When to share, when to be quiet.

When is the right time to come out? I don't know the answer for GLBTs, but for an ally, I need to use discretion when it comes to when to speak up. Although there can be times when I want to shout in the direction of those who don't understand, there is also time to soft-pedal my thoughts.

One of my goals is to influence others. I want to open the minds and hearts of fundamentalist Christians, as well as other people, to accept gay people as equals. I figure if I have been one to change my viewpoint, having been unknowingly married to a gay man who came out, perhaps others will recognize this is something worth a new evaluation. Because the fundamentalists so frequently dismiss anyone who doesn't accept their theological views, I find it important to get along, so far as I can. Seems that there is always someone who wants to debate online, or sometimes you get stand-offishness in a group, but I have to decide when and what to say.

This past Sunday I was asked by a very sweet couple from church, to go out to eat. Because I rarely get invited, I thought, why not? Conversation was polite, and these folks are genuinely concerned for both me and my family. The Mr. is an influential person in the congregation, and because I've always liked their extended family, I decided to not be confrontational. I think that was a good choice - this time. I hope for future listening and sharing with people like this.

Other times I speak up immediately, especially when I have the time to discuss issues and there is time on both parts to listen. Not just hear the words, but listen. At a 4th of July event last weekend, I was pleased to talk with another straight spouse. He had not read much on the "other side," and we could identify with each other's situation even though he comes from a fundamentalist church, and there were others nearby that probably knew that the two of us had common ground to discuss. (Both our situations are somewhat "out.") I openly expressed that I had come to know that being gay is not a choice, and that I supported GLBTs. I know he was surprised, and I recommended several resources that I thought would be interesting and/or helpful.

When there is debate going on, I can merely share my own story, my own views. I'm not good at debating theology, although I know many who are, and I cheer them on. I usually refer these opponents to gay rights to books already written, and ask them to listen to gay people's stories. That is what helped me, and it's my hope that others will tell their stories openly, when they know the time is right, and that they will be understood. Rarely do we change by making someone say, "Uncle," and, like my former mom-in-law says, "you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."

What are effective means that others have had, in order to share and get across your viewpoints? Can you post them? I'd love to know better ways to influence others and help the cause.

Connecting with Straight Spouse Network, Soulforce BoD, Beyond Ex-gay

It's been nearly four and a half years since my then-husband came out to me and our four kids. The shock and awe I felt was beyond words, but I did a couple things right away. One of them was to read the book, "Stranger at the Gate," and I googled the name of the author, Mel White. In my searches I found Straight Spouse Network,and I read the book by Amity Pierce Buxton, "The Other Side of the Closet." I found the blog of Peterson Toscano, and I began to glimpse something other than what I'd been taught in church: gay and Christian were not impossible! Peterson teamed with Christine Bakke to start the online support called BEYOND EX-GAY.

All these resources were critical in my finding my way out of the incorrect view that being gay was a choice. I'm still not sure which ones had the most influence, but I appreciate and value each one.

Recently I was asked to serve on the Board of Directors of Soulforce, and I gladly accepted. This organization was co-founded by Mel White and Gary Nixon. The mission of Soulforce is to work through nonviolent direct action to bring about the end of religious and political oppression of GLBTQ people. I'm proud of the work they are doing, and I'm very pleased to come alongside so many committed people to bring about important change.

While I was in Austin recently, for my first meeting with the Board, I got an e-mail from Janet at Straight Spouse Network, informing me that I'd been added on their blogroll. Their blog was launched about the same time as I started this one, and it's really fantastic. Ms. Buxton (Amity) has studied and influenced so many who find themselves in mixed-orientation marriages, and she's tirelessly (well, she probably does get tired, but she keeps going!) works to bring attention to these straight spouses. I'm honored that Janet added my blog to their list.

If you are a straight spouse of a gay or lesbian person, I urge you to try to get informed. There are helps out there, and I am so happy to support both Straight Spouse Network, Soulforce, and Beyond Ex-gay. Check them out.

copying Peterson

It is postings like this one that make me love Peterson Toscano. His writing has touched me and changed me, and now I hear the same questions from others who read this blog (mine).

Please read and share with others this wisdom from Peterson:

Recently at Beyond Ex-Gay we received the following e-mail:

Although I have been out for many years and have had a relationship for 13 years, I have always had this inner guilt due to my religious beliefs and what the bible says. All this time I thought I had to leave by faith behind and deny with much anger God - and that hurts just as much too. I know longer want to do that - I guess you could say I am searching for answers. I am glad you have had this information on the Internet because, I have recently renewed my faith and have thoughts about going through one of these “healing” programs to be right with God – although inside I believe I am the way God made me.

I am confused still, and so torn.

Could someone help me find the answers I am looking for so I don’t feel the pain and guilt?

I post my response below:

Reading what you write about the confusion and the pain you have felt reminds me of my own struggle now 10 years ago when I first acknowledged that I was gay and that I could not change that (even though I tried mightily for 17 years). People told me over and over, “You can’t be gay & Christian!” So when I first came out, I assumed I could not be Christian any longer.

For a time I aspired to be atheist. Turns out I was a rubbish atheist, always praying and thinking about God. That led me to have a heart to heart with God. So many toxic thoughts filled my mind, much fear, guilt and dread that I was doing something so horrible in accepting that I was gay. This had nothing to do with sex or a relationship, but simply the act of accepting my orientation.

That fear can so cloud the mind. It was difficult to discern if it was really the Holy Spirit convicting me or if I was getting battered by many years of sermons and teachings pointing me in a particular direction. Then I remembered, “God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.” God doesn’t lead by fear. Fear led me astray. Fear led me to go to war with my own body and mind. Fear caused me to go down a path that nearly destroyed my faith as I begged and badgered God to fix me, heal me, change me, contain me. I spent years coveting my straight neighbor’s life.
I didn’t trust lots of people at this time–gay or straight. I figured everyone had their own agendas and I needed to find answers for myself–just me and God. Over the years I did eventually find some books that help–Peter Gomes, The Good Book and Christian de la Huerta’s Coming out Spiritually. More so I benefited from reading history, particularly the history of the Bible and how it was used and misused through the years. I learned about the early church from Elaine Pagels. I also read the poetry of Walt Whitman, a revelation both spiritually and physically.

I also began to meet people, sincere Christians who also happen to be gay or lesbian. I got to know them and see their lives and recognize God in them, the fruit of the Spirit, and have fellowship.

In the end I discovered that I can be a person passionately in love with Jesus, serving God and still have a gay orientation. I can be authentic about myself, even if much of the church seems to disagree. In the process I rediscovered the scriptures for myself, found myself in them and a deeper faith.

It is not easy. Many trials, many doubts and the journey has required a certain fearlessness in the face of LOUD opposition, particularly rattling in my head from years of hearing it in the church. But when I get to the heart, when I get to the Spirit, when I sit still in the presence of God, I have peace and clarity. The ruts in my head that led me to places that continually condemned me and harassed me have leveled out.

My mind grows more and more liberated each day as I practice Romans 12:1,2–No longer conform to the patterns of this world (Patterns that say one must be gender-normative, heterosexual, and if you are not there must be something wrong with you and you will encounter troubles. Patterns that say that masculinity is more valuable than femininity. Patterns that insist that one must bow and scrape to the teachings of men instead of the leadings of God), but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you can better understand God’s will for you life.

Steve Biko once say,

The most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed.”

A liberated mind brings peace, clarity and action.

I can't say it better.

Questions for a young friend

I wrote this to a young friend today:

Hi there, ________,

You probably only have a vague memory of me, but I'm sure you know who I am. I'm still the same person who taught your brother in Sunday School, and our family was close with your Uncle (but we haven't heard from him since Ray came out).

I read your comments on a fb friend's note. She saw the video, "What was I supposed to be?", on YouTube, and she saw someone's comment: "If the fetus you save grows up to be gay, will you still fight for it's rights?"

You said:

u can defend gays all u want and i dont mean to be a complete douche i am not anti-gay if they want to do that thats their problem but the bible clearly states that homosexuality is a sin and they need to take that up with God .

and then...

i am not judging anybody just reinstating what the bible has already said u want to believe that being a homosexual isnt a sin ur welcome to thats God giving us our free choice in what we want to believe but just saying the bible is complete truth and it says that Being gay is a sin so whatever i am not having this argument its a waste of my time trying to explain my reasoning

I wanted to comment, but don't want to come across as critical of YOU, so I decided to write you a personal letter/message

My friend, I hope you realize that you are hurting people with your assumptions that they are choosing to be gay. Years ago a friend of mine from church revealed that she was lesbian, and everyone I knew talked badly of her and basically discontinued contact with her. No one continued to ask her to participate in fellowship, get-togethers, in graduation celebrations, baby showers, or weddings.

Well, that didn't make sense to me. Even though I didn't understand WHY she would "come out" I knew, somehow, that she had not chosen something that would cut herself off from ALL the people she knew. She would not DECIDE to be the subject of all the gossip at the grocery store, all the hurtful comments mentioned alongside "prayer requests," or all the negative feelings put out by our little Christian church. That just didn't make sense.

So I decided to keep contact with my friend. I always accepted invitations from her, and I made sure that when there was an event at my house, I still sent her an invitation. I wanted her there! I wanted her to know that she was included, that she was important to me. (After all, we started Junior Church together, back when our girls were only 2-years-old!) Almost always we turned up at each other's events. And I wrote her a letter saying, "... although I don't understand, you are my friend, and I will always love you."

Right now, among your friends, it seems that there is a huge debate going on. Lines are being drawn, and people are saying mean things to one another, and many are lining up sides, "according to the Bible." I want to ask some questions, and I hope you will consider the answers in the longer term than just this week or this summer.

Who was Jesus talking to when he said, "by this shall all men know that you are my disciples, that you have love toward one another"?

Do you think it is more important to do what Jesus says, or to follow your beliefs, when he prays, "that you may all be one."?

In five or ten years, do you want to be remembered as someone who tried to understand people who are sharing something you don't understand, or someone who says, "I know the answers and you don't."?

Can you imagine what it feels like to be told: "You homosexuals are wrong and sinful, and there is no salvation for who you ARE."?

Do you really think that if someone is gay, that marrying a straight person will solve ANYTHING? Do you think that it is fair for that straight person to enter marriage without realizing that someone's same-sex attractions will NEVER go away? If your brother, or sister, or daughter or son, was preparing to marry someone who had "graduated" from "reparative therapy," would you trust that this person was now completely, genuinely heterosexual?

...and from a personal note...Why do you think that people like me have changed to realize that gays/lesbians are loved and accepted by God, and that they don't need to try to change something inherent in their make-up?

One more thing...I want to share with you a video that is available for rent at most stores. The title is, "For the Bible Tells Me So," and it offers a great place to evaluate what many fundamentalists think, and what is actually true about gay Christians.

You are welcome to write to me, and I'll do the best I can to share with you what I have learned, or you can read some entries on my blog. Maybe you will get a glimpse into real change of heart. I can hope it will make you insightful into why your friend brought up the questions that she did - and that you will see why we think it is so important.

Update from Texas

I'm in New Braunfels, Texas, this week, where there is a heat wave with temperatures in, as they say on the radio, "triple digits." Then they say, "at least there's a breeze." So you take the bad with the good, right? But gosh, it is HOT! This whole town is built on recreation in and around Schlitterbahn Water Park, and the two rivers, the Comal and the Guadalupe, where folks come to cool in the spring-fed water, float along in tubes, and generally escape HEAT.

My dear sister, Donna, lives here, and she's been a great support to me since my husband came out to me. Being over 1000 miles apart, it's great when I get to see her and spend some time, other than to have a wedding to throw, a new baby to take care of, or other busy family event that takes our time. This trip, I've introduced her to several friends from Soulforce, we attended Austin Metropolitan Community Church on Sunday, and made a trip to the Alamo. I also got to spend time with my niece and her family, take a dip in the neighborhood pool, and have lunch today with my nephew in Houston. It's an enjoyable time - even though outside it's terribly uncomfortable outside.

Now to the reason that I am down here in June, in Texas. Just down the road in Austin, is the main office of Soulforce, and I have accepted an appointment to serve on the Board of Directors. We had two days of meetings last weekend as I joined the other members, Jeff Lutes, Chuck Phelan, Bill Carpenter, Mel White, Gary Nixon, Karen Ball, Julie Nemecek, Enzi Tanner, Phil Reitan, and Paul Egertson. I hope I'm up to the task, and that I can offer meaningful support to this organization that I support and believe in so much.

Update: Here's my bio on the Soulforce site! http://www.soulforce.org/article/1542