Sunday, July 22, 2012

Children of gay parents: Out of God's will?

 A very good question came in my e-mail box the other day, and it was regarding the worries of one of the children born to a gay-straight mixed orientation marriage.  Because I had never addressed this, I decided to do a post about it.

For background, let me say that Ray and I had four kids in ten years, and they are all loved and wanted.  When Ray came out to us, our oldest was 29 and married, and our youngest was 19 and a freshman in college.  They all graduated from a conservative Christian university, and were very involved in ministry/missions. It was a terrific shock to all of us that Ray was gay, and we all had a lot to learn about what this meant.  We all ended up changing our views as we understood that you don't choose your sexual orientation, and that you do choose what you believe.

Our family is pretty tight, and we really like being with each other.  My counselor once said that we probably insulated ourselves with each other, partly because of Ray's career.  I don't know if that is true, but I do know that we have stuck with each other, even when it was tough to hold up our heads and face the world who knew Ray, versus who we knew Ray to be.

So, although I haven't asked each one of the kids what they think, I did ask our youngest, Sara, since she was a teenager when this big event changed our lives forever:  "Did you ever wonder if you were meant to be, since your dad is gay?"  I don't know how I put it, but it was something like that. 

Sara replied that just this week the subject had come up with a co-worker.  She told her friend that the whole thing doesn't, or hasn't ended, that there is always more to deal with.  Even though she is fully accepting of her dad (and glbt people), there is always someone who hasn't heard, doesn't know, or will react with uncertainty regarding her dad.  But she also told her friend, "My parents probably have a better working relationship that some parents who stay together."  And to my question, she looked at me and said, "No, never, not at all."

So, below I have copied most of what my e-mailer wrote, and I have also included my reply.  I hope this is helpful. 

the question:
Carol,  I am a big fan of your ex-husband's music and I enjoy your blog.  I have a question.  How do you address self-esteem issues related to the children of mixed-orientation marriages?  ...  I am haunted by a conversation with a Christian teenager who was the product of such a marriage.  His anguish, basically, was that if it was never really God's will that Mom and Dad be married to one another, then it was never God's will that he be born.  I basically answered him that God can bring good, even marvelous, results out of bad situations, and that God can "hit straight with a crooked stick," to use an old saying. 
I don't know if I handled that conversation well or not.  What would you say to a young person who is struggling with whether or not he or she was meant to be born due to the fact that they are the product of a mixed orientation marriage? 

my reply:

Thanks, *********** !  And that's a good question, one I've never addressed on the blog.  I went to one of my kids for help in answering, to see if it has ever occurred to her that she was never in God's will to come into existence/been born.  Fortunately, she didn't look at it that way.  She knows how her dad believed the fundamentalist doctrine, how well he did in following what we were taught, and how much he tried.  (It might also help that I've helped her understand through my own understanding.) 

I think you answered the questioning teenager as well as you could.  Since his/her parents had put it like that (that they never were in God's will to be married) that would be how the teen would look at it as well.  What an awful thought, trying to figure out if your birth was never meant to be.  But I would also think that any child who was caught in her parents' divorce, to whom it was explained "we never were in God's will" - whether it was an unplanned pregnancy, a mismatched couple in whatever situation, that that child might assume that he/she TOO were never "supposed to be." 

Rather, in many cases, two people DO love one another, and hard as they try, one is gay.  No, they probably shouldn't marry (I firmly think this way), but in many, many cases, church dictates 1) marriage is supreme, 2) family is the ultimate goal for all (no matter the innate sexual orientation, 3) and that gay can change if you love each other/pray/want to.  Church leaders (fundamentalist ones) teach these things, and gay people who are trying to do the right thing, follow the instructions, despite what their gut tells them.

So, from my point of view, I would never tell my kids that God didn't mean for us to be together.  I believe, in my case, that God did bring us together, for some reason I don't always understand. Some purpose  that is very real...(because there is more to my story that I don't fully try to explain on the blog).  I know, 100%, that God knew and understood Ray's orientation, and God also knows how much we put into our marriage.  (I also probably question God's wisdom in doing this, probably at least every other day.)  And even though I don't understand, I believe that the love I felt for Ray (and his feelings for me) are real, and that our kids are fully intended in the great scheme of things.  

Probably, if I were honest, I'd tell those parents to be careful how they explain their own actions to the vulnerable kids.  I'd want them (the parents) to understand and explain how they got together, why they married, and reiterate their love for their kids.  

I would also add this:  Just like God didn't make a mistake when he created gay folks, he didn't make a mistake in who this kid's parents are. 

Thanks again, for writing.  :)

Saturday, July 7, 2012

"Cool" is relative.

I ventured outside today, and since it is only 97* right now, it feels cool.  Yesterday it was 104* on my car thermometer.  Those can be inaccurate of course, but it felt hotter yesterday.  Today could hardly be considered normal weather for June in Indiana.  It's dad-blame HOT.

Someone commented today, as is often the case, with instructions about how "wrong" I am to be gay-supportive.  I was glad to publish the comment as well as write a short reply, since today I have the time to do so. - look for today's date.  While I have no wish that families break up, I repeat and say again:  Being gay is not sinful. 

There is real tragedy when mixed-orientation marriages happen.  Especially when the people getting married are not fully honest when they enter into marriage.  It's usually the false hope by the gay person that with love and enough commitment, the same-sex attractions will be suppressed.  Sometimes they have been counseled by well-meaning Christians that if they pray, dedicate "the problem" to the Lord, and never act on their desires, that the desires will go away/dissipate.  Sometimes the gay person is asked to be accountable to someone "overseeing" them.  They are asked to give up computer passwords, facebook pages, and account for spare time - all with the expectation that they won't be GAY any more.  It doesn't work.  Eventually, whether or not they "act" on their desires, there are consequences.  Either there is an affair, or psychological breakdown, or simply a loss of emotion - and it's not how anyone should live. 

While I know that some may not agree, many don't have my perspective.  I know the feelings I've lived through, and I know what my life has been.  I know how hot it is outside, and I know how it felt yesterday.  I know.

If you want me to read what Leviticus says, well, that's an old book, written when times and the culture was vastly different than today.  And there are LOTS of things we disregard in Leviticus and the rest of the Bible.  We eat shrimp and pork, and we work (drive cars, play games, and throw footballs - i.e. pig skins) on Sunday.  There was a time when tomatoes were "forbidden fruit."  No more.  Divorce is legal.  I don't wear dresses all the time.  I cut my hair.  When I let it grow long, I've been known to plait it.  I wear rings - GOLD rings that don't signify marriage!   I am female, I'm not married, I live on my own, and I handle my own affairs - new ideas to the 20th Century.

It may appear to you as scandalous, but when it comes to likening being gay with what people point out in the Bible, I disregard those arguments. While you may disregard me, I have this to say:  
"Oh, well."

Here are some simple reasons that justify my position, and I don't care to write a long defense on these statements. 

1 - In Genesis, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is probably the story of same-sex rape.
2 - Don't point to Leviticus to prove your point, unless you adhere to ALL the rest of the rules/law in the entire Old Testament.  Even if you do, those who are glbt are just who they are.  Leave them alone.
3 - Jesus never talked about homosexuality.  Period.
4 - I accept life, and things happen.  It's rough and I don't like all of it.  I just have to go forward and stand up for gay people.  A lot of them are Christian, some are not. 
5 - I choose to be Christian.  I didn't choose my sexual orientation, nor do others choose theirs.