Your spouse just came out as gay . Now what do you do?

Getting asked "I'm married and I'm gay.  What should I do?" or, "My husband is gay...What should I do?" are two of the hardest questions I am asked.  Sometimes it's a married and closeted gay man, and sometimes it's from a wife who is straight, newly learning her husband is gay.  I've met wonderful people on both sides of this question, and I'm not convinced there is only one right answer. 

Multiple books are devoted to how others have solved their questions. (see insert below)  Counselors address authentic living and self-acceptance.  Fundamentalists insist that there ARE "no homosexuals, only heterosexuals - with issues."  (my own punctuation for emphasis).  Bloggers share their viewpoints and offer free advice.  Needless to say, I cannot answer for anyone else besides myself, but I've tried to share my heartfelt emotions (on MY blog) as I've adjusted to the fact that I loved and married a gay man.   So far, I don't have a book to sell.  I only have my life and my opinions, and even those are subject to change.   

When I'm asked that desperate question of "...what should I DO?" - I wonder how my answer will affect people.  I've discovered that others will come to different conclusions than me.  I've talked to couples who recognize that one partner is gay and they want to work things out and stay together monogamously.  Others decide to open their marriage - and yes, some can do that and deal with the emotions that come with new definitions of marriage.  Still others divorce, whether it's with contempt of with ongoing friendship.  The choices are all new when a couple examines the value of staying together versus separating.

One thing that I believe is that once there is loss of trust in the relationship, re-establishing that trust is going to take time and effort.  It may be that being gay was hidden from an unknowing spouse.   It can extend to horrible unfaithfulness (and the lies that go with it) that break down the framework of married life.  No matter where it is lost, trusting one another again is critical to go forward.  And whether it's trusting a partner enough to honestly "come out" or proving trust is there enough to raise young children together - whatever the situation - deciding what to do is going to take all the "good emotions" that you might not know you had:  love, patience, trust, acceptance, honesty, generosity.  And that's just the short list, and it goes for both partners.

So far, I've been one of the lucky ones.  I've come through divorce with my own home, grown kids, and the ability to choose whether to go back to work.  Some women have young kids, or never have the chance to have kids.  Some wives lose their home, and others have to find ways to support themselves from the ground up.  Sure, there is a lot that I miss.  On the other hand, I don't have to cook or clean after anyone but myself.  I come and go as I please, and I never argue with myself over money!  (keep it positive!)  Yes, I've lost a lot, but I've discovered a lot of self-confidence.  My shaken faith is re-building.  I've learned to accept others without judging (on-going effort), and I have some true friends that I can't do without.  Through this all, I still have my best friend.

So, really, What to DO when one spouse is gay, remains something only you can answer.  My advice?  Be honest.  Live with authenticity.  Decide how you want to live, and what is most important.  Finally, let the good emotions prevail. 

You really want to be my facebook friend? Here ya go...

Hi (potential fb friend),

How cool are you?  On facebook, no less!  I got your friend request, and you should know that I share some pretty controversial topics and articles, mostly in the hope that it will stretch some minds and hearts.  I'm very gay-affirming, as I realized when Ray disclosed that he was gay that he didn't choose that.  He was born with the unique make-up that God gave him, and although he tried his best, it never changed or went away. 

Ray and I were stuck with a very difficult choice to face that fact, and I know that no amount of prayer or effort would ever make him straight.  He has always lived a good life, and he was a good husband and dad.  I have nothing against him AT ALL.  Although it has brought great pain to my life, I know that God orchestrated our lives, not any choice that Ray made. 

If that is okay with you, I will be glad to add you as a friend.  It's not open for dispute, just so you know how I feel.  Still want to add me? 

hugs,
Carol

Emens Auditorium

I tried to take a nap today - just to catch up on some lost nights of sleep lately.  It didn't happen, as I heard my cell phone ring and I got up to answer it.  My friend, Laurie, had an extra ticket to a show, "In the Mood," playing at Emens Auditorium.  I figured it would be fun, and I've been wanting to attend some of the local shows, but haven't bought tickets.  Laurie's extra ticket would be fun!

What I didn't prepare for was the feeling of deja vu as I walked along the dark sidewalk from the parking garage to the auditorium.  Tonight traffic was backed up as drivers let off their riders close to the front of Emens, and I recalled a few years ago - when Ray was singing there, and no one had planned for the traffic.  You see, playing Emens here in town is a "big deal" and it's like the Horatio Alger stories, or "small town boy makes good."  And although there were several times when Ray played there, I remember that first time, when the traffic was all over the place, when the staff was taken aback by the crowd that turned out for a big night - when Ray Boltz, local boy, packed out the hall. 

I remember getting to be backstage, and I was used to being backstage for other events, other venues and halls.  But this was Emens, and lots of friends and fans were there.  I recall peeking out from the side curtains - It was like they all came for a party I was throwing!  I felt like the hostess for the concert, and I was so proud of Ray.   I always told the kids (we had 4, and their ages were spread out by 10 years) that they had to be good, that they were to act and dress appropriately.  No kids of ours were going to be showing off (although they did) or embarrassing me (and yes, sometimes they did).  I remember the guys in the band, the catered meal, and the dressing rooms (awfully small). I even remember when I wore some crazy red shoes to one of the concerts, and it looked so dumb in the photos I saw afterward. 

All these memories and more came to mind as I walked up to the box office, took my seat in the turquoise-blue theater seats, and waited for the lights to dim.  And I wondered, "Would they let Ray play now?  Who'd come to hear him sing his songs now?  Who of all those people would want a photo?  Who would hear what God has to say through him now?"  I would.  I'd go, and I'd still be proud of Ray, still be his support and his friend.

Sometimes during the concert tonight it was hard not to recall the hall being FULL those times when Ray Boltz played Emens!   Who knows?  Maybe it will happen again, but if not, I think I will always feel those deja vu moments, and remember...

Swilley’s story: A gay pastor, his wife, and a deeper ministry

This is a story that deserves to be told! The Swilleys seem to have a way with words that I can't express, so I will simply link to their story. Thank God for people willing to come forward with the truth. Bless your hearts, Jim and Debye Swilley.


Swilley’s story: A gay pastor, his wife, and a deeper ministry

Deep thoughts from a shallow mind: It Gets Better

Deep thoughts from a shallow mind: It Gets Better

My good friend, Tim, posted this today. While I don't want to appear self-serving, he and Cindy were the first of the very few of my friends who are willing to be openly supportive of GLBT people. More are appearing, but the Morris family have been my dear and wonderful friends. Their actions are what speak to me and to others, and I'm so proud of all their efforts.

Emily, especially, has led at her school to stand up for the questioning and gay kids, as well as band together the allies who are affirming. She is only 15, but she amazes me and makes me proud. She is one that is helping to make things better.

Tim, Cindy, and Emily - I'm so happy that you are my friends, making each day better. love to you all!