The messages continue, and people outside our family want to confront me. I guess family get-togethers at Christmas are the perfect time to discuss Ray and Carol Boltz. It's interesting how others have the time and "courage" to shoot off a critical e-mail, when they would not be able to sit face-to-face with me and have a talk.
At different times I have offered to talk to friends (and/or strangers) about having a gay husband. Some have instantly turned to the words "abomination," and "sin," and because of that I have needed to form my thoughts so that I can talk in a calm manner, and try to explain that, "it's not what you do, it's who you are." Those were words that Ray used to help me understand when, four years ago this week, I was in the same place as some of those who now are making their judgments.
I've observed that most of the messages fall into two categories: 1) Ray has chosen to become homosexual. Or 2) Ray was never saved, and he deceived us as he sang the very words that he wrote.
My responses now, and it is not my intent to be sarcastic or flippant, are: to #1 - Why would anyone CHOOSE to be gay, when others will hate you, turn from you, and say hateful things to you and about you. It will mean the end of your life and livelihood as you've known it. You will be rejected by those who professed to love you and the songs you wrote. To "choose" that just doesn't make sense.
To those who think #2, I just think you never knew Ray. And I wonder if you know God.
God, who send his son, Jesus, by way of a young unmarried girl named Mary. Mary, who could have been stoned for her supposed sin. And this baby was entrusted into the family of Joseph, who without his honor to step up and marry his fiancee', would have sent her to her death, and hence the death of God's son. And in the end, I'm sure Mary must have wondered, "why, God?", when her oldest son died on a cross for sins he didn't commit.
God, who uses ways that we don't understand, and somehow, some way, we are supposed to learn and grow from the trials in our lives. Life is not easy, and I've discovered that none of us choose our problems. That is something I'd never have known, deep down, like I think I do now, if not for what I've gone through. My wise counselor, Jane, told me, "You never grow or mature without struggle."
And despite the fact that I sometimes rail against God for where I've been placed, I still have that drawing to God, to the help that I also cannot comprehend.
So to those who wish to argue, I'm declining those offers. Maybe we can sit over coffee, and we can have a talk that will mean something. But don't assume that you and I will debate over e-mails or comments, because those will never show me, and it won't show the many changes I've had in the last four years, and it definitely won't prove anything to you. I decline the debates.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
... a lot like Christmas
We're a day "off" here at the Boltz house, shifting the holiday to tomorrow. We had to adjust it here, turning Dec. 26 into Christmas Day. Turn on the holiday CDs, bring out the sugar cookies, put on the rib roast! It's Christmas and we are into it!
Some of the kids are arriving today, thanks to the fact that flights are cheaper ON Chrismas Day and New Year's Day, rather than the days leading up to the actual holidays. That affects one daughter, Liz, and son-in-law, Ben, who fly today from the East coast. Another pair, Sara and Landon, are sharing the morning with in-laws, so they will come this afternoon. Karen and Rajeev, with 2 1/2-year-old Arya, make the sacrifice to pack EVERYTHING, so that Santa can find Arya at Grandma's. I always am glad Karen married someone with Nepali parents, because that means we always get them for Christmas! Son Phil is here with his fiancee, Emily. With nothing else to think of only days from her wedding, she has given up her holiday with her family to be find out how the Boltzes do things. Oh, and Pappaw is here too.
But what's so odd about that? Our family has always been a little skewed - I mean, I made a tie-dye, 3-piece suit that Phil wore to his senior prom. Liz once had bright pink hair. I never let them "celebrate halloween," but I made each of them fun Bible costumes to go to the church "hallelujah parties," (kind of an ironic twist). Each one spent summers on foreign mission trips rather than comfortably hanging out to watch TV and play Nintendo (not that they didn't spend PLENTY of time with video games). In Phil's words, "it's just that we were never strongly compelled to be like everyone else."
Even with the revelations of four years ago, we still can be together and have fun. Even with new traditions, like sharing the holidays, long-distance travel, and re-arranging the date of the event, it is the togetherness that we long for. So what if it isn't traditional? And some might find it too difficult. For us, the Boltz family, it is not. And even though Ray and I live apart, we are the parents of four wonderful kids, we love their spouses, and we get to be Grandma and Pappaw to Arya, and by next year another new baby-on-the-way.
It isn't the day. It's our family, it's Christmas, we're together.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!
Some of the kids are arriving today, thanks to the fact that flights are cheaper ON Chrismas Day and New Year's Day, rather than the days leading up to the actual holidays. That affects one daughter, Liz, and son-in-law, Ben, who fly today from the East coast. Another pair, Sara and Landon, are sharing the morning with in-laws, so they will come this afternoon. Karen and Rajeev, with 2 1/2-year-old Arya, make the sacrifice to pack EVERYTHING, so that Santa can find Arya at Grandma's. I always am glad Karen married someone with Nepali parents, because that means we always get them for Christmas! Son Phil is here with his fiancee, Emily. With nothing else to think of only days from her wedding, she has given up her holiday with her family to be find out how the Boltzes do things. Oh, and Pappaw is here too.
But what's so odd about that? Our family has always been a little skewed - I mean, I made a tie-dye, 3-piece suit that Phil wore to his senior prom. Liz once had bright pink hair. I never let them "celebrate halloween," but I made each of them fun Bible costumes to go to the church "hallelujah parties," (kind of an ironic twist). Each one spent summers on foreign mission trips rather than comfortably hanging out to watch TV and play Nintendo (not that they didn't spend PLENTY of time with video games). In Phil's words, "it's just that we were never strongly compelled to be like everyone else."
Even with the revelations of four years ago, we still can be together and have fun. Even with new traditions, like sharing the holidays, long-distance travel, and re-arranging the date of the event, it is the togetherness that we long for. So what if it isn't traditional? And some might find it too difficult. For us, the Boltz family, it is not. And even though Ray and I live apart, we are the parents of four wonderful kids, we love their spouses, and we get to be Grandma and Pappaw to Arya, and by next year another new baby-on-the-way.
It isn't the day. It's our family, it's Christmas, we're together.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Questions about the "gay lifestyle"
Someone wrote me and said this: There is a lot of things in the gay community that are prevalent, like pornography and multiple partners. Why is that, if it is okay? these are the questions I have.
Regarding porn, if truth be told, there are many people who accept and view porn, both gay and straight alike. I don't believe our access to this is a selling point, but I'm stating that it's there and people view it. And straight people have no monopoly on multiple partners - just watch Friends re-runs. While the media shows some parts of gay life, and while some of it is valid, not ALL of it is. I have some opinions about this, and part of the problem is because of the churches in general.
First, I think that sexual orientation is somehow pre-determined. Whether it is birth order, hormonal, genetic, or some outside environmental cause, I think some people are wired differently in regards to their sexual feelings. Because I believe in a divine spark of life at conception, then of course that would mean that God makes all of us. Hence some of us are "made" gay, while others are "made" straight.
When early, non-sexual attractions are realized as youngsters, most people are rewarded for boy-girl crushes. "Do you have a girlfriend?" is asked of a little kindergarten boy. "Are you married?" we jokingly ask little elementary-age girls. Gay people, however, are shamed - and as one gets older, the shame is enlarged so that it becomes worse. Ridicule is painful and most people avoid it, and in church we preach that homosexuality is the worst of the worst of humanity. It is sickness! It is sin!
When we, as Christians, tell people that their sin is unforgivable and damning, gay people eventually lose hope for their own salvation. It seems to be unattainable, unreachable, and they, themselves become the "untouchables" to all normal folk. We tell them they must change to become heterosexual, and while it may be possible for an extremely small few, I don't think it is possible for most gay people. Those gay people finally turn from God and from the churches. Without hope, without moral role models, then you have all the "stuff" that goes with it - and depravity sinks lower and lower.
Another extremely important point: NOT ALL GAYS TURN FROM THE CHURCH! Many, many, many are still hanging in there. They are solid family people, whether or not they are partnered or married. Many are ministers, music leaders, and Bible teachers. They love God, love the church, love everything about serving God and the church. They are NO different than other people in any ways that really count!
I had a pastor recently liken this to a dog who returns to a cruel master, and still licks his master's hand. He said this is like people who are kicked and misrepresented within the church, but they stay and serve and love the very churches that vilify them.
I believe it is so important that those who are gay and are religious to walk openly and show their families, those around them, their co-workers, and their communities that there is a difference in how people live their lives, and to show that sexual orientation does NOT pre-determine behavior. In the same way it is my opinion that we ALL should live our faith with integrity - gay or straight.
One book I read, "The Velvet Rage," went into details about how the mental condition of gay men develops. I recommend it often. The psychologist that wrote doesn't claim to be a Christian, but has evaluated many of his patients, and I think he's got good things to say.
In answer to those who ask about the Bible and what it says, I must refer them to sources that helped me view things differently. I formerly looked in Leviticus and saw only "abomination." In Romans, I saw, "turned them over to reprobate minds." What I didn't take into consideration was the fact that we have changed how we view eating shrimp, opening stores on Sundays, slavery and birth control. I think now it is time we re-evaluated our use of the Bible as a sex manual. For readers who wish to learn more, please read HERE and HERE.
Regarding porn, if truth be told, there are many people who accept and view porn, both gay and straight alike. I don't believe our access to this is a selling point, but I'm stating that it's there and people view it. And straight people have no monopoly on multiple partners - just watch Friends re-runs. While the media shows some parts of gay life, and while some of it is valid, not ALL of it is. I have some opinions about this, and part of the problem is because of the churches in general.
First, I think that sexual orientation is somehow pre-determined. Whether it is birth order, hormonal, genetic, or some outside environmental cause, I think some people are wired differently in regards to their sexual feelings. Because I believe in a divine spark of life at conception, then of course that would mean that God makes all of us. Hence some of us are "made" gay, while others are "made" straight.
When early, non-sexual attractions are realized as youngsters, most people are rewarded for boy-girl crushes. "Do you have a girlfriend?" is asked of a little kindergarten boy. "Are you married?" we jokingly ask little elementary-age girls. Gay people, however, are shamed - and as one gets older, the shame is enlarged so that it becomes worse. Ridicule is painful and most people avoid it, and in church we preach that homosexuality is the worst of the worst of humanity. It is sickness! It is sin!
When we, as Christians, tell people that their sin is unforgivable and damning, gay people eventually lose hope for their own salvation. It seems to be unattainable, unreachable, and they, themselves become the "untouchables" to all normal folk. We tell them they must change to become heterosexual, and while it may be possible for an extremely small few, I don't think it is possible for most gay people. Those gay people finally turn from God and from the churches. Without hope, without moral role models, then you have all the "stuff" that goes with it - and depravity sinks lower and lower.
Another extremely important point: NOT ALL GAYS TURN FROM THE CHURCH! Many, many, many are still hanging in there. They are solid family people, whether or not they are partnered or married. Many are ministers, music leaders, and Bible teachers. They love God, love the church, love everything about serving God and the church. They are NO different than other people in any ways that really count!
I had a pastor recently liken this to a dog who returns to a cruel master, and still licks his master's hand. He said this is like people who are kicked and misrepresented within the church, but they stay and serve and love the very churches that vilify them.
I believe it is so important that those who are gay and are religious to walk openly and show their families, those around them, their co-workers, and their communities that there is a difference in how people live their lives, and to show that sexual orientation does NOT pre-determine behavior. In the same way it is my opinion that we ALL should live our faith with integrity - gay or straight.
One book I read, "The Velvet Rage," went into details about how the mental condition of gay men develops. I recommend it often. The psychologist that wrote doesn't claim to be a Christian, but has evaluated many of his patients, and I think he's got good things to say.
In answer to those who ask about the Bible and what it says, I must refer them to sources that helped me view things differently. I formerly looked in Leviticus and saw only "abomination." In Romans, I saw, "turned them over to reprobate minds." What I didn't take into consideration was the fact that we have changed how we view eating shrimp, opening stores on Sundays, slavery and birth control. I think now it is time we re-evaluated our use of the Bible as a sex manual. For readers who wish to learn more, please read HERE and HERE.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Rick Warren, inaugural prayer
It's been all over the news since yesterday that President-elect Obama has chosen Rick Warren to participate in the Inauguration by giving a prayer. The news has brought attention to the fact that human rights activists of the glbt community is upset. (from here on I will use glbt as the abbreviation for gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender) I want to share a friend's story, and I hope that it can bring some understanding of why they feel like he is an unwelcome choice.
Jeff Lutes is the executive director of Soulforce, and he and his partner, Gary, are the fathers of 3 adopted children. I have met them as a family, and was impressed with such well-behaved kids and their loving dads. Here is what he shared about meeting Rick Warren last summer.
Although I can understand that Obama wants to "reach out" to the faith community, since Warren is well-respected by and well-connected within that community. He's a leader, an author that has sold millions of his books, and he has been featured on the cover of Time magazine as someone who gives of his time and his wealth to support others.
But Warren also has disregarded gay people of Christian faith, and he has stated that he does not believe in civil unions or gay marriage. He used words like "immaturity," and said homosexuals should practice, "delayed gratification." He said that even if it should be found that people are born gay, that they should not express that part of themselves.
What really irks me is that we are not talking about folks who want to party all-night-long, like the song says, but we are talking about people of faith, those who believe in forming loving families of faith in Christ!
So can we do what Jeff Lutes suggests? Can we pray together for a day when all are accepted? When all have their relationships recognized? Let us all hope for a time when churches and their leaders stop spreading lies about gay families, so that the gay men and women who want to build families are supported in our churches and protected by our laws.
Jeff Lutes is the executive director of Soulforce, and he and his partner, Gary, are the fathers of 3 adopted children. I have met them as a family, and was impressed with such well-behaved kids and their loving dads. Here is what he shared about meeting Rick Warren last summer.
Although I can understand that Obama wants to "reach out" to the faith community, since Warren is well-respected by and well-connected within that community. He's a leader, an author that has sold millions of his books, and he has been featured on the cover of Time magazine as someone who gives of his time and his wealth to support others.
But Warren also has disregarded gay people of Christian faith, and he has stated that he does not believe in civil unions or gay marriage. He used words like "immaturity," and said homosexuals should practice, "delayed gratification." He said that even if it should be found that people are born gay, that they should not express that part of themselves.
What really irks me is that we are not talking about folks who want to party all-night-long, like the song says, but we are talking about people of faith, those who believe in forming loving families of faith in Christ!
So can we do what Jeff Lutes suggests? Can we pray together for a day when all are accepted? When all have their relationships recognized? Let us all hope for a time when churches and their leaders stop spreading lies about gay families, so that the gay men and women who want to build families are supported in our churches and protected by our laws.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Welcome mail from Heartland Men's Chorus
Sometimes when I go to the Post Office to pick up the mail, I don't know what to expect. When a hand-written note is sent, it does seem that to be more sensitive and thoughtful than the quickly-posted e-mail to a vague receiver. However, when I get a PACKAGE, I never know what I'm in for. Is it an angry customer who wants back their money, claiming they were deceived? Is it going to be a handful of prayer letters from a church, sent anonymously by way of the former friend/employee who shared a "need" after I confided in her and told her specifically this was NOT public information, and she shared with them my personal address? Or will it be a demo CD, which I have no way to connect to the recording industry (because they don't call)? All these are real possibilities, and I share them just to let you know how my life can surprise me!
Thankfully, yesterday when I went to the Post Office, the package I got was a very pleasant surprise. It was a DVD from Heartland Men's Chorus of Kansas City, Missouri! The title of the project is, "All God's Children," a documentary described in the accompanying letter as one "in which we explored the role of religion in the lives of gay people." That letter was from Cliff Schiappa, Development Director.
What a great project - which I put in and watched immediately (well, in the same day :) ). I was so happy to see that Rev. Mel White was an integral part of this effort. One of the first comments he made was about how, "one day they'll understand," as he referred to the churches and people of faith who so frequently assume that gay men and women are sick and sinful. I was not only touched by the songs, but by the men's stories.
Thanks, Cliff. Thanks, Heartland Men's Chorus. Your voices are being heard, and I'm glad you sent me, via Ray, your project. I promise I will forward it to him - and he can be as pleasantly surprised at the mail box as I was.
Thankfully, yesterday when I went to the Post Office, the package I got was a very pleasant surprise. It was a DVD from Heartland Men's Chorus of Kansas City, Missouri! The title of the project is, "All God's Children," a documentary described in the accompanying letter as one "in which we explored the role of religion in the lives of gay people." That letter was from Cliff Schiappa, Development Director.
What a great project - which I put in and watched immediately (well, in the same day :) ). I was so happy to see that Rev. Mel White was an integral part of this effort. One of the first comments he made was about how, "one day they'll understand," as he referred to the churches and people of faith who so frequently assume that gay men and women are sick and sinful. I was not only touched by the songs, but by the men's stories.
Thanks, Cliff. Thanks, Heartland Men's Chorus. Your voices are being heard, and I'm glad you sent me, via Ray, your project. I promise I will forward it to him - and he can be as pleasantly surprised at the mail box as I was.
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