Your spouse just came out as gay . Now what do you do?

Getting asked "I'm married and I'm gay.  What should I do?" or, "My husband is gay...What should I do?" are two of the hardest questions I am asked.  Sometimes it's a married and closeted gay man, and sometimes it's from a wife who is straight, newly learning her husband is gay.  I've met wonderful people on both sides of this question, and I'm not convinced there is only one right answer. 

Multiple books are devoted to how others have solved their questions. (see insert below)  Counselors address authentic living and self-acceptance.  Fundamentalists insist that there ARE "no homosexuals, only heterosexuals - with issues."  (my own punctuation for emphasis).  Bloggers share their viewpoints and offer free advice.  Needless to say, I cannot answer for anyone else besides myself, but I've tried to share my heartfelt emotions (on MY blog) as I've adjusted to the fact that I loved and married a gay man.   So far, I don't have a book to sell.  I only have my life and my opinions, and even those are subject to change.   

When I'm asked that desperate question of "...what should I DO?" - I wonder how my answer will affect people.  I've discovered that others will come to different conclusions than me.  I've talked to couples who recognize that one partner is gay and they want to work things out and stay together monogamously.  Others decide to open their marriage - and yes, some can do that and deal with the emotions that come with new definitions of marriage.  Still others divorce, whether it's with contempt of with ongoing friendship.  The choices are all new when a couple examines the value of staying together versus separating.

One thing that I believe is that once there is loss of trust in the relationship, re-establishing that trust is going to take time and effort.  It may be that being gay was hidden from an unknowing spouse.   It can extend to horrible unfaithfulness (and the lies that go with it) that break down the framework of married life.  No matter where it is lost, trusting one another again is critical to go forward.  And whether it's trusting a partner enough to honestly "come out" or proving trust is there enough to raise young children together - whatever the situation - deciding what to do is going to take all the "good emotions" that you might not know you had:  love, patience, trust, acceptance, honesty, generosity.  And that's just the short list, and it goes for both partners.

So far, I've been one of the lucky ones.  I've come through divorce with my own home, grown kids, and the ability to choose whether to go back to work.  Some women have young kids, or never have the chance to have kids.  Some wives lose their home, and others have to find ways to support themselves from the ground up.  Sure, there is a lot that I miss.  On the other hand, I don't have to cook or clean after anyone but myself.  I come and go as I please, and I never argue with myself over money!  (keep it positive!)  Yes, I've lost a lot, but I've discovered a lot of self-confidence.  My shaken faith is re-building.  I've learned to accept others without judging (on-going effort), and I have some true friends that I can't do without.  Through this all, I still have my best friend.

So, really, What to DO when one spouse is gay, remains something only you can answer.  My advice?  Be honest.  Live with authenticity.  Decide how you want to live, and what is most important.  Finally, let the good emotions prevail. 

What is owed the straight spouse?

If you don't read this blog regularly, you might not realize that I often remind people that gays and straights shouldn't really marry each other, ESPECIALLY if either party thinks that straight marriage will change a same-sex-attracted person to be NOT GAY. If some want to knowingly enter a mixed-orientation marriage, then be forewarned that there are enough other stumbling blocks in relationships, that sexual mis-matches are ahead, with trouble and heartache to follow, and just remember, "Carol told you so."

Then there are the straight women, like myself, who unknowingly marry gay or transgender men, and they end up without means to continue their family life as planned. Often this is totally without warning. Other times it is the final result of dissonance that has been brewing for a long time.

Peterson Toscano's blog post (originally from last August), "Mixed Orientation Marriages–Fraud, Failures and Family"never gets too old to be discussed. My own blog entry is cited, and a wide variety of comments followed. Just a few days ago, Tracy had an EXCELLENT comment which came at the end of a long post/comments section

If only the family code allowed enough for a mom to carry on after staying home for years then one would not need to prove a tort case....These men are not as advertised and should pay to restore the life of their victims.

And I bring that question here: What is owed the straight spouse when the GLBT spouse can't continue in the marriage as was the commitment?

Gone are the days when a wife stayed at home tending the fires and washing the clothes. Most families are supported by two incomes, and it's a rare thing if only one works outside the home. HOWEVER, when one of those incomes is GONE from the family, and the remaining spouse is left alone, and it has nothing to do with fault on the part of the straight spouse, isn't there obligation to continue support for that straight spouse? In these cases, what should the obligation be?.

Aside from legal requirements, shouldn't there be monetary and property provision for the straight spouse? Shouldn't the GLBT partner willingly offer physical participation in raising the children? YES! (duh)

I'm often less-than-harsh toward the gay spouse, because I feel that coming out is honest. I feel that sometimes it can take years to come to terms with your sexual orientation, but most people say they "knew" years before, even if they didn't want to accept it. All that said, I think it is the RIGHT thing for him or her to keep helping the unknowing straight spouse, and I'll go so far as to say "innocent party," because that is how many of us feel. WE went into marriage in love, trusting for a lifetime of companionship, partnership, and family, and we end up alone. It's not fair, and we, as straight spouses, deserve, as Tracy says, to be restored.

Conclusions drawn after being married to a gay man

Yesterday I ran into an old friend, and for this blog I will call her Ellie. I should say, "a friend I've known for some time." She's not old, even if we both qualify for the senior discount at the movies! Maybe I have a bad memory, because Ellie recalled that the last time we ran into each other, I told her I was dating someone I described as, "Definitely NOT GAY." Back when I dated that guy, I was too consumed with him to remember that fleeting conversation, but when prompted about it, I did remember. (Honest, my memory runs worse and worse - just ask my kids, but I'm STILL claiming the "not old" designation, got that?)

One of our mutual friends had let me know that Ellie was once married to a gay man. For some reason, even though it seems everyone in our town (with our church connections) certainly knows about Ray (my former husband) coming out, Ellie had never mentioned it, even when we have connected at get-togethers when she could have.

As for myself, I really wanted to talk about her experience, compare a note or two, and possibly connect with another ally. That motivation led me to ask Ellie, "Did you know?" She proceeded to tell me that at least once before they were married, a friend had stated, "Well, you know he's gay, don't you?" But, like others before and since, she blew that off in ignorance because she was in love.

Ellie went on to say that the subject came up again, later, but her then-husband waved away the question so that he didn't have to answer. And, finally, there was the evidence: phone calls, trips, letters, and ultimately there was proof. Yes, her husband was gay. Because he'd been unfaithful, they soon divorced after having been married less than 5 years.

Of course I sympathized. She'd lost her love, her hopes, her future with him. I was sad for them both, and wished Ellie had not had to live with this hurt. To myself I wondered what ever happened to him - in our talk he was nameless. It made me sad to think of the hopes dashed, the questions of "why?" and how we go forward, smiling, yet explaining to ourselves in ways that make sense.

She asked me about my life, "What about you? Did you know?" "How long did you know?" And she also asked, "Did Ray ever go to Exodus?" I know I must have frowned and said, "No, and I'm so glad he didn't...It would only have made him feel worse...I don't think it would have helped, since change isn't possible. If it were, Ray would have changed."

Soon we got to the point where she and I no longer had things in common...It was when she said, "...But if someone really wants to change, I believe God will change them." And, "Haven't you heard of Dennis Jernigan? He has 9 kids."

Oh, my, gosh. Just the day before I had been writing an entry about how I am NOT convinced that by Dennis Jernigan's marriage and his 9 kids, that he is any way straight. I stopped writing and then didn't publish what I had, because I don't feel it's in anyone's best interest to comment on his personal life. Ellie was surprised at my reaction. She actually believes he's not gay.

You may be asking, Why does this interaction bear mentioning in Carol's blog?

It's because I keep wondering: How can a former wife of a gay man, having married him with love and commitment, logically come to the conclusion that he would be drawn to men rather than oneself? Wouldn't you rather realize that it was an inherent attraction to something OTHER than anything you can be? Isn't it more reasonable to understand that you are NOT the problem? Or, rather than being "not the problem," doesn't it feel better to know that you can't possibly be the solution?

I really hesitate to write more about Gayle Haggard, (wife of Ted Haggard) who is on a book tour to promote her book, "Why I stayed." I don't really want to write about whether or not Dennis Jernigan is straight or gay, or about anyone else who has a personal life that they deserve to preserve and protect. (Mr. Jernigan is a Christian worship song-writer, who claims he was healed from being gay, says he was "called to marry" his wife, and has fathered nine children.) Those two are just a fraction of mixed-orientation couples holding out false hopes of change, or at the least are living in denial. In those cases, in obscure blogs, such as Robert's "thearchitectsgarage" some claim to have overcome same-sex-attraction. (I still can't figure what he's trying to say or convince others of.) I just don't buy those claims. HOWEVER, when I see Ms. Haggard on the Today show, or read a published "testimonial" online, and when they go public, write blogs (or weird narratives) for other people in the same situation, I DO feel like I have the obligation to speak out on the conclusions that I have made.

Today I cried thinking about the families who have established themselves upon the doomed foundation of mixed-orientation couples, expecting change to occur. Some live monogamously, for long periods of time, abstaining from gay connections, and they declare that they are "cured." It is NOT my intention to break up these families! However I feel strongly that the right thing to do is to admit that the "gay-ness" or the same-sex-attraction, or whatever you want to call it, doesn't go away.

It seems redundant to keep saying it, but just don't claim to have prayed it away. Willing yourself to live a straight life is NOT the same as being straight. Remember, it's not what you do, it's about who you ARE.

What am I trying to say? If you are married, live with integrity. Honor your spouse, raise your kids. Be truthful. Don't lie. Be faithful. Live honestly.

And if you know (or are coming to terms with the fact that) you are gay and are NOT yet married to someone of the opposite sex, please do the same things: Live with integrity. Be truthful. Don't lie. Live honestly. And don't think that marrying a straight partner will solve or change your sexual orientation.

Can I be any clearer?

Wishes...

Wish I could paint a brighter picture for people in mixed-orientation marriages.

Wish there was an easy-to-follow plan when you have to re-make your life

Wish I could wave a wand and make people see that gay isn't a choice.

Wishing for life before I knew.

Wish people could accept one another without prejudice. Myself included.

Wish I could get over being judgmental.

Wish I could write a post about finding a new Mr. Right.

Wish I could just FIND a new Mr. Right.

Wish for equal rights for all.

Wish my dad could live without hurting, forever. And since it's wishing, I wish my mom was still here. And that I could talk to her.

Wish church felt good.

Wish cynicism was not so easy to slip into.

Wish for the "olden days," without all the bad parts, just like in the email forwards. (hmmm...isn't it interesting that the nostaligic forwards sentimentalize the past?)

Now, I realize and know that if we were all accepting of each other, we wouldn't need to convince anyone to any new ideas. I know that struggling to change others is an ongoing movement, and that it would be boring if we were all the same. yada - yada. But I can wish anyway.

Meanwhile - I got a new grandbaby yesterday! My daughter, Liz, gave birth to a beautiful little girl! And I'm off to see her again at the hospital.

Forgiveness

I just watched a segment on the Today Show, and it was about forgiveness. A divorced woman, Victoria Rosner, who'd been left by her husband while she was pregnant, and later she allowed this man back into the life of her son. At the time, this father had been diagnosed with cancer, and was asking to be involved with his young son. Victoria tells her story in the New York Times. Victoria details the anguish she felt, but in the end, she allowed the dad to be involved and participate in their son's life, even though there was pain involved. She allowed forgiveness to prevail.

My question is this: Why does it seem so difficult to forgive? And what negatives or positives go hand in hand with forgiving? How does this apply to situations of mixed-orientation marriage?

First: Why is it difficult to forgive?

When a spouse comes out, it hurts us, really causing heartache and trouble in our lives, and we have legitimate gripes. Many of us know how heartbreaking it is to realize life can't go forward the way we planned it. We are at risk of loosing our family, our status, our incomes, not to mention the loves of our lives. It feels like we'll never get over it - after all, we've been wronged. When that someone is one we've loved and trusted, it aches in physical and emotional ways. All these things can give us justification to hold on to how we've been wronged.

Often, gay people live double lives. For the straight spouse, this might be the most devastating realization of all. Whether this is known for a long time or a short time, it damages trust and feels like nothing is real, or has been real. The details of the actions of the gay spouse cause real damage to the spouse, the family/children, and often in financial ways. Ongoing problems are often the most difficult to forgive.

Many of us, as church-attending, faithful Christians, have grown up and matured to think and believe that being gay is a sin. This belief is as much cultural as it is religious. However, professional organizations have drawn the conclusion that being gay is NOT a mental disorder, nor is it something that can change through various therapy, prayer, or any kind of effort. If we look honestly at those who are gay, we have to know that they didn't choose their sexual orientation, that they cannot be other than who they are, and it is impossible to hold it against them. (I often say that the Bible is a book to guide our lives, but it is not a sex manual.)

Positives/Negatives

One reaction is to hold it all inside. Many straight spouses go into the closet when a gay spouse comes out. (Read Amity Pierce Buxton's, "The Other Side of the Closet.") It can be isolating to live alone with this truth: My spouse is gay! What am I going to do?

Bitterness can consume us. We can talk up the situation with friends, re-hashing how bad the actions were on the part of the "wronger." Sometimes it might feel great to make ourselves the center of attention, joking at the actions of someone who behaved poorly. At church, for example, how easy it would be to point to the actions of someone who walked away, turned their back, or acted selfishly? And, it can be, in a strange way, comforting to have sympathy from others.

But what happens, and how would that feel when the friends take off, and you have to live with no one but yourself to re-hash? Which member of our families would be better off if we behave that way? What good would be served? Does it really pump your ego to frame the "ex" in a bad light? Will it help make him or her a better person? Ask yourself: Will it make ME a better person? Would it be worth the brief inflation of your own ego? I'd say, "no."

The right thing to do...

Victoria Rosner had to decide whether to allow her young son to connect with his father, after he behaved badly and had had no part in his life for the first two years of the boy's life. She consulted with many people in her circle of acquaintances:

I queried friends, relations, professionals: What would you do? The responses were mixed. A friend said: “How could you let him back after what he did? He doesn’t deserve to know his son.” My mother said, “How can you refuse what might turn out to be a last wish?” And my therapist just said, “You’ll know the right thing to do.”

She knew the right thing to do, and she permitted the father and son to be part of each others' lives. Sadly, the father passed away, and there was even more to deal with: how a pre-schooler deals with loosing his Daddy. Sad, all the way around.

For so many straight spouses, you have been "done wrong." Perhaps you always knew something was amiss. Perhaps you even knew before you were married that your spouse was same-sex-attracted. But so often, one doesn't know, and things happen that are damaging to the relationship - you have every right to leave the marriage. Then again, maybe it's just that the gay spouse needs to leave the marriage, even though they have never engaged in relations or a relationship outside the marriage. In any case, you are the recipient of negative feelings, and you need to forgive him or her of the real, damaging, hurtful wrongs done to you. I understand how you feel.

I get a lot of questions because I have forgiven my ex-husband. In a way, I didn't even have to forgive him because I chose to understand. Even so, I decided early on to NOT hold it against him that our marriage was to end. I decided early on to NOT implicate him as responsible, because he did not choose to be gay. So, I forgave him for what? For being honest? Or for not telling me sooner? Yes, for all that, and more, which I had to give up: an intact family, a life-partner, status at church and in our community. Income. His company day-to-day. ALL that changed, and I forgave him.

I now benefit from a free conscience and relief of not carrying with me the heaviness of being a victim. I benefit by being able to hold my head up and talk openly about my situation, but without vengeance. I benefit with an ongoing, healthy relationship with my ex, and I don't blame him for our break-up. With forgiveness I can go forward, hoping that I've done the best I can with a difficult situation. I think forgiveness is worth that kind of living. I recommend it.

Connecting with Straight Spouse Network, Soulforce BoD, Beyond Ex-gay

It's been nearly four and a half years since my then-husband came out to me and our four kids. The shock and awe I felt was beyond words, but I did a couple things right away. One of them was to read the book, "Stranger at the Gate," and I googled the name of the author, Mel White. In my searches I found Straight Spouse Network,and I read the book by Amity Pierce Buxton, "The Other Side of the Closet." I found the blog of Peterson Toscano, and I began to glimpse something other than what I'd been taught in church: gay and Christian were not impossible! Peterson teamed with Christine Bakke to start the online support called BEYOND EX-GAY.

All these resources were critical in my finding my way out of the incorrect view that being gay was a choice. I'm still not sure which ones had the most influence, but I appreciate and value each one.

Recently I was asked to serve on the Board of Directors of Soulforce, and I gladly accepted. This organization was co-founded by Mel White and Gary Nixon. The mission of Soulforce is to work through nonviolent direct action to bring about the end of religious and political oppression of GLBTQ people. I'm proud of the work they are doing, and I'm very pleased to come alongside so many committed people to bring about important change.

While I was in Austin recently, for my first meeting with the Board, I got an e-mail from Janet at Straight Spouse Network, informing me that I'd been added on their blogroll. Their blog was launched about the same time as I started this one, and it's really fantastic. Ms. Buxton (Amity) has studied and influenced so many who find themselves in mixed-orientation marriages, and she's tirelessly (well, she probably does get tired, but she keeps going!) works to bring attention to these straight spouses. I'm honored that Janet added my blog to their list.

If you are a straight spouse of a gay or lesbian person, I urge you to try to get informed. There are helps out there, and I am so happy to support both Straight Spouse Network, Soulforce, and Beyond Ex-gay. Check them out.

"a rough row to hoe"

That phrase, "a rough row to hoe," was one of my counselor, Jane's, favorites. Jane would throw in little "witticisms," whenever it suited the situation. If you have ever gardened, you know what it means: a long row of corn or beans has to be tilled by hand, getting out the weeds, turning over the soil with a tool that only works when you work it. In a long row, with the hot sun burning your back and the end of the row obviously not in sight, it can seem like it's never-ending!

Lately I have heard from some married gay men (married to straight women), and they are desperate to be understood by their wives. The ones I hear from usually love their wives, but realize that same-sex attractions are not going away, despite all their best efforts, and truth be told, some of their worst efforts as well.

When I married, I was making the commitment to be faithful to ONE person. That is the vow you take when you stand before, as they say, God and everybody, and declare that THIS one is your one and only. Not merely emotionally, but physically, I was bonded to my husband. This is the expected way of life once one is married, and for Ray and me, it was our mutual commitment. When I learned (after nearly 30 years of marriage) that he was attracted to men, I not only suffered heartache, but as I found what other wives in my situation had endured, in the long run I realized I had a lot to be thankful for - and it was easier for me, in the long run, to be understanding.

With layers and layers of emotion to go through, several things I can look back and realize were helping me to understand. I knew that my husband had put me and our family first during years of effort to remain faithful, and I also believed him because of our history together. This was his EXPECTED marriage commitment, and the history we had created.

Without this history together, my acceptance would have been much more difficult. Even so, once I heard the words, "I'm gay," and learned what that meant, it was very difficult to still believe, "I love you." For me, it took a great effort on the part of my husband (who was becoming my former husband,) for me to believe him, and it took tremendous changes in my mind and in my heart, in order to shift our relationship to a separation. I'm not sure I'm able to get this across, but try to follow me that there were steps along the way that took talking, and actions, and feeble movements of change. It was work - it was a rough row to hoe.

Now let me get back to what I can offer for other couples, those who have loved one another, and have built a life together. When a spouse comes out as gay, the reactions vary, feelings vary, and history varies. There are situations where mixed-orientation couples NEED to stay together: those with children to raise, college tuitions to pay, those whose medical situations, insurance demands, financial situations, public lives, etc., and many other distinct reasons that people relate to.

Sometimes an immediate break happens, and divorce is inevitable. From there a lot can depend on how faithful the parties have been to the marriage relationship. In the cases where relationships OUTSIDE the marriage have transpired, I fully understand the hurt that causes a straight spouse to never understand or want to reconcile in any measure. And it is to those gay spouses that I also, if I may, remind of Jane's old-fashioned saying: You have a rough row to hoe.

Where in my family I had a history of good family life (for me, I thought my life was perfect) and it took months, even years, to be able to accept the truth of, "I love you, but I have to go," other women may find it harder, or even impossible to accept the reasons you have to end your marriage. Giving up a life that I loved and cherished was beyond description, and for others it may be the same or it may be vastly different. For me and for Ray, there is no way we can erase the years we built a life together, and it has been worth it to remain friends. No matter the difficult way it has gone, no matter the fact that we live apart and have new friends in our lives, we are still doing the work it takes to cause no further pain to one another.

At the same time, I don't [yet] offer hope. This is not a great outcome, but the best that we can expect. It sounds so dismal, so I'm not trying to put you all into depression, but there is nothing that SOLVES this dilemna: We love each other, but Ray is gay. Where do you even go with that? There IS NO solution!

My best effort is to support acceptance of young people who are gay, and to support loving, monogamous family life. I hope that those who are drawn to Christian churches will be able to be accepted fully, and to be part of a life they wish for themselves. I don't want gay/lesbian/bi/trans people to carry self-hate, suffer depression, or feelings of being "less than" straight people. And I certainly don't wish for gay people to marry straight ones!

If you, as a gay man, intend to find understanding from your straight wife, (or it may be a lesbian woman with a straight husband) it is going to take work: "a rough row to hoe," - and you can carry out the analogy to whatever way it works for you: pulling out the weeds, chopping up the clods of dirt, caring for the tender plants, sweating under the hot sun.

You are dealing with issues of trust, self-image, and hopefully, love. Every emotion that went in to making your marriage work from the beginning has been trampled, so it seems. If there is relationship to be salvaged, for whatever reasons, or if there is understanding to be gained, I believe it is worth it to work through the pain to keep it.

Regarding the help it will take for the straight spouse to understand, I am not sure what to add. I don't believe that I have some magic formula to prescribe. I offer resources that helped me, because I learned so much and can share those. Because we had the foundation of a life together, I was able to change - and I believe this was due to MANY things that came together.

From here, I keep trying to hoe my row.

EX-GAY THERAPY....THEY MAKE YOU STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO SLEEP WITH A WOMAN, LONG ENOUGH TO BREAK HER HEART

Several have asked me what I think since the interviews with Ted Haggard have surfaced. I have often thought I should name this blog, "What I think." That might be more descriptive than even "My heart goes out." But even though I share my thoughts, I still feel a lot of compassion for the Haggard family.

I was only able to watch Oprah, where Ted and Gayle Haggard were the guests, and I've seen several clips on youtube. I wrote notes to help me keep track of all that they said, and I'm very close to the feelings that Gayle expressed. These are some thoughts...

The family of Ted and Gayle Haggard have been in a spotlight for years, and Ted was always gay. He built a mega-church, and he was gay. He preached, and organized, and inspired, and he was gay that whole time. Whether or not he was having gay sex, or whether or not it ever would have been reported, he was gay. God used him tremendously in building that church and as loved as he was with his congregants, he was always gay. He should have been 100% faithful to his wife, and there is where he failed. He did not fail in being attracted to men. He now admits both of those things to be true.

In sharing more of what I think, I have personally met with (and paid the big bucks for) 3 different psychologists. With the fourth and my main therapist (who never charged me anything, God bless you, Jane) I met over a period of several months in order to understand a lot of what I was going through. I've discussed with individuals and with couples what they go through when they are in a mixed-orientation marriage. One book that really helped me was by Amity Piere Buxton, "The Other Side of the Closet." The situations in that book showed how when one member moved OUT of the closet, it put the straight spouse INTO it. I have been in that situation, and I think I've said enough on this blog to share all that in other places.

I have read current material that is supported by the American Psychological Association. But I have never met the Haggards, so I only speak from my own experience.

But some counselors, in the exact opposite of any of the above authorities, as well as all of the professional medical trade associations, are those who call themselves reparative counselors (also known as X-gay therapists), and they say "there is no such thing as a homosexual, only heterosexuals with issues." These counselors, usually from conservative Christian backgrounds are doing what they can to keep together families that are coming to them with problems.

The Haggard family is seeing Ted's same-sex attraction from the view of these hopeful Christian counselors. I understand their thinking, and I know they are relying on to their fundamentalist theology. I have spoken with one other couple who I'm friends with, and this couple, too, is staying together. They say the same things and it sounds a little bit too canned for me. I suppose that is a solution that works for them, but it isn't my situation. I can understand that both couples are feeling that they are doing the right thing.

Back when Kinsey first made his scale, he used it to demonstrate that there are variations in sexual orientation. To deny that there even exists such a thing as homosexuals one would have to come to the conclusion that the Haggards' theology (and many other evangelicals/fundamentalists/literalists and whatever one is called) works. Of course this is convenient for those who are married and one is same-sex-attracted, because it continues their hope that this behavior will not recur. Unfortunately this is rarely the case.

When I was an active member of the Yahoo group, "Wives of gay/bi husbands," it was heartbreaking for me to see so many, many wives who were hurt continually by their gay husbands. These good women (or who knows, they could have been regular women) wanted in every way to believe that their husbands were never, ever again going to act on their sex drives with other men. Unfortunately, it was a rare man who didn't go to the computer or video store for porn, visit a park for anonymous sex, or keep a boyfriend on the side. The actions of these men left their families at risk for disease. They disrespected their wives by lying. They harmed the women they had once loved by use of drugs and alcohol. But more than anything else, in their wake they had hurt everyone, and they many times did all this while telling their wives "I'm not really gay." Yeah, right.

I am not trying to have a self-fulfilling prophecy that the ones who claim to be "not-gay" will eventually act on their feelings. I am not trying to say that their love is not real, nor would I encourage others in this situation to leave one another or abandon their families. But as I've stated before, it is a travesty to tell a young person that the "feelings will change," if they marry someone of the opposite sex. It is wrong to tell them, like Ted Haggard is doing, that "the ideal is to marry." That makes other relationships inferior, and they are not.

A friend sent me this quote from the TV show, Rick and Steve. Although I have never seen that show (nor do I endorse it) a character had this to say about reparative therapy: "Ex-gay therapy...They make you straight enough to sleep with a woman, long enough to break her heart."

For Gayle to love Ted and to forgive his behavior, I'm so proud of her. For Ted to say he is going to not lie and not "act compulsively," good for him. I personally doubt that the troubles are over for the Haggards.