a welcome, positive change of heart from an old friend

I have been slow to post lately, but even some of my family think I'm way to pre-occupied with "other things." I just need to work really hard to catch up with e-mails and do a blog entry so that you all don't forget me!

Yesterday I got a very welcome facebook message, from a friend I used to attend church with. She and I ended up talking on the phone, and she gave me permission to share her e-mail. Not only was she involved in a cultish church that I also attended (35 years ago), but she also unknowingly married a gay man (and she is straight). Fortunately she is getting the support she needs these days, and her message really was a lift to me when I got it. I will use it here:

Hi Carol,

I am not sure if you remember me. I use to go to GFT. I am [someone I know's] oldest daughter. I got caught up in the craziness of Ferris Miller's group and have been putting my life back together. It has been an interesting and humbling journey. My world view has radically changed on almost ever subject. I am currently enrolled in college with the long term goal to go into the mental health field specializing in trauma. I have have been networking with the International Cultic Studies Association and started working on a book about my own journey into a biblical base cult and recovery called, Stepping through the looking glass; a survivors guide to understanding cults, domestic violence and other adverse environments. My priest lent me a book that helped me totally change my view on the issues individuals who are gay face.( When I go to church, which is rare I go to an Episcopalian church. I like the fact everyone is welcome and people can be openly who they are.) I would like to volunteer some time to an organization that is an advocacy or support to those facing the challenges society forces them to deal with when a person is gay. I do not have the idea of love the sinner not the sin. I simply have the idea of love...love every one. My former husband is gay but is a very homophobic about his orientation. His own struggles was a component of the abuse I faced. I am heart broken [former husband's name] could never be honest about his own struggle in a judgment free environment. Miller's solutions only made everything worse. Right now I am recovering from abuse issues from domestic violence so volunteering in that area is too close to home. However, I do want to do something for someone else. I read the article of Ray's coming out. It was a beautiful testament to your love and compassion. After years of being in Ferris's group I did not think there were people who actually loved and cared they way you and your family does. The article did a great deal towards restoring something in my own life. Thank you for your courage in allowing a very personal story to be told so publicly. I have seen the hate that so many in the church can be a part of and witnessed first hands the abuse of religion. I am just one person putting my life together who would like to extent any kind of help to a cause that is helping others live a meaningful exsistance. If you could make any recommendations I would appreciate it . I heard that you are involved in some organizations and was hoping you could make some suggestions.Thank you for taking a moment to read my email. I look foreword to hearing back from you. You, Ray and your family are in my thoughts often. I respect and admire all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This is the kind of change that really IS possible! Thanks for sharing :)

Some say that Christians don't really hate gay people. What do you think?

I don't make it up. They really are mean. Here's a sample from earlier this week. Just saying...

From: James *******
Email: r***********@gmail.com

Comments: Ray,

You should get a gun and shot yourself in the head. Its sick people like you who really need to read the word of God. You should also give back the Dove Awards because you dont deserve the accolades of success.

____________________________________________________________________________________

From: IHMS
Email: ************@hotmail.com

Comments: I will be praying for you, but until you come to the knowledge of the truth, I will as a matter of principle get rid of all your music.

Christian Author

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: John ********
Email: **************@yahoo.com

Comments: I am so ashamed of you, not as an artist, because most artists are not good representatvies of Jesus Christ anyways, but as a well known Christian. You cannot look at homosexuality in light of the Bible and say that it is not sin. In Romans and Corinthians, it is mentioned as sin, and is listed as an abomination worth destroying cities in the Old Testament.
I understand if you have a problem, but I believe that you know the difference. Just because a person is addicted to drugs, doesn\'t mean that it is ok. If you\'re addicted to homosexuality, then you need spiritual help. You have done more to destroy Moral values in Christianity than any other person that I have ever heard or seen. For someone to sing the great songs that you sung in the 80\'s and 90\'s, and now to be an open homosexual is a slap in the face to the one that died for you. I am praying that you will repent, and may God have mercy on you.

____________________________________________________________________________________

From: K M
Email: **************@aol.com


Comments: RAY,
YOU can rationalize all you want about coming out. But, in the end it affect\'s your wife, your children, your mother , your father. Let me know how your family is in 10 years by the decision you made today. Love in Christ, KM

One year since Ray came out

Yesterday I realized it had been one year to the day since Ray came out publicly. What a year it's been. First off, there was one after another supportive e-mails to the website. That was within the first few hours. Then the FLOOD of, "I can't believe it...", "I'm so disappointed...", and, "How could Ray have chosen the gay lifestyle...?". I began to make some folders for the different responses. These folders were 1) Supportive, 2) Non-supportive, 3) Oddly supportive. Sub-folders under the non-supportive ones were a) Stupid, and b) Downright mean. I have 1000s of each type, and I keep getting them all the time.

But what are the real, personal changes that have occurred since LAST Sept. 12?

For one, I could finally walk in the open! I was no longer closeted! I always had felt I did nothing to be ashamed of, and I could now hold my head high and not worry about what people knew or didn't know. If I wanted to, I could be open about my life and my family (including Ray, if it was pertinent).

Two, I started being open online. I started this blog. And through the blog, I began to make contacts with other wives, ex-wives, husbands and ex-husbands, who knew FIRST-HAND what it was like to have a GLBT spouse. I often hear from both sides, and I sympathize with them all. Many married in hope that they would be "healed" or "fixed" from gay feelings, along with real love for their spouses, only to realize sooner or later that they were still gay. Lives, entwined with family obligations, became tangled and hurt. It's amazing how these online connections not only help to know, "I'm not alone," for us all, but how widespread mixed-orientation marriages really are.

Thirdly, I am now an outspoken advocate for gay rights. I don't have to be a silent partner in the work to end religious discrimination against GLBTQs. Outside of the religious network of churches, there really is a growing acceptance of gay people, and so work within our churches is essential. I want to be able to continue speaking up on behalf of ALL gay folk, and I do not have anything to apologize for.

When I make new friends these days, they know within a short while of knowing me, that I'm supportive and affirming of ALL gay people. If they don't agree or can't see it like I do, then they have to decide if I'm still worth their friendship. I'm making new friends these days, and if they aren't at the very least WELCOMING of GLBTs, then they probably won't be in my close circle of friends. My life can't be closed off any more, and I won't be silent.

Also, my kids now have the freedom to mention their dad, and they do, without shame. They can openly be proud of their dad and all he's done and who he is: Their DAD! They don't have to make excuses, and can speak up as being the close family that they are. No secrets keep them hemming and hawing about anything. They love and respect their dad, and are not restricted by trying to cover up any part of their lives.

All together, I think it is generally known how I feel. 'Nuff sed.

Today I heard from another straight wife, who found out earlier this year that her husband has been secretly sexually active with other men for the past 4 years. My heart aches for her and what she's enduring. To make it all worse, she was court-ordered to keep silent. That means she can't talk with her grown sons, her divorce-care group, or her friends. I don't even know if that is legal! How awful to have to bear this with a "gag order" imposed that puts her into the dark, silent closet. What a wrong thing, even if it's legal. There's healing in honesty, and this woman needs to be able to openly say what she needs to say, in order to begin her healing. She hopes to someday be openly affirming as well. Kudos to her!

Openness and honesty is freeing, and it's life-changing when we have information that makes such a difference. For me, being out of the closet is much better. My life is worth sharing, ALL of it. I'm who I am. Ray's who he is. My kids have a gay dad - that's that!

It's been a big year for the Boltz family! Yeah for being OUT!

Gay Straight Alliance forming in small town

In many midwestern towns, there is often no accepting, much less affirming group for GLBT-Q kids to socialize and feel that they belong. Gay Straight Alliance is just such a group. In my neighboring county (Jay Co.) several of my friends have become visibly supportive of a group of students who want to start a GSA of their own. I'm SO enthused and thrilled that these young people are trying to affect others and open the hearts and minds of their fellow students.

Unfortunately, it's causing a rumble throughout the community, and my friends are being vilified for their efforts. My friends, Tim and Cindy Morris, are wonderful folks, as well as their daughter, Emily. This family is basically my first and only local, long-time friends, and support, and for over two years have been enduring rejection from THEIR church (The Rock) and community. (Fortunately they found another welcoming church, in which they are very pleased and involved.)

Tim has a blog, and he's on facebook. He gets "hate mail," and he keeps pushing forward in spite of it. It's not been their history to be the "bad guys" in the neighborhood, and this lack of understanding, as well as the messages can be wearing.

If you will, can you read Tim's blog, and maybe drop him a note of encouragement? These friends are the best, and I know many of my readers would like to send out good vibes Tim and Cindy's way. Thanks!

Ally and Advocate for Gay rights: Changing the World

I want to address exactly why I am involved with gay rights, and specifically with Soulforce. I've been questioned directly through e-mails, criticized in some blogs, and even wondered at by my brother-in-law. He just doesn't understand how I can be supportive of gay rights, when "they" have such "sinful ways," as well as the hurt I have been through. Why wouldn't I be against gay rights? I want to give some answers.

First of all, I do NOT hold to the idea that being gay is a sin. It is a sexual orientation, a preference for emotional and physical intimacy. Being gay is not a choice, and like everyone, we should all be thankful for our gifts and God-given origins.

There is so much discrimination against GLBTQs, and most of it is based on religion. As a Christian, I believe that Jesus showed us how to love others as we love ourselves, and I think that should include loving those who have been rejected by our churches. He said, "By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you have love one toward another." I believe in practicing that, and I DO have to practice over and over, because I sometimes (often) fail. Still it is my goal to show and live in the spirit of love.

Since I believe in loving others, it is only natural that I stand up with those who are also standing, and some might not even be able to stand. I'm standing for them until they can stand up too.

And then there is the very personal side...Having been married for over 30 years to Ray, I had a very loving and happy life. Some have even called it a "fairy tale," but it surely was a rags-to-riches story of Horatio Alger proportions. Ray wrote songs that were loved by others, yet the listeners never knew the heart of the writer. I loved that man, and he loved me as well as a gay man could. Ray was a good father, and he loved his kids. I never felt un-loved and I never was disrespected.

When Ray came out, it wasn't with a plan. He had not lived a double life, and the depression he was experiencing was nearly suicidal. As we talked in the days, weeks, and months following, the path did not show itself easily. I prayed for answers, but I knew Ray had prayed his entire life for a solution. It had not come, and as much as I prayed for "just THIS one" to be supernaturally changed from gay to straight, I realized that there was no good solution to the problem: Ray is gay, and I'm not. This I also knew: We had had a good life, and we loved each other.

Questions that I asked of God were rampant in those early times. Prayers were continual. Nightmares were awful. Often my thoughts swirled through my head wondering the purpose of it all - How could God, who knew Ray through and through, and knew ME through and through, have put us together for this to be the way we ended?

Finally, by connecting with blogs, books, and internet sites, I started to reach out to others who understood. I found Peterson, Christine Bakke, and I also found Soulforce. I read the "Letters to Dr. Dobson," and the story told by Mary Lou Wallner. I began to understand that gay folk are just the same as straights, and that the cause of gay rights was active and getting louder. My new friends were supportive, loving and a help to me! I wanted to get involved so that my voice could be heard, and my body would stand on the front lines for Equality for all!

In addition to realizing that there were untruths that had been told me in the church about gay people, I saw the exclusion and rejection that was prevalent in every church I'd ever gone to. I understood what it had been like for someone like Ray to be told they were un-saveable, unacceptable to God, and doomed for life as well as in death. What hope could they have? I changed, and I wanted to make changes. I wanted to be a voice to correct the lies that are told every day in fundamentalist churches.

These days, it is not for my rights that I participate with Soulforce. It is for the RIGHT thing to do! There are so many people, and I hear from them, who are in jobs that they could loose because it's still legal (in many states) to fire people who are openly gay/lesbian. Equal Rights don't exist for GLBTQs for marriage, adoption, or to protect them from hate crimes. There are mixed-orientation marriages taking place, where heartache is either evident or looming in the future. There are gay people who are in Christian churches (and other religious groups) being told that they can pray the gay away if they marry a good spouse. Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Trans/Queer and Questioning people are feeling self-hate and church rejection because of the untruths that are spread by way of the churches that they love. Suicides are happening because GLBTQs feel that they have no hope!

To END ALL THESE THINGS, I am an ally for change! To END ALL THESE THINGS, I am standing for the truth!

I've been questioned this way: Aren't you too defensive of Ray? If it hadn't been for Ray, would you have been standing up on behalf of gay rights? My answer is, "No. If it hadn't happened to someone I love, I would never have understood." (read here, where I address that question more thoroughly.)

So it is with a LOT of personal reasons I put myself in the middle of Equality Rights. I entered this without a plan myself, but I found myself having to grow and learn. These days I have one. I'm doing all I can to support those affected by the issues of GLBTQs as well as the families connected to them. I hope to be a voice of reason as well as a voice of love. I know I've had to change, and I hope I can change the world.