Getting asked "I'm married and I'm gay. What should I do?" or, "My husband is gay...What should I do?" are two of the hardest questions I am asked. Sometimes it's a married and closeted gay man, and sometimes it's from a wife who is straight, newly learning her husband is gay. I've met wonderful people on both sides of this question, and I'm not convinced there is only one right answer.
Multiple books are devoted to how others have solved their questions. (see insert below) Counselors address authentic living and self-acceptance. Fundamentalists insist that there ARE "no homosexuals, only heterosexuals - with issues." (my own punctuation for emphasis). Bloggers share their viewpoints and offer free advice. Needless to say, I cannot answer for anyone else besides myself, but I've tried to share my heartfelt emotions (on MY blog) as I've adjusted to the fact that I loved and married a gay man. So far, I don't have a book to sell. I only have my life and my opinions, and even those are subject to change.
When I'm asked that desperate question of "...what should I DO?" - I wonder how my answer will affect people. I've discovered that others will come to different conclusions than me. I've talked to couples who recognize that one partner is gay and they want to work things out and stay together monogamously. Others decide to open their marriage - and yes, some can do that and deal with the emotions that come with new definitions of marriage. Still others divorce, whether it's with contempt of with ongoing friendship. The choices are all new when a couple examines the value of staying together versus separating.
One thing that I believe is that once there is loss of trust in the relationship, re-establishing that trust is going to take time and effort. It may be that being gay was hidden from an unknowing spouse. It can extend to horrible unfaithfulness (and the lies that go with it) that break down the framework of married life. No matter where it is lost, trusting one another again is critical to go forward. And whether it's trusting a partner enough to honestly "come out" or proving trust is there enough to raise young children together - whatever the situation - deciding what to do is going to take all the "good emotions" that you might not know you had: love, patience, trust, acceptance, honesty, generosity. And that's just the short list, and it goes for both partners.
So far, I've been one of the lucky ones. I've come through divorce with my own home, grown kids, and the ability to choose whether to go back to work. Some women have young kids, or never have the chance to have kids. Some wives lose their home, and others have to find ways to support themselves from the ground up. Sure, there is a lot that I miss. On the other hand, I don't have to cook or clean after anyone but myself. I come and go as I please, and I never argue with myself over money! (keep it positive!) Yes, I've lost a lot, but I've discovered a lot of self-confidence. My shaken faith is re-building. I've learned to accept others without judging (on-going effort), and I have some true friends that I can't do without. Through this all, I still have my best friend.
So, really, What to DO when one spouse is gay, remains something only you can answer. My advice? Be honest. Live with authenticity. Decide how you want to live, and what is most important. Finally, let the good emotions prevail.
Showing posts with label solutions to having a gay husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label solutions to having a gay husband. Show all posts
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Monday, March 8, 2010
Carol Grever asks: What worked for you?
By way of Straight Spouse Network blog, Carol Grever is asking for help regarding what has worked in counseling for straight spouses. If you have input, please contact her.
I have copied the comments that I left, and perhaps others will share what helped for them.
Hi Carol,
Within one week of my husband's disclosure that he was gay, we went together to a counselor that he had talked with, but briefly. She asked me 3 questions:
1-How do you feel about being here?
2-Do you believe that Ray could be "healed" or changed if he prayed more, or harder?
3-What do you think is the best long-term outcome for the future?
At the time, I didn't feel like this counselor was the right one for me, and mostly it was because I knew she was a lesbian woman. I was unprepared to deal with this at that time, although I don't think it would bother me now. In my darkest hours, I would repeat those three questions, asking myself if I believed my husband could have tried anything else, or tried any harder than he did - and I knew he could not change. I WANTED him to change, I PRAYED that God would intervene, but honestly, I knew we were stuck with the outcome we had.
That led me to the 3rd question, and I imagined that we could never be enemies. I wanted us to remain friends, close, and respecting and honoring the 30 years we'd spent together raising our family, in ministry, and with me as a happy wife in a happy family. I was understanding as we went along that my husband had been alone, hurting, all those years, and that he hid it VERY WELL. I sympathized with that situation, since I was so very alone once I knew he was gay. I could do nothing else besides understand from his point of view.
The next counselor I tried was suggested to me by a lawyer. I saw her, she listened to me, and then she evaluated the situation: "It sounds like you two love one another, and perhaps you could allow one another to have outside sexual relationships, staying married." I sat quietly and listend, got upset, paid my bill, and left. To me, to have a sexual relationship with someone I didn't love, was something I couldn't accept. And I thought that if my husband did, I would collapse. I rejected that counselor and her "solution" to my problem.
3rd time is the charm, right? Not so much! The 3rd counselor, who I saw on the advice of my family doctor, was familiar with my mom AND my husband (I didn't know she would know him.) When I told her, "I'm falling apart because my husband is gay, and I don't know how to cope..." this person spent the rest of MY HOUR mostly telling me of her relative who came out, left his wife, then regretted it. She didn't think my husband should come out (contrary to the recommendations of the American Psychological Assn.) and I believe she was wrong to reveal anything about her relative at ALL! Again, I paid my bill and never went back.
I was losing hope, not knowing where to get help, and finally I accidentally came across someone who helped me. This PROFESSIONAL spoke to me on the phone, and I realized she knew what to do: Accept that my husband was gay, that he wanted to be honest, that he wanted to come out, and that I was losing everything. She began by meeting with each of us, separately as well as individually, and she built up my hope that I could be okay. She didn't bash our life that we'd had - she treated us both with respect. She recognized that although we loved one another, that we would both be better off if we were no longer married to one another. This counselor guided me, supported me, and helped me navigate at each step along the way. When I was alone and needed to talk, she listened for hours. When my ex had moved away and we were living separately, and I realized he was dating men, (like I thought he wouldn't?) she reminded me that "there will never be another Mrs. [...]" When I cried that I was lonely, she reminded me that I had my children, and how much my husband had loved me, to NOT go with men while we were married. When I thought I could never rebuild my faith, she shared hers. My beliefs changed, were reformed, and it gave me hope for the future. Time and time again, she helped me.
I had to go through 3 counselors before I found one that was right for me. I thank God for Dr. Jane, and I will always thank and respect her, love her, and hold her in the highest esteem.
I'm not sure if this is what you want...but it's my story of the counselor who was my lifesaver. I would be glad to talk with you more if you have questions.
I have copied the comments that I left, and perhaps others will share what helped for them.
Hi Carol,
Within one week of my husband's disclosure that he was gay, we went together to a counselor that he had talked with, but briefly. She asked me 3 questions:
1-How do you feel about being here?
2-Do you believe that Ray could be "healed" or changed if he prayed more, or harder?
3-What do you think is the best long-term outcome for the future?
At the time, I didn't feel like this counselor was the right one for me, and mostly it was because I knew she was a lesbian woman. I was unprepared to deal with this at that time, although I don't think it would bother me now. In my darkest hours, I would repeat those three questions, asking myself if I believed my husband could have tried anything else, or tried any harder than he did - and I knew he could not change. I WANTED him to change, I PRAYED that God would intervene, but honestly, I knew we were stuck with the outcome we had.
That led me to the 3rd question, and I imagined that we could never be enemies. I wanted us to remain friends, close, and respecting and honoring the 30 years we'd spent together raising our family, in ministry, and with me as a happy wife in a happy family. I was understanding as we went along that my husband had been alone, hurting, all those years, and that he hid it VERY WELL. I sympathized with that situation, since I was so very alone once I knew he was gay. I could do nothing else besides understand from his point of view.
The next counselor I tried was suggested to me by a lawyer. I saw her, she listened to me, and then she evaluated the situation: "It sounds like you two love one another, and perhaps you could allow one another to have outside sexual relationships, staying married." I sat quietly and listend, got upset, paid my bill, and left. To me, to have a sexual relationship with someone I didn't love, was something I couldn't accept. And I thought that if my husband did, I would collapse. I rejected that counselor and her "solution" to my problem.
3rd time is the charm, right? Not so much! The 3rd counselor, who I saw on the advice of my family doctor, was familiar with my mom AND my husband (I didn't know she would know him.) When I told her, "I'm falling apart because my husband is gay, and I don't know how to cope..." this person spent the rest of MY HOUR mostly telling me of her relative who came out, left his wife, then regretted it. She didn't think my husband should come out (contrary to the recommendations of the American Psychological Assn.) and I believe she was wrong to reveal anything about her relative at ALL! Again, I paid my bill and never went back.
I was losing hope, not knowing where to get help, and finally I accidentally came across someone who helped me. This PROFESSIONAL spoke to me on the phone, and I realized she knew what to do: Accept that my husband was gay, that he wanted to be honest, that he wanted to come out, and that I was losing everything. She began by meeting with each of us, separately as well as individually, and she built up my hope that I could be okay. She didn't bash our life that we'd had - she treated us both with respect. She recognized that although we loved one another, that we would both be better off if we were no longer married to one another. This counselor guided me, supported me, and helped me navigate at each step along the way. When I was alone and needed to talk, she listened for hours. When my ex had moved away and we were living separately, and I realized he was dating men, (like I thought he wouldn't?) she reminded me that "there will never be another Mrs. [...]" When I cried that I was lonely, she reminded me that I had my children, and how much my husband had loved me, to NOT go with men while we were married. When I thought I could never rebuild my faith, she shared hers. My beliefs changed, were reformed, and it gave me hope for the future. Time and time again, she helped me.
I had to go through 3 counselors before I found one that was right for me. I thank God for Dr. Jane, and I will always thank and respect her, love her, and hold her in the highest esteem.
I'm not sure if this is what you want...but it's my story of the counselor who was my lifesaver. I would be glad to talk with you more if you have questions.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Gay husband? No, thank you.
I read with interest this entry on Box Turtle Bulletin: The Denial of Alan Chambers. Alan Chambers is the executive director of Exodus International, and he has a new book, "Leaving Homosexuality." Although I have not read his book, and I don't know Mr. Chambers, I feel it is in the interest of straight wives to draw attention to the following "confession," here:
Now, please, does this sound like the kind of husband any straight woman would want to keep? No, thank you.
As much as one might love their gay spouse, it does nothing to know that your husband is in his own world of self-denial just to make love to you! Even the level of emotional intimacy will be shallow, no matter how much effort is put forth. It just isn't fair to the straight spouse OR the gay person. To live with the idea that one is in continual, daily, self-denial might be martyrdom to some, but it is not honest, loving, or freeing, nor is it anything but desperation to try to be something and someone that you're not.
For straight spouses, for any pre-married gals who are considering marrying a gay man, I am telling you: DON'T! Run away!
If you are a "struggling" gay or lesbian, and you think that marrying your best friend will make you straight, do the right thing and call it off. Show love that is real, and don't cause the heartbreak of a marriage, the heartbreak of someone who unknowingly is walking into something they can't change or fix.
To Alan Chambers: Please change your slogan of "Change is possible." Please don't continue to offer this false hope. YOU are damaging lives.
When I was first starting out in ministry and sharing my testimony, I often heard the comment from gay individuals and activists, “You’re just in denial, Alan.” That comment always incensed me because it seemed to negate my message and intelligence. However, as I began to pray about it, I realized that we, as Christians, are indeed called to a life of denial, and as such I should not despise something the Lord commands of me nor should I get angry when someone calls me on it. Those who reject the concept of self-denial haven’t reaped the joys that result from it.
…Every day for more than a decade, I have made denial, as Jesus taught in this verse, the major focus of my morning prayer time. I am keenly aware that I am prone to blowing it in this area of my life and am, therefore, in desperate need of help. … And you know what? I love my life of denial.
Now, please, does this sound like the kind of husband any straight woman would want to keep? No, thank you.
As much as one might love their gay spouse, it does nothing to know that your husband is in his own world of self-denial just to make love to you! Even the level of emotional intimacy will be shallow, no matter how much effort is put forth. It just isn't fair to the straight spouse OR the gay person. To live with the idea that one is in continual, daily, self-denial might be martyrdom to some, but it is not honest, loving, or freeing, nor is it anything but desperation to try to be something and someone that you're not.
For straight spouses, for any pre-married gals who are considering marrying a gay man, I am telling you: DON'T! Run away!
If you are a "struggling" gay or lesbian, and you think that marrying your best friend will make you straight, do the right thing and call it off. Show love that is real, and don't cause the heartbreak of a marriage, the heartbreak of someone who unknowingly is walking into something they can't change or fix.
To Alan Chambers: Please change your slogan of "Change is possible." Please don't continue to offer this false hope. YOU are damaging lives.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Snake oil solutions
Communications with readers is an interesting task. I love to hear from many of you, and with some people I am making friends. With some others I decide to not communicate further. I try to decide what comments to allow or reject, and it is totally subjective on my part. Honest questioning is allowed. Anonymous posts are allowed. But I will not allow anonymous posts that make claims that say that change of sexual orientation is possible. There are already enough sites where ex-gays may state those hopes, and for me, I just don't think it is valid.
This week an online friend said to me:
I take this seriously, because sometimes I wonder if I take too much time to write and monitor the blog, and I ask myself if I'm too involved with GLBT issues. I acknowledged to this friend that I needed to consider my focus, evaluating what I do.
I know that blogs made such a difference and HELP in my life since 4 years ago, and I feel that it's important to make the new connections that I am making. I LIKE that, and I feel it's important. It has meant a difference in going forward to make new friends, and many of those I've made online, then later, in person. When so many of my formerly close friends don't or won't understand, it has been critical to make new ones! So, I don't just defend my former husband. I'm defending MY life, validating it, and finding support with new friends.
From an anonymous writer, who has written to me several (at least 8, maybe more) times, one of his messages said this:
I replied to his e-mail with this:
Yes, I hear defensiveness in my reply. However, I hear from many gay/lesbian married people, saying that they truly love their spouse, but that they are not able to share the intimacy (emotional connectedness, if you will) demanded in a marriage. This is due to the fact that they are critically wired differently, and it causes intense overload to their system. It's not that they are selfish, it's that they are self-preserving. To not recognize this on my part was to cause even more harm, both to my husband, and ultimately to myself.
As much as I wanted things to be different, I could not return to something that didn't exist. I could never again believe that I was the first choice. That is very hard to accept, but it is how I feel. I still, though, refuse to throw away the good memories. And if that seems defensive on my part, so be it.
In my search for help after I found out my husband was gay, I tried to find other straight spouses. Many were very angry for how their gay spouse behaved - and they were absolutely justified in their anger. Many saw that they'd been lied to and felt deceived, and they resented it. The despair in not knowing what to do is sometimes overwhelming. A lot of us straight spouses feel terribly overwhelmed, without the words to describe the pain we are going through. These are just PARTS of the ordeal that straight spouses face. Added are the questions one has to face about faith, self-worth and value, money problems, children, legal issues, health concerns, and all the day-to-day, ongoing problems of living. And then you hope - hope - hope - that there is a solution. And you will try just about any snake-oil product on the market. And reality sets in that there is nothing you can do, nothing you can change, nothing but to accept the truth.
Along the way I have considered every possible solution. If I had turned over one in my mind, I've pursued another. And every "solution" brings me back to this reality: I know the truth. I know the truth about Ray. I know the truth that he tried everything to change. I know the truth about our life. And, yes, I will defend what I know.
I now have had over four years to deal with this, but only recently have been able to express the feelings that I've gone through. Some of the feelings and plenty of the opinions have been simmering for most of that time, and I am now finally putting forth what I've processed.
Every time someone tries to tell me that they changed, or that they know some secret way to change, it is like pushing me down some dark, basement stairs in a dream that I can't wake up from. It is like holding out candy for a baby, then taking it away. I don't want to do that to people. Not to another wife, not to another spouse.
In closing this long post I want to be perfectly clear: I will not hold out false hope for "change." I know some still want to try, and that is fine. I am not for breaking up marriages, and I still wish things were different. For couples who opt for various arrangements, those are not options for me.
Thanks for your comments and e-mails, as they mean a lot to me. (I might even post some for the heck of it!) Thanks for reading!
This week an online friend said to me:
I don't even know you and I worry about you. It seems from your blog that you are so focused on defending your ex-husband. Which is ok. But taking care of yourself is important too.
I take this seriously, because sometimes I wonder if I take too much time to write and monitor the blog, and I ask myself if I'm too involved with GLBT issues. I acknowledged to this friend that I needed to consider my focus, evaluating what I do.
I know that blogs made such a difference and HELP in my life since 4 years ago, and I feel that it's important to make the new connections that I am making. I LIKE that, and I feel it's important. It has meant a difference in going forward to make new friends, and many of those I've made online, then later, in person. When so many of my formerly close friends don't or won't understand, it has been critical to make new ones! So, I don't just defend my former husband. I'm defending MY life, validating it, and finding support with new friends.
From an anonymous writer, who has written to me several (at least 8, maybe more) times, one of his messages said this:
I entreat you to email me regarding the biology of sexual orientation. Orientation can be in some cases quite fluid and in some cases not. There is a genetic basis for this. I am ex-gay but I do not foist my opinions on my gay brothers. I cannot determine who can and who can't change with a simple glance. However, biology does indeed not preordain sexual orientation. Email me at ***************** if you want to hear more. I've changed but Ray doesn't have to.
And yes, I am happily married with a son with special needs. I cannot and will not leave the side of my wife and my child. There is too much at stake in my son's precious life.
I replied to his e-mail with this:
Hello ***** (and by this time, he had given me his name, but I've omitted it),
I have received all of your messages, and I have also decided to reject your comments that assert that gay/lesbian people can change their orientation. If it were true, that would be great, but for Ray it was not possible. I know there is nothing in the world that would have caused Ray to leave MY side, and your repeated assertions don't make it any easier.
It is my position that to tell people, most of whom cannot change their basic sexual orientation, that they can change, is to do them a disservice. If you have such information, then by all means, submit it to the medical and psychological authorities, so that they may help people.
If you left homosexual behavior and are happily married to a straight woman, then I hope that you are fully up front with her, and I would hope that she knew the truth about your sexual orientation before you married. So many straight spouses hold out hope that their loved one is not really gay, that they might be bi-sexual, or have a sexual addiction, or some other not-so-gay problem, and it causes more pain, of which you may have heard.
Maybe you think that you can solve this, but we have sought professional help. We are doing the best we can with this difficult situation. I do not see a need to seek your advice. Although you think you are being kind, this is not something we want to pursue with you.
Yes, I hear defensiveness in my reply. However, I hear from many gay/lesbian married people, saying that they truly love their spouse, but that they are not able to share the intimacy (emotional connectedness, if you will) demanded in a marriage. This is due to the fact that they are critically wired differently, and it causes intense overload to their system. It's not that they are selfish, it's that they are self-preserving. To not recognize this on my part was to cause even more harm, both to my husband, and ultimately to myself.
As much as I wanted things to be different, I could not return to something that didn't exist. I could never again believe that I was the first choice. That is very hard to accept, but it is how I feel. I still, though, refuse to throw away the good memories. And if that seems defensive on my part, so be it.
In my search for help after I found out my husband was gay, I tried to find other straight spouses. Many were very angry for how their gay spouse behaved - and they were absolutely justified in their anger. Many saw that they'd been lied to and felt deceived, and they resented it. The despair in not knowing what to do is sometimes overwhelming. A lot of us straight spouses feel terribly overwhelmed, without the words to describe the pain we are going through. These are just PARTS of the ordeal that straight spouses face. Added are the questions one has to face about faith, self-worth and value, money problems, children, legal issues, health concerns, and all the day-to-day, ongoing problems of living. And then you hope - hope - hope - that there is a solution. And you will try just about any snake-oil product on the market. And reality sets in that there is nothing you can do, nothing you can change, nothing but to accept the truth.
Along the way I have considered every possible solution. If I had turned over one in my mind, I've pursued another. And every "solution" brings me back to this reality: I know the truth. I know the truth about Ray. I know the truth that he tried everything to change. I know the truth about our life. And, yes, I will defend what I know.
I now have had over four years to deal with this, but only recently have been able to express the feelings that I've gone through. Some of the feelings and plenty of the opinions have been simmering for most of that time, and I am now finally putting forth what I've processed.
Every time someone tries to tell me that they changed, or that they know some secret way to change, it is like pushing me down some dark, basement stairs in a dream that I can't wake up from. It is like holding out candy for a baby, then taking it away. I don't want to do that to people. Not to another wife, not to another spouse.
In closing this long post I want to be perfectly clear: I will not hold out false hope for "change." I know some still want to try, and that is fine. I am not for breaking up marriages, and I still wish things were different. For couples who opt for various arrangements, those are not options for me.
Thanks for your comments and e-mails, as they mean a lot to me. (I might even post some for the heck of it!) Thanks for reading!
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