My heart goes out...

Standing on the right side of history - Hillary Clinton

2012-01-13T09:19:00.001-05:00

Today I'm sharing a 30 minute speech by Sec. of State, Hillary Clinton. She makes the case for human rights for LGBT people in a most genuine way, and she calls on us to "be on the right side of history." Her statements cover so much that should be said, and need to be heard by all Americans, as well as citizens of the world. Although I'm a latecomer to defending these rights, I learned and changed through personal pain. I want it known that I stand beside Hillary in this effort.

Even when you have to defy friends you have known all you life, it's worth it to make a stand for LGBT people. If you have to adjust what you believe about church teachings, make those changes. What you choose to believe is a choice, but it is NOT a choice on whether to be gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender.

Don't you want to be on the right side of history? I do.

Dad's big move - for the winter? for a while? for the best.

2011-11-20T08:54:00.001-05:00

My dad just moved to an assisted living apartment. I feel all alone, again, with Dad not being at his house right next door. He's lived there since 1996, when Ray bought the house for Mom and Dad to live in. Mom had Parkinson's and her home was getting to be too much for her. When it came up for sale, Ray was the first, and without any hesitation, to say, "Would your folks like to live in that house?" and then, "We could buy it for them." I remember that both Mom and Dad cried when we talked to them about it, and within about a month they had moved in.

After that time, Mom was only around for 5 short years, and I miss her. Dad and I got more acquainted than we'd ever been. He has helped me in so many ways - whether it was mowing grass, building a giant leaf-collector, or helping bury my pets. We've talked about politics (even when we disagree), finances (all about municipal bonds), and after I finally told him why Ray left, he drew the conclusion that "gay people must be born that way." His understanding, although it went against all he'd known previously, was HUGE. It has helped me to know he was trying to understand both me and Ray. The talks we've had have made it possible that I'm closer to Dad than I ever was as a kid.

While Dad used to fix almost anything in his garage, he now has an electric scooter to get around, and walking over to my house for dinner is out of the question. At age 90, Dad is basically healthy, and he used to stand nearly six feet tall - even was imposing to some - he's now at least six inches shorter. Macular degeneration has claimed one eye, and damaged the other. He can no longer get around his home without a walker or cane, and preventing falls is continually a concern. He has fallen, and twice he's been alone for hours before he could call someone for help.

My house is pretty big just for one person. Maybe not laid out too well, because there is no bedroom on the main floor, and I have two steps up to the kitchen, down to the living room, and a whole, long flight of stairs up to other bedrooms or to the basement. It was never a serious solution to have him live in my house, but it did cross my mind. Altogether, and for many reasons, my dad gave up his driving last summer, reluctantly abandoned plans to winter in Texas, and investigated "a respite" (for 3 months) in the assisted living apartment complex. Whether it will be permanent depends on how Dad gets along, and I hope he's happy at the new place.

Yesterday was the big move, and my brother, Lee, had orchestrated most of the move. He did such a good job of getting Dad's paperwork done, getting the required tests accomplished, arranging to have a truck, and organizing what Dad needed to take.

My other brother, Kenny, sister, Nancy, and I were all around to pitch in, plus we hired young people to haul the furniture to a truck. At one point I heard Dad say, "There were enough people helping me that they could have just carried everything here." By evening - with a few more trips back and forth from house to apartment - Dad was set up. His bedroom looks amazingly like his bedroom from home, the cable TV is working, and neighbors have stopped to make friends. I hope he likes it, I hope he makes friends, and he mentioned, "I might find a girlfriend."

All this goes on, and I woke up today with a big ache, and all the while I was ignoring the fact that I can go and come as I please - ignoring the fact that I can see Dad whenever I stop by his place - ignoring the reality that my kids are all nearby - ignoring the fact that I've got health and strength on my side - and really, ignoring the fact that this is a good move for Dad.

I just missed having Dad right next door. I felt so alone, and I miss him. The emptiness of not having my dad for my neighbor just makes me hurt and cry like a wound has been scraped open. I sure hope Dad isn't feeling alone, dumped or abandoned. I know it is a safe place for him, but I'm aching the loss. I don't want him to fail. I don't want Dad to be old.

Winter 2011 - some of the family joined Dad for a visit on So. Padre Island.

Teen Mania revisited - a mom's account.

2011-11-16T12:42:00.000-05:00

Last week MSNBC ran a piece on Teen Mania, and it showed a part that isn't too pretty. They highlighted an event that goes on at Teen Mania, called ESOAL, and MSNBC edited vivid images together for sensationalism. To get over the harm caused by Teen Mania, a blog was started by "Recovering Alumni.", and the girl who started the blog was featured on the MSNBC program, as she and others spent a weekend "deprogramming" with cult experts. It really isn't necessary to sensationalize any part of Teen Mania, because there's been enough planting of harmful seeds into lots of kids, that finally they are getting a decent harvest - except that it's rotten fruit. As much as Teen Mania's leaders (Dave Hasz and Ron Luce, et. al.) don't want to admit it, their program needs a big makeover.

Because I'm a parent of an Honor Academy (Teen Mania Internship) graduate, and because my four kids went on about 12 summer trips, and because I volunteered with Teen Mania in Miami and Garden Valley, and because I sponsored ministry teams who put on Acquire the Fire events, I feel I have the experience necessary to comment. Because I've raised money for Teen Mania, in the past I've encouraged and supported the Teen Mania "machine," as well as having been part of many "behind the scenes" venues and I've had Ron Luce in my home, I am familiar with the organization and have credibility for what I've witnessed. I feel I can surely speak out.

Granted my kids loved their exciting trips, loved the friends they made, loved being part of what they considered God's work. However, they were exposed to legalistic thought, elitist attitudes in regards to other Christian groups (much less non-Christians), and they experienced judgmental attitudes toward anyone who didn't agree with all they thought should be adhered to in order to be Christian.

In addition, dangerous things happened while on the trips or when my son attended the Honor Academy, some of which I will list here:

In the summer of 1997, my son had appendicitis in India and had surgery there. He contracted MRSA, and nearly died. He was 17. While he was recovering from the surgery, still in India, I was told he was "fine," by his team leaders. I was told by leaders in Garden Valley that all was well - not to worry. This was not true, and when my son arrived back to Dallas, he was still so sick that he was in the hospital there for another two weeks.

When at the Honor Academy ('98-'99), he got sick with asthma, bronchitis, and ear infections - all at the same time. His fever was over 102*, but he had no medical care available on site, nor was there provision for him to get to a doctor. He was still expected to be at work for his entire shift, as being sick was being weak.

On overseas trips, my kids were not fed adequately, and my daughter's hair fell out because of protein deficiency. It has never come back. (I have talked personally with the local contact who was to set up the food for the group. TM canceled plans for good food to be provided. This not only hurt the kids on the team, but the locals that had planned to have work through this, were left high and dry. They said they never wanted to work with Teen Mania again.)

My daughter was left alone on the way to her team's "home" on the first hike there. Details are too long to list, but it was definitely the opposite of the "we never leave your child on their own" claim of Teen Mania.

While interning for Teen Mania, my son worked in the call center by day, and as summer trips approached and housing was needed for the "missionaries," he was required to pour cement until after dark. The work went on 7 days a week to get it completed.

There are numerous details concerning how he went to his supervisors to appeal decisions that affected him. It cannot be shown that going to his supervisors was ever a help, and it was very much a discouragement to him. He tells his story here, here, and here.

My daughter, Liz, wrote an entire Masters thesis on how her Teen Mania experience has affected her faith. She blogs about it from time to time, and here is an entry on her changes.

The accounts I'm hearing nowadays are not surprising. Those who once were kids are coming forward to reflect on experiences that are being discounted by both Dave and Ron. These stories are NOT disregardable, which is how they (Ron/Dave) and the Board of Directors have responded.

No, Teen Mania isn't all bad. But it is not a place I recommend for impressionable youth. It's not a place I recommend for any youth or adult. My opinion: Don't send your kids, and don't pay to fund this organization.

a pretty good thing has happened...

2011-08-31T13:35:00.000-04:00

I'm amazed at how some changes have come about, and I like these things: Both my son, Phil, and my daughter, Liz, have accepted positions to teach college courses. And get this: BOTH of my kids are moving locally! BOTH of my kids are bringing grandchildren to live NEARBY! wow.

When my son, Phil, was pretty young, he couldn't wait to leave home to be a teen missionary. We made him wait until he was 14 - and he got to travel every summer away from home. For college he moved, and even though I saw him often, he never lived "at home," after high school. When he finished college, he went to a city about 2 1/2 hours away to work, be near friends, and where he eventually found a wonderful wife. Who would have guessed he would take a position at my own alma mater, BSU? That's pretty amazing!

In Phil's pursuit of a job for his wife, he came across a teaching job in the smaller, next-door-neighbor city of Anderson. My daughter, Liz, just completed her MFA in Creative Writing at the University of New Hampshire. She had a baby, "Chuck," while she and husband, Ben, lived out there, and they told me that "someday, before Chuck goes to school," they wanted to move back to the midwest. Because of the opening that Phil discovered, Liz applied, interviewed, and got THAT job.

That move bumped Phil up a notch on the mythical "favorite child list," and he's now riding his normal wave of familial popularity (because we all love Phil!). Within three weeks, Liz heard of the position, procured it, has moved back to Indiana, and although her husband has to stay back in NH for a while, she is living in my basement with toddler "Chuck." She has again become a Hoosier and is writing (like she always does) about all the adventures of her life "back home."

I recognize that these big changes are HUGE in the lives of my kids. Neither family is able to make the move all together yet, with selling of houses, jobs, and insurance demands on the "take care of this first" list. Being temporarily separated, leaving friends, churches, and replacing homes are things to tackle as they can, but I'm one happy mama! Having ALL five grandkids growing up in the same county - that's so cool! I've even brought up the fact that with all of my grown children gainfully employed, I have less of a chance to be put out on the street (any time soon). I just think it's great. Very, very great.

Welcome home, Boltzes.

Phillip Hinkle, Wayne Co., IN representative

2011-08-12T11:21:00.001-04:00

Representative Phillip Hinkle from Wayne County, Indiana, has just been "outed" in the Indianapolis Star, when he contacted a young man for sex.

The article carries communication reports that involve Hinkle's wife, and I'm so sad for her. If she is finding this information for the first time, it will be devastating to her life, her family, and her emotions. I'm so sorry for her.

When will people live truthfully? Why do gay men continue to hurt their wives in this way? And for Hinkle to contact and pay for sex?...Well, there is no excuse for a married man to behave like this. And to make it all worse, this state representative has voted to deny rights of marriage for gay people, while he secretly took advantage of HIS needs.

I don't want to hear that this guy is straight and has "strayed." No, he's gay, he's married to a woman, he's voted against glbt people's rights, and he's hurt everyone involved.

Dad

2011-07-30T09:40:00.002-04:00

All my life, my dad has been a strong man. His career as a city fireman took him away from home for 24-hour shifts, and he worked long hours with his business as a heavy equipment operator. Our home required the normal upkeep, plus we had a barn with horses, some beef cows (sometimes), and a big yard and a summer garden. Granted, Dad always made sure that my brothers and I helped (mostly the brothers) outside, and Mom and my sister and I helped with "inside work" and summer canning. (More stories later on how much we hated it then but wish we could do it all again with Mom.) Always on his mind was that he had all of us, plus my two half-sisters, who depended on him.

Now Dad, who ran a strict household (understatement), is 90 years old. He's a good dad, like always. His time and his life was for work, but that work meant that we were cared for. Mom was always the affectionate one, the sympathetic ear when we needed it. But Dad made sure we all knew how to work, support ourselves, and live right in the real world. His caring was shown in ways that meant discipline, rules, and responsibility.

In 1996, my parents were getting ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. I was planning a celebration that spring at their church, and the house next door came up for sale. Mom, who had been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, was lonely and the 5-bedroom house was becoming more and more difficult for her to maintain. When Ray came home from a weekend of concerts, heard from me that the house next door was for sale, he immediately said, "Would your parents consider living there?"

We didn't even stop on the way from the airport, but went to Mom and Dad's big brick house to ask them! Mom immediately said an enthusiastic "YES!", and Dad's eyes teared up with relief. Within two months, we had purchased the house, Dad orchestrated the move, and Mom and Dad moved in next door.

Over the years I've been privileged to have my parents close to me. Mom passed away almost 10 years ago today. Dad and I have sat together so many times since then, and I've gotten to know my dad better than I ever would have in any other setting. The things Dad has helped me with is HUGE, and too numerous to list. We've discussed finances, religion, politics, and family, and many times we don't share the same views. But sitting with my dad is a gift.

In January of this year, Dad turned 90 years old. He's spent the winters since the '80s in Texas, and I'm still having a hard time convincing him that he has to change that tradition. You see, Dad has to use a walker now, and he's been approved for a scooter by the Veterans, to replace the one that my brother, Lee, bought him a few years back. Dad has a beautiful, shiny GMC truck, as well as a 1992 Lincoln, but he's decided to put up his keys and use the Lifestream bus to get himself to and from the senior citizen lunches each day. He still cooks for himself, most of the time, but I share when I cook something. Dad looks forward to the neighbor who brings in his newspaper and mail, and he's disappointed if the neighbor goes away for a trip and the paper has to wait until I come home from work. It's all different than when I was a kid...and now I look out for Dad.

Today Dad has a list of errands, and I'm heading to do them with him. WalMart, Lowe's, the Post Office, and a few more. I'm going to be tied up for a few hours with some Dad-time.

Bring on the Light

2011-04-21T11:51:00.000-04:00

Yes, Easter is this coming Sunday. The celebration to commemorate the death and resurrection of Jesus, the Christ. The day when Roman Catholic and Protestant churches celebrate with other believers the most significant day of the church calendar. "Christ is risen!" and "Christ is risen, indeed."

I celebrate that day. As a believer, still, I am glad for a time to include the symbols of new life and sing Alleluia, as well as make carrot cake and watch kids hunt for eggs. I take seriously the gift of Communion, and I feel grateful for the forgiveness of sin. I'm a Christian, and I believe in celebrating this day.

My former husband, Ray, wrote extensively about transformation, which is symbolized wonderfully in his songs. Our hearts are to be made into the likeness of Christ where Paul wrote:

Romans 12:2 "be transformed by the renewing of your minds",

Jesus himself taught his disciples to love God and love others:

³⁷ Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’^[a] ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b] ⁴⁰ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

Ray continually sang of that change.

Because of Easter and the fact that Ray's music often is highlighted for church celebrations (i.e. "Watch the Lamb" and others) that I've seen an increase in the hits of this blog. (Heavens to betsy, I hardly even write any more!) as well as long e-mails trying to set me on the right path. Some question if I remain a Christian. No problem. I understand that I've made myself public and fairly transparent, and for that reason, people can easily contact me and say what they will. Anyone can ask what they will. All of that is fine with me, and I don't harbor ill feelings toward others. It's just that they don't see the light from my window.

From the place where God put me, I changed my heart (emotions) as well as my mind (thoughts), and I believe that God brought me to the point where I am. God always knows the outcomes of lives, and I know that I have trusted God since I was very young. When Ray "came out" to us (me and our four grown kids), I was a fundamentalist Christian, even if I was not the most conservative one. Since that time I have changed - really, really changed. There is still a lot to sort, and I still have many, many questions.

But I do have my own window, and I do know what I know. If anything has made me see the light of Christ more fully, it's the fact that I had to be more inclusive in how I see God/Jesus, the Light of the World, and upon whom that Light is shining. And I believe it shines on us ALL.

Happy Easter.

Slipper mornings.

2011-03-18T09:11:00.000-04:00

I have this non-routine routine when I'm off work, like today. I get up at the normal time (crack of pre-dawn) and try to sleep late. Thinking of the dog and how he needs to go out, I finally rouse myself and head downstairs. I think of my dad and how I should go over early to visit him, but first I'll just check my e-mail, facebook, blog comments (if there are any), etc. It is more like me (so I say) to get dressed first, but since the dog needs to go out, I stay in my jammies. I think, "I won't put on slippers, so that will make me go back upstairs because my feet will be cold if I get on the computer too long..."

So, here I sit. It's been over 90 minutes, and yes, my feet are FREEZING. But the dog got out. I have yet to see my dad (next door) and I've sent out an e-mail to organize meals for a family with a new baby. I've written short replies to e-mails (nothing of much substance) and I'm getting ready to meet a dear friend, Kassie, and her partner, Joni, for lunch at the Indian restaurant, Sitara (of Muncie).

I say this is not routine, but I do it when I don't go to work. I better learn to just put on my slippers.

an e-mail from Brandon, and my reply

2011-02-17T00:29:00.000-05:00

Wow, this is exhausting. I've said the same things over and over, and here is the latest effort from a guy named Brandon, who wrote to me. My reply to him follows, but I simply don't have the time or energy to dialogue with him.

From: brandon

Date: Friday, February 11, 2011, 8:31 PM

Hello Carol,

My name is Brandon ********, I live in **************** and now
serve as a pastor at a little church.

I can't shake the burden I have for your husband. I'm sure
you've gotten many letters that may be similar to this, however
I am sharing this with you in love.

My heart breaks for you first of all and your family.
My dad left my mom after being married 23 years, it was
the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. As an
8th grader to hear my mom lay her head on her pillow at night.
Many times I was the one who went in to try to console her.

I Know you must have dealt with some of that in the last 5 years,
have you not?

I was preparing a message for valentines day and considered singing
with my wife the song. Let's begin again.

And then all the thoughts about Ray started burdening me again.

I would like to start a dialogue with you , if you would be willing
to talk between you and I.

I really have a burden that Ray has believed a lie from the father of lies. How could it ever be God's will for Him to leave his wife and family and embrace and now endorse a lifestyle that is clearly frowned upon in scripture.

As you know, we live in a culture that wants to excuse sin as a disease or even a genetic inhereted state of being.

So let's follow that reasoning. Let's say I've wrestled with pornography and know it's a sin to look at another woman lustfully,
instead of doing what scripture says and putting to death the misdeeds of my body, I begin to entertain the idea that pornography is ok, all of the men's magazines say it's ok, the culture says it's okay, and my lustful sinful heart says it's ok, then I begin to believe the lie that it's okay, and instead of fight the good fight, I say, Oh I shouldn't fight this, I feel so inclined to it and it feels so natural and good, I begin to believe satan's lie that adultery (looking at a woman to lust after her is okay. And instead of repenting and conforming myself to God's word, I begin to conform God's word to my own sinful desires.

I'm afraid that's what Ray has done. He has believed a lie from satan, designed to render him ineffective and ruin his ministry to the Christian church.

And if you are okay now with His lifestyle, you also have believed the lie.

Are you okay with his lifestyle? do you see it as sin or a state he just had to yield to.

The Bible says homosexuals and any unrepentant sinner, will not inherit the kingdom of God, does that trouble you.

7 Therefore, it is already a total defeat for you that you have lawsuits against one another. Why not rather put up with injustice? Why not rather be cheated? 8 Instead, you act unjustly and cheat—and this to brothers! 9 Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit God’s kingdom? Do not be deceived: no sexually immoral people, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, 10 thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers, or swindlers will inherit God’s kingdom. 11 Some of you were like this; but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 1 Cor 6:7-11 (HCSB)

I struggle with sinful lustful thoughts sometimes, but that doesn't mean that I should yield to them and just admit that I have a drawing to these things, so I am coming out as a sinner and it's okay now, everyone says it's ok. What a lie.

My heart breaks for you and Ray and your family. I would be willing to fast and pray for Ray, that God may grant Him a repentant heart.

What are your thoughts on these matters?

Seeking His Face,
Brandon

and my reply...

Hi Brandon,

Thanks for writing a kindhearted e-mail. Yes, I've received many like yours, and I can tell you mean no disrespect. Perhaps because you didn't hear from me right away you assumed I was avoiding you. That wasn't it, but rather because I was out of town visiting a new grandbaby. Your e-mail just was WAY down the list and I just now have seen it.

I've heard your comparison of being gay to all kinds of sins, and I don't consider it a fair comparison. I rather see sexual orientation as one of many characteristics that make up one's being. These are characteristics that one doesn't decide upon - much like the color of one's eyes, or whether you are right- or left-handed.

It is up to each person to determine how he or she will live one's life, that being with or without integrity. Ray has always lived with integrity, except he hid from me his true sexual orientation for the first 30+ years of my knowing him. He tried to be someone that nearly killed him, and I know he is now honest, both with himself and with me.

People such as yourself think you have an answer, but you do not. I don't say that flippantly or without thoughtful consideration. It's not what you assume in comparing sexual orientation to lust or porn - although both straight and gay men use this for their own desires.

I'm pretty sure you present as a straight male, and I assume that you have sexual relations with a wife of your choice. Great for you. I won't even venture a guess on whether or not you were both virgins when you married. Perhaps (or perhaps not) you were married prior to your existing marriage. One way or the other, you have loved and had relations with a woman. But can you tell me this? Just when did you decide to be attracted to girls?

Not one thing of what I think will probably change your mind. I can guarantee you that Ray fasted over this, and his simple prayer every day of his life was that his orientation would change. He did not live a gay life, nor did he get seduced by porn. That was not our life. It was not a change that overcame him, or a lie that took over. It was that he could no longer live a lie, and that he had to come clean with the truth: he is gay.

I don't wish to speak for only Ray. I speak for hundreds for whom I've heard their stories. And if God condemns these folks for being who they ARE, then I don't intend to hear from the ones who won't listen to the very people who have already prayed, fasted and bruised their knees begging God to change something that is inherent. Considering this, I don't think we have a discussion.

I respectfully decline your wish for further correspondence.

Carol B.

Your spouse just came out as gay . Now what do you do?

2011-02-05T00:58:00.000-05:00

Getting asked "I'm married and I'm gay. What should I do?" or, "My husband is gay...What should I do?" are two of the hardest questions I am asked. Sometimes it's a married and closeted gay man, and sometimes it's from a wife who is straight, newly learning her husband is gay. I've met wonderful people on both sides of this question, and I'm not convinced there is only one right answer.

Multiple books are devoted to how others have solved their questions. (see insert below) Counselors address authentic living and self-acceptance. Fundamentalists insist that there ARE "no homosexuals, only heterosexuals - with issues." (my own punctuation for emphasis). Bloggers share their viewpoints and offer free advice. Needless to say, I cannot answer for anyone else besides myself, but I've tried to share my heartfelt emotions (on MY blog) as I've adjusted to the fact that I loved and married a gay man. So far, I don't have a book to sell. I only have my life and my opinions, and even those are subject to change.

When I'm asked that desperate question of "...what should I DO?" - I wonder how my answer will affect people. I've discovered that others will come to different conclusions than me. I've talked to couples who recognize that one partner is gay and they want to work things out and stay together monogamously. Others decide to open their marriage - and yes, some can do that and deal with the emotions that come with new definitions of marriage. Still others divorce, whether it's with contempt of with ongoing friendship. The choices are all new when a couple examines the value of staying together versus separating.

One thing that I believe is that once there is loss of trust in the relationship, re-establishing that trust is going to take time and effort. It may be that being gay was hidden from an unknowing spouse. It can extend to horrible unfaithfulness (and the lies that go with it) that break down the framework of married life. No matter where it is lost, trusting one another again is critical to go forward. And whether it's trusting a partner enough to honestly "come out" or proving trust is there enough to raise young children together - whatever the situation - deciding what to do is going to take all the "good emotions" that you might not know you had: love, patience, trust, acceptance, honesty, generosity. And that's just the short list, and it goes for both partners.

So far, I've been one of the lucky ones. I've come through divorce with my own home, grown kids, and the ability to choose whether to go back to work. Some women have young kids, or never have the chance to have kids. Some wives lose their home, and others have to find ways to support themselves from the ground up. Sure, there is a lot that I miss. On the other hand, I don't have to cook or clean after anyone but myself. I come and go as I please, and I never argue with myself over money! (keep it positive!) Yes, I've lost a lot, but I've discovered a lot of self-confidence. My shaken faith is re-building. I've learned to accept others without judging (on-going effort), and I have some true friends that I can't do without. Through this all, I still have my best friend.

So, really, What to DO when one spouse is gay, remains something only you can answer. My advice? Be honest. Live with authenticity. Decide how you want to live, and what is most important. Finally, let the good emotions prevail.

You really want to be my facebook friend? Here ya go...

2011-01-18T06:55:00.000-05:00

Hi (potential fb friend),

How cool are you? On facebook, no less! I got your friend request, and you should know that I share some pretty controversial topics and articles, mostly in the hope that it will stretch some minds and hearts. I'm very gay-affirming, as I realized when Ray disclosed that he was gay that he didn't choose that. He was born with the unique make-up that God gave him, and although he tried his best, it never changed or went away.

Ray and I were stuck with a very difficult choice to face that fact, and I know that no amount of prayer or effort would ever make him straight. He has always lived a good life, and he was a good husband and dad. I have nothing against him AT ALL. Although it has brought great pain to my life, I know that God orchestrated our lives, not any choice that Ray made.

If that is okay with you, I will be glad to add you as a friend. It's not open for dispute, just so you know how I feel. Still want to add me?

hugs,
Carol

Emens Auditorium

2010-11-20T00:07:00.000-05:00

I tried to take a nap today - just to catch up on some lost nights of sleep lately. It didn't happen, as I heard my cell phone ring and I got up to answer it. My friend, Laurie, had an extra ticket to a show, "In the Mood," playing at Emens Auditorium. I figured it would be fun, and I've been wanting to attend some of the local shows, but haven't bought tickets. Laurie's extra ticket would be fun!

What I didn't prepare for was the feeling of deja vu as I walked along the dark sidewalk from the parking garage to the auditorium. Tonight traffic was backed up as drivers let off their riders close to the front of Emens, and I recalled a few years ago - when Ray was singing there, and no one had planned for the traffic. You see, playing Emens here in town is a "big deal" and it's like the Horatio Alger stories, or "small town boy makes good." And although there were several times when Ray played there, I remember that first time, when the traffic was all over the place, when the staff was taken aback by the crowd that turned out for a big night - when Ray Boltz, local boy, packed out the hall.

I remember getting to be backstage, and I was used to being backstage for other events, other venues and halls. But this was Emens, and lots of friends and fans were there. I recall peeking out from the side curtains - It was like they all came for a party I was throwing! I felt like the hostess for the concert, and I was so proud of Ray. I always told the kids (we had 4, and their ages were spread out by 10 years) that they had to be good, that they were to act and dress appropriately. No kids of ours were going to be showing off (although they did) or embarrassing me (and yes, sometimes they did). I remember the guys in the band, the catered meal, and the dressing rooms (awfully small). I even remember when I wore some crazy red shoes to one of the concerts, and it looked so dumb in the photos I saw afterward.

All these memories and more came to mind as I walked up to the box office, took my seat in the turquoise-blue theater seats, and waited for the lights to dim. And I wondered, "Would they let Ray play now? Who'd come to hear him sing his songs now? Who of all those people would want a photo? Who would hear what God has to say through him now?" I would. I'd go, and I'd still be proud of Ray, still be his support and his friend.

Sometimes during the concert tonight it was hard not to recall the hall being FULL those times when Ray Boltz played Emens! Who knows? Maybe it will happen again, but if not, I think I will always feel those deja vu moments, and remember...

Swilley’s story: A gay pastor, his wife, and a deeper ministry

2010-11-14T22:20:00.000-05:00

This is a story that deserves to be told! The Swilleys seem to have a way with words that I can't express, so I will simply link to their story. Thank God for people willing to come forward with the truth. Bless your hearts, Jim and Debye Swilley.

Swilley’s story: A gay pastor, his wife, and a deeper ministry

Deep thoughts from a shallow mind: It Gets Better

2010-10-22T08:38:00.000-04:00

Deep thoughts from a shallow mind: It Gets Better

My good friend, Tim, posted this today. While I don't want to appear self-serving, he and Cindy were the first of the very few of my friends who are willing to be openly supportive of GLBT people. More are appearing, but the Morris family have been my dear and wonderful friends. Their actions are what speak to me and to others, and I'm so proud of all their efforts.

Emily, especially, has led at her school to stand up for the questioning and gay kids, as well as band together the allies who are affirming. She is only 15, but she amazes me and makes me proud. She is one that is helping to make things better.

Tim, Cindy, and Emily - I'm so happy that you are my friends, making each day better. love to you all!

Personal update

2010-09-17T10:10:00.000-04:00

Seeing that I haven't written too many blog entries, I would like to share some of the things that are taking my time. I will list a few changes:

Last April I started a new job! I was very happy to find something and I'm now manager of a hospital gift shop! Having co-owned Ray Boltz Music, Inc. for nearly 35 years (part of that prior to when it was incorporated), having done a little online business, and because I had retail experience years ago, I was accepted as "qualified" and I got the job! I work with a great group of Auxiliary volunteers, have a boss that is super, and I love working at the hospital. Although I have more than enough paperwork, I also enjoy each person who comes into the shop, and helping buy things for the shop to sell is challenging and a lot of fun.

In August I gave up the website (www.rayboltz.com) and all that it included. Ray traveled from Florida to move the office furniture and we signed papers that confirm that Ray Boltz Music, Inc. no longer operates in Indiana. Ray has worked to set up the website in a totally downloadable way - songs, sheet music, and CDs, all digitally downloadable! It is nearly ready, and I encourage you to buy here.

Soulforce: I remain a member of the board of directors, and am proud to serve. Working to eliminate the prejudice and discrimination against GLBTQs, and do that through non-violent means remains an important passion for me. In November (Nov. 5-7, 2010) Soulforce will again partner with several gay rights groups for its' SYMPOSIUM in Philadelphia.

Another thing associated with Soulforce is that at the end of August it was announced that Ray is serving as their "honorary spokesperson." I'm hoping that each of us can serve to bring more information, freedom, and acceptance to the difficult situation when a spouse reveals their long-hidden sexual orientation.

Grandbabies! Early this year, daughter Liz and her husband welcomed the one they call (on the internet) "Chuck." This baby is a joy, and either my daughter or I travel as often as we can so that I can know and hold that darling baby. Meanwhile, I have two little ones who live in the same city as I do, and spending time with them is a priority. And finally, daughter Sara is expecting right around Christmas, and son Phil's wife is due 6 weeks later. Both of these babies are "firsts", so I have baby quilts that need to be finished (well, they actually have to be started!).

Dad - My elderly dad lives next door to me, and I try to visit him just to talk, and help with things he needs. He's 89, and he loves to come over for a meal (if I ever cook!) and I'm very fortunate to have him so close.

Writing...I haven't had much time for it! While I still have thoughts run through my head, I can't seem to get all my work done (I still live in a home with a lot to take care of) and get to all I need to do. If you write to me, please be patient, and I'll try to reply. This all is very demanding to work and keep up with everything. I don't know how others do it when they have family and kids at home.

Bible and changes - it happens!

2010-09-01T00:01:00.002-04:00

Here's is a thing I've realized: We Christians have looked at so many issues that are mentioned in the Bible and we have changed: left-handedness, long hair on women (uncut), use of psychologists, birth control, and even specific "no-nos" such as eating shrimp, going places on Sunday (besides church) and "yes-yesses" like stoning our rebellious sons! We don't DO those things! Nor do we have slaves, and slaves in the Bible are a "given". So, since I can understand that being gay is something someone does NOT choose, and because we have to figure out how all of us have to live with integrity, following God if we choose to, then we have to look at the Bible as changeable. God doesn't change, but how we look at the Bible does.

Grandma's cross-stitch: Be happy and gay

2010-08-27T14:11:00.000-04:00

I don't have many "things" that belonged to my Grandma "Riney". Her real name was Carrie Rinehart, and for as long as I remember, she was confined to a wheel chair because of strokes. She lived with us (Mom and Dad, my older brother, Lee, and I) when I was about 3 or 4. When Mom became pregnant with one of the younger kids, Grandma Riney went back to stay with my Aunt Evelyn, and she passed away the summer before I started kindergarten.

I remember how Grandma wore her long, white hair. It went in some kind of roll from one temple, around the back to the other temple - kind of where a crown would sit. I rarely saw her hair down, and when I did I though it was strange and that she looked a little scarey - and Grandma was NEVER scarey. I just liked it better when it was "up" and fixed.

Grandma, since she was in that wooden, cane-bottom wheelchair, played with me a lot. We'd pretend that we heard a kitten or a hurt puppy, and then go "find" the little animal. I'd tuck it into her woolen shawl, pet it, and then push Grandma's chair around the house, looking for another one.

Grandma was also really good at telling stories. She told me how the Big Dipper got into the sky, and a story of pioneer children, Jim and Joe, who hid from the Indians while their parents went to town for supplies. I was entranced by her stories, and my Mom went on to tell the same stories long after Grandma was gone. I loved imagining those little boys, and one was "crippled" and had to be pulled in a wagon - which the older boy did willingly, and saved the boys' lives until the parents returned from a very long trip to town!

Years later I realized that Grandma's boys were really named "Jim and Joe," and that Joe had died years earlier of diptheria when he was only about 7. After his death, Grandma, not yet 40, had a stroke and had to teach herself to walk again - without help from therapists (it was before 1919). I know that year because after Grandma lost her son, and endured an alcoholic husband, she gave birth in her 40s to little Mildred (or Millie) who was later to become my mom.

Later in life, some time after Mom and Dad married, Grandma suffered a stroke again - and there may have been multiple ones - and this time it permanently left her unable to walk or move her right side. Still, she kept herself busy, and I often watched as she cross-stitched with her crippled right hand, and her clumsy left one. She used a hoop, and made many pillowcases, dresser runners and wall hangings. I loved watching how she pulled the thread through the cream-colored material - and it wasn't counted cross-stitch that is popular now, but rather pre-printed flowers, birds and current sayings.

I treasure two of Grandma's samplers, and one has been hanging in my home continually for many years. It says, "God bless our home." It's framed in the original frame from years ago.

The second one was re-set in a more modern frame by my mom, and she probably did it for me when one of my babies were born. I hung it in our bedroom for years, until at some point the words didn't seem to be "current." Today I was going through some boxes in my storage barn, and I pulled it out! I was so glad to find it, given the feelings I have for my friends and loved ones who happen to be gay -

Now you may wonder how in the world this relates to this blog, and why I felt like writing about it today...

And on the back, in Mom's writing, was this message:

I'm getting ready to do a new mat and frame for my grandma's cross-stitch sampler. I'll use Mom's handwritten caption, along with the old saying. I think it will be beautiful.

It was in 2001 that Mom died and that was just three (plus) years before Ray came out, and I've wondered how she would have accepted him after his disclosure. She adored Ray as my husband, and loved his music, and I have writings that she left saying, "I want to show God's love to everyone..." And with those characteristics, I really can imagine that she'd have seen through the church garbage of rejection, and she'd have known he did his best for his whole life, and she'd let Ray know, even today, that she loves him no matter what.

As for my Grandma Riney, I didn't know her faith or her feelings, except that she loved ME. While in the 1950s it was before the current term meant what it does to us today, I like to imagine that she was saying to Ray through her stitches, "Be happy and gay."

Anne Rice and faith in Jesus Christ

2010-07-30T23:00:00.003-04:00

A while ago I became a "fan" of Anne Rice on facebook. Around that time I found that she was expressing thoughts, as well as questions, about faith in Jesus and how to reconcile ideas held by Christian churches and what she felt about these ideas. On Wednesday (July 28), just in case you haven't yet read it elsewhere, she said this on facebook:

Anne Rice As I said below, I quit being a Christian. I'm out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of ...Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.

There have been several of her posts that resonate with how I feel, but I cannot stop being a Christian. In ways that she supports feminism, gay rights, and all the others in her list, I understand.

In the last few years, I have found it hard to continue being a church-goer, when I know that others around me don't share my views. I find it difficult to remain silent as I hear others bash Obama-voters, health-care for all, and who think all women should submit to all men.

As far as where I identify with faith in Christ, I certainly believe that God has had an order in my life, the full scope of which I never expected. I don't know what else will be unveiled, yet I believe that there has to be a plan, or like I said, an order, to all that I've lived. I believe that Jesus died, rose again, and showed us immeasurable love through his sacrifice. I want to share in that life of love, and I choose to be a follower of Christ.

Anne Rice is a thoughtful writer, a talented individual, and I respect her statement to stand with Christ, while not standing with Christians. I believe that she's a leader in this, and I know many who identify with her. I know I do.

Know-it-alls: narcisstic, ill-informed

2010-07-29T19:38:00.002-04:00

In general, I have to practice listening.

When someone has a story or fact to share, I make it a point to hear them, and I have learned to be quiet and think before I blab on about what I want to say. That being said, I also have my opinions about many things, and I enjoy discussing similar interests with other people. I'm not shy, and I am glad, when asked, to speak up. Those who know me in the "real world" know that I'm a talker.   The thing I don't like is when someone talks over me - without regard for conversation. I call that person a blabbermouth, or a know-it-all, both are somethings that I don't want to be.

Thanks to google, and to it being such a fantastic resource, I also discovered whole articles about "how to know if you are a know-it-all", "Ways to communicate with a know-it-all" and, fortunately, "How to deal with a know-it-all."

Now if you take your basic know-it-all, and realize that he or she is basically a narcissistic asshole, it becomes easier to just let them go on and on, and you just think about something else until they are done. That's becoming what I do, at least, up to a point. Let me share more.

Last week I encountered a know-it-all. He actually fits the definitions I found when I googled "know-it-all" Here was the basic definition: (www.answers.com) One who claims to know everything and rejects advice or information from others.

I will refer to "this guy" as Eric. Eric is someone I met recently, and I have to deal with him in a professional manner, which only adds to the frustration. And Eric's mistake, little did he know (nor did he probably care), was that he tried to instruct and inform me about the Tour de France.

For those who don't know me very well, this fantastic cycling event became my very-much-needed diversion when my life fell apart (when my husband came out as gay, my faith fractured, and the world as I knew it had to be restructured). To say the least, I LOVE the Tour de France. I read about it, I watch it on TV (even the re-runs) and I have attended the race in France more than four times. I have favorite cyclists, I wear logo clothes, and I carry two souvenir keychains with me every day. Not only do I revere the race, but I love all things French. The race is simply the vehicle that lets me enjoy the country, the people, and the culture that I've only begun to discover. As enthusiastic as I am, I am well aware that I've only scratched the surface - I'm an observer and I have so much to learn!

Having shared that with you, I think you can understand my annoyance or frustration when Eric started his lecture to me on Lance Armstrong, the Tour, and his rundown on the two. At first I considered having a conversation, but that went awry when Eric ignored my input altogether, and there was nothing sensible for me to do than to drop it. I simply waited until he was done talking, and then Eric and I carried out our business. Done. And I no longer had to endure him or his ignorant comments (because he really was mis- or little-informed). 'Nuff sed about Eric.

Switching gears now to another topic where some are know-it-alls: Refusing to love and accept GLBT people! By being "out" as an ally in real life, being publicly supportive on this blog, through e-mails, and on facebook, I try to engage with others about another of my favorite topics. Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to do the hard work of thinking through or listening to and learning from those who ARE GLBT.

This week I heard from "AL" with this message directed at Ray:

Comments: From: Al
Email: aa@hotmail.com
Just heard your a sodomite. If thats so please quit using the church as a crutch and move on. You are only hurting Gods people and his message.

I responded: (Well, first I wrote something hurriedly and mean, and I erased that. THEN I responded with this)
Dear Al, I would love to have the right words to respond to you, but nothing I say can really impact someone who feels like you do. So many who do not choose to be gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender or otherwise, are faced constantly with people who make assumptions and reject them.
signed CJ, Ray Boltz Music, Inc.

To which AL replied: the only choice made here is that Mr. Boltz chooses to ignore Gods word and what he says about sin and also chooses to indulge in sin that is very clearly condemed numerous times throughout the Bible. I'm not saying im perfect either. I have moments of greed, lust, jealousy, pride, etc. the only difference between myself and Mr. Boltz is that i will admit to mine being wrong. he is being dishonest to himself and the very people he is claiming to minister to. Just as i have to come clean to God after i sin, so can he. God can and does forgive all sin. The first step for Mr. boltz is to admit that sodomy is wrong. Im sure he has heard all of this before, but i felt the need to say something.

I will pray that he is able to let go of this and give his life to god.

A fellow Sinner,
AL

Now I'm thinking: This guy can't spell, capitalize, or construct a proper sentence. He doesn't even use a capital "G" in reference to God, and he wants to engage in a debate on the essence of what sin is and isn't? Because AL has not bothered to respectfully listen to any gay folks, I doubt he is going to listen if I take the time to continue talking (via e-mail) with him.   In cases like AL's I generally revert to what I said in the first place: "... nothing I say can really impact someone who feels like you do."

It could be said that I'm not willing to listen to AL, and that is sort of right. Some might say that I am a know-it-all. To that I sincerely object. I admittedly say, "No, thank you," to the many who still hold their view that being gay is a sin. Out of respect, I have to say that I DID listen to this message most of my life. I'm steadfastly convinced that I was lied to, misled at the very least, and although I don't know of any time when I confronted someone to condemn them, I do know that I didn't accept or understand someone who was gay and Christian.

I'm certain that the fundamentalist message CAN be changed because I changed. That does give me HOPE, and it can happen when the know-it-alls stop hearing only their own repetitive messages of condemnation. Concerning AL and his comments, he probably never expected any reply. I'll treat him like I did "Eric" - and so many others who are not currently listening - stop and wait until the misinformation stops so that some day we can carry on the business at hand, which for us Christians, it is to love God, love others.

To the ones who think they know it all, I plead once again: Listen. Don't be jerks. Pay attention to others who live a life you don't understand.

I'm from Driftwood

2010-07-02T13:54:00.000-04:00

Recently I mentioned that sharing your own story is important, and I found a site today (thanks, Matt Algren) that shares about a million personal coming out stories. http://www.imfromdriftwood.com/ Okay, maybe not a million, but there are a lot. Youtube alone has 61 uploaded stories for I'm from Driftwood.

I'm so glad the creator, Nathan Manske, is the self-proclaimed geek that he is, and seems to be quite a developer of his ideas. The additional staffers are Rafi Mittlefehldt, Marquise Lee, and Jessie Tilton Some of the stories are funny, some sad, and of course, from each person there is something that touches your soul.

When someone shares their own story, it provides value in many ways. For one, there is nothing new under the sun, and so you find others who have been where you are, and there is shared understanding. Two, as humans who seek to identify with others with whom we don't share a background, and it helps us empathize and understand. As the stories are read or listened to, we gain common information that we would not have otherwise, and we grow.

I hope the stories are read, watched, and understood. Well done, Driftwood people.

Rummage Sale: canceled

2010-06-25T10:29:00.000-04:00

Today I'm not having a rummage sale, and I'm not working at my "new" job (I'm off nearly every Friday). What I AM doing is resting my aching back and painful sciatica. What I WANTED to do was prepare for the employee Parking Lot Sale, get rid of the stacks of extra (non-fitting) clothes in my closet (as well as a bunch of "Miscellaneous" as it is referred to in Garage Sale language) and make a few dollars all at the same time. My wonderful co-workers had even volunteered to help me, but even so, I decided last night that I should cancel. It just isn't worth it to further hurt myself in an effort to make a hundred bucks. Too bad, since I have a lot of stuff already stickered and ready to go.

Self-preservaton. I wonder, when does that kick in on a more intense level than our willingness to persevere and DO things that we want or need to do? I probably could do the sale, but would it be in my own best interest? Even with all the work involved, the actual SALE time would be fun, with socializing with co-workers, meeting new co-workers, and sharing the satisfaction of a job achieved and well-done. I LIKE meeting rummage-salers. I WANTED to make some extra cash. I WISH I could clear out some of the clutter that I seem to collect without trying. All these intended goals meant that a big ol' RUMMAGE SALE could achieve what I wanted to do!

BUT, when it got to last night, the time when I needed to load the tables, carry all the boxes, and pack the vehicle to be ready for Saturday, I just really, really hurt, and I couldn't see following through. Maybe later, maybe with some family input (hint, hint), but not tomorrow.

Something about working hard feels good. There is disappointment in not getting to do the sale. I even tried to do a sale last week in my garage, but the heat was a setback. I mean, the weatherperson said it was supposed to feel like 100*! Who wants to have or GO to a rummage when it's that hot? Yesterday I decided to run an ad in the paper (so that I could run it today, get rid of some stuff prior to the employee rummage, and I would have less to lug over there). I submitted the information as soon as I got home from work, but I got a call an hour later that I'd missed the deadline. All these things have been roadblocks to me and my RUMMAGE sale efforts!

And so I ask you: What is up in the meaning of LIFE that I can't get a crummy garage sale going?

Hillary Clinton: Gay rights are human rights, and human rights are gay rights.

2010-06-23T07:08:00.000-04:00

I am so pleased to know the Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (whom I supported in the primary 2008) not only participated in Pride Week 2010, but made this very public statement in supporting rights for ALL LGBT people.

She also encourages straight people to stand up for those who cannot stand for themselves. I'm so very pleased to be standing with her, and encourage you to listen to her speech. It matters to us all - in the name of equal rights. Toward the end of her speech, she speaks of the doing all we can to create safe spaces, and to look for those who need to be mentored. Let's follow Hillary's example, and be a part of history!

Telling our stories: Jonathan, by Lisa

2010-06-19T11:39:00.002-04:00

It is not just for myself that I write this blog. Sometimes it seems too hard, not just emotionally, but because of the time involved and the effort it takes to type out and compose what I want to say, to keep it up. Then, I get an e-mail like this one from Lisa. She shared about her friend, Jonathan, a young gay man. Through knowing him, she learned to accept him for himself, and it changed her life.

Like Lisa and how she was changed, when I needed to gather information, I was touched by stories that others put on blogs and websites and by personal sharing. I found out, to my shock, that there were gay Christians, and that there was no such thing as only one "gay lifestyle."

Now I believe in blogging, and in sharing our stories in person as well. It starts with telling the truth, despite what others may think or say. Lisa has granted me permission to share the way she knew and loved Jonathan, and I offer it to you here.

When I met Jonathan, we were instant friends. We connected on so many levels and our friendship lasted for many year. After I had known him about a year, he confided in me that he was gay. He was only 16 years old at the time. I was in my 20's. I was a little shocked at first, but I already loved and cared about him, and his revelation was not going to change that. It was something that I watched him struggle with for years. He was afraid his parents would find out and shun him. He played piano for several local churches and worried that he was going to be punished by God for playing for a church and being gay.
He went to college on a scholarship because he didn't want to take his parents money, for fear of their reaction if they ever found out. He ended up working 3 jobs while in college, to cover what the scholarship didn't. He was leading a double life, being himself at school and and being the dutiful son when he came home. It was tearing him apart. Finally in his senior year of college, he closed his bank accounts, maxed out all his credit cards and came home with a gun, planning to kill himself. But for some reason, at the last minute, he reached out to his mom for help. He finally told her everything that he had been hiding.
His mother loved him. I don't doubt that. But she couldn't accept that he was gay and she got him into cousleing with someone who kept telling him it was just a phase, and that he could change. That was 5 years ago, and she never stopped trying to change him. He dropped out of college and moved back home. He was just going through the motions really. Two years ago, a job came open in South Carolina, within the company he worked at, so he moved. I thought things were better, since he could be himself there. Of course he still had to pretend when he came home.
We used to joke around and say we should get married, just as a cover. He was so tired of pretending to be someone he was not. But he knew his parents would never ever accept him for who really was. And he was so worried about what God and other Christians thought. I guess I thought he was doing better, but I missed something along the way. He killed himself on May 10, 2010. He just couldn't take the pressures of life anymore.
I am feeling so guilty because I missed the signs. I am so anger that this world makes it so hard for gay people. I really just want to shout at people when they say such hurtful things, like gay people choose their lifestyles. If it were just a choice, Jonathan would not have killed himself. He would have chosen the easier path. I have to say that Jonathan is the reason that my heart was changed. He made me a better person. And now he is gone. I feel so alone, so hurt, so anger...so many emotions. I am flooded with memories and regrets.
Reading your blog has been good for me. I just needed to write to you and tell you what Ray's coming out meant to Jonathan. I think it gave him a brief bit of hope. I think the pain he was in was just too much. I read a quote on a suicide survivors forum that I joined. It said " the time came when the pain it took to stay was greater than the pain it took to go"
Please tell Ray thank you and I thank you for sharing your story and for letting me share Jonathan's. The more I can write this down and get it out of my head the better. Please keep me and his family in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.

Jonathan's story is important, and Lisa has offered to share it with us. ALL of our stories matter, and I hope I can honor others' stories as well.

Sex, God's way (and you know it has to be missionary)

2010-06-16T21:51:00.000-04:00

Someone identified as "Love you" on Wednesday at 5:28p.m. in the comments on "Sunday morning sermon topic: Marriage" wrote this:

Do you suppose in your efforts to help others, you end up hurting still others? Do you think that your stole would be offensive to friends of Jesse Dirkhising? Is what you feel more important than the feelings of others? Do the rules and demands that you impose on others apply to you? You say that you are not patient with those who disagree with your feelings...yet you demand that others be patient with your disagreement. Is that right?

There are people who truly, really, LOVE children and have "always" lusted for them. These people try to live a normal life; they do not want to be physically attracted to children; and they grieve because they are. But, they can not change. Would you say that "God made them this way"? How about those who really, truly are attracted to dead bodies; to animals; desire bondage and rape; or only find pleasure in pornography? Is that the way God made them? Why would homosexual deviancy be different in the eyes of God than the others I mentioned? Why would God limit his love and understanding to only the deviancy of homosexuality? Many people feel that they were not "made" to be monogamous. They can not be faithful. They NEED many sexual partners. They were "made that way". Yet God clearly says Adultery is a sin. Why? Is God really glorified in homosexual and other "preferences"? Really? Prov.14:14 and 16:25. The truth is; "For all that is of the world---the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life--is NOT of the Father, but is of the world." 1Jn2:16 God made man perfect and good, and provided him with a wife/a woman as the perfect companion. Lust is a part of our fallen nature--not good. I ran a daycare. You are a mother; you and I know that naturally we are sinners. I never had to teach a child to BE selfish--TO hit; TO grab toys or TO throw a fit when they want thing their way! Their natural nature was NOT good. As a loving parent, we must guide them away from these natural ways. Just as God does not want us to steal, kill or lie to get our own way; he doesn't want us to commit sexual sin either. You may get all the world to agree and participate in your sin; but in the end, God says you will pay in your soul..Romans 1:27. It isn't cruel punishment, but truth that if you stick your hand in a flame, you will hurt and be burned. A loving father warns and puts a barrier around the flame to protect his children. Our society has been the barrier. You are trying to remove that barrier, to your hurt, and to burn all our children.

To which I replied:

What a tragic story of Jesse Dirkhising, and I’m so sorry if this was a friend of yours. I presume, rather, that you are offended by the coverage that was lacking when he died, and you think that because he was murdered by two gay men, that it was BECAUSE they were gay. No, they were violent rapists, murderers. How awful.

It seems to me that you confuse sexuality, violence, and lust toward other objects, and even non-consensual sex acts, with ADULT, CONSENTING, individuals, legally pursuing relationships of their choice. The important part is the relationships, and not the sex act, even though that IS the end result of sexuality. I have said before that I do not understand sex without love, even though I know, of course, that it happens between both straight and gay people. I also believe in commitment, even though there are situations where that does not enter into sexual relationships, either. Sex just happens to be part of how we are put together, and yes, there are ways that we disrespect others as well as the way our Maker intended us to use this gift.

You will not find anywhere on my blog that I condone pedophilia. I repeat often that God DOES love us all, and no one is judged except by God, nor is God’s love measured by how we make love or with whom. Rather than bring up various sexual preferences, I repeat that I’m not talking about how people “do it.” My emphasis is that ALL of us need love, respect, and acceptance.

Sunday morning sermon topic: Marriage

2010-06-13T20:17:00.000-04:00

Happily wearing my "rainbow stole" today for church, I wanted attention. The stole is about 30" long, and it drapes around one's neck like a minister's "stole" - a seasonal decoration that is part of a Methodist minister's garb. I received it in 2008 at the General Conference of the United Methodist Church, and was made by members of the Reconciling Ministries.

I was complimented two times. First, by my divorce lawyer and her husband (also an attorney), who are two folks that are not only friendly, but have let me know that they are supportive of gay and lesbian people. I told them my pretty neck-piece was given to me by the Reconciling Ministries. They were happily surprised when I told them it actually IS a part of Methodism.

Next, another friend said, "What a colorful...thing you have." And to this friend I answered, "It means I'm gay-affirming, and I'm wearing it because this week was the Indiana Conference here in Muncie." My friend was taken aback, and said, "You aren't kidding, are you?" To which I said no, I was not, as I smiled and explained again about getting it at General Conference. I was kind of proud to be wearing my "sign" of affirmation, and I was happy that I could express the reason I wore it. As surprised as this 2nd friend was, she knows how I think and feel, so we smiled and went to our seats - and I chose to sit with the lawyer friends.

As I enjoyed the music, singing with a full heart, my friend Lisa, came to sit with us. After the usual announcements and so forth, the pastor, Matt, began with the first of a series on MARRIAGE. I'd been feeling pretty good up to that point - and wrote a secret note that I showed my two friends: Here we sit, two divorcees and a divorce lawyer! Oh, the irony.

Examples of true love followed: slides of old married folks, witnesses of a lifetime of commitment. A video from the Marriage Ref, showing silly arguments. And then to show how couples can grow apart, a geometric object lesson: as an angle stays constant, the points on the arms move further from the vertex (all math terms I had to look up to add here) as well as further from each other.

Wow, what a way to build up our little back row.

It took full concentration AND some good-hearted humor for both Lisa and myself to sit quietly and to keep a receptive attitude, since we each divorced for different reasons. But since we (and others who divorce) still hold marriage in high regard, we decided we would not make a mass exodus. However, about 15 minutes into the sermon/message, I had a "potty emergency" and had to excuse myself.

In the restroom, I was concerned to hear quiet sniffles - and I worried that someone needed help. My call from nature must have been a meant-to-be, because in asking, and all I could see was feet, and all I could hear was crying. When this small woman appeared, I found someone who was in much more serious shape because of this "marriage" sermon. She had just filed for divorce, and she was very, very upset.

Little did I know how much others would be suffering, and this particular woman couldn't bear to stay inside the main hall. I was so glad I got to talk and interact with her, and when she asked, I went inside and found her purse and things so she wouldn't have to.

Because I went inside and gathered the belongings of this woman, I also grabbed my own, and I didn't hear how the message ended. I wondered though, how many of us were there who were affected. I wondered, and still do, if Matt realizes that when he encourages some, even many, that some of us either have to remove ourselves from the impact of the message, or absolutely can't stand to hear how things "ought to be."

Getting back to my rainbow stole, I thought about why I wear it and what I stand for. I am part of many groups. There are the closeted gay Christians that I KNOW are part of our little congregation, and I want to be a visible support for them. The out gay Christians who are not there - since the United Methodists are slow to accept them as equals in our congregation. I also stand for the non-Christian gay and lesbian people, because we all are God's children.

I'm also part of the divorced people. Ten years ago I would NEVER have expected to be one of "THEM." Now that I AM divorced, messages like today's that assume marriage is part of everyone's life find me sarcastic and a little jaded. While divorce is no longer as stigmatized in the church as it was in the past, we who experience it still hurt, a lot.

So is there a sign I can wear that shows my care for these groups? Is there anything I can do? Is wearing a rainbow stole enough? Is it even appropriate?

I think it is not my rainbow stole that will show how much I care or display my willingness to stand with those who can't stand for themselves. I think it's my question in the bathroom stall asking, "Do you need help? Can I do something for you?" Even though I was initially afraid to intrude, it was a moment that passed quickly. And it takes just a moment longer to offer to help someone know they aren't alone.

I'm not sure how to sum this up - suffice it to say that I want to help. It isn't wearing an outside rainbow that shows my support, even though it can easily show that I'm supportive. It's the caring question, "Do you need help? Can I do anything for you?" It's offering myself, even when I can't do much more than get someone's things and give a hug. That's what I can do.

Busy days of June

2010-06-08T23:20:00.000-04:00

Hi friends and readers! I have not had time to write lately, even though I have some entries that desperately need to be edited before I post them. There is interesting stuff all around in the news:

1) Ted Haggard is starting a new church. I just hope he welcomes gay people who are out and honest. If he and Gayle are happy with their lives, great. While I don't believe that he's been made into a straight man, I can accept his spiritual gifts as a leader. I do object when he refers to others who are "out" as sinful, and these honest ones shouldn't be oppressed or criticized.

2) "Don't ask, Don't tell" was passed by the House on May 27. This will soon allow gay and lesbian Americans to serve openly in the Armed Forces, and will provide opportunities for ALL. A couple of years ago I talked with a young girl who had been "outed" by others in her unit, and was discharged because she was lesbian. In all other regards this young girl was full of merit, but her career was terminated, her future was changed because she dated another female.

3) I got a new job! I'm now a gift shop manager! Although I started about 6 weeks ago, working outside and for someone else is a new challenge, and I'm busy, busy, busy. Even though it is part-time, I still have lots of work here at home that keeps me busy, and I sometimes don't get it all done.

4) Daughter Liz and her baby were just here to visit! They live out of state, and were here for a family gathering that we call the "Brammer Family get-together." It's become an annual event, always at my house each June. I took advantage in the past week to hold my wonderful grandkids, and it was great. See the picture here? Now, I bet you'd hold babies rather than blog if it were you, don't you think?

I hope to still have time to keep blogging, because I have some personal stories that others have shared with me.

Sharing my own story on this blog has been a great experience for me. Not only have I put it in black and white, I've gone through emotions and sorted out some of my thoughts along the way. As I have done this, I have gained encouragement, support and new friends. Thank you! Because of that, and how others' personal stories have been so important to my growth, I want to be able to share more of these.

Meantime, have patience as I adjust to my new schedule. I have a ton of work to do, and still only 24 hours in a day (like everyone else). :) Have a good week!

I'm losing patience

2010-05-21T10:58:00.001-04:00

It appears to me that I'm losing patience with people who oppose me or are critical of my views. I've been "nice" about to my limit.

Yesterday my friend, Betty, pointed out levels of decision-making, I suppose it was, that she's been reading about. She described three levels. There are visceral reactions of anger and the "fight or flight" mode, referred to as reptilian. Then there are reactions which can be filed under a more mammalian level, and love falls in that category. Finally, the highest level would be toward reason, and we couldn't figure out exactly what creature type that would be, but we still understood that the third level would be most desirable. Maybe a blue creature like the Na'vi of Avatar?

As hard as I've tried to stay within the two higher levels, where I use love and reason, sometimes I slip right into CHOMPING ALLIGATOR mode. It happened when someone turned ugly toward my daughter, who was defending an attack on her dad. I found it totally uncalled-for, and I lashed out. Wrong. It accomplished/accomplishes nothing at all, except to look reptilian.

It gets draining to always respond nicely. As much as I practice and lean on my spiritual connection, it still helps to have the support I get from people like Betty - who "get it." Even at my new job, I was brought to tears yesterday by a co-worker who "gets it" without me having to explain who I am or why I support those I support.

I get astounded by the patience of others who have worked so much longer than I have to bring understanding and build bridges between diverse communities! I feel like progress is coming, and I hope to goodness that I can help in the evolution toward understanding. I don't want to turn into a reptile!

Gay Bill Offends Souder's "Moral Views" | News | Advocate.com

2010-05-21T00:04:00.001-04:00

Gay Bill Offends Souder's "Moral Views" | News | Advocate.com

Being from Indiana, I have to express my offense at Mr. Mark Souder's recent revelatory behavior. In addition, as recently as last November, Souder declared that as a Christian, he objected to the bill to benefit Domestic Partners.

How is it that "Christians" like Souder cannot see how abhorrent his discrimination is, as well as his self-righteous attitude, thinking he's being persecuted if he spouts that selfsame discriminatory speech. I just don't get it.

Now we have found out that he's doin' the nasty with someone other than his wife. Well, it doesn't fly. At least he's ashamed enough to step down from his legislative position, so that he can stop being such a hypocrite.

Boltz story carried in The New York Times

2010-05-15T00:07:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago, an e-mail came to the website, and the result is an article by Sam Freedman of The New York Times which appeared Friday online. Saturday morning (May 15, 2010) there will be a version of it in the print version. Both Ray and myself were interviewed for this article, and I want to share it.

Two years ago, about this time of year, my ex-husband and I were deciding when and how to open up with the public about him being gay. I was ready, and I was tired of keeping secrets about why we divorced. But one of the reasons Ray HAD to "come out" was so that he could continue his gift of sharing his new songs and his voice with the public. He didn't want to hide behind any false assumptions that he is straight, and he needed to be honest.

Somehow I had emerged from the emotional trauma of being the straight wife of a loving but gay man, and I became an advocate for equal rights and acceptance of all LGBTQ people. I knew that if anyone could have "changed" from gay to straight, it would have been my (ex-)husband. And because of that, I came to realize that other straight individuals shouldn't unknowingly marry someone who can never be fully intimate with them, no matter how much they intend to be so. I decided to say as often as I need to say it: God makes people, and we are made as sexual beings. Some of us are straight, and some are gay.

I'm not sure there can be any more hurt when a beloved spouse reveals to his or her mate that they are gay. Somehow it seems worse than "just" having an affair, because there is nothing that can solve the problem. No amount of prayer, counseling, or trying can change one's sexual orientation. Confronting this truth made me even doubt that any love God has for me must surely be shown in strange ways, since this isn't the life I expected when I said, "I do." Other women and men shouldn't have to experience this "discovery," nor the pain of such a hopeless secret that has no fix.

So, is there a solution? I think there is. The solution is to accept ALL people, and to realize that gay people should not have to pretend to be straight, and should not marry straight ones without FULL information and consent. My hope is that just like it helps other closeted gay people when someone comes out, I need to be "out" as a straight spouse. I have nothing to hide, and I'm not ashamed. Sharing my story? I'm OUT, I'm proud, and I'm honest.

The ethics of re-selling books (ones I don't agree with)

2010-05-14T11:21:00.000-04:00

Ethics: the rules of conduct recognized in respect to a particular class of human actions or a particular group, culture, etc.: medical ethics; Christian ethics.

Am I being ethical when I re-sell books on Amazon that clearly don't share my politics? If I no longer want a book, for whatever reason, and I decide I can re-sell it, should I? Is it wrong of me to foist my former fundamentalist outlook on those who still have that viewpoint?

What I'm talking about is the quandry I find myself in when I go to list books on Amazon with titles like this:
1. Christian Politics Rocking America
2. Turning the hearts of the fathers, by Ron Luce (with a contribution by Ted Haggard)
3. God Today

I mean, that #2 one is autographed by Ron Luce (not personalized).

What I'm thinking is that if I get a buck or two, why not? Then again, I surely don't want to add even a smidgen to the Tea Party group! While I don't agree with the conservative Fox-News watcher, I still have a Christian worldview in keeping with the mainstream church, and I want people to deepen their faith in a loving God of the Bible. Reading certain books can support or point to differences that each of us feel about various issues.

After all, I recently added "ads" to my blog, from which I gain a slight amount of cash when someone clicks on those ads. I found a way to omit the political ones that I found offensive (and contrary to my political position), and I hope that the ones that are selected to accompany my blog will interest some readers. Including ads on the blog seemed to make sense, but I don't want to contribute to anti-gay sentiment.

I don't have any books by EX---S, and if I did, I'd burn them, because it's wrong to pass their information to ANYONE. A few years ago I did re-sell some Focus on the Family stuff, when I cleaned out my stash of "books I'm never going to read." I don't even like stuff from most Christian bookstores (never did). I'm more into historical narratives, memoirs and biographies of long-dead pioneers, especially women and their stories.

Here's my call for this issue: I've tossed the Politics book in the trash can. I won't re-sell any book that spews hatred. But I don't mind making a little money on books I'm never going to pick up and read.

Further questions about why I don't publish certain comments that I deem as hurtful

2010-05-09T07:41:00.000-04:00

	One of the very thoughtful people who wrote some comments that I later refused to publish is Hadley Baker. He and I have shared a couple e-mails, and although I consider his input to be worthy of dialogue, I do not agree with his views on gay people. He wrote to me last week, and has agreed that I can use his name in sharing what he had to say.

Hadley wrote this:

Carol,

I know you did not choose to publish my last comment on your blog. I guess I would like to just leave you a final thought. I would also like to thank you for emailing me back on my last email and comment. Here's my thought:

I cannot help but notice that those who share your view on sexual orientation, gay marriage, etc. seem very close minded to opposing views. I know it could easily be said that those who share my view are the same way. But here is the difference as I see it. I am not trying to silence the voice of people who share your view. If someone wants to speak out and voice their beliefs on gay marriage, sexual orientation, etc., I do not have a problem with that. I think is their constitutional right, even though I disagree with them. However, in many modern countries of the world those who deem homosexuality to be immoral are being silenced.

http://www.lifesitenews.com/ldn/2010/may/10050310.html

It would seem to any objective person that your agenda is to tell people like me that their beliefs are wrong. You don't just want us to hear you, you want us to agree with you. And now the governments of this world are getting involved and attacking the church or those with a moral objection to homosexuality. It's happening in Canada and in the UK. Soon enough in the US, people like me may be thrown in jail because of our "hate speech" (which is not hatred at all). I just find it ironic that you would not want to publish views that disagree with yours, as though you are nervous to debate a view that challenges your own.

As I have said before, I am not angry at you, or Ray, or anyone else in the gay community (including supporters). But I do not understand why people like me are being called a "hater"...since when is someone filled with hate because they adhere to their sincere beliefs of the Bible? I do not understand this at all. I can say as someone who disagrees with you, that you will do a lot more to gain merit and credibility if you will be open to dialogue rather than diatribe. And I would say the same thing to the many people who share my views. We all need to be open to discussion, to looking at the Bible and seeing what it really says. Just a thought. Thanks for hearing me out.

Hadley Baker
Dallas, TX

...here is my reply:

(and I made just a couple edits)

Hi John,

Sorry I'm just getting back with you. I had my daughter and granddaughter here since Tuesday, and just haven't had time to reply to your courteous e-mail. My daughter's trip was a short one, and all I wanted to do when I wasn't working was to hold the baby. :)

You are asking about why I won't publish certain viewpoints, and your impression is that I am "nervous to debate a view that challenges" [mine]. No, that isn't the case, but let me explain.

I read over the article on the street preacher in the UK, and I see where you think Christians are being silenced. It appears to me that he was doing "street-preaching," and that he was expressing himself in regard to how he sees gay people. He sees them as sinful and a threat to society. He was silenced.

Meanwhile, I have read 1000s of e-mails directed to Ray and myself (sent to us as comments on his website), saying the same thing with slight variations, over and over: Gays don't know the Bible. Ray (specifically) has chosen a sinful lifestyle. Fans are saddened and disappointed. Ray didn't trust God. Gay people just need to turn to Jesus - really. Ray is leading others to hell. Ray is a monster who was never saved. Ray should just ignore what he feels. If gay people were really saved, they wouldn't have "this problem." Ray is demon-possessed. Gays don't deserve forgiveness, as they have turned away from God. Ray purposely deceived others as he sang. (and MORE and more and more comments on blogs) This is what we don't need more of, anywhere.

Let's see---how many more phrases can I recite? Plenty. And honestly, do you think that fundamentalists will stop saying those things? I don't think so. They are perfectly free (and legally able) to continue to say those things IN THEIR OWN CHURCHES. That is not going to change quickly - although I do believe it should and it is what I work toward.

I could nicely reply that I disagree with how you see all this - but it will not do me any good. I can only reject offensive things that are said on MY blog, and try to help others tell their stories. Each one of them deserve to have a venue where the rhetoric is NOT SAID. And my blog is one of those places.

I've wanted to sarcastically reply to some people's comments and say, "Oh, gee, now I see! Your meanness and stupidity has changed my mind!" But that's mean on MY part. I am not mean at all, and I try to not respond in a mean way - even when I feel like a flippant remark is what I want to do/say.

What I DON'T want to happen is that my little blog is a place of more anger and venom spewed from ... what ends up as pretty close to hate. I just want others to hear gay people's stories - and to listen to them.

I realize that your faith is that being gay is wrong. I had heard that during all the days of my church life, especially since it was a hot-topic since the Pat Robertson days of "AIDS is God's wrath" against homosexuals. The anti-gay arguments have been used to raise money and spread fear. Gay people, meanwhile, are just trying to live without being condemned. They've heard all the "love the sinner, hate the sin" stuff, and they know they are no better or worse than anyone else. Many have been raised in churches and places of faith, yet even though they adhered to ALL that was required of them, they still were/are not straight. Your arguments are not going to change them, nor change me from being their ally.

In addition, I would never want any one of my gay friends to have to read the same old arguments that you (or maybe not you, but others) would put forth. That is not what my blog is for, and like I have said, I will not allow it.

Sincerely,
Carol Boltz

Ray Boltz's new blog

2010-05-05T06:53:00.001-04:00

Finally! Ray Boltz now has his songs "out there"and has made a new entry to his "blog." Ray has put his lyrics plainly visible for nearly all the songs, as well as explanations for several of them. I think if you take a look, and as you listen, you will be touched.

Update: If you click on this entry's title, it will take you directly to this URL: http://rayboltzblog.wordpress.com/

Some comments are out of line, and I won't publish them

2010-05-01T11:41:00.000-04:00

(This post is actually a comment I wrote in response to some (3-4) recent anonymous comments that object to how I defend the rights of gay people. It is an answer to why I don't publish some comments, and some e-mails just don't get answers.)

I won't publish your comments that criticize gay people because of their sexual orientation. When you claim that "some of my friends are gay," but you "doubt their "walk with Jesus" " (the commenter's quotes), well, let me share this with you: If you hold the opinion that they are "openly practicing the homosexual lifestyle," and you don't approve, they don't really think of you as their friend, nor do they like you.

I won't publish the messages that say that gay people must be denied freedom to share their lives with another adult to whom they are emotionally and physically attracted. When you (anonymous commenters) say that someone is "practicing an open homosexual lifestyle" I know you are drawing lines of rejection, and that you assume that all people who are gay adhere to crazy and irresponsible sex - and that isn't true.

I won't publish comments that assume that molestation is the source of same-sex attraction. This is not based in fact.

I refuse to publish comments that call gay people sinners in the same way as murderers, pedophiles, rapists, or those in incestuous relationships.

There are other reasons that I reject comments, but tonight it's late, and this is my short list.

Do gay men ever really change to heterosexual?

2010-04-30T00:01:00.001-04:00

Exodus International was formed in the 70s, and one of the co-founders was Michael Bussee. At that time they claimed that change was possible - that you could actually change from unwanted same-sex desires to ...something close to heterosexual. The history of Exodus is fraught with re-defining their claims and expectations, and fuel has been added by many who really, really wish that someone, anyone really could change.

Michael Bussee is no longer affiliated with Exodus International, and he has made sincere apology for the harm he caused by promoting the hope and false possibility of change. Most recently, he has made several very calm and honest videos. Thanks to youtube.com, we can see ALL of these videos and become educated. It's better to hear "from the horse's mouth" than to listen to those who merely make theological claims.

Here is the link for the series of six videos. http://www.youtube.com/user/exodusinternational (Thanks to Daniel Gonzales and http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com for making these and posting them. I'm tremendously fond of those boxturtle guys and all they do to bring us pertinent information and news.)

How can I promote Ray's new CD?

2010-04-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

Some will ask how I can promote this new CD. My answer is not simple to understand, but it is also, like Ray expresses, true.

Ray Boltz has never done anything to purposely hurt me or cause me pain. He wanted nothing other than to let me escape his ultimate acceptance of his own God-given sexual orientation. Yes, it might have been easier if I'd known a little bit before the 30-year mark, but I didn't. And at the point when one person of a mixed-orientation marriage is gay, you have to deal with that reality. That is what I've done.

I am letting people know that if there were any other solution, we'd have found it. I'm letting other straight spouses know that if they are married to a gay person,you just might need to listen to, "God knows I tried," in order to realize that you are loved, but not in the way that you deserve. And when a parent or family member needs to hear the heart of a gay person, they might listen to, "I chose," and realize that gay people don't choose their sexual orientation. And for the Christians who struggle with their responses to gays in their churches and communities, I'd suggest that you listen to, "Who would Jesus love?"

And those suggestions are just so folks can TRY to understand how people who are gay feel in just a small way. If it takes a few "listens," so be it - there's hope if you will hear that same heart of Ray Boltz that you came to love before YOU knew.

True also includes serious songs, as well as some with humor, and for those who are trying to reconcile their faith as it relates to self-acceptance, this entire collection of songs are true and self-accepting. Ray has never written anything he didn't fully commit to, and this CD is no different.

Prior to this recording, Ray adhered to faith that fulfilled the stereotypical fundamentalist. Now, he's still sharing faith, but it is deeper and it's honest in a way that he never could share before.

Once you've heard it, I hope it helps you understand how I can support and promote this record.

Ray's new CD: True - available on amazon.com

2010-04-26T00:01:00.002-04:00

Here is my non-veiled, blatant announcement of Ray Boltz's new CD. It is now on AMAZON.com, and you can order it! It is downloadable - for only $8.99! TRUE by Ray Boltz

Go check it out, order it, and tell Ray how much you like it. (on Facebook, here: Ray Boltz Fan Club
or here: Ray Boltz

Tony Campolo: loving people who are gay

2010-04-21T07:48:00.002-04:00

(hat tip to Tim Morris at http://wunsicdude.blogspot.com/)

Several years ago, I realized that Tony Campolo is one preacher whom I sincerely want to emulate when he talks about loving people. I know of many who describe themselves as Christians, but they qualify their relationships with gay people in the category, "love the sinner, but hate the sin." That phrase is highly judgmental, and I don't like it at all, but Tony refers to it in this video.

I want to ask that you watch this video, which is about 7 minutes long. You will hear from a respected Christian pastor and leader, and I hope it will provide insight into one more aspect of "love your neighbor as yourself."

Reprint of Ray Boltz' original "coming out" article: "Key Changes" by Joey DiGuglielmo, Washington Blade, Sept. 12, 2008

2010-04-17T00:01:00.001-04:00

My note: Because the original article is no longer available online, I am reprinting it here on my blog. Ray Boltz, in August of 2008, agreed to several interviews by phone with Joey DiGuglielmo.

September 16, 2008 • from the WASHINGTON BLADE by Joey DiGuglielmo

Ray Boltz wanted to do something nice.
He’d visited the mostly gay Jesus Metropolitan Community Church in Indianapolis and liked Rev. Jeff Miner, so he decided to give him a copy of his 1997 holiday recording, “A Christmas Album.”

It was one of 16 albums Boltz, 55, recorded during a nearly 20-year recording career that saw the Muncie, Ind., native become one of the better-known singer/songwriters in Contemporary Christian Music, a genre born out of the Jesus Movement of the early 1970s that made singers like Amy Grant, Sandi Patty, Michael W. Smith and Steven Curtis Chapman superstars in religious music with occasional excursions into mainstream pop culture.

Boltz, with about 4.5 million LPs, cassettes and CDs sold, never made a splash outside of Christian circles but he never really tried. With a handful of RIAA Gold-certified albums, three Dove Awards from the Gospel Music Association (GMA) and a string of 12 No. 1 hits on Christian radio, Boltz is a household name in evangelical circles. “Thank You,” a sentimental song about a dream in which a Christian thanks the Sunday school teacher who led him to embrace Christ, is his signature song. It was the GMA song of the year in 1990 and has become a staple of Christian funerals. Other Boltz trademarks are “Watch the Lamb,” “The Anchor Holds” and “I Pledge Allegiance to the Lamb.”

Boltz brought the Christmas CD with him to MCC-Indianapolis on that cold, sunny December 2007 day and slipped it to Miner on his way out with a note taped to it on which he’d jotted his e-mail address.

Ostensibly it was an innocuous thing to do, but for Boltz it was a big step. It eventually led to him opening up to Miner, one of the first times anybody outside Boltz’s circle of family and friends knew his long-kept secret: Ray Boltz is gay.
“I didn’t make a big deal of it,” Boltz says during a 90-minute phone interview from his home in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. “But I was trembling. I’d kind of had two identities since I moved to Florida where I kind of had this other life and I’d never merged the two lives. This was the first time I was taking my old life as Ray Boltz, the gospel singer, and merging it with my new life. Emotionally it was kind of a big deal to think about that.”

Ray Boltz was tired of living a lie. He’d gotten to a point nearly three years before where he couldn’t continue down the road his life had gone.

His 33-year marriage to ex-wife Carol was, he says, largely a happy one. It produced four children — three daughters and a son who are now between 22 and 32 — but family life and going through the motions of being straight had grown so wearying to Boltz, he was in a serious depression, had been in therapy for years, was on Prozac and other anti-depressants and had been, for a time, suicidal.

“I thought I hid it really well,” he says. “I didn’t know people could see what I was going through, the darkness and the struggle. After I came out to my family, one of my daughters said she was afraid to walk in my bedroom because she was afraid she’d find me — that I’d done something to myself. And I didn’t even know they’d picked it up.”

The Boltz family remembers Dec. 26, 2004 for two reasons: the tsunami in the Indian Ocean but also the tsunami that their husband and father unleashed when he told them what had been bothering him for so many years.

He hadn’t planned a major announcement — but sitting around the kitchen table at his daughter’s house, Boltz’s son, Philip, asked him what was wrong.

“I thought, ‘Well, I can just do what I always do and hide the truth or I can take a risk and be honest,’” Boltz says. “That day, with the tsunami, has become very symbolic in our family.”

Nobody was sure, at the time, what the ramifications of the revelation would be, least of all Ray.

“It’s hard to say I came out because I didn’t have all the answers. I just admitted what I was struggling with and what I was feeling. It’s hard to go, ‘This is the point where I accepted my sexuality and who I was,’ but I came out to them and shared with them what I’d been going through.”

Continuing to pretend, Boltz says, was no longer an option.

“I’d denied it ever since I was a kid. I became a Christian, I thought that was the way to deal with this and I prayed hard and tried for 30-some years and then at the end, I was just going, ‘I’m still gay. I know I am.’ And I just got to the place where I couldn’t take it anymore … when I was going through all this darkness, I thought, ‘Just end this.’”

His family’s reaction took time. “I don’t want to downplay it like it was just, ‘Oh, well that’s OK.’ It was a very tough time for them too, but the bottom line was they loved me and they still love me … it’s been an amazing journey of acceptance on their part … I was offered support and love from each member of my family, including my wife.”

Humble beginnings

Ray Boltz was born in June 1953, the middle of three children (a fourth died shortly after birth) to William and Ruth Boltz. Ray’s early religious experience centered around a small country Methodist church.

He discovered rock music in high school. Lying on his bed at age 17 hearing the Allman Brothers’ “Whipping Post” awoke him to the possibilities of music. There was a smidge of budding radical in him — he participated in an anti-war rally; high school friends had gone to Woodstock, though he didn’t. A hippie spin-off of sorts, the Jesus Movement was gradually making its way across the country from California.
Boltz injured his back in 1972 and was in the hospital when a visiting minister invited him to Jacob’s Well, a Christian coffeehouse in nearby Harper City, Ind. When Boltz recovered, he checked it out, saw gospel group the Fisherman perform and had a life-altering experience.

“That evening had a profound impact on my life,” he says. “I realized that this was the truth and that Jesus was alive … that’s really where I made a commitment to Christ. I decided I could be born again and all of the things I was feeling in the past would fall away and I would have this new life.”

He became a regular at Jacob’s and met Carol Brammer at its upstairs Christian bookstore later that year. They attended Bible studies together and eventually wed in 1975.

Indiana — for some reason that’s never been fully explored — had become a hotbed of Christian music. The Jesus Movement had a surge of early ’70s activity in Boltz’s part of the state and gospel music legends like Bill and Gloria Gaither, Sandi Patty, members of Petra and late gospel singer Rich Mullins all hailed from the Hoosier state.

His early years of family life were good ones and Boltz recalls them fondly. He worked for the state highway department and drove a snowplow truck while putting himself through college. He’d write songs and sing on weekends. After college he worked five years at a manufacturing plant.

A series of self-made indie cassettes of his songs, which he sold at concerts, made him realize the importance of having a producer/arranger and by the mid-1980s, he plunked “everything we had” into recording an album at Bill Gaither’s Indiana studio.
Boltz financed “Watch the Lamb” for $11,000. It was picked up by Heartland Records in Orlando, Fla., and distributed by the CCM label Benson.

He quit his job in 1986 and went into music full time. Boltz’s career soared with the release of his second album, “Thank You” (1988).

He spent most weekends on the road and maintained a steady output of recording. Despite Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) having its unofficial headquarters on Nashville’s Music Row, by the time Boltz became well known, his children were in school in Indiana and, like the Gaithers and Sandi Patty, he remained based there. He became well regarded for an unusual level of giving back, eventually donating some concert proceeds for orphanages in Calcutta, Sri Lanka and a home for abandoned AIDS babies in Kenya.

Touring eventually involved a band, two buses and a semi-trailer truck and a crew of about 15 people with Ray headlining venues that sat between 5,000 and 7,500 people.
“Those were definitely wonderful, wonderful years,” Boltz says. “There’s absolutely no question about it … I believed what I sang but in the back of my mind, I always felt I could never quite measure up. So yes, they were good years, but there was also a lot of pain.”

It got to the point by the early-to-mid ’00s that keeping his homosexuality hidden had become an increasingly wearying notion. “You get to be 50-some years old and you go, ‘This isn’t changing.’ I still feel the same way. I am the same way. I just can’t do it anymore.’”

There was some exploration of “ex-gay” therapy though Boltz never attended an “ex-gay” camp or formal seminar. “I basically lived an ‘ex-gay’ life — I read every book, I read all the scriptures they use, I did everything to try and change.”
Indirectly, this spilled out into his songwriting. Boltz says even though he never told his fans the specifics of his struggle, it added a dimension to his lyrics that resonated.

“It’s there on every single record,” he says. “That struggle of accepting myself and my feelings. There’s a lot of pain there and it connected with a lot of people. They weren’t struggling with the same thing necessarily but we all suffer with our humanity.”

There were other signs that his music was connecting. He was shocked to see two kids from a Calcutta mission singing “Thank You” during ABC’s coverage of Mother Teresa’s funeral in 1997.

He’d met Bill McCartney, the founder of Promise Keepers, a controversial religious group that advocates men being the head of Christian households, at a meeting and ended up singing in front of 1.3 million Christian men at a Promise Keepers rally (“Stand in the Gap”) at the Mall in Washington in October, 1997. And one of the Christian teens killed in the Columbine High School massacre in Colorado in 1999 had been a Boltz fan and had performed choreography to his music.

But on the personal side, the pain of the closet kept a tight grip. His physical relationship with his wife hadn’t been torturous. He says it helped that he felt genuine affection for her, if not sexual desire.

“Sex was based on the fact that we loved each other and I wanted to make her happy,” he says. “I had sexual drives as well. You know, it’s like I never had to talk myself into having a relationship with her or that I was going, ‘Oh God, here we’re going to bed again’ — it wasn’t that. I loved her and we had a very full life; it’s just that inside, deep inside, it really wasn’t who I was.”

Aside from sex, Boltz says this eventually took a toll on the couple’s intimacy.
“It wasn’t something that manifested itself in that we never had sex … but how can you truly be intimate with someone when you don’t know who they are, when they won’t reveal themselves to you … I thought if I can’t say this to the people I love, then what kind of life is this?”

Retiring from singing

Boltz began slowing down in the summer of 2004. He quietly retired from singing, recording and touring. He and Carol separated in the summer of 2005 and he moved to Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. He only casually knew a few people there but thought it would be a good place to start a new, low-key life and get to know himself.

He and Carol Boltz remain close (their divorce was finalized early this year). She’s become involved with the gay advocacy group Soulforce but declined, through Boltz, to be interviewed for this story.

Not many in CCM seemed to think anything was awry. Boltz says people just assumed he was ready for a break after so many years on the road. Touring and wise investing had put Boltz in a comfortable place financially; it was important to him to make sure Carol had money, too, before moving.

The early months in Florida felt strange and different, but also liberating.
His faith was in transition — tenants he’d adhered to all his life suddenly were up for reconsideration, but there was a peace he hadn’t felt before.

“I had a lot of questions [about faith], but at the bottom of everything was a feeling that I didn’t hate myself anymore, so in that sense I felt closer to God.”
Boltz declines to go into specifics about the first time he was with a man, but says he has been dating and lives “a normal gay life” now.

“If you were to hold up the rule book and go, ‘Here are all the rules Christians must live by,’ did I follow every one of those rules all that time? Not at all, you know, because I kind of rejected a lot of things, but I’ve grown some even since then. I guess I felt that the church, that they had it wrong about how I felt with being gay all these years, so maybe they had it wrong about a lot of other things.”
As he sorted out his faith, Boltz began building a new life for himself. He took some graphic design courses. He found he could be almost completely anonymous in Ft. Lauderdale. The mullet he’d sported in the ’80s was long gone and CCM had always been a somewhat insular community.

Boltz says the anonymity was a blessing. “I didn’t have to be who I was in the past. I didn’t have to fit somebody else’s viewpoint of what they thought I was. I could just be myself and I met a lot of wonderful people.”

New directions

The name on the CD didn’t register with MCC’s Rev. Jeff Miner at first. And that was just fine with Ray Boltz. Miner liked the Christmas CD and was so impressed he e-mailed Boltz and asked him if he’d ever thought about doing music full time.
Boltz laughed as he read the note. “He obviously had no idea who I was and I just loved that,” Boltz says. “I just said, ‘Uh, yeah, I used to.’”

Miner showed the CD to the music leaders at MCC Indianapolis who, recognizing Boltz’s name, were dumbfounded that he’d been to their church. When they mentioned some of Boltz’s hits to him, Miner made the connection.

Miner told Boltz if he was ever in the area again — Boltz makes regular trips back to the Midwest to visit family — that he was welcome to sing. “I was scared to death when he said it,” Boltz says. “But I finally got the courage and said, ‘Yeah.’”

Boltz had no interest in rejuvenating his career but the same musical passion that had driven him since he was a teen, inspired him to use songwriting cathartically. The songs “I Will Choose to Love” and “God Knows I Tried,” two of the most recent he’s written, capture where he is now.

“I was so good at pretending/like an actor on a stage/but in the end nobody knew me/only the roles that I portrayed/and I would rather have you hate me/knowing who I really am/than to try and make you love me/being something that I can’t” (from “God Knows I Tried”).

This started a chain reaction of events that led to this story. Boltz performed at Miner’s church to an enthusiastic reception. Miner then introduced him to Rev. Cindi Love, executive director of the Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches, who’d just released a book called “Would Jesus Discriminate,” a discussion of Christianity and homosexuality.

Love speaks highly of Boltz, whom she met in May. “After I got to know him, I thought, ‘This is one of the most sincere guys I’ve met in a long time,’” she says. “It’s an especially rare thing to see for someone who’s been in the music industry. He’s just clearer. He’s not jumbled up in ego.”

Love invited Boltz to join her at MCC Washington where he sang on May 25 and, even though it was not stated that Boltz is gay, the congregation connected with the songs. “I didn’t tell them I was gay but I still felt like I was being authentic, that I could be who I was,” Boltz says. “They all jumped up at the end of the song, clapping and all gave me hugs. It was pretty amazing.” (Boltz will return to MCC Washington for a free concert at 3 p.m. on Sept. 21.)

Boltz is clear, though, about his reasons for coming out publicly. “I really had no master plan here,” he says. “I’ve just been trying to go with the idea that you can either live your life out of love or out of fear. I could just stay here in Florida and be pretty anonymous. I could go work at Wal-Mart or something where nobody knows who I am, but to me, that’s kind of living in fear.”

Though he’s open to performing, Boltz says he doesn’t plan to let this issue take over his life. “I don’t want to be a spokesperson, I don’t want to be a poster boy for gay Christians, I don’t want to be in a little box on TV with three other people in little boxes screaming about what the Bible says, I don’t want to be some kind of teacher or theologian — I’m just an artist and I’m just going to sing about what I feel and write about what I feel and see where it goes.”

Anti-gay discrimination

Even though Boltz plans no triumphant homecoming to Christian music, there may be rough days ahead. The Contemporary Christian Music scene has traditionally held its artists to much higher standards than their pop counterparts and it’s only been those who’ve shown repentance for their perceived sins, who have been able to rebuild their careers.

Joe Hogue worked for years as a CCM producer in Nashville with acts like Carman, DC Talk, BeBe and CeCe Winans and others, and found the calls for work completely dried up when he divorced his wife and came out.

“There are a lot of closeted people in Christian music,” says Hogue, who now lives in California and works with gay singers like Nemesis and Jason & DeMarco. “And, you know, it’s not even really the artists that care about it so much, they just know their audience will.”

No artist of Boltz’s prominence has come out. A few minor CCM players have, but their decisions were hardly celebrated.

Marsha Stevens, a Jesus Movement songwriter famous for the Christian folk song, “For Those Tears I Died,” a favorite in youth camps and churches for decades, came out in 1980. She was famously renounced by Bill Gaither, whom she’d been photographed with at one of his “Homecoming” concerts, in 2006.

Kirk Talley, a Southern Gospel singer (a slightly different genre than CCM, though there’s some overlap of the players), confessed to struggling with homosexuality and came out in GQ in 2005. He’s continued singing in churches but only because he’s categorized his sexual orientation as a burden to be carried.

Talley initially declined to be interviewed for this story saying he’d “been through enough hell,” but did consent to one comment: “I will definitely be in prayer for Ray,” he said in an e-mail. “He has no idea the crap he will have to endure.”

Others appear to avoid the topic altogether. Though it’s not fair, of course, to assume a Christian singer who never married is gay, speculation has existed in fan circles for years that single CCM artists like Mark Lowry and Margaret Becker might be gay (Lowry has denied that he’s gay; neither Lowry nor Becker responded to interview requests for this story).

Word records, which used to distribute Boltz’s music, didn’t respond to a request seeking comment. The Gospel Music Association, the organization that gives out Dove Awards, said via e-mail that “GMA is a trade organization that works for our members to promote gospel/Christian music, not a religious or political group. As such, we do not comment on the lifestyle choices of people in our community.”

Gay Christian artists like Jason & DeMarco have never been embraced by the CCM community, but have found a degree of compensation for it in the gay community.
And things may be easing — when Christian DJ Azariah Southworth and Tony Sweet, a runner up on a gospel-music reality show, came out, reaction was muted. But neither have the prominence of a major CCM act.

Even MCC’s Cindi Love anticipates tough times ahead for Boltz. “He needs to get through this initial coming-out process and just see how that feels,” she says. “A lot of people will probably throw a bunch of stuff at his family. I pray they don’t, but I bet they will.”

Hogue, who worked with Boltz on his 1991 album “Another Child to Hold” and has helped him record a few new songs for a still-evolving possible new project, says he hopes for a day when Christians will see homosexuality as no more a perceived sin than it used to be for women to be ministers or for divorced Christians to hold leadership positions in churches.

“I like to hope for the best, but it will be slow moving,” Hogue says.
Boltz admits to some nervousness, but says ultimately, he isn’t worried.
He doesn’t want to get into debates about scripture and has no plans to “go into First Baptist or an Assembly of God church and run in there and say, ‘I’m gay and you need to love me anyway.’”

For him, the decision to come out is much more personal.

“This is what it really comes down to,” he says. “If this is the way God made me, then this is the way I’m going to live. It’s not like God made me this way and he’ll send me to hell if I am who he created me to be … I really feel closer to God because I no longer hate myself.”

Being out as an ally

2010-04-16T00:01:00.002-04:00

How things change! Although I've had two blogs, only on this one have I been "open and affirming." It was before Ray was out that I actually began to blog, and I had no idea that I would EVER have something this public and revealing about my personal life. I want to share how this change occurred, so I will.

I started blogging over 5 years ago, through a very veiled blog called Knitter's Greenhouse. I was inspired to write a blog by my daughter, Liz, and my son, Phil, who at that time, both had blogs of their own. I was familiar with blogs since '98-99, when Phil had shown me his blog. He was away from home doing an internship with Teen Mania, and the blog was a way to drop in on his life and comments, and he welcomed me to read his entries.

Liz is also a wonderful, talented writer. She is currently working toward her MFA (Masters in Fine Arts) at the University of New Hampshire. I tell people that Liz has been writing since she could hold a pencil - and this isn't much of an exaggeration. She journaled since middle school (or before) and when she was even younger she wrote LOTS of stories - that I was not allowed to read until they were FINISHED.

Karen, my oldest daughter, even has a family blog and a business blog. (I don't see near enough entries on that family blog - hint hint) Meanwhile, Sara (whom I call "my baby daughter") has even kept a blog for short periods of time, but sometimes it gets very demanding, and FACEBOOK takes enough time to update and read, so I totally understand that she can't maintain a blog.

I tell you, dear readers, about all these to let you know that these kids had to get their communication skills from their dad. And as time passed, they inspired me to set up and write a few lines, hence, Knitter's Greenhouse. I couldn't even come up with a better name than that. Nothing snappy or original, but those things are what I like and am "into," so I started right about the time that Ray built me a greenhouse to play with my plants.

Soon after I started writing, I realized how little I could say - NOT because I ran out of words, but because my life came screeching to a halt. It was in Dec. 2004 that Ray "came out" and I could no longer share what I was going through, without revealing what I was going through.

It was a crazy time, and my writing was vague and distant.

I never revealed anything about my name or my personal struggles, even though I referenced my kids and was linked to Liz's, where she DID always use her real name. I knew that a slip could say too much, and we were not ready for that - I was not ready for that. My favorite post was about a shell called a Junonia. When I re-read it to post the link, I think I sound a lot more together than I actually felt, but I was doing the best I could at the time.

Some friends were quilters, and I caught their enthusiasm. Quilting and sewing took my mind from my problems, and I had a grandbaby coming. By winter of 2005, before Arya was born, I sewed a BUNCH of baby quilts, knitted an afghan, and experienced joy in my creations. As time went by, I also put up photos of my projects, and blogged occasionally, still anonymously. No one EVER read that blog except my family, and that was really why I had started it in the first place. The blog served its purpose.

I can't remember when it was, but out of the blue I got some anonymous questions: "Was my husband gay?" Freaking out doesn't describe my panic! What if this was OUT THERE? My thoughts were that no one would understand, no one would realize that Ray and I had parted on friendly terms, and no one would understand that this was still our private situation. Plus, this person was ANONYMOUS! They didn't approach me with disclosure on THEIR part, so I realized that I had NO obligation to respond.

My solution to the problem was to change the blog address slightly, make a post about who the blog was for, and ignore anonymous complainers, questions, or rumors.

By April of 2007 a HUGE change happened for me! I met Peterson Toscano, from whose blog I had learned so much. Here's my first "coming out" as a very timid ally: April 2007 (note added 10:18 on Friday, 4/16/10**somehow this link was omitted in what I posted)

In 2008, by the time Ray's Word contract had expired (April of 2008), Ray and I decided together that it was becoming the "right time" to go public. Ray wanted to sing again. He had new songs, and he had gained a level of self-acceptance that assured him that he no longer wanted to be closeted. For myself, I had learned enough and made enough contacts in the world of advocacy, that I WANTED him to come out! I WANTED to be able to stand up for other people, and I WANTED to be openly affirming of ALL people who identify as GLBT. In September, what we refer to as "the article" came out.

When I felt I could be silent no longer (which I've never been good at) I decided to start a brand new blog and call it, "My heart goes out." This time around I didn't want to be vague, veiled or anonymous. I knew that putting things on the internet was going to open myself to more criticism, but I had nothing to be ashamed of. I was not ashamed of Ray, our life together, nor our decision to divorce. Sad, yes. Still grieving, yes. Closeted as an ally? NO! I decided to be open, self-revealing, and honest, and once I made that decision, I just kept at it. I knew that reading the stories others shared had been so valuable for me, I wanted to share that with others who need it. Without having to hide, I could once again be myself, and I think everyone wants that. It's what I want for others, and it's why I'll continue to write.

So if you want to read some of the backstory, go see my quilts and my "secret blog." If you want the open story, want to know what I really think, or if you're just plain "nibby"* you can catch up on this one. There are no secrets any more. :)

*http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=nibby

Jennifer Knapp - coming out as a gay person. Oh, and she's Christian, too.

2010-04-14T09:30:00.004-04:00

Good for Jennifer Knapp! I got information yesterday as soon as the article came out in Christianity Today, that Jennifer Knapp is gay - and still Christian!

Of course this interests me, as it probably does other readers of this blog. It was only about 18 months ago (Sept. 12, 2008) that Ray Boltz (my former husband) made his public announcement or "coming out" statement. (Unfortunately, that article is not available online from the Washington Blade.) During the months that have followed, reactions from Christian fundamentalist/evangelical news venues/online magazines/media reports have been terrifically negative, but mostly they died down with a little time. However, all of those journalistic efforts had to take their information from the Washington Blade article (a publication for gay and lesbian news), because at that time and for some time afterward, Ray had only agreed to that one series of interviews (with Joey DiGuglielmo).

But back to Jennifer's announcement...Like Ray, Jennifer had decided several years ago that she'd had enough of the Christian music tour route, and she dropped out. According the the article, there were several reasons, but at no time does she say she was ashamed of her sexual orientation.

"That was a straw [in my decision], but there were many straws on the camel's back at the time. I'm certainly in a same-sex relationship now, but when I suspended my work, that wasn't even really a factor. I had some difficult decisions to make and what that meant for my life and deciding to invest in a same-sex relationship, but it would be completely unfair to say that's why I left music."

Jennifer was asked about "struggling" with same-sex attraction, and I was struck by how the question was couched. The interviewer, over and over, seemed determined to draw from Jennifer some kind of remorse for simply following her heart. Jennifer candidly said that there are many other issues that she's struggled with:

"It never occurred to me that I was in something that should be labeled as a "struggle." The struggle I've had has been with the church, acknowledging me as a human being, trying to live the spiritual life that I've been called to, in whatever ramshackled, broken, frustrated way that I've always approached my faith. I still consider my hope to be a whole human being, to be a person of love and grace. So it's difficult for me to say that I've struggled within myself, because I haven't. I've struggled with other people. I've struggled with what that means in my own faith. I have struggled with how that perception of me will affect the way I feel about myself."

Isn't that a graceful reply? I thought so. Jennifer made no apology for simply following her goal to live truthfully.

Throughout the interview, or at least with the questions that were shared, Jennifer continually answered with genuine replies. I loved it when she said, "I'm just a normal human being who's dealing with normal everyday life scenarios. As a Christian, I'm doing that as best as I can." Isn't that what most people want? Or, at least a majority of those spiritual folks who follow Jesus?

Jennifer isn't trying to lead a brigade of activists, or to try to debate theology. Just like Ray, she needed to live her life honestly. Fortunately, she had not married a straight spouse, which would have gone against her God-created and natural desires. Jennifer is now able to be forthcoming about her sexual orientation. While still being private about her partner, she acknowledges that she has someone to whom she is committed. Thankfully, she is building an honest relationship with the person she loves. Unlike other talented Christian artists who are closeted and gay, she won't have to hide or deny ANYTHING about her sexual orientation.

Personally, I want to commend Jennifer, and I wish her all the best. A question that is often asked of someone who appears to have "changed" (although they really haven't) is, "Are you happy?" Jennifer replied: "I'm the happiest I've ever been."

As I've googled and tried to write this blog in the past 24 hours, there have erupted a great number of criticisms of Jennifer as well as Ray. Along with the comments, a whole new round of people are finding out and seem to like bashing Ray. I've even had a slew of new hate mail, and it seems to be the worst of the worst.

Soulforce announces new executive director: Rev. Dr. Cindi Love

2010-04-11T22:44:00.006-04:00

An exciting event at Soulforce is the announcement of its new EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, the Rev. Dr. Cindi Love!

(article from the Soulforce website):

Rev. Dr. Cindi Love begins her new duties as Executive Director for USA based nonprofit, SOULFORCE, Inc. on April 22, 2010. Throughout its 12-year history, SOULFORCE has used the principles and practices of Mohandas Gandhi's and Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King's relentless nonviolent resistance and direct action to bring attention to and achieve freedom from religious and political oppression of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people.

Founded by Rev. Dr. Mel White and Gary Nixon in 1998, the first gathering of the SOULFORCE community of volunteers was held in 1999 to protest the anti-gay rhetoric of Rev. Jerry Falwell. Soulforce Equality Riders are currently on a 16-city tour across the south, northeast, and midwest of the USA to bring a message of hope and affirmation to students at colleges with oppressive policies toward LGBTQ students. In July 2010, SOULFORCE will attend the 219th Presbyterian Church (USA) General Assembly and bring its unique witness for truth and justice to the voting members and other attendees.

Dr. Cindi Love brings a wide range of leadership, management and organizational experience to her new role as SOULFORCE's Executive Director. From January 2005 until April 2009, she served as the Executive Director of the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches (MCC). Prior to MCC, she served as an Executive Dean in the third largest community college system in the United States, as a Senior Executive of The Toro Company (NYSE:TTC) and CEO and Founder of several award winning corporations, including one named to the INC 500 in 1990. In 1990, Dr. Love was named one of the "Top 50 Entrepreneurs" in North America by Inc. Magazine, the Young Entrepreneur's Organization, and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Dr. Love is the creator of the Would Jesus Discriminate? campaign and author of a book by the same name.

"I am really excited that Dr. Cindi Love has accepted the call to serve as Executive Director of SOULFORCE," said the Reverend Dr. Mel White, co-founder of SOULFORCE. "She is the ideal person to continue to lead our non-violent struggle to end misuse of scripture and religion to discriminate against God's LGBTQ children."

Chuck Phelan, Chair of the Board of SOULFORCE said, "As SOULFORCE transitions from its entrepreneurial stage of development, we are delighted to have Dr. Love in this crucial position of leadership. She brings a unique sensitivity to the issues facing both the LGBTQ rights and civil rights movements. She fully embraces the essential need to engage people in understanding the intersectionality of oppression, particularly within the context of organized religion and its contributions to institutionalized and systemic racism, heterosexism, classism and sexism."

Rev. Gil Caldwell, member of the SOULFORCE Advisory Board, said, "I am convinced as never before that the nation, faith community and beyond needs SOULFORCE! The alienation between and among persons for racial, gender, sexual orientation, political, religious, regional, class, age and other reasons is as great today as I have seen in my 76 years. I am thrilled to hear that Soulforce is committed to challenge anti-black racism as an important component of the fulfillment of its mission. We welcome Rev. Dr. Love to this work and to our SOULFORCE community of activists." Rev. Caldwell is a retired United Methodist Minister who participated in the "Mississippi Freedom Summer" of 1964, the Selma to Montgomery March in 1965, and the March on Washington.

I'm glad to say that I've gotten to know Cindi in a small way. I respect her work as a leader in faith, business, and an innovator in advocacy. Her book and campaign, "Would Jesus Discriminate?" was the inspiration for a song by Ray (Boltz) called, "Who would Jesus love?" I look forward to working more with her by way of Soulforce!

constance mcmillen

2010-04-07T00:01:00.001-04:00

The story of the day: Fulton MS: The World’s Cruelest Town

How in the world can people go to all the work it took in order to be mean, nasty, cruel and deceptive to a teenage students, one of whom just wanted to attend the prom with the date of her choice? Constance McMillen, the girl who wanted to go to prom with her girlfriend/date, had been told that the prom was canceled. Later, she got a letter from an attorney for the school board, inviting her to a privately-sponsored event. One of my favorite bloggers, Jim Burroway, posted coverage of the story, here.

With all that young people go through, you would expect that adults could do more than make life worse or more difficult. Not only were some students invited to this "separate but equal" (and it was NOT equal)

It would seem that somehow this "parent/teacher/chaperone group" figured their plan would be enough to get around the ACLU threat of a lawsuit.

Meanwhile I wonder who will come forward to support girls or boys like Constance, when, not IF the same situation presents itself in your town, at your local school. I hope when it happens in YOUR local school that many will not make such a disgrace of a simple request to go to the prom.

"Too much for anyone..."

2010-04-06T00:01:00.005-04:00

Another former spouse of a gay man wrote me today. She said this:

I didn't know I could hurt that bad and not die from it

I was reminded of the song by Paul McCartney, "Too Much Rain," which was the first song I bought on Itunes, and I still remember how I felt as I lived the pain I had to deal with.

Often I find it difficult to write, and to distance myself from the emotional intensity that has been my life. I don't want to ignore it, and I surely can't honestly say I'm past it all. I'm not. On the other hand, when I reflect, I know there are ways that I've moved on, moved forward, and that I'm now different, or, in a different place, than I was at certain points along the way.

Where my journals used to show the constant drain of hurt, now I honestly write about some other things than being alone, not knowing what I was going to do, and wondering why, why why this happened to me.

You may ask, "What changes have you made that helped?"

First, I had a good counselor - and that was after trying 3, but the fourth was a good one!

Second - I faced the reality that I couldn't live with having a gay husband. I WANTED things to be different, but the REALITY was that my husband was a closeted gay man. He couldn't be someone he'd tried to be, and now I knew the truth. I'd rather have the truth than continue in a falsehood.

From here the order gets blurry - but I started finding other people who were affirming, and could understand the situation that was my life. I confided in a few close friends who were non-judgmental, and looked for new friends. I visited churches that were and are affirming, where I could look around and see role models of loving relationships. I talked to the minister, who was understanding of both Ray and myself. He was supportive and kind, and it felt good to hear this support from a non-judging Christian minister.

One very difficult part was holding up my head and knowing that I had nothing to be ashamed of. I was fairly well-known in my community, as was Ray. In spite of this, I had to go grocery shopping, go to local functions (like the Covered Bridge Festival, or the Hamilton Twp. Hog Roast) where I knew others were watching me. I put on my best smile, and I went anyway. It hasn't been easy, but like they say, "one day at a time..."

I rediscovered some of my favorite things, like sewing. I've made several quilts, sewn clothing for my granddaughters, and given away hand-made gifts. I realized how much I enjoy putting together the textures and colors of so many fabrics, and I get a lot of pleasure from the finished products. I filled up a whole room (emptied of kids and a husband) to gather ALL my sewing equipment and supplies, and turned it into a sewing room! That's something I always meant to do, and now it's done!

Some things I didn't want to change, like staying in my own home. For as long as I could, I delayed and avoided any too-quick-decisions. Because of a vacation home that we owned, I tried spending time there, away from the community I knew best. However, I missed my kids, my hometown, and my long-time friends. Because of all those reasons and more (especially financial) I made the decision to offer that home for sale, a difficult decision.

As many things as I could, I maintained the same. One thing that was in my best interest was that I keep up with Ray's website. I kept on with product orders and delivery, e-mails, licensing, and office necessities. This meant I had to dedicate space and time to doing a job where I was relatively anonymous, something that is not like me at all. I've always lived openly, without any disguise.

Last fall I went back to teaching, even if it was only substituting for a few days a week. (My degree was in Special Ed., 1977, yet I've worked in business since then.) Now I'm pursuing a job that will be more regular - timewise and for budgeting!

And through everything, each day I had to deal with my faith: What did I still believe? What changes had occurred? And...where do I fit in at church? All these things were broken down and had to be reframed, if not re-built. It's been a process, but I still believe that God has a plan/purpose for what I've experienced.

So these days, since it's been 5 whole years (!) I can say to this fellow spouse, "I know where you've been, but things will get better." It may happen suddenly, or it may take years. For me, connecting with others helps TREMENDOUSLY, and since I'm a social person, I love hearing from others.

Summing it all up, here are my suggestions. Do things that are for yourself, in your best interests, and hold your head up. Support others. Don't stay closeted! Be supportive of others! And cry all you damn well please!

Here's Paul McCartney's song, "Too much rain."

Laugh when your eyes are burning...
Smile when your heart is filled with pain.

Watch the Lamb - song by Ray Boltz, video owned by Ray Boltz Music, Inc.

2010-04-03T09:13:00.004-04:00

My favorite line has always been, "...Never have I seen such love in any other's eyes..."

For us all, there's Jesus.

Have a joyous Easter.

Video is owned by Ray Boltz Music, Inc. Song is published 1986 by Shepherd Boy Music and administered by Evergreen.

Susan Stanton, who was Steven, of Largo, Florida: Showing my affirmation to someone who is transgender

2010-03-17T01:00:00.002-04:00

"Her name was Steven" was broadcast Sunday night on CNN, and I watched in order to try to understand transgender people better. This is the story: the man once known as Steven Stanton, now legally Susan Stanton, used to be a successful public figure - the city manager for Largo, Florida - and when she decided to change her public sexual identity, was fired. The man who was once respected and well-thought-of, instantly was questioned and quickly let go once she came forward, as she moved toward the reconciliation of her inner, formerly hidden, sexual identity.

There still is so much I need to learn, but I'm trying. Understanding the day-to-day issues that a trans-person goes through is like taking off blinders and looking at a bigger picture. Susan's story, brought forward with respect, is helping me and others to understand.

According to the American Psychological Association,

"transgender is an umbrella term used to describe people whose gender identity (sense of themselves as male or female) or gender expression differs from that usually associated with their birth sex. Many transgender people live part-time or full-time as members of the other gender. Broadly speaking, anyone whose identity, appearance, or behavior falls outside of conventional gender norms can be described as transgender. However, not everyone whose appearance or behavior is gender-atypical will identify as a transgender person."

Of course I wondered what this family went through, and I wish I could talk to Susan's former wife, Donna. I sure wondered what SHE has been through, emotionally, and just about every way, since her former husband transitioned. If she were reading this, I wonder what I could do or say that would let her know that her story is important, too? I hope Donna is getting to tell her story in her own way, and that she feels like she's understood and supported. (You can hear Donna in her own words on the post about the program here. Look along the left side of the article for audio posts.)

It resonated with me that Susan's love for Donna never changed. Susan said, "I am still wearing my wedding band. ... We speak frequently, I still love her as much as I did before," which is nearly exactly how I talk about my former husband (who came out as gay).

As I listened and watched I was struck by similarities of Susan's confrontations with others and with herself. The following quotes sounded exactly the same as things that either Ray or I have said...

I thought if I just explained it well enough...[others would understand]

What brought me pleasure, brought her pain...

This is not a choice. No one does this because they think it is a good thing to do. It's done to preserve life.

The vulnerability of Susan Stanton to share all that she's been experiencing is courageous and brave. The process of transitioning has taken about two years, and she has now been able to continue her career as a city planner. Her son, Travis, has remained close with "Dad," and the love the two share is evident.

I ask myself now if I've been welcoming to others in the past...those whose "gender expression" didn't conform with what I expected them to be. I have to be very honest...years ago I wouldn't have known what to do with "Susans". Even though I've gotten to know some transgender people, I'm still learning and I have to keep asking questions and listening for answers. No matter how I thought in the past, I know these days that I want to show acceptance, affirmation and support for people like Susan, like Donna, and like their family, because it is the right thing to do. I hope Susan knows that sharing this very personal story in such a public way is helping to enlighten the rest of us.

Boltz family maintains itself with love and spunk

2010-03-15T01:00:00.003-04:00

Since Ray's public coming out, and because I sometimes don't know what to write, I've mentioned to my kids that they might write something for the blog. No one had yet taken me up on that offer, and we certainly don't all have the exact same opinions. I suppose that since Liz has an ongoing blog (over 5 years, but I forget how many exactly), she's got a jump on putting her thoughts online, and she agreed that I could post a link from her blog.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm always "okay," because it's lonely and I grieve the loss of my "happy family." That said, we are still the LOVING family that we always were, and I take comfort in that. Things could have been a lot worse, and we have faced a difficult situation in the best way we could.

Some people don't know what the heck they are talking about when they paint word pictures of the Boltz clan, and Liz takes aim at their misdirected thoughts on her dad. http://lizboltzranfeld.wordpress.com/2010/03/13/your-opinion-man/

Thank you, Liz, for all that you are, and for saying what you think.

Mississippi prom canceled rather than allowing gay couple to attend

2010-03-13T11:33:00.000-05:00

When young people gather, one of the hardest things to do is to be yourself. A young girl in Mississippi, Constance McMillen, was trying to do that: she wanted to take her girlfriend to the prom. In response, the school board has decided to cancel the entire event. Yes, they CANCELED THE PROM!

My first reaction is, Wow, I bet that makes ALL the kids angry! I would sure hate it if the event I'd anticipated and planned for went up in smoke. Next I realized how mad everyone would be at Constance! Oh, My, Gosh! What a mess!

The statement from the board says they had to cancel the prom "due to the distractions to the educational process caused by recent events." I'm sure that if this couple goes to the same school, most of the students are already aware that they are together, and the board should probably cancel classes! I mean, you can't learn when there are gay people in your midst.

Aside from the fact that Constance and HER date are being denied one of the biggest nights of high school social life, this school board is acting in fear of something they don't understand. Although it's not stated, and yes, I'm assuming a lot about Mississipians, I'm sure they have their religious ducks in a row. And if they wanted to make sure no one "sins," then they wouldn't even let those hot youngsters LOOK at each other, much less DATE! After all, modern dating is NOT in the Bible!

Most of the time, reactions like this school board are from fear. They don't understand, nor do they want to. It's probable that local constituents are pressuring board members, and maybe they don't want to lose the next election if they allow gay couples. Yes, that could happen.

Maybe some think that the lesbian couple will expose other students to being gay, and are afraid other kids will "turn gay." Note to the board: It doesn't work like that.

This is not the first time that a big deal erupted when a student wanted to bring their same-sex date to a prom. As long as administrators won't open their eyes to human sexuality and it's many variations, and until there is acceptance for same-sex couples, there will continue to be confrontations, cancellations, and upset students who want to have their proms (and all kinds of other social events where equality is denied).

I wish I could be there to encourage Constance. I'd give her a great big hug, and encourage her. She's taking a lot of heat just for being herself.

Kudos to you, Constance!

What is owed the straight spouse?

2010-03-12T08:11:00.000-05:00

If you don't read this blog regularly, you might not realize that I often remind people that gays and straights shouldn't really marry each other, ESPECIALLY if either party thinks that straight marriage will change a same-sex-attracted person to be NOT GAY. If some want to knowingly enter a mixed-orientation marriage, then be forewarned that there are enough other stumbling blocks in relationships, that sexual mis-matches are ahead, with trouble and heartache to follow, and just remember, "Carol told you so."

Then there are the straight women, like myself, who unknowingly marry gay or transgender men, and they end up without means to continue their family life as planned. Often this is totally without warning. Other times it is the final result of dissonance that has been brewing for a long time.

Peterson Toscano's blog post (originally from last August), "Mixed Orientation Marriages–Fraud, Failures and Family"never gets too old to be discussed. My own blog entry is cited, and a wide variety of comments followed. Just a few days ago, Tracy had an EXCELLENT comment which came at the end of a long post/comments section

If only the family code allowed enough for a mom to carry on after staying home for years then one would not need to prove a tort case....These men are not as advertised and should pay to restore the life of their victims.

And I bring that question here: What is owed the straight spouse when the GLBT spouse can't continue in the marriage as was the commitment?

Gone are the days when a wife stayed at home tending the fires and washing the clothes. Most families are supported by two incomes, and it's a rare thing if only one works outside the home. HOWEVER, when one of those incomes is GONE from the family, and the remaining spouse is left alone, and it has nothing to do with fault on the part of the straight spouse, isn't there obligation to continue support for that straight spouse? In these cases, what should the obligation be?.

Aside from legal requirements, shouldn't there be monetary and property provision for the straight spouse? Shouldn't the GLBT partner willingly offer physical participation in raising the children? YES! (duh)

I'm often less-than-harsh toward the gay spouse, because I feel that coming out is honest. I feel that sometimes it can take years to come to terms with your sexual orientation, but most people say they "knew" years before, even if they didn't want to accept it. All that said, I think it is the RIGHT thing for him or her to keep helping the unknowing straight spouse, and I'll go so far as to say "innocent party," because that is how many of us feel. WE went into marriage in love, trusting for a lifetime of companionship, partnership, and family, and we end up alone. It's not fair, and we, as straight spouses, deserve, as Tracy says, to be restored.

Punching holes in the darkness - and a letter to my Life Group (Union Chapel/Commonway/Muncie, IN)

2010-03-10T01:00:00.003-05:00

I recently received an e-mail from my friend, Beth. She sent this to our "Life Group." In the last couple of years, I sort of dropped out. I haven't felt like I could open up with everyone, and yet I want to let others know why. I've felt like some of the group would actually like to know what I think, and this e-mail inspired my writing today. After you read the message Beth sent, please read what is merely part of my story. I hope to open communication, and maybe you will understand more of why I think like I do, why I advocate for gay people, and why I want to make a difference in the world.

From: beth
Sent: Wed, February 10, 2010 1:25:55 PM
Subject: Fw: Punching holes in the darkness

Treasure Island, A Child's Garden of Verses - those are just some of the
literary classics written by Robert Louis Stevenson. He must have had a way
with words from the time he was a boy. Anne Graham Lotz tells of a night in his
boyhood when his nanny just couldn't get him to bed. Young Robert just kept
staring out the window, oblivious to her talking to him. Finally, she said,
"Robert, what in the world are you looking at out there?" As she pulled back
the curtain, she realized he was watching the lamplighter making his way down
the street, lighting one street lamp after another. Young Robert Louis
Stevenson saw something more. He said, "Look at that man! He's punching holes
in the darkness!"

I'm Ron Hutchcraft, and I want to have A Word With You today about "Punching
Holes in the Darkness."

What an awesome description of the reason God has placed you where you are!
You're not there to shake your head and bemoan how dark it is where you work or
go to school or whatever your environment. You're there to punch holes in the
darkness! So, how are you doing so far?

Just listen to what Jesus said in Matthew 5:14-16, our word for today from the
Word of God. If you belong to Jesus, He's including you in this. "You are the
light of the world." Think of your personal world and the people in your world.
Jesus says you are their light. "A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do
people light a lamp or put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its' stand,
and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light
shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in
heaven."

Yes, we may live in a pretty dark world. But it is not a world without light
unless the Christian in a situation fails to punch holes in the darkness by
living like Jesus would live there, treating people like Jesus would treat
people, and handling situations and temptations as Jesus would handle them. So
many of Jesus' followers don't realize who they are - His personal
representative in their personal world.

You punch another hole in the darkness every time you show up with joy instead
of gloom on your face, with good things to say instead of griping, every time
you stop for someone who's struggling, when you consciously put someone else
ahead of you, when you insist on taking the high road when it's tempting to cut
corners, every time you weep with someone who's weeping, rejoice with someone
who's rejoicing, and reach out to someone who's being acting pretty unloveable.

The lost folks around you probably won't be all that impressed with your don'ts
or all the religious meetings you go to. They need to see meaningful
differences in you because Christ is in you.

But it isn't enough that they just see that you're different. They need to know
why, or they'll never be able to get out of the darkness themselves. They need
Jesus. And He put you in their life so they could find out what Jesus did for
them on the cross; so they could find out from someone who's living proof that
Jesus is alive and how they, too, can have a life-changing relationship with
Him. Have you told them about your Jesus yet? Humanly speaking, you may very
well be their best chance at heaven - or maybe their only chance.

Every morning, before your Lord, tell Him and tell yourself, "I am the light of
my world." And go out there, showing a harsh and lonely and self-serving world
that there's another way to be. Defy the darkness wherever you go. Punch holes
in the darkness with the brilliant light of Jesus Christ!

Hi Everyone,

What an inspiring piece Beth just sent out. Thanks, Beth.

Sometimes I'm beside myself wondering what you all think of the Boltz clan these days. From most of you, I have no idea. But silence is an indication to me that you just don't know what to say. Maybe by sharing more of what I think you will be freer to be a little noisier - and we can be better support for each other.

As you know, just over 5 years ago, Ray came out as gay to me and our four kids. AT the time, Karen was about 29 and married, Phil, 25, had graduated from Taylor University, Liz was 22 and ready to graduate, and Sara, 18 was a freshman at the same school from where the older siblings had all gone. We were considered an ideal family, Ray was "somebody" in Christian music, and we were all close to one another.

Yes, he told us at the same time - because we did an "intervention," for him, hoping to help him from the depression that had become obvious to us all. We were afraid we were going to lose him any day. I was scared, and it was dear Liz who finally just opened up and said to her dad, "...I was afraid to come home and open your door...and find you..." And you can fill in the blank, since it is still too hard for me to write.

Ray has said since then, that he decided right then to tell us, "I'm gay," and to be honest for the first time in his life. He didn't have a plan, but had thought many times of going to his grave, perhaps an early one, with his secret intact, his pain unrevealed. After all, I had never suspected anything like "I'm gay," to come from Ray, and it certainly wasn't the answer I'd hoped for when we chose to have this meeting.

When this happened, I didn't know what to do, how to act. At first I wondered if he was kidding. Within a second or two I knew he was not kidding, and I didn't have to ask. It showed in his face, in his tears.

So here I was, faithful Christian, married to the love of my life, and now I have found out something that I though was impossible: Christian man, and gay. I always thought that you had to CHOOSE to be gay, or at least want to experiment or something - I just didn't think you WERE that way. There had to be an answer, a solution, and I began praying to find one. And for Ray, I had so many questions: Was he abused as a child? Had he REALLY had that bad a relationship with his dad? (And there were personal questions that I needed to ask, but I am not sharing those with you all.)

There is no way, in an e-mail or a blog entry, that I can take you back to the feelings I had in the winter and spring of 2005. Devastated doesn't cover it. Pain isn't descriptive enough. Alone - of course. And I wasn't even sure God was hearing me as I cried day and night. Plus, all the time, I had to pretend things were "normal."

I'm not sure how long the stages lasted, but I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. When I did share, in general, it was exhausting. When I shared with some of my best friends, they still didn't see it like I did: I knew Ray was telling me the truth - that he had always felt different from other boys his age, and that, "it's not what you DO, it's who you ARE." Within a day of him disclosing the truth to me, I saw "it" all in his songs: the lyrics, the emotions, the fight to be forgiven, and the hope for change. All the pain was right there in nearly every song!

Gradually, as I read people's stories, I realized this: there are Christians who feel gay all their lives. There are gay Christians who live their lives with integrity, and some who don't. There are people who have been brought up in Christian homes (and non-Christian), with loving parents (and some not-so-much), who were never abused (and some who were), and for whatever reasons, they end up having other-than-heterosexual orientations. Ray just happens to be one of them.

Finally, in Sept. 2008, Ray went public. This was with my 100% encouragement and approval. I was relieved for myself to finally be able to share what I felt - no more secrets, no more "hush-hush," and no more worry "if someone finds out."

Since that time I have been able to move in circles where affirmation of gay folks is rewarded: Soulforce, Reconciling Ministries (which is part of the United Methodist Church), on Facebook, and with other people in my situation. I started an open blog: http://myheartgoesout-carol.blogspot.com, where I discuss how I feel, what I've been through, and offer hope and support for others in the same situation. As much as I've made new friends, I still feel distant from some of the old friends, who, maybe, just don't know how to approach me. I'm offering that as a possibility to give them the benefit of the doubt.

As some of my friends have actually turned from me, left me out, and expressed ideas that show me how much they differ from my views, I have turned from them. I confess that I have turned from some of you, even if many of you have never said or done anything to leave me out. I don't want to do this, as I'm a very social person. I don't want to hide any more.

I have tried to openly express through my spoken words, my blog entries, on facebook, and by supporting GLBT groups financially, that I love and support gay (GLBT) people. Some of them have never been shown acceptance from their church or families. My goal is to show that support and to reach out as the arms of Jesus and express that acceptance. I feel it is my purpose in life to come through what I have experienced, and reflect what I'd want to feel from other people: unconditional love.

When I read the e-mail that Beth sent, I thought I'd reply to all of you at once. Please forgive me for being isolated - I'm not that kind of person, and I don't want to do that to ANY of you. I try my best to live the life I've received, with integrity, honoring the love of Christ. The analogy that Beth shared inspired to me to share these thougths with you, and I want to punch holes in the darkness.

Helping those who were once were Christians...and now have lost hope

2010-03-09T12:52:00.000-05:00

The Ray Boltz Music e-mailbox was overflowing today, and I notice a theme that haunts me: People who once were Christian, but because of being gay, one way or another they are no longer part of church. Some no longer believe in God, and others don't trust God. Some writers are asking for advice, and others for help. Several of the messages were from family members, although I often hear from the folks themselves who think God has abandoned them. Here are some quotes from my e-mails:

...from a mom...

My daughter and I were reading about you online and, of course, discovered very quickly that you are a Gay man. I have a son who is also gay and, I believe, still struggles with his anger at God over this. As a young man, he loved some of your music, and sang \'Thank You\' with an accompaniment tape. He denies any relationship with God, yet I see evidence that he still clings to the hope of being His child, especially in times of need, stress, and sometimes gratitude.

...and a sister...

My brother is gay, and seems to have given up on God. He makes comments like, "I\'m going to hell anyway." I study the Bible daily, and I know God\'s love, but ***** doesn\'t want to hear any of it at all, and I don\'t want to turn him off ... Please can you offer me some advice about how you might be approached if you were in his situation?

...and from a young man who is gay...

I AM GAY AND I GREW UP IN THE ASSEMBLY OF GOD TONIGHT MY BOY FRIEND OF 18 YEARS WHO IS A CHRISTIAN AND LEFT FOR THE NIGHT QUESTIONED OUR FAITH IN GOD AS CHRISTIANS. HE KEPT SAYING WHAT THE BIBLE SAID ABOUT BEING GAY . I LOVE THE LORD AND I KNOW THAT CHRIST IS MY SAVIOR AND I KNOW THAT I DID NOT MAKE A CHOICE TO BE GAY. I HAVE KNOWN IT FROM THE TIME THAT I WAS 10 YEARS OLD. I GUESS I NEED TO KNOW THAT AS A GAY MAN. I BELIEVE ON THE LORD JESUS CHRIST THAT I AM SAVED. TONIGHT I AM VERY LOW AND JUST REACHING OUT TO SOMEONE PLEASE FORGIVE. I DO NOT MEAN TO BOTHER ANYONE....I AM JUST VERY DISCOURAGED AND WAS JUST REACHING OUT. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

a worship leader...

I am a pastor of Worship and am struggling with myself.

another mom...

I am a christian mother struggling with the issue of a gay daughter. Her father is a southern baptist minister. A couple of years ago she was forced out of our church due to the fact that she and her friend were discovered in a relationship by her friends parents who revealed everything to our deacons and so called prayer chain. I have struggled with bitterness towards these people for years. We are still at the same church. The friend and her parents have since left and my daughter and her friend are no longer together. My daughter tells me that she was made the way she is. She knew at the age of 6. Her father believes that love is a choice and you decide to be gay. I am torn. I know my daughter. She was raised in a christian home...Now my daughter is out of church because she knows she is not accepted. When will people realize that you can\'t pick and choose who comes to church? Please pray for my daughter and me. I am not really sure what I believe anymore.

...and the married person...

i am 40. i have struggled with this same issue for so long. i am married and love my wife and wouldn\'t hurt her for anything, but i am gay. I could go into great detail about .... the pain of it all but i won\'t.

All of these people are earnestly seeking help, and we, as Christians, need to try to provide all we can to support them. In what ways can we do this? I believe in being affirming, but how does one show this to a family member who has lost hope?

What ways can readers suggest? What ways have worked for you? I believe in being the hands and feet of Jesus, but what works? I've love to have your comments, so please write. Thanks so much - we have to support each other!

Carol Grever asks: What worked for you?

2010-03-08T01:00:00.005-05:00

By way of Straight Spouse Network blog, Carol Grever is asking for help regarding what has worked in counseling for straight spouses. If you have input, please contact her.

I have copied the comments that I left, and perhaps others will share what helped for them.

Hi Carol,

Within one week of my husband's disclosure that he was gay, we went together to a counselor that he had talked with, but briefly. She asked me 3 questions:
1-How do you feel about being here?
2-Do you believe that Ray could be "healed" or changed if he prayed more, or harder?
3-What do you think is the best long-term outcome for the future?

At the time, I didn't feel like this counselor was the right one for me, and mostly it was because I knew she was a lesbian woman. I was unprepared to deal with this at that time, although I don't think it would bother me now. In my darkest hours, I would repeat those three questions, asking myself if I believed my husband could have tried anything else, or tried any harder than he did - and I knew he could not change. I WANTED him to change, I PRAYED that God would intervene, but honestly, I knew we were stuck with the outcome we had.
That led me to the 3rd question, and I imagined that we could never be enemies. I wanted us to remain friends, close, and respecting and honoring the 30 years we'd spent together raising our family, in ministry, and with me as a happy wife in a happy family. I was understanding as we went along that my husband had been alone, hurting, all those years, and that he hid it VERY WELL. I sympathized with that situation, since I was so very alone once I knew he was gay. I could do nothing else besides understand from his point of view.

The next counselor I tried was suggested to me by a lawyer. I saw her, she listened to me, and then she evaluated the situation: "It sounds like you two love one another, and perhaps you could allow one another to have outside sexual relationships, staying married." I sat quietly and listend, got upset, paid my bill, and left. To me, to have a sexual relationship with someone I didn't love, was something I couldn't accept. And I thought that if my husband did, I would collapse. I rejected that counselor and her "solution" to my problem.

3rd time is the charm, right? Not so much! The 3rd counselor, who I saw on the advice of my family doctor, was familiar with my mom AND my husband (I didn't know she would know him.) When I told her, "I'm falling apart because my husband is gay, and I don't know how to cope..." this person spent the rest of MY HOUR mostly telling me of her relative who came out, left his wife, then regretted it. She didn't think my husband should come out (contrary to the recommendations of the American Psychological Assn.) and I believe she was wrong to reveal anything about her relative at ALL! Again, I paid my bill and never went back.

I was losing hope, not knowing where to get help, and finally I accidentally came across someone who helped me. This PROFESSIONAL spoke to me on the phone, and I realized she knew what to do: Accept that my husband was gay, that he wanted to be honest, that he wanted to come out, and that I was losing everything. She began by meeting with each of us, separately as well as individually, and she built up my hope that I could be okay. She didn't bash our life that we'd had - she treated us both with respect. She recognized that although we loved one another, that we would both be better off if we were no longer married to one another. This counselor guided me, supported me, and helped me navigate at each step along the way. When I was alone and needed to talk, she listened for hours. When my ex had moved away and we were living separately, and I realized he was dating men, (like I thought he wouldn't?) she reminded me that "there will never be another Mrs. [...]" When I cried that I was lonely, she reminded me that I had my children, and how much my husband had loved me, to NOT go with men while we were married. When I thought I could never rebuild my faith, she shared hers. My beliefs changed, were reformed, and it gave me hope for the future. Time and time again, she helped me.

I had to go through 3 counselors before I found one that was right for me. I thank God for Dr. Jane, and I will always thank and respect her, love her, and hold her in the highest esteem.

I'm not sure if this is what you want...but it's my story of the counselor who was my lifesaver. I would be glad to talk with you more if you have questions.

Don't it make my brown eyes blue?

2010-03-07T10:09:00.004-05:00

Let's face it: I have my dad's blue eyes. They are kind of squinty in the light, and small. I like the color, but I always was attracted to brown eyes. I wished I HAD brown eyes. Especially blond hair and brown eyes - I think that is a really nice combination. As much as I like that I look like Dad, I used to REALLY want to change my eyes to brown.

But I can't change the color of my eyes - they are light blue, small, and they are going to stay that way.

A friend of mine is rather short. She has to keep a stool in her kitchen to reach her top cabinets. She always has to hem her pantslegs, and when she gets in someone else's car, she has to adjust the seat forward in order to reach all the pedals. She would kind of like to be taller, and I don't think she ever appreciated the song, "Short people."
(I remind you this song is intended as satire.)

My sister-in-law dyes her hair a beautiful reddish color, and she, luckily gave birth to a red-headed son. This made everyone think that she's a REAL red-head, and she passes very well! She spends time and money in order to maintain this non-God-given hair color. She looks GREAT as a redhead. :)

What's my point? Some things you can't change, some things you might WANT to change, and you can make some things appear to change. But no one really thinks you can CHANGE the color of your eyes. Unless you wear contact lenses, you are stuck with the eye color you are born with.

My short friend gets along fine with her adjusted seat, step-stool, and hemmed pants. She is not looked upon as handicapped, nor is she left out of social groups because of her size - unless it's a basketball team that needs a tall player. She fits in at church, work, and as a respected citizen.

Meanwhile my sis-in-law LOOKS like a natural! My own daughter grew up not knowing that her aunt colors her hair regularly. She "passes." But naturally, her hair is not the color she presents.

With all three of these characteristics, please carry forward the analogy to what it means to be gay. Yes, one can cover up one's NATURAL sexual orientation, and APPEAR to be straight, but it's a continual cover-up. If my sis-in-law doesn't pay for the hair coloring, she would soon be "discovered." Her natural hair color would show, and we'd all know she was not really red-haired.

These three things (eye color, height, and color of hair) are examples of things you don't choose, that you are born with. Just like other characteristics that are "set," so it is with sexual orientation. Whether or not one is a "Kinsey 0" or a "Kinsey 6", it is only a description of a PART of each person, and it doesn't measure one's worth. There is no need to evaluate or judge someone based on their eye color, just like it there is no need to judge someone spiritually based on sexual orientation.

I can no more change my eyes to brown than my short friend can make herself taller! Thank goodness there's no song about how awful we blue-eyeds are!

(For some reason, blogger won't allow me to upload a close-up of my eyes. Just imagine them: blue, tiny, and with glasses.)

Conclusions drawn after being married to a gay man

2010-02-18T14:59:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I ran into an old friend, and for this blog I will call her Ellie. I should say, "a friend I've known for some time." She's not old, even if we both qualify for the senior discount at the movies! Maybe I have a bad memory, because Ellie recalled that the last time we ran into each other, I told her I was dating someone I described as, "Definitely NOT GAY." Back when I dated that guy, I was too consumed with him to remember that fleeting conversation, but when prompted about it, I did remember. (Honest, my memory runs worse and worse - just ask my kids, but I'm STILL claiming the "not old" designation, got that?)

One of our mutual friends had let me know that Ellie was once married to a gay man. For some reason, even though it seems everyone in our town (with our church connections) certainly knows about Ray (my former husband) coming out, Ellie had never mentioned it, even when we have connected at get-togethers when she could have.

As for myself, I really wanted to talk about her experience, compare a note or two, and possibly connect with another ally. That motivation led me to ask Ellie, "Did you know?" She proceeded to tell me that at least once before they were married, a friend had stated, "Well, you know he's gay, don't you?" But, like others before and since, she blew that off in ignorance because she was in love.

Ellie went on to say that the subject came up again, later, but her then-husband waved away the question so that he didn't have to answer. And, finally, there was the evidence: phone calls, trips, letters, and ultimately there was proof. Yes, her husband was gay. Because he'd been unfaithful, they soon divorced after having been married less than 5 years.

Of course I sympathized. She'd lost her love, her hopes, her future with him. I was sad for them both, and wished Ellie had not had to live with this hurt. To myself I wondered what ever happened to him - in our talk he was nameless. It made me sad to think of the hopes dashed, the questions of "why?" and how we go forward, smiling, yet explaining to ourselves in ways that make sense.

She asked me about my life, "What about you? Did you know?" "How long did you know?" And she also asked, "Did Ray ever go to Exodus?" I know I must have frowned and said, "No, and I'm so glad he didn't...It would only have made him feel worse...I don't think it would have helped, since change isn't possible. If it were, Ray would have changed."

Soon we got to the point where she and I no longer had things in common...It was when she said, "...But if someone really wants to change, I believe God will change them." And, "Haven't you heard of Dennis Jernigan? He has 9 kids."

Oh, my, gosh. Just the day before I had been writing an entry about how I am NOT convinced that by Dennis Jernigan's marriage and his 9 kids, that he is any way straight. I stopped writing and then didn't publish what I had, because I don't feel it's in anyone's best interest to comment on his personal life. Ellie was surprised at my reaction. She actually believes he's not gay.

You may be asking, Why does this interaction bear mentioning in Carol's blog?

It's because I keep wondering: How can a former wife of a gay man, having married him with love and commitment, logically come to the conclusion that he would be drawn to men rather than oneself? Wouldn't you rather realize that it was an inherent attraction to something OTHER than anything you can be? Isn't it more reasonable to understand that you are NOT the problem? Or, rather than being "not the problem," doesn't it feel better to know that you can't possibly be the solution?

I really hesitate to write more about Gayle Haggard, (wife of Ted Haggard) who is on a book tour to promote her book, "Why I stayed." I don't really want to write about whether or not Dennis Jernigan is straight or gay, or about anyone else who has a personal life that they deserve to preserve and protect. (Mr. Jernigan is a Christian worship song-writer, who claims he was healed from being gay, says he was "called to marry" his wife, and has fathered nine children.) Those two are just a fraction of mixed-orientation couples holding out false hopes of change, or at the least are living in denial. In those cases, in obscure blogs, such as Robert's "thearchitectsgarage" some claim to have overcome same-sex-attraction. (I still can't figure what he's trying to say or convince others of.) I just don't buy those claims. HOWEVER, when I see Ms. Haggard on the Today show, or read a published "testimonial" online, and when they go public, write blogs (or weird narratives) for other people in the same situation, I DO feel like I have the obligation to speak out on the conclusions that I have made.

Today I cried thinking about the families who have established themselves upon the doomed foundation of mixed-orientation couples, expecting change to occur. Some live monogamously, for long periods of time, abstaining from gay connections, and they declare that they are "cured." It is NOT my intention to break up these families! However I feel strongly that the right thing to do is to admit that the "gay-ness" or the same-sex-attraction, or whatever you want to call it, doesn't go away.

It seems redundant to keep saying it, but just don't claim to have prayed it away. Willing yourself to live a straight life is NOT the same as being straight. Remember, it's not what you do, it's about who you ARE.

What am I trying to say? If you are married, live with integrity. Honor your spouse, raise your kids. Be truthful. Don't lie. Be faithful. Live honestly.

And if you know (or are coming to terms with the fact that) you are gay and are NOT yet married to someone of the opposite sex, please do the same things: Live with integrity. Be truthful. Don't lie. Live honestly. And don't think that marrying a straight partner will solve or change your sexual orientation.

Can I be any clearer?

Post-Valentine's Day report

2010-02-15T14:10:00.006-05:00

Today's entry has NOTHING to do with the normal subjects, but is simply how I spent Valentine's Day...

I spent yesterday driving for 993* odometer-verified miles from New Hampshire to Indiana! What a way to spend Valentine's Day! While I was genuinely upset to leave my daughter/new-Mommy-herself, Liz, and new granddaughter, "Chuck," (a psuedonym to make her more anonymous online) and son-in-law, Ben, in their cozy, warm, apartment, I was also genuinely excited to have myself a little road trip!

The start of day was sunny, and I got off only a half-hour late from my plan. I interrupted myself several times that morning for potty breaks (It was nearly as bad as traveling with kids). I could also swear that New England hides both gas stations and McDonalds when you get off the interstate! Driving through those little towns to FIND needed stops take a LOT of time, even though it's a historical gold mine. Taking all this time did nothing for making time, and by 3:00, I'd only driven 296 miles! My goal for the day was 963! (Thanks, GoogleMaps!) How was I ever going to make it?

Did I mention that I have neither a speedometer or a GPS? Luckily, Pennsylvania has a unique system where they post tenth-mile markers along the highway. Using my own "unique" system, I used my cell phone and called my genius daughter, Karen. I asked, "If in one minute you drive 1.2 miles, how fast are you going?" "You are going 72 miles per hour," and from that I was satisfied that my cruise control would keep me going up and down the mountains at a safe and legal speed. (Doesn't "legal speed" mean 5+ mph above the speed limit?)

Another part of my plan for the day was to meet up with HILLSIDE SLIDE/Tina a fellow blogger and even a commenter on this very blog! Tina and I made acquaintance via the blog and several e-mails, and I was so glad to get to meet her. Fortunately, the snow that began about 5 P.M. was not too heavy, and I had plenty of window-washer fluid to keep a clear view after the semis passed me. I couldn't use the cruise, and I just kept in contact via cell phones. Tina and I had a wonderful meeting, and thanks to her dad, we were both treated to dinner. Thanks, Mr. C.!

By then it was 9 P.M., and I had another 350 miles to go, give or take a few. As long as it wasn't bad weather, and I didn't get tired, I was going to keep driving. What I didn't expect was the TERRIBLE freezing fog that occurred near Celina, Ohio! I noticed that my car showed it was 2* - a drop from 37* that had registered earlier in the day, back in New Hampshire. There were times I could see NOTHING but the white line along the side of the road. Thank goodness that it wasn't snowing and I DIDN'T get tired (which I usually do quite easily - just ask someone who knows me. I sometimes think I'm narcoleptic.) There was about 45-60 minutes where the fog was so dense, I wondered if I'd have to stop in a farmer's driveway, or pull in to a Wal-Mart parking lot - IF I could see it ahead of time - to spend the night. I wondered what I was supposed to do, and also thought of all the pile-ups I've heard about in fog. It was scary. I prayed, "Help me, Jesus." Then, by the time I got to Bryant, Indiana, it suddenly cleared and I was able to drive the remaining way home. "Thank you, Jesus!"

I was so glad, at about 2:30, to pull into my snow-cleared driveway. I had called from New Hampshire to my "snow-man" making sure he included me on his list of clients. With a "winter weather advisory" posted for today, I wanted to be sure I prepared, so, just in case, I backed into my garage. (I drive a big Suburban, so this can be tricky.) Because of the snow piled in front of the garage door, I had to shift to 4-wheel drive for the first time of my trip.

Once I pulled into the garage, backwards, and closed the door, I sat there and texted all my family, with a cell phone photo of the inside of that wonderful garage door - MINE. And some people (some who are even younger than I am) say, "What good is texting?" I must remember to tell them: So you don't have to wake everyone up at 2:30 A.M., just to say, "I made it!"

So much for thinking the New Hampshire winter experience was going to be rough. Nope, it was Indiana fog and new snow that gave me any trouble, and I was so glad to be home. A long, challenging, fun, road trip that took 16 hours to complete - and Valentine's Day, to boot!

*a little "off" due to one missed turn and the back-track required.

Those who try to understand

2010-02-04T09:24:00.013-05:00

On this blog I sometimes talk about those who get it as "us," and "we," while all the rest of the readers are "those who don't." As much as I can, I want to bring those two groups to the US of it all. No, I don't want to be too critical of "the Others," because I was once one of them. Oh, I suppose I could go off on a LOST reference, but as much as I like that show, I don't think I can explain the physics or the time travel story lines. It does make me wonder if you can change non-Lost fans into true Lost fans, but the analogy would fail somewhere, so I won't try. I'll just assume that it's easier to become gay-supporting/affirming, than it is to undertand LOST!

I once heard from a GLAAD staff member (and have referred to it in the blog) about the "moveable middle." I was asked what that is, and how I got past that, coming to understand (and advocate for) gay people. But how can I describe how I made that change?

Yesterday, I sat thinking about that when a new reader wrote:

I have read, Goodbye I Love You, twice and Mel White's book twice and I still don't get it...but I want to. I want to understand. In addition to these books I have read about every other book written by gay persons that I could find. I realize that one does not need to understand something, either a person or a concept to be accepting of that right to exist within the confines of that situation. But.....I still don't get it. I am still struggling, still trying....

Acknowledging that it's not easy to change, this reader is sharing that she's genuinely TRYING to learn and understand. Reading material, talking to others who are affirming, and writing to bloggers (like me) whom she doesn't know - those things all show honest determination to "get it." Being honest enough to say, "I want to understand," will go far to help this person grow, change, and become accepting of the sexual orientation of others.

I talked to my daughter about it, and she's the one who came up with this, a very simple explanation: "There's no difference." Isn't that genius? Of course it is, because Liz is smart, insightful, and inclusive (and I love her for those and so many other reasons!).

I remembered back to an e-mail that I got from Kathy, another straight spouse of a gay man. Kathy was so helpful to me, even though we have never met, even yet, face-to-face. I found her profile on the yahoo group, Wives of gay/bi husbands, and it stood out to me because she had been married a long time (over 30 years) when her husband came out to her. The two of us exchanged several e-mails, and even though I can't find the original story she shared, I will paraphrase it here:

...Imagine if you were stranded on a desert island, occupied with only other women like yourself. Years pass, and there are no men around. After a long, long time, you become close with a woman who is your best friend. The two of you gradually spend exclusive time together, build a hut, gather food, grow a garden, and fish for your meals. For warmth you sleep together, and sometimes there are intimacies shared. After all, you are closer to this woman than any other, and you love each other like family. The two of you are committed, 100%, and you expect to spend your entire lives together.

Then, one day when you are looking for food on the island, you come across another village, and much to your surprise, it is filled with only MEN! As you approach the top of a hill, you crawl to the top and "spy" down to this wondrous sight! Men! Men, men, men, men, men! Your imagination goes wild! How you miss MEN! Then you think...oh, no, what about your partner? You better go back...

...For days it is all you can think about: Oh, if only you could get close enough to see them closer, maybe talk to one. What if I could smell what a man smells like! What if I could touch one! And you know that if you could, you would.

So, what do you do with your woman partner? How is it that these men have probably been there as long as you and your group of women? And how could you possibly have settled for partnering with a woman, when all of your being, all of your soul, only, ever wanted to be with ... a MAN?

My story probably isn't as detailed as the e-mail that Kathy sent me over 5 years ago, but it helped me see that what someone is truly attracted to doesn't change. Just like I would be the spy on the men, so would a gay person who "settled" into a straight marriage.

Most times, analogies break down, yet there are many that you can draw from, and some of them might help bring insight into understanding sexual orientation that is different from one's own.

If you are a straight person who is trying to understand gay attractions, imagine all the attractions you have to the opposite sex in general: the way they move, the smells that are so sensual and GOOD, sounds of their voices, how they sound when they laugh. Whether they are smooth or rough, tall, short, slim or plump, however they feel when you touch them - how they think, walk, or smile - ALL these things make up attraction. And for gay people, it is JUST THE SAME. No difference! Try to wrap your head around that, and it's not so hard.

Wishes...

2010-01-31T11:28:00.004-05:00

Wish I could paint a brighter picture for people in mixed-orientation marriages.

Wish there was an easy-to-follow plan when you have to re-make your life

Wish I could wave a wand and make people see that gay isn't a choice.

Wishing for life before I knew.

Wish people could accept one another without prejudice. Myself included.

Wish I could get over being judgmental.

Wish I could write a post about finding a new Mr. Right.

Wish I could just FIND a new Mr. Right.

Wish for equal rights for all.

Wish my dad could live without hurting, forever. And since it's wishing, I wish my mom was still here. And that I could talk to her.

Wish church felt good.

Wish cynicism was not so easy to slip into.

Wish for the "olden days," without all the bad parts, just like in the email forwards. (hmmm...isn't it interesting that the nostaligic forwards sentimentalize the past?)

Now, I realize and know that if we were all accepting of each other, we wouldn't need to convince anyone to any new ideas. I know that struggling to change others is an ongoing movement, and that it would be boring if we were all the same. yada - yada. But I can wish anyway.

Meanwhile - I got a new grandbaby yesterday! My daughter, Liz, gave birth to a beautiful little girl! And I'm off to see her again at the hospital.

Forgiveness

2010-01-19T08:38:00.005-05:00

I just watched a segment on the Today Show, and it was about forgiveness. A divorced woman, Victoria Rosner, who'd been left by her husband while she was pregnant, and later she allowed this man back into the life of her son. At the time, this father had been diagnosed with cancer, and was asking to be involved with his young son. Victoria tells her story in the New York Times. Victoria details the anguish she felt, but in the end, she allowed the dad to be involved and participate in their son's life, even though there was pain involved. She allowed forgiveness to prevail.

My question is this: Why does it seem so difficult to forgive? And what negatives or positives go hand in hand with forgiving? How does this apply to situations of mixed-orientation marriage?

First: Why is it difficult to forgive?

When a spouse comes out, it hurts us, really causing heartache and trouble in our lives, and we have legitimate gripes. Many of us know how heartbreaking it is to realize life can't go forward the way we planned it. We are at risk of loosing our family, our status, our incomes, not to mention the loves of our lives. It feels like we'll never get over it - after all, we've been wronged. When that someone is one we've loved and trusted, it aches in physical and emotional ways. All these things can give us justification to hold on to how we've been wronged.

Often, gay people live double lives. For the straight spouse, this might be the most devastating realization of all. Whether this is known for a long time or a short time, it damages trust and feels like nothing is real, or has been real. The details of the actions of the gay spouse cause real damage to the spouse, the family/children, and often in financial ways. Ongoing problems are often the most difficult to forgive.

Many of us, as church-attending, faithful Christians, have grown up and matured to think and believe that being gay is a sin. This belief is as much cultural as it is religious. However, professional organizations have drawn the conclusion that being gay is NOT a mental disorder, nor is it something that can change through various therapy, prayer, or any kind of effort. If we look honestly at those who are gay, we have to know that they didn't choose their sexual orientation, that they cannot be other than who they are, and it is impossible to hold it against them. (I often say that the Bible is a book to guide our lives, but it is not a sex manual.)

Positives/Negatives

One reaction is to hold it all inside. Many straight spouses go into the closet when a gay spouse comes out. (Read Amity Pierce Buxton's, "The Other Side of the Closet.") It can be isolating to live alone with this truth: My spouse is gay! What am I going to do?

Bitterness can consume us. We can talk up the situation with friends, re-hashing how bad the actions were on the part of the "wronger." Sometimes it might feel great to make ourselves the center of attention, joking at the actions of someone who behaved poorly. At church, for example, how easy it would be to point to the actions of someone who walked away, turned their back, or acted selfishly? And, it can be, in a strange way, comforting to have sympathy from others.

But what happens, and how would that feel when the friends take off, and you have to live with no one but yourself to re-hash? Which member of our families would be better off if we behave that way? What good would be served? Does it really pump your ego to frame the "ex" in a bad light? Will it help make him or her a better person? Ask yourself: Will it make ME a better person? Would it be worth the brief inflation of your own ego? I'd say, "no."

The right thing to do...

Victoria Rosner had to decide whether to allow her young son to connect with his father, after he behaved badly and had had no part in his life for the first two years of the boy's life. She consulted with many people in her circle of acquaintances:

I queried friends, relations, professionals: What would you do? The responses were mixed. A friend said: “How could you let him back after what he did? He doesn’t deserve to know his son.” My mother said, “How can you refuse what might turn out to be a last wish?” And my therapist just said, “You’ll know the right thing to do.”

She knew the right thing to do, and she permitted the father and son to be part of each others' lives. Sadly, the father passed away, and there was even more to deal with: how a pre-schooler deals with loosing his Daddy. Sad, all the way around.

For so many straight spouses, you have been "done wrong." Perhaps you always knew something was amiss. Perhaps you even knew before you were married that your spouse was same-sex-attracted. But so often, one doesn't know, and things happen that are damaging to the relationship - you have every right to leave the marriage. Then again, maybe it's just that the gay spouse needs to leave the marriage, even though they have never engaged in relations or a relationship outside the marriage. In any case, you are the recipient of negative feelings, and you need to forgive him or her of the real, damaging, hurtful wrongs done to you. I understand how you feel.

I get a lot of questions because I have forgiven my ex-husband. In a way, I didn't even have to forgive him because I chose to understand. Even so, I decided early on to NOT hold it against him that our marriage was to end. I decided early on to NOT implicate him as responsible, because he did not choose to be gay. So, I forgave him for what? For being honest? Or for not telling me sooner? Yes, for all that, and more, which I had to give up: an intact family, a life-partner, status at church and in our community. Income. His company day-to-day. ALL that changed, and I forgave him.

I now benefit from a free conscience and relief of not carrying with me the heaviness of being a victim. I benefit by being able to hold my head up and talk openly about my situation, but without vengeance. I benefit with an ongoing, healthy relationship with my ex, and I don't blame him for our break-up. With forgiveness I can go forward, hoping that I've done the best I can with a difficult situation. I think forgiveness is worth that kind of living. I recommend it.

Notice added on how I use statements, comments, and e-mails

2009-12-30T10:40:00.000-05:00

Because of the nature of this blog, I find it important and interesting to have open comments and sharing of personal stories. Anonymous commenters are allowed in most situations. I will allow no disrespect (in my opinion) of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer people on behalf of sexual orientation or identity.

Please note that I welcome all comments and personal e-mails. Some comments will not be posted, based on my personal discretion. However, I reserve the right to include your comments and relevant portions of personal e-mails and messages to me, as content of this blog, or wherever their use can best be afforded.

I will never reveal personal identities without your permission (name, location, specific employer, etc.)

This statement in no way serves as a legally binding statement. This blog is public, and it's on the internet. If you write on the internet, you are automatically giving me your permission to use what you write.

Jemma Thomas - her support of Gareth

2009-12-21T23:38:00.003-05:00

Another reader sent me a related link tonight concerning Jemma Thomas. She is the soon-to-be-ex-wife of Gareth Thomas. Gareth Thomas has just come out as gay, and the article here details the support and love that Jemma has shown. I commend her totally, and hope you will read all of the article.

Strikingly positive, Jemma shows immense love and understanding, and I stand with her in this very public time. Here's my favorite quote from the article:

'He will always love me, but he cannot turn himself into a heterosexual. If he could, I would still be married to him. We will always be the best of friends and I couldn't feel prouder of him than I do now.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1237397/When-Gareth-told-gay-man-I-loved-died.html#ixzz0aOBeDTOP

What a beautiful woman, inside and out. Bless you, Jemma!

(hat tip to Mark! Thanks for the link.)

Gareth Thomas, gay Welsh rugby player, comes out, and he had a wife, too

2009-12-19T23:03:00.006-05:00

A blog-reader, Tim, wrote today to share with me the story/news article about Welsh rugby legend, Gareth Thomas, who just recently has come out publicly as a gay man. Although he had thought he could hide his sexuality, he said this:

"I became a master of disguise and could play the straight man down to a tee, sometimes over-compensating by getting into fights or being overly aggressive because I didn't want the real me to be found out. But when you withdraw into yourself you start to feel lonely, upset, ashamed."

Thomas, according to CNN, was married to his high school sweetheart, but they separated after a few years of marriage. No details were given, but perhaps his being gay entered the picture. I have no idea how much hurt this caused each of them, but Thomas sounds like a decent guy, one who tried unsuccessfully to squelch his true orientation. I wish my arms could reach out to hug them both, and let them know that others care.

Gareth Thomas speaks out now through his fame, and he's doing the brave, but difficult thing. This quote, from www.guardian.co.uk speaks of his family's support:

"I don't know if my life is going to be easier because I'm out but, if it helps someone else, if it makes one young lad pick up the phone to ChildLine, then it will have been worth it. My parents, my family and my friends all love me and accept me for who I am and, even if the public are upset by this, I know the love of those people who mean the most to me will never change."

When I hear of any mixed-orientation couple, I ache. It's not easy when you have to figure out what to do once the reality of the situation is revealed. Others don't "get it," or, if they do, they don't have to live through it. Not only does it hurt each person in the relationship, it lasts such a long time to get over the insecurity and damage to one's confidence.

For the straight spouse, you ask yourself a million questions, like, "Why didn't I know?" and "Was the love real?" I know I went through so many emotions and questions. To see where I am now, I get absolutely surprised at the "ah-ha" moments of clarity that I've come to. Sometimes it seems like life will never be the same (It won't.) or that it won't ever get any better (It WILL).

Not being very familiar with rugby, I can't guage the impact of Mr. Thomas's coming-out. Being a major star, coming out as gay is a big deal no matter what sport it is. Thomas's recent reveal should and will bring attention to him and to his sport, and to his former wife, there will be fall-out. I hope there will be support for her in this time of change. Like I've said before in times like this, my heart goes out to her.

(Support group for straight spouses: http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php)

Warm greetings for Christmas

2009-12-10T08:54:00.003-05:00

Winter has come to Indiana! After fairly mild temps for all of November and up until now, the thermometer is in the teens, and with wind factored, it is way, way cold. Brrr...! A friend said to me yesterday that he could NEVER get into Christmas in Florida. Let me tell you, I have tried it in years past, and as long as family is there, it's really, really Christmas, no matter where you are.

Meanwhile, in spite of the cold weather, I've felt my heart warmed with greetings and conversations with supportive new friends. In the past days I have had a boatload to kindnesses shown to me. It shows me that there ARE supportive people in my world, and I am getting to know more of them as time goes by. Sometimes it feels that to be gay-affirming is like swimming upstream, but that is just because I might be in the wrong stream! REALLY, there are changes occurring, and as I'm more open, others are able to speak up. Here are a few of the most recent ones...

A co-worker of mine (and new friend) approached me, and even though she had written to me months ago, her friendliness and support felt so warm and good in person. She later wrote this in an e-mail:

Thank you for taking the time to talk yesterday - the good thing about our situations in some ways is that we know who our friends are...and we have a chance to make new ones.

A pastor from North Carolina wrote, having just found out "the news" that Ray's gay. Having enjoyed Ray's music in past years, he had to catch up with the current situation, and he came to this blog. Being loving and complimentary, he sees what our family has gone through. I appreciate this man's insight and the pastoral comfort he shared.

Another e-mail came from a "straight middle age couple who grew up in the Southern Baptist tradition", who now are involved with, "Holy Spirit, a progressive Episcopal church that reaches the gay & lesbian community," - and they find this very meaningful. He said, "Thank you...for loving God and listening to the nudges of the Holy Spirit, no matter how difficult."

Not only are these messages welcome, but they make me feel good! I so appreciate it that there are readers out there for whom this little blog helps THEM. I continue to be hopeful that change is coming, even one at a time. I know it's true, because others tell me so.

And during this upcoming family time, for Christmas, let's keep hoping for loving change. We all want to be ones who love even the straight ones, don't we? If there's someone in your family who's shown you grace and love, let them know how much it helps you.

re-building broken faith

2009-12-02T09:45:00.002-05:00

(hat tip to Peterson)

When I was young, in college, I was totally involved in the Jesus Movement. I was so happy to find other friends who believed TOTALLY in Jesus like I did. I got involved through those friends with a group known either as the Glory Barn or Faith Assembly (of near North Webster, Indiana). (Both titles are sometimes interchanged, but are actually separate groups with the same people in each one. I know that is confusing, but it verifies that I know what I'm talking about.)

What did I believe? Specifically, I want to share what I understood about communication between myself and God.

To start, I believed that God would speak to me, personally. Sometimes it occurred through the Bible. While reading ancient texts, I received personal messages that I accepted for my daily "walk." I also believed that God could speak to me through other people, as they "heard in their spirit" what God was leading - through personal "prophecy," or intuitive leanings. And most personally, I believed that if I prayed, God would lead me. I always knew that God would speak, if I listened, and answer my prayers. And once, I even knew that God told me, "You belong together," and I heard this in a real, audible voice.

Who was God speaking about? Well, I was praying about the love that had grown between me and a very special young man. I didn't want to keep building up my hopes for a future with him, if, in fact, it wasn't God's will that we should marry. And in my simple faith, I heard that voice. I always told others, because it was a great story, that I looked up through the leaves of a tree outside my window, and as the moonlight streamed in, all around me, I heard it. And I knew it was not the voice of either a man or a woman, but a strong, yet gentle, clear, voice from heaven. I knew I had a message of direction.

That was in July of 1974, and Ray and I were married in March of 1975.

For nearly 30 years I never doubted either the love or the direction that our lives had taken. And then Ray told me that he was gay. I've shared so much of that story, but I have not been able to share how much that affected my faith.

How do you deal with it when you realize that a cornerstone of your faith is shattered? I've said before that no word can describe how that felt. Not only was I doubting the love I'd always felt, but my very faith didn't even make sense. I'd heard God speak! I'd been taught that God never changes! I've been faithful to God, and I'd been taught that if you live for God, God honors that!

I went in mental circles trying to reason it out. For months I couldn't concentrate, and I even had trouble praying. Nothing added up any more to make a whole anything. And now, we were no longer going to be together! Didn't I always know that God had led me, led us? Not only was I having to face that it was better for Ray to leave, but the center of how I'd known God to lead me, was now broken. How could I possibly, ever, pray or believe? How could I possibly, ever, love?

How?

Was it possible?

To Believe?

It was in my mind that I should run away. I tried to keep steady in day-to-day life. I had a lot of responsibilities, and I kept putting one thing ahead of me at a time. I was constantly re-organizing my self-concept, my beliefs, my view of how the world worked, and how God was or was not there for me in this troubled time. It took time - and I had help by things other people had written, said, and a very few, a small handful of friends.

And gradually I learned that I still had Ray. He had not changed, but he was finally open and honest with who he was and how God made him to be. In all, our love has not changed, and I thank Ray for that. Even though we divorced, I'd never have made it this far if it was not for him.

And I also couldn't get away from my faith in God. Despite a broken heart, a lost marriage, and the changes in EVERYTHING about my life, I still knew that for some reason, God really had spoken to me all those years ago, when I heard: You belong together. No, it's not the same, and it surely isn't what I expected when I first heard those words, but there's a purpose in what I do now. My faith is changed, and how I understand God's direction. I've been through the worst, and, thankfully, I still believe. There's been no damage just because I have questioned God. God is still leading and I'm re-building my faith.

When I watched this video that I found on Peterson Toscano's blog, I knew I wanted to share it. I've been where this composer wrote from, and from where the character sings...

the Boltz family is no different (well, just a little) - edited version

2009-11-20T21:48:00.000-05:00

(This post needed to be removed, since it was posted while I was deluded. My kids were right, and I needed to back out of what I posted.)

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

One more note:

This weekend I am attending the Anti-Heterosexism Conference in West Palm Beach, Florida. Sponsored by several activist groups (Soulforce, Truth Wins Out, National Black Justice Coalition, Box Turtle Bulletin, Beyond Ex-gay, and Equality Florida,), I am pleased to be getting together with friends and fellow outspoken individuals who are learning more about how to make a difference in our families, places of work and livelihood, as well as our communities at large. IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, come out to West Palm Beach for this event! We are working to do the following:

• challenge heterosexist attitudes that exist on personal, interpersonal, institutional and cultural levels.
• speak out publicly against the dangers of reparative therapy, ex-gay ministries, and other "conversion" efforts.
• build community to advocate for LGBTQ people and support them in leading successful, happy, and productive lives.

There is still time! Register at the event if necessary! Be there to enjoy the speakers and the community that is working to come closer to to ending heterosexism.

Questions from "Anonymous" named Justin: Scriptural justification, and would I support gays if it wasn't for Ray?

2009-11-16T13:16:00.004-05:00

From Justin, I was asked a couple of questions, which I have tried to answer.

1) How do you justify homosexuality in scripture?

Where to start? Your question assumes that one needs to justify being gay. You are asking me, I assume, from a legalistic or fundamentalist viewpoint that assumes that the Christian Bible has answers to all questions. Although I believe that the Bible can help us in all situations, it is not a sex manual nor a science book. When we watch programs on the Discovery Channel, we learn things that have been discovered, among other things, about plants, animals, health, and humans. Watching the History Channel gives us perspectives that range from archaeology to recent history - and neither of these resources give answers to all the information available to us, and the vast knowledge available continues to grow.

The FACT is that somewhat less than 10% of the population identifies themselves as gay/bisexual/transgender. There is no need or obligation to justify this existence. You don’t have to justify other variations in human performance, like being a gifted gymnast or athlete. In the same way, there appear to be creative and artistic abilities shown among gay people, and the public gets the benefit of this. We don’t reject the art because of someone’s sexual orientation, neither do we justify the quality of art in any way because of whether or not someone is gay or straight.

On the other hand, we have variations that we consider handicaps, illnesses, and disease. While I in no way liken these to being gay, the variations in our society show value in the diversity of the human condition. In the same way, I don’t feel the need to justify the reality that some giftedness is borne out of tragedy, as when a special needs child shows affection and love in ways that are inexplicable and valued. While there may be spiritual principles evident in those values, it is not specifically a “scriptural” justification of the condition.

In the current times it isn’t necessary to justify one’s near- or far-sightedness, or whether one writes with the right or left hand. In the Bible, lefties were forbidden. As recently as when I was a child, teachers tried to eliminate left-handedness in other kids who preferred to write with their left hand. Right-handedness was insisted upon! Variation was discouraged and sometimes punished. In the same regard, whether someone is gay or straight, and whether they are self-accepting or not, they remain with the orientation that they are born with. Yes, there are bisexuals, too, and some people are more fluid in their sexual preferences. But with the acceptance of many “givens” that have no relationship to sin, morality, or one’s goodness or badness, we have learned to accept difference in the make-up of individuals. This perspective helped me to understand part of the truth about what it means to have something a “given” about oneself, that you don’t choose, and that doesn’t really change.

With that tangent being expressed, I will go back to your original question. What about the Bible? What verses do I use to “justify” homosexuality. Most of all, I use this one:

"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other." John 13:34-35 from "The Message" version of The Bible.

I see that verse as one of the most important reasons to love ALL people - to at least TRY to follow the commands of Christ.

#1 - I usually refer those who are looking for Biblical answers to the booklet published by Soulforce, written by Mel White: http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible

I often say that I am not a theologian, and that I don’t want debate. I do accept people who in this day and age say, “I’m gay. I didn’t choose to be a minority. I’ve tried and done everything there is to be straight, but I’m still gay.” And from the love I’ve known through my former husband as well as friends that I’ve met, I believe them. How tragic is it to try throughout one’s life to be someone you’re not destined to be? And how tragic is it that our society tries to inflict the heterosexist majority on those for whom this is impossible?

#2 - I believe firmly that in Bible times there have been romantically-linked couples whose stories are recorded. These people are right before our eyes, but our culture has refused to recognize or give credence to their sexual orientations. These stories are shown in 1 Samuel 18, telling that Jonathan and David were more than the “close friends,” that we were taught in Sunday School. Whether you choose to accept this is up to you, but I see evidence of this love “greater than love for women” as romantic and committed. An MCC minister has written a book referencing these relationships in the following: The Children are Free, by Jeff Miner.

If you wish to read further, I recommend his book.

Now for your 2nd question: Would you have ever supported homosexuals if Ray had never came out?

I wrote to a facebook friend of a friend who asked me the same question, and I’ll copy it here: http://myheartgoesout-carol.blogspot.com/2009/05/letter-to.html

Soulforce Regrets to Announce the Resignation of its Executive Director

2009-11-11T08:27:00.006-05:00

The following e-mail announcement was made yesterday, November 10, 2009. I will miss Jeff Lutes as the executive director of Soulforce, and welcome the interim (and acting executive director) successor. That person is Bill Carpenter, who has a long history with Soulforce and equal rights activism among Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender/Queer/Questioning folk.

I want to thank Jeff publicly for being an example of love, faith, and family, as he has worked to share with the religious people the truth about being gay and Christian. His leadership and generous live is obvious, and I commend him for all that he's done.

Many heartfelt thanks to Jeff for his service to Soulforce.

Soulforce Regrets to Announce the Resignation of Our Executive Director
Brief Video of Jeff Lutes

A Message from Soulforce Co-Founder Mel White:

Soulforce regrets to announce the resignation of our Executive Director, Jeff Lutes, after nearly four years of dedicated service. Jeff has chosen at this time to return to his family counseling practice in Austin, Texas, and to spend more quality time with his husband, Gary Stein, and their three young children, Niko, Trei, and Jole'. You may stay in touch with Jeff at www.jefflutespsychotherapy.com.

The Soulforce board of directors has appointed Bill Carpenter, who has served as Director of National Actions for many years, as Interim Executive Director. Bill will work with Soulforce staff to continue operations of the organization, including the upcoming Equality Ride in early 2010. Bill has a long history of service to Soulforce, since our very first action in Lynchburg, Virginia in 1999, and I'm grateful to him for taking this role at an important time in Soulforce history. I believe he is uniquely qualified to serve as Interim Executive Director while we undertake a nationwide search for the next Executive Director of Soulforce.

In January 2006, Jeff succeeded me as Executive Director of Soulforce. We are grateful for all he has accomplished in his time as Soulforce Executive Director. Here are a few examples:

* Organized nonviolent direct actions in 2005 and 2006 outside the world headquarters of Focus on the Family. Those protests clearly demonstrated the tragic consequences of James Dobson and his antigay rhetoric and are featured in the films For The Bible Tells Me So and SoleJourney, both distributed by First Run Features.
* Originated the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference in 2007 which exposed the misinformation campaign of Exodus International and spoke clearly to the damage being done by its ex-gay ministries across the country. The conference brought 200 survivors of ex-gay ministries together from all around the world for healing and empowerment. This much needed event received coverage on NPR and media outlets across the country, including CNN's Paula Zahn.
* Created The American Family Outing in 2008 which took dozens of LGBT couples and their children to dialogue with mega-church leaders Rick Warren, Joel Osteen, Bill Hybels, Bishop T.D. Jakes, Bishop Harry Jackson, and Bishop Eddie Long.
* Originated Seven Straight Nights for Equal Rights which created rallies and vigils in 2007 and 2008 by heterosexual allies in 38 cities in 28 different states across the country.
* Wrote the popular Soulforce booklets What the Science Says - And Doesn't Say - About Homosexuality, and A False Focus on My Family.
* Produced Dear Dr. Dobson: An Open Letter Video , the DVD that challenges the antigay rhetoric of James Dobson and warns of its tragic consequences in the lives of LGBT people, their friends and families.
* Managed Soulforce during the birth of our young adults program, Soulforce Q, and the first three Equality Rides.
* Strengthened the reputation of Soulforce through countless print, radio and television interviews and by speaking at dozens of churches, universities and rallies around the country.

Jeff Lutes has led Soulforce through challenging times and we are grateful. Jeff will continue to write and speak powerfully about the role of relentless nonviolent resistance in our struggle against religion-based oppression. Again, we thank Jeff for his role in strengthening Soulforce and for modeling in his own life what it means to be a man of faith committed to doing justice on behalf of all those who suffer religion-based oppression.

- Mel White, Soulforce Co-Founder
November, 2009

Brief Video of Jeff Lutes

a welcome, positive change of heart from an old friend

2009-10-28T08:25:00.003-04:00

I have been slow to post lately, but even some of my family think I'm way to pre-occupied with "other things." I just need to work really hard to catch up with e-mails and do a blog entry so that you all don't forget me!

Yesterday I got a very welcome facebook message, from a friend I used to attend church with. She and I ended up talking on the phone, and she gave me permission to share her e-mail. Not only was she involved in a cultish church that I also attended (35 years ago), but she also unknowingly married a gay man (and she is straight). Fortunately she is getting the support she needs these days, and her message really was a lift to me when I got it. I will use it here:

Hi Carol,

I am not sure if you remember me. I use to go to GFT. I am [someone I know's] oldest daughter. I got caught up in the craziness of Ferris Miller's group and have been putting my life back together. It has been an interesting and humbling journey. My world view has radically changed on almost ever subject. I am currently enrolled in college with the long term goal to go into the mental health field specializing in trauma. I have have been networking with the International Cultic Studies Association and started working on a book about my own journey into a biblical base cult and recovery called, Stepping through the looking glass; a survivors guide to understanding cults, domestic violence and other adverse environments. My priest lent me a book that helped me totally change my view on the issues individuals who are gay face.( When I go to church, which is rare I go to an Episcopalian church. I like the fact everyone is welcome and people can be openly who they are.) I would like to volunteer some time to an organization that is an advocacy or support to those facing the challenges society forces them to deal with when a person is gay. I do not have the idea of love the sinner not the sin. I simply have the idea of love...love every one. My former husband is gay but is a very homophobic about his orientation. His own struggles was a component of the abuse I faced. I am heart broken [former husband's name] could never be honest about his own struggle in a judgment free environment. Miller's solutions only made everything worse. Right now I am recovering from abuse issues from domestic violence so volunteering in that area is too close to home. However, I do want to do something for someone else. I read the article of Ray's coming out. It was a beautiful testament to your love and compassion. After years of being in Ferris's group I did not think there were people who actually loved and cared they way you and your family does. The article did a great deal towards restoring something in my own life. Thank you for your courage in allowing a very personal story to be told so publicly. I have seen the hate that so many in the church can be a part of and witnessed first hands the abuse of religion. I am just one person putting my life together who would like to extent any kind of help to a cause that is helping others live a meaningful exsistance. If you could make any recommendations I would appreciate it . I heard that you are involved in some organizations and was hoping you could make some suggestions.Thank you for taking a moment to read my email. I look foreword to hearing back from you. You, Ray and your family are in my thoughts often. I respect and admire all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This is the kind of change that really IS possible! Thanks for sharing :)

Some say that Christians don't really hate gay people. What do you think?

2009-09-15T15:27:00.003-04:00

I don't make it up. They really are mean. Here's a sample from earlier this week. Just saying...

From: James *******
Email: r***********@gmail.com

Comments: Ray,

You should get a gun and shot yourself in the head. Its sick people like you who really need to read the word of God. You should also give back the Dove Awards because you dont deserve the accolades of success.

____________________________________________________________________________________

From: IHMS
Email: ************@hotmail.com

Comments: I will be praying for you, but until you come to the knowledge of the truth, I will as a matter of principle get rid of all your music.

Christian Author

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: John ********
Email: **************@yahoo.com

Comments: I am so ashamed of you, not as an artist, because most artists are not good representatvies of Jesus Christ anyways, but as a well known Christian. You cannot look at homosexuality in light of the Bible and say that it is not sin. In Romans and Corinthians, it is mentioned as sin, and is listed as an abomination worth destroying cities in the Old Testament.
I understand if you have a problem, but I believe that you know the difference. Just because a person is addicted to drugs, doesn\'t mean that it is ok. If you\'re addicted to homosexuality, then you need spiritual help. You have done more to destroy Moral values in Christianity than any other person that I have ever heard or seen. For someone to sing the great songs that you sung in the 80\'s and 90\'s, and now to be an open homosexual is a slap in the face to the one that died for you. I am praying that you will repent, and may God have mercy on you.

____________________________________________________________________________________

From: K M
Email: **************@aol.com

Comments: RAY,
YOU can rationalize all you want about coming out. But, in the end it affect\'s your wife, your children, your mother , your father. Let me know how your family is in 10 years by the decision you made today. Love in Christ, KM

One year since Ray came out

2009-09-13T11:21:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I realized it had been one year to the day since Ray came out publicly. What a year it's been. First off, there was one after another supportive e-mails to the website. That was within the first few hours. Then the FLOOD of, "I can't believe it...", "I'm so disappointed...", and, "How could Ray have chosen the gay lifestyle...?". I began to make some folders for the different responses. These folders were 1) Supportive, 2) Non-supportive, 3) Oddly supportive. Sub-folders under the non-supportive ones were a) Stupid, and b) Downright mean. I have 1000s of each type, and I keep getting them all the time.

But what are the real, personal changes that have occurred since LAST Sept. 12?

For one, I could finally walk in the open! I was no longer closeted! I always had felt I did nothing to be ashamed of, and I could now hold my head high and not worry about what people knew or didn't know. If I wanted to, I could be open about my life and my family (including Ray, if it was pertinent).

Two, I started being open online. I started this blog. And through the blog, I began to make contacts with other wives, ex-wives, husbands and ex-husbands, who knew FIRST-HAND what it was like to have a GLBT spouse. I often hear from both sides, and I sympathize with them all. Many married in hope that they would be "healed" or "fixed" from gay feelings, along with real love for their spouses, only to realize sooner or later that they were still gay. Lives, entwined with family obligations, became tangled and hurt. It's amazing how these online connections not only help to know, "I'm not alone," for us all, but how widespread mixed-orientation marriages really are.

Thirdly, I am now an outspoken advocate for gay rights. I don't have to be a silent partner in the work to end religious discrimination against GLBTQs. Outside of the religious network of churches, there really is a growing acceptance of gay people, and so work within our churches is essential. I want to be able to continue speaking up on behalf of ALL gay folk, and I do not have anything to apologize for.

When I make new friends these days, they know within a short while of knowing me, that I'm supportive and affirming of ALL gay people. If they don't agree or can't see it like I do, then they have to decide if I'm still worth their friendship. I'm making new friends these days, and if they aren't at the very least WELCOMING of GLBTs, then they probably won't be in my close circle of friends. My life can't be closed off any more, and I won't be silent.

Also, my kids now have the freedom to mention their dad, and they do, without shame. They can openly be proud of their dad and all he's done and who he is: Their DAD! They don't have to make excuses, and can speak up as being the close family that they are. No secrets keep them hemming and hawing about anything. They love and respect their dad, and are not restricted by trying to cover up any part of their lives.

All together, I think it is generally known how I feel. 'Nuff sed.

Today I heard from another straight wife, who found out earlier this year that her husband has been secretly sexually active with other men for the past 4 years. My heart aches for her and what she's enduring. To make it all worse, she was court-ordered to keep silent. That means she can't talk with her grown sons, her divorce-care group, or her friends. I don't even know if that is legal! How awful to have to bear this with a "gag order" imposed that puts her into the dark, silent closet. What a wrong thing, even if it's legal. There's healing in honesty, and this woman needs to be able to openly say what she needs to say, in order to begin her healing. She hopes to someday be openly affirming as well. Kudos to her!

Openness and honesty is freeing, and it's life-changing when we have information that makes such a difference. For me, being out of the closet is much better. My life is worth sharing, ALL of it. I'm who I am. Ray's who he is. My kids have a gay dad - that's that!

It's been a big year for the Boltz family! Yeah for being OUT!

Gay Straight Alliance forming in small town

2009-09-12T07:45:00.004-04:00

In many midwestern towns, there is often no accepting, much less affirming group for GLBT-Q kids to socialize and feel that they belong. Gay Straight Alliance is just such a group. In my neighboring county (Jay Co.) several of my friends have become visibly supportive of a group of students who want to start a GSA of their own. I'm SO enthused and thrilled that these young people are trying to affect others and open the hearts and minds of their fellow students.

Unfortunately, it's causing a rumble throughout the community, and my friends are being vilified for their efforts. My friends, Tim and Cindy Morris, are wonderful folks, as well as their daughter, Emily. This family is basically my first and only local, long-time friends, and support, and for over two years have been enduring rejection from THEIR church (The Rock) and community. (Fortunately they found another welcoming church, in which they are very pleased and involved.)

Tim has a blog, and he's on facebook. He gets "hate mail," and he keeps pushing forward in spite of it. It's not been their history to be the "bad guys" in the neighborhood, and this lack of understanding, as well as the messages can be wearing.

If you will, can you read Tim's blog, and maybe drop him a note of encouragement? These friends are the best, and I know many of my readers would like to send out good vibes Tim and Cindy's way. Thanks!

Ally and Advocate for Gay rights: Changing the World

2009-08-17T10:50:00.007-04:00

I want to address exactly why I am involved with gay rights, and specifically with Soulforce. I've been questioned directly through e-mails, criticized in some blogs, and even wondered at by my brother-in-law. He just doesn't understand how I can be supportive of gay rights, when "they" have such "sinful ways," as well as the hurt I have been through. Why wouldn't I be against gay rights? I want to give some answers.

First of all, I do NOT hold to the idea that being gay is a sin. It is a sexual orientation, a preference for emotional and physical intimacy. Being gay is not a choice, and like everyone, we should all be thankful for our gifts and God-given origins.

There is so much discrimination against GLBTQs, and most of it is based on religion. As a Christian, I believe that Jesus showed us how to love others as we love ourselves, and I think that should include loving those who have been rejected by our churches. He said, "By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you have love one toward another." I believe in practicing that, and I DO have to practice over and over, because I sometimes (often) fail. Still it is my goal to show and live in the spirit of love.

Since I believe in loving others, it is only natural that I stand up with those who are also standing, and some might not even be able to stand. I'm standing for them until they can stand up too.

And then there is the very personal side...Having been married for over 30 years to Ray, I had a very loving and happy life. Some have even called it a "fairy tale," but it surely was a rags-to-riches story of Horatio Alger proportions. Ray wrote songs that were loved by others, yet the listeners never knew the heart of the writer. I loved that man, and he loved me as well as a gay man could. Ray was a good father, and he loved his kids. I never felt un-loved and I never was disrespected.

When Ray came out, it wasn't with a plan. He had not lived a double life, and the depression he was experiencing was nearly suicidal. As we talked in the days, weeks, and months following, the path did not show itself easily. I prayed for answers, but I knew Ray had prayed his entire life for a solution. It had not come, and as much as I prayed for "just THIS one" to be supernaturally changed from gay to straight, I realized that there was no good solution to the problem: Ray is gay, and I'm not. This I also knew: We had had a good life, and we loved each other.

Questions that I asked of God were rampant in those early times. Prayers were continual. Nightmares were awful. Often my thoughts swirled through my head wondering the purpose of it all - How could God, who knew Ray through and through, and knew ME through and through, have put us together for this to be the way we ended?

Finally, by connecting with blogs, books, and internet sites, I started to reach out to others who understood. I found Peterson, Christine Bakke, and I also found Soulforce. I read the "Letters to Dr. Dobson," and the story told by Mary Lou Wallner. I began to understand that gay folk are just the same as straights, and that the cause of gay rights was active and getting louder. My new friends were supportive, loving and a help to me! I wanted to get involved so that my voice could be heard, and my body would stand on the front lines for Equality for all!

In addition to realizing that there were untruths that had been told me in the church about gay people, I saw the exclusion and rejection that was prevalent in every church I'd ever gone to. I understood what it had been like for someone like Ray to be told they were un-saveable, unacceptable to God, and doomed for life as well as in death. What hope could they have? I changed, and I wanted to make changes. I wanted to be a voice to correct the lies that are told every day in fundamentalist churches.

These days, it is not for my rights that I participate with Soulforce. It is for the RIGHT thing to do! There are so many people, and I hear from them, who are in jobs that they could loose because it's still legal (in many states) to fire people who are openly gay/lesbian. Equal Rights don't exist for GLBTQs for marriage, adoption, or to protect them from hate crimes. There are mixed-orientation marriages taking place, where heartache is either evident or looming in the future. There are gay people who are in Christian churches (and other religious groups) being told that they can pray the gay away if they marry a good spouse. Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Trans/Queer and Questioning people are feeling self-hate and church rejection because of the untruths that are spread by way of the churches that they love. Suicides are happening because GLBTQs feel that they have no hope!

To END ALL THESE THINGS, I am an ally for change! To END ALL THESE THINGS, I am standing for the truth!

I've been questioned this way: Aren't you too defensive of Ray? If it hadn't been for Ray, would you have been standing up on behalf of gay rights? My answer is, "No. If it hadn't happened to someone I love, I would never have understood." (read here, where I address that question more thoroughly.)

So it is with a LOT of personal reasons I put myself in the middle of Equality Rights. I entered this without a plan myself, but I found myself having to grow and learn. These days I have one. I'm doing all I can to support those affected by the issues of GLBTQs as well as the families connected to them. I hope to be a voice of reason as well as a voice of love. I know I've had to change, and I hope I can change the world.

My heart goes out...

Standing on the right side of history - Hillary Clinton

Dad's big move - for the winter? for a while? for the best.

Teen Mania revisited - a mom's account.

a pretty good thing has happened...

Phillip Hinkle, Wayne Co., IN representative

Dad

Bring on the Light

Slipper mornings.

an e-mail from Brandon, and my reply

Your spouse just came out as gay . Now what do you do?

You really want to be my facebook friend? Here ya go...

Emens Auditorium

Swilley’s story: A gay pastor, his wife, and a deeper ministry

Deep thoughts from a shallow mind: It Gets Better

Personal update

Bible and changes - it happens!

Grandma's cross-stitch: Be happy and gay

Anne Rice and faith in Jesus Christ

Know-it-alls: narcisstic, ill-informed

I'm from Driftwood

Rummage Sale: canceled

Hillary Clinton: Gay rights are human rights, and human rights are gay rights.

Telling our stories: Jonathan, by Lisa

Sex, God's way (and you know it has to be missionary)

Sunday morning sermon topic: Marriage

Busy days of June

I'm losing patience

Gay Bill Offends Souder's "Moral Views" | News | Advocate.com

Boltz story carried in The New York Times

The ethics of re-selling books (ones I don't agree with)

Further questions about why I don't publish certain comments that I deem as hurtful

Ray Boltz's new blog

Some comments are out of line, and I won't publish them

Do gay men ever really change to heterosexual?

How can I promote Ray's new CD?

Ray's new CD: True - available on amazon.com

Tony Campolo: loving people who are gay

Reprint of Ray Boltz' original "coming out" article: "Key Changes" by Joey DiGuglielmo, Washington Blade, Sept. 12, 2008

Being out as an ally

Jennifer Knapp - coming out as a gay person. Oh, and she's Christian, too.

Soulforce announces new executive director: Rev. Dr. Cindi Love

constance mcmillen

"Too much for anyone..."

Watch the Lamb - song by Ray Boltz, video owned by Ray Boltz Music, Inc.

Susan Stanton, who was Steven, of Largo, Florida: Showing my affirmation to someone who is transgender

Boltz family maintains itself with love and spunk

Mississippi prom canceled rather than allowing gay couple to attend

What is owed the straight spouse?

Punching holes in the darkness - and a letter to my Life Group (Union Chapel/Commonway/Muncie, IN)

Helping those who were once were Christians...and now have lost hope

Carol Grever asks: What worked for you?

Don't it make my brown eyes blue?

Conclusions drawn after being married to a gay man

Post-Valentine's Day report

Those who try to understand

Wishes...

Forgiveness

Notice added on how I use statements, comments, and e-mails

More reader input 2010

Jemma Thomas - her support of Gareth

Gareth Thomas, gay Welsh rugby player, comes out, and he had a wife, too

Warm greetings for Christmas

re-building broken faith

the Boltz family is no different (well, just a little) - edited version

Questions from "Anonymous" named Justin: Scriptural justification, and would I support gays if it wasn't for Ray?

Soulforce Regrets to Announce the Resignation of its Executive Director

a welcome, positive change of heart from an old friend

Some say that Christians don't really hate gay people. What do you think?

One year since Ray came out

Gay Straight Alliance forming in small town

Ally and Advocate for Gay rights: Changing the World