a welcome, positive change of heart from an old friend

I have been slow to post lately, but even some of my family think I'm way to pre-occupied with "other things." I just need to work really hard to catch up with e-mails and do a blog entry so that you all don't forget me!

Yesterday I got a very welcome facebook message, from a friend I used to attend church with. She and I ended up talking on the phone, and she gave me permission to share her e-mail. Not only was she involved in a cultish church that I also attended (35 years ago), but she also unknowingly married a gay man (and she is straight). Fortunately she is getting the support she needs these days, and her message really was a lift to me when I got it. I will use it here:

Hi Carol,

I am not sure if you remember me. I use to go to GFT. I am [someone I know's] oldest daughter. I got caught up in the craziness of Ferris Miller's group and have been putting my life back together. It has been an interesting and humbling journey. My world view has radically changed on almost ever subject. I am currently enrolled in college with the long term goal to go into the mental health field specializing in trauma. I have have been networking with the International Cultic Studies Association and started working on a book about my own journey into a biblical base cult and recovery called, Stepping through the looking glass; a survivors guide to understanding cults, domestic violence and other adverse environments. My priest lent me a book that helped me totally change my view on the issues individuals who are gay face.( When I go to church, which is rare I go to an Episcopalian church. I like the fact everyone is welcome and people can be openly who they are.) I would like to volunteer some time to an organization that is an advocacy or support to those facing the challenges society forces them to deal with when a person is gay. I do not have the idea of love the sinner not the sin. I simply have the idea of love...love every one. My former husband is gay but is a very homophobic about his orientation. His own struggles was a component of the abuse I faced. I am heart broken [former husband's name] could never be honest about his own struggle in a judgment free environment. Miller's solutions only made everything worse. Right now I am recovering from abuse issues from domestic violence so volunteering in that area is too close to home. However, I do want to do something for someone else. I read the article of Ray's coming out. It was a beautiful testament to your love and compassion. After years of being in Ferris's group I did not think there were people who actually loved and cared they way you and your family does. The article did a great deal towards restoring something in my own life. Thank you for your courage in allowing a very personal story to be told so publicly. I have seen the hate that so many in the church can be a part of and witnessed first hands the abuse of religion. I am just one person putting my life together who would like to extent any kind of help to a cause that is helping others live a meaningful exsistance. If you could make any recommendations I would appreciate it . I heard that you are involved in some organizations and was hoping you could make some suggestions.Thank you for taking a moment to read my email. I look foreword to hearing back from you. You, Ray and your family are in my thoughts often. I respect and admire all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This is the kind of change that really IS possible! Thanks for sharing :)

"Ties that bind" - how the church hurts gay people

Christine Bakke posted notice of this tv show, In the Life. As I watched I cried for the gay friends that I've made in the past couple of years. Tears for the hurt from the fundamentalist churches, loss for the ones who have died at their own hands. No, I have not personally known anyone who has committed suicide, but I know someone who wanted to. That is no longer true, and I'm extremely thankful.

I told Christine that I will continue to do all I can, hoping to be a voice of hope for gay people and their straight spouses, for family members of GLBT people, and for the friends who are trying to listen.

Questions about the "gay lifestyle"

Someone wrote me and said this: There is a lot of things in the gay community that are prevalent, like pornography and multiple partners. Why is that, if it is okay? these are the questions I have.

Regarding porn, if truth be told, there are many people who accept and view porn, both gay and straight alike. I don't believe our access to this is a selling point, but I'm stating that it's there and people view it. And straight people have no monopoly on multiple partners - just watch Friends re-runs. While the media shows some parts of gay life, and while some of it is valid, not ALL of it is. I have some opinions about this, and part of the problem is because of the churches in general.

First, I think that sexual orientation is somehow pre-determined. Whether it is birth order, hormonal, genetic, or some outside environmental cause, I think some people are wired differently in regards to their sexual feelings. Because I believe in a divine spark of life at conception, then of course that would mean that God makes all of us. Hence some of us are "made" gay, while others are "made" straight.

When early, non-sexual attractions are realized as youngsters, most people are rewarded for boy-girl crushes. "Do you have a girlfriend?" is asked of a little kindergarten boy. "Are you married?" we jokingly ask little elementary-age girls. Gay people, however, are shamed - and as one gets older, the shame is enlarged so that it becomes worse. Ridicule is painful and most people avoid it, and in church we preach that homosexuality is the worst of the worst of humanity. It is sickness! It is sin!

When we, as Christians, tell people that their sin is unforgivable and damning, gay people eventually lose hope for their own salvation. It seems to be unattainable, unreachable, and they, themselves become the "untouchables" to all normal folk. We tell them they must change to become heterosexual, and while it may be possible for an extremely small few, I don't think it is possible for most gay people. Those gay people finally turn from God and from the churches. Without hope, without moral role models, then you have all the "stuff" that goes with it - and depravity sinks lower and lower.

Another extremely important point: NOT ALL GAYS TURN FROM THE CHURCH! Many, many, many are still hanging in there. They are solid family people, whether or not they are partnered or married. Many are ministers, music leaders, and Bible teachers. They love God, love the church, love everything about serving God and the church. They are NO different than other people in any ways that really count!

I had a pastor recently liken this to a dog who returns to a cruel master, and still licks his master's hand. He said this is like people who are kicked and misrepresented within the church, but they stay and serve and love the very churches that vilify them.

I believe it is so important that those who are gay and are religious to walk openly and show their families, those around them, their co-workers, and their communities that there is a difference in how people live their lives, and to show that sexual orientation does NOT pre-determine behavior. In the same way it is my opinion that we ALL should live our faith with integrity - gay or straight.

One book I read, "The Velvet Rage," went into details about how the mental condition of gay men develops. I recommend it often. The psychologist that wrote doesn't claim to be a Christian, but has evaluated many of his patients, and I think he's got good things to say.

In answer to those who ask about the Bible and what it says, I must refer them to sources that helped me view things differently. I formerly looked in Leviticus and saw only "abomination." In Romans, I saw, "turned them over to reprobate minds." What I didn't take into consideration was the fact that we have changed how we view eating shrimp, opening stores on Sundays, slavery and birth control. I think now it is time we re-evaluated our use of the Bible as a sex manual. For readers who wish to learn more, please read HERE and HERE.