tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.comments2024-02-01T17:19:36.475-05:00My heart goes out...Carolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14545146592743875490noreply@blogger.comBlogger1012125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-2080375123291744132018-04-04T18:32:40.026-04:002018-04-04T18:32:40.026-04:00It’s good to not be mad at your husband Ray, and t...It’s good to not be mad at your husband Ray, and that you’ve forgiven him and moved on...<br /><br />But to be mad at God isn’t right either. Why would you think God would cause that? Regardless what “we think” we are or not, we all have a CHOICE to be faithful to our spouses, to love them, to be loyal. I won’t debate if being gay is a genetic thing, but honoring God’s word should always be something we do! Divorce isn’t a result if God’s choice - it’s a result of our choice. I wouldn’t blame God for that. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03657663463710714662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-88761066045786386922017-04-14T17:27:59.729-04:002017-04-14T17:27:59.729-04:00To Anonymous of April 14: I am so, so sorry that ...To Anonymous of April 14: I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you. I don't write much, but I still feel the pain and the pains of so many others. Carrie Fisher was right, it isn't us. I just wish that no one felt the pain we go through. Find someone close or a good counselor to talk to. I'm several years out from the original "outing," and it's better now. I remember wondering how long it took to feel better. Two years? Four years? For me, I have several anniversaries: when I first found out. When Ray left home, to move away (several states away) and I was so alone. There's the anniversary of our divorce (2008) but I honestly can't tell you a date. It's just a shitload of stuff to endure. You can do it. (heart)Carolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14545146592743875490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-87808510692937898962017-04-14T16:07:40.873-04:002017-04-14T16:07:40.873-04:00I just recently found out that my cruel, pathologi...I just recently found out that my cruel, pathological lying, narcissistic serial cheating husband of 30 years, has been in a 10 year gay affair. He recently also indirectly admitted to having cheated on me, with a married closeted coworker for several years as well, from 25 years ago. He may now have hiv, so glad I quit having anything to do with sexually. What goes around, comes around, the old saying holds true! I also refuse to be bitter because I won't let him steal my joy! Carrie Fisher stated in a 2011 when her husband let her for a gay man that she worked to get over the anger & that she didn't feel rejected, because he rejected her gender, not her.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-79595484342754128662017-02-01T02:28:40.405-05:002017-02-01T02:28:40.405-05:00Anonymous said... To all of you dear people,I feel...Anonymous said... To all of you dear people,I feel your pain. I also was blindsided for 27 years and 5 years prior to getting married, to eventually find out my husband was gay. Then to top the cake, his partner was my sister's husband. My sister's husband died 13 years ago , just two weeks after I left my husband and my home. I decided to go to counseling and through the therapist found out about Straight Spouse ,off of Central Park in Manhattan,N.Y. Joining that group softened the hurt a little because there are so many of us going through this awful pain. I'm still not over it but I try every day to surround myself with interesting people, friends that I've had for 30 some odd years,whom I love,and who love me. My husband and my brother in-law,(his ex) started their love affair when my sister was only 3 years married. I met my husband at their house.Took a liking to him,and invited him to dinner, and so it began. When I started to put all the pieces together I realized how easy I made it for the both of them. My sister had 3 daughters. We had 4 children( my first daughter, from a man who left me as soon as I told him I was pregnant). First man I was ever with,first encounter. Can't make this s#%& up. So this man I married 5 years later,pulled and even bigger whammy on me. Our two families did everything together .I had two sons and two daughters,my sister had three daughters. One big happy family. In retrospect, I can't believe I didn't catch on sooner,but when I joined Straight Spouse,I realized that so many of us hadn't seen it either. Unfortunately, this just follows you, and is very hard to shake. So I keep on looking forward. The therapist said to me,"You have to accept the things you cannot change" That was the last day of therapy for me. Getting late now. I'll write again soon. Good Luck to everyone. May God bless us all. Better days ahead. Grayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11877751995844904024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-26719399831105154312016-12-21T17:55:21.597-05:002016-12-21T17:55:21.597-05:00Bisexuals in mixed orientation marriages are a com...Bisexuals in mixed orientation marriages are a completely different situation. They're attracted to their spouse. Essentially bisexuals shouldn't have any worse struggles in a relationship with a straight person than another straight person would, as long as they aren't involved with someone who holds homophobic or biphobic views.<br /><br />I wish we had different terms for it. Couples where one partner isn't attracted to their partner's gender are a very different situation from couples with compatible but different orientations.<br /><br />Also, it's important to remember that not everyone who calls themselves bisexual really is. Many gay people, especially in mixed orientation marriages, call themselves bisexuals because they haven't given up on having an opposite sex relationship work, not because they actually feel any attraction to the opposite sex. Ettinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08230821659466586897noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-42669445961967761472016-12-06T20:59:24.840-05:002016-12-06T20:59:24.840-05:00I'm so sorry for your pain Stacy. I can relate...I'm so sorry for your pain Stacy. I can relate to much you said. I would welcome death at this point. It is beyond disappointment. I want to crawl into a hole and fade away. Thanks for expressing how you felt. I needed that because I felt so alone in this pain. Marbethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17693812763251499050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-82417773823821147972016-08-22T23:41:02.653-04:002016-08-22T23:41:02.653-04:00Gross. My boyfriend too. The way he acts like noth...Gross. My boyfriend too. The way he acts like nothing's going on and nobody out of his friends or family know about his double life. And I'm respectful enough to not tell them but it's annoying to see him get away with it. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-47342698281297305462016-08-22T23:36:47.702-04:002016-08-22T23:36:47.702-04:00Thank you for hosting this site. My boyfriend was ...Thank you for hosting this site. My boyfriend was my best friend and I thought would be my life partner until I saw on his phone he set up a meeting for sex with a transgender man a year ago It's been a slow road to understanding he's truly gay.. or honestly I don't know what since he won't talk to me about it. I let it go the first time because I thought it was like an experiment for him and he lied about whether it even happened or not. I tried to forget about it but I just saw a gay hookup app on his phone today. It's so weird. I know he loves me but I guess he's also gay? He acts like I'm doing something wrong and gets mad when I confront him and then threatens to walk out on me. I just wanted him to admit it and just talk to me about it but he WON'T. And of all of this, the thing that hurts me the most is that he continues to lie to me about it. We can never be friends or have anything if he just denies everything. I don't see why it's more important to him to lie then even keep me in his life. I can't even try to work things out if I don't know what the situation is. Is he bi? I don't know. So it's useless. I don't understand why someone would live this way, why not just be honest? It's very sad. I will move on, and I hope I won't have trust issues forever, I honestly just love him and I want to support him, if he's gay, ok, I won't judge him and I told him but I can't work with lack of information. He can't face the reality of who he is and what he's doing. I feel sad for him and I want him to be ok. I worry about him and I hope he doesn't get AIDS because he already tested positive for clymidia and he didn't get it from me (thank god I didn't get it from him either but we both had to take antibiotics anyway). Well thanks again for hosting this site. It's a crazy thing to find out your love is into the other sex after so many years. I threw him out of my place tonight and all of that could have been avoided if he just came clean. It's just making me sick already. Also I know how "embarrassing" it is when you first find something like this out, but what I found was 100% support from everyone I told, even to my surprise. Everyone was understanding and sympathetic to me and wanted to make sure I didn't blame myself in any way. So I understand that "embarrassment" thing, but don't let it stop you from seeking comfort and support from others.. My two cents to some of the other women writing in about their experiences. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-78734976407080458752016-05-31T03:55:20.177-04:002016-05-31T03:55:20.177-04:00Your gracious act of sharing your thoughts is appr...Your gracious act of sharing your thoughts is appreciated and offers reassurance to those in need. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12858751983051229886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-38723828183910178942016-04-18T07:08:19.255-04:002016-04-18T07:08:19.255-04:00You have experienced what no one should have to go...You have experienced what no one should have to go through: deception in a marriage. Thank you for sharing it here with us who've experienced it, the straight spouses. I'm glad you've come through it and are stronger, at least it appears that way. The time can't be returned to you, but your self-worth can. I hope you are healing from such painful years. Thanks for commenting. Carolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14545146592743875490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-15925344550820296412016-04-18T01:41:20.885-04:002016-04-18T01:41:20.885-04:00My biggest challenge was finding out what I often ...My biggest challenge was finding out what I often suspected was true, not just because it hurt so much but because the lies and the deception and the manipulation were so very wrong. There is right and there is wrong and theft is theft. Stealing my time is wrong, breaking my heart is wrong, telling me I just didn't understand so much.....and telling my loved ones that I was losing my mind, and that I had all these other issues was so damaging and hurtful. It was emotionally a criminal act from a narcissistic person, not just a confused man worried about his relationship with his children. It was about power and control and not about love at all. Just because someone is gay and cannot own their sexuality for any number of reasons....that person has no right to inflict emotional pain and emotional trauma on another human being. NO EXCUSE!! My marriage lasted for over 20 years but it was over after four. Being involved with a gay spouse can be very cruel and emotionally traumatic. I have spent the past 5 years learning how to recover. Understand? NO EXCUSE!! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-70952755478258014462016-03-21T03:51:06.464-04:002016-03-21T03:51:06.464-04:00I feel your pain. I feel your pain. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-81218161486694278812016-02-06T01:09:39.431-05:002016-02-06T01:09:39.431-05:00My husband of 10 years told me he has known for a ...My husband of 10 years told me he has known for a while. I could have accepted it. Now i know and cannot trust him, nor can i leave him. You are only hurting her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-11582463205875961322016-02-06T01:04:38.217-05:002016-02-06T01:04:38.217-05:00Same here. No words.Same here. No words.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-26596445930359554002016-02-06T01:01:20.138-05:002016-02-06T01:01:20.138-05:00I would like to say it helps to hear this. But rea...I would like to say it helps to hear this. But really it doesnt. I am in the exact same situation, but married 10 years with 4 small children. There is no question about it, we will stay married. He assures me he is talking to the priest trying to help himself. But i just feel crushed and alone. I cant talk about it to anyone. I can barely breathe. I just want to wake up.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-42028977007737006702016-01-14T20:25:03.436-05:002016-01-14T20:25:03.436-05:00That should say, "a counselor say,". Au...That should say, "a counselor say,". Auto correct messed up. Carolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14545146592743875490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-42098617950736611302016-01-14T20:23:10.043-05:002016-01-14T20:23:10.043-05:00Hi. You ask how to get your husband to admit he...Hi. You ask how to get your husband to admit he's actually gay. I do not know. I once had scouts elope say that she asks this question: "when you fantasize sexually, what is the gender of the person you imagine?" You might ask him that, but unless he's honest, even that won't bring the truth unless he IS honest. <br /><br />I feel for you. And I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's not fair. You're doing the right thing to see a counselor. I know things will improve for you. Hang in there. Carolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14545146592743875490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-69272730591848499652016-01-14T18:04:43.545-05:002016-01-14T18:04:43.545-05:00Married for 8 years. Two small children. Husband h...Married for 8 years. Two small children. Husband has been having sexual encounters with men since before he met me. He always claimed I was the one. We have since separated but he refuses that he is Gay.. I know he's gay. I told his parents he's gay. I don't want him back. I just wish he'd just accept who he is. Both of us are in individual therapy but he can't be honest with the therapist if he can't bebhonest with himself. I told him I accept that he is gay and he'll always see his kids. He just wants to stay married and he claims he "beat this". I didn't realize that being Gay was something to beat but a part of you. How can I get him to be honest with himself? He insists it will never happen again but we all know better than that!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-41885404007039726192015-09-03T00:45:04.423-04:002015-09-03T00:45:04.423-04:00Stacy I agree with you 100% my ex husband IS a con...Stacy I agree with you 100% my ex husband IS a con man, and deceiving someone like this and robbing them of their lifetime SHOULD be punishable by law. I will come back to this blog to write more about all the hell I'm living through and the complete destruction this selfish, arrogant asshole has caused to my family.<br />And NO I don't agree that your husband being gay is not different from a straight husband having an affair, like somebody else mentioned. Give me a break! my marriage was doomed from the beginning. If I had married a straight man I would have had at least a fair shot at a lasting marriage, but since this selfish sorry excuse of a man decided I would be the perfect cover, my chances at a lasting marriage were ZERO% from the beginning.<br />You bet I'm bitter, I have never hated anyone so much in my life. He had more than 10 years to confide in me and tell me he wasn't interested in women, which he hid extremely well since he was always looking at women and trying to look straight. But NO, he decided to keep that little pearl to himself and after 14 years of marriage and 3 children I noticed he was staying too late at the office and hired a PI to follow him.<br />well guess what he was having gay orgies with gay men he found on craigslist, I kid you not, craigslist! He had sex with 3 men at the same time. Even the PI was horrified and told if I was sure he wasn't on drugs. So yes, I will never, ever trust another man or human being for that matter. I'm going to a psychiatrist every week since I'm suffering from PTSD since finding out and I had the good sense to kick his cheating ass out of the house in May.<br />anyway I'm sorry I didn't mean to write a novel but to say that we don't have the right to feel angry or bitter offends me to no end. He STOLE my life, he destroyed my family since the minute he decided to ask for my hand in marriage. I should have known his insistence was suspicious.<br />The worst part is remembering all the lies, the way he rewinded the Victoria secret commercials to supposedly see the girls and make me jealous, what a sociopath. The way he reassured me that I shouldn't worry because there would be no women at the business convention or whatever, OMG I hate him so much I have to stop writing...<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-2523699604710342012015-01-31T09:35:07.330-05:002015-01-31T09:35:07.330-05:00Hi Carol, I was with my 'in denial gay' pa...Hi Carol, I was with my 'in denial gay' partner for 8 years. Like everyone else, I had suspicions and then eventually found proof. I walked away one month ago because I couldn't put up with the broken promises, lies and double life my ex was leading. He later admitted in having encounters with men before he met me. This guy had no right in pursuing me and dragging me through years of lying and being decietful. He would always say he does not do (have sex with men) it anymore and that he loves me and I use to be naive and give him another chance. He never ever apologised for what he put me through and just carries on like he's straight in front of his family and friend. The sites I caught my partner on where guys were just out for sex was very explicit and disgusting. How can these guys that hide their sexuality hide behind fake profiles, have sex with men and then come back to their relationships and not even blink an eyelid! That's just callous and malicious. <br />Thank for everyone's comments and experiences. Its helping me a lot.<br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-77086192370179340192014-12-28T08:05:54.286-05:002014-12-28T08:05:54.286-05:00Wow. I just read this and am completely shocked. ...Wow. I just read this and am completely shocked. My husband went to Guatemala in 1989 and I went to Venezuela in 1990. We both had amazing, life-changing experiences with Teen Mania and had looked forward to one day sending our kids on a mission trip with them. Now, I'm left confused an wondering how things have changed so much. :(Debihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05172901692538716247noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-60416894445584482482014-09-15T18:27:28.722-04:002014-09-15T18:27:28.722-04:00It is well with you carol. Not long that I got to ...It is well with you carol. Not long that I got to know Ray..... Only love the song 'allegiance' and would not easily believe the writer later disclose the fact he's a gay. Since then God has been helping me to intercede for him. Carol I would love that you don't waver and I surely believe your four kids will raze hell.love youAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-69683537861504092952014-09-13T10:46:53.767-04:002014-09-13T10:46:53.767-04:00Anonymous, 8/21/14, 1:28
You asked: "aren&#...Anonymous, 8/21/14, 1:28<br /><br />You asked: "aren't you tired of defending a man who lied to you and your children and hurt you?"<br /><br />1) You have not read our story, nor do you know our lives. If you did, you would know that Ray fully believed he would be changed by his faith. He was a good husband and father.<br /><br />2) God, in whom we believed, knew Ray's heart. God knew mine. Still, in God's hard-to-understand knowledge and plan-I-don't-undertand, put us together. If I'm angry, I hold that toward God, not Ray, because Ray did his best to change. Since sexual orientation does NOT change through prayer or behavior therapy, I am not angry with Ray. I know God can handle that I'm still angry about this. <br /><br />3) Ray remains my best friend, and I wouldn't throw him under the bus, ever. <br /><br />4) You have a lot of nerve to assume you know more about my life than me. Carolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14545146592743875490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-52715331908788953692014-09-12T19:41:18.437-04:002014-09-12T19:41:18.437-04:00It breaks my heart to read all of these posts........It breaks my heart to read all of these posts......It also breaks my heart and makes me feel horrible that I am happy to know that I am not alone in my despair. <br /><br />I just found out my husband has had sexual relations with other men, and has probably been doing that for the past 6mo's to a year. In addition to that, I believe he has had affairs with other women prior to his engaging in sex with men. <br /><br />I unfortunately came across the website CL on his computer, which showed he had visited the MSM website, along with the MSW and Casual Affairs. I decided to delete it and see if he went to that section again. Knowing that if I did, it would be evident that he was clearly seeking a sexual encounter with a man. Sure enough, the following month it was again highlighted and showed he had viewed numerous photos of men....NO WOMEN this time! My husband leaves town monthly for 2-3 nights and always makes sure we are aware to not contact him as it is his time to not be bothered and its his time to have some fresh air. However, over the past year, I have seen my husband come home with a rash in his groin area that has persisted for almost two years...He comes home extremely tired the past 3 months claiming the hotel had booked bus loads of kids or tourists.....However, I found that he had immediately went onto CL after checking into the hotel, and again at midnight that evening. As well as each time he came back from running his errands for the day....To top it off....HE CAME HOME WITH HIS PRIVATE AREAS FULLY SHAVED and didn't even comment as to why he did it. When I had the nerve to ask him, he told me he didn't shave, he just trimmed it because he doesn't like the gray hair....(he's 54). Now I know the difference between a trim and a babies butt smooth shave job....WHY DID HE LIE IF THERE WASN'T A REASON FOR IT!! I am so disgusted knowing he has been lying to me and sneaking around to have sex with multiple people of multiple sexes. At this point, I think it is just men. I believe he is looking for a relationship that makes him feel there is no woman questioning him on ANYTHING! I am very subservient to my husband and I have always allowed him to be the man of the house. However, he is now (past 2 years) being an absolute jerk and doesn't care if he hurts my feelings or whether or not my needs are taken care of.<br /><br />He has changed many things about himself over the past few years, and during our 34 year marriage, he goes thru periods of being a super jerk and wanting a divorce about every 4-6 years.....Is this common for someone that is gay and trying to live a straight life? <br /><br />I really need some good advice.....I learned of this about 6 weeks ago, but am so afraid to bring it up because I know he will just lie about it and try to make me sound like I'm crazy. He has already tried to do damage control by bringing my kids into it by telling them he knew I had been snooping on his computer so he gave me something to look at....I did not snoop and I came by it honestly during some computer issues. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6023809369245556096.post-71668701154751889062014-08-21T13:28:19.381-04:002014-08-21T13:28:19.381-04:00aren't you tired of defending a man who lied t...aren't you tired of defending a man who lied to you and your children and hurt you? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com