Thursday, July 30, 2009

Gay husband? No, thank you.

I read with interest this entry on Box Turtle Bulletin: The Denial of Alan Chambers. Alan Chambers is the executive director of Exodus International, and he has a new book, "Leaving Homosexuality." Although I have not read his book, and I don't know Mr. Chambers, I feel it is in the interest of straight wives to draw attention to the following "confession," here:

When I was first starting out in ministry and sharing my testimony, I often heard the comment from gay individuals and activists, “You’re just in denial, Alan.” That comment always incensed me because it seemed to negate my message and intelligence. However, as I began to pray about it, I realized that we, as Christians, are indeed called to a life of denial, and as such I should not despise something the Lord commands of me nor should I get angry when someone calls me on it. Those who reject the concept of self-denial haven’t reaped the joys that result from it.

…Every day for more than a decade, I have made denial, as Jesus taught in this verse, the major focus of my morning prayer time. I am keenly aware that I am prone to blowing it in this area of my life and am, therefore, in desperate need of help. … And you know what? I love my life of denial.

Now, please, does this sound like the kind of husband any straight woman would want to keep? No, thank you.

As much as one might love their gay spouse, it does nothing to know that your husband is in his own world of self-denial just to make love to you! Even the level of emotional intimacy will be shallow, no matter how much effort is put forth. It just isn't fair to the straight spouse OR the gay person. To live with the idea that one is in continual, daily, self-denial might be martyrdom to some, but it is not honest, loving, or freeing, nor is it anything but desperation to try to be something and someone that you're not.

For straight spouses, for any pre-married gals who are considering marrying a gay man, I am telling you: DON'T! Run away!

If you are a "struggling" gay or lesbian, and you think that marrying your best friend will make you straight, do the right thing and call it off. Show love that is real, and don't cause the heartbreak of a marriage, the heartbreak of someone who unknowingly is walking into something they can't change or fix.

To Alan Chambers: Please change your slogan of "Change is possible." Please don't continue to offer this false hope. YOU are damaging lives.


Pomoprophet said...

Its like the sign I once saw at a gay marriage rally "Do you want me marrying your daughter?" So many which deny my right to love and get married would never dare let their daughters marry a man who is attracted to men but trying to deny it...

Rob said...

I think more and more, people are coming to terms with the junk coming from these Ex-Gay Ministries is nothing more than lies, to trick people.

One of the reasons I left the whole Ex-Gay World, I could never live with myself by lying to a supposed Wife, pretending to be straight, while knowing in my heart I was not. At what point does "Thou Shall Not Lie" play a role with people like Alan Chambers.

Dawn said...

To keep up the denial is certainly interesting, but not humanly possible. Even martyrdom is a moment in time - not a life long struggle.

Daniel said...

I find it interesting that it is a lifestyle for him. Supressing his feelings for Jesus.
I know for myself, I tried the ex-gay thing for almost 12 years, and at the end, I just felt like a counterfeit. It was exhausting trying to keep it up.
What a relief the past couple years have been.

Daniel said...

All that being said,

"I'd like a gay husband!"

Carol said...

Yes, I think that's the best plan - and it brought a smile. Thanks for your comment, Daniel.

calugg said...

Thanks for this post.

I also think the "Ex Gay" stuff has a basic contempt of straight women. Their needs are to be ignored so long as they can help/make (?) their gay man become/act straight.

But what does this fundamental tension do for any real intimacy and trust?

Call me skeptical. And the feminist in me is just screaming. The "ex gay" movement is yet another new form of contempt hurled at women.

Anonymous said...


Thanks for the post. As always, it is thought provoking and timely. Plus it is framed by your own situation which I can never understand completely, but am attempting to empathize with as best I can.

I can only speak from my own situation. At a certain point in my marriage to Angie (after I got heavily involved in internet gay porn) I felt I was definitely denying myself sexual intimacy with another man/men. Acting out was and continues to be out of the question for me due to my faith and vows. I have never been able to come to grips with my same sex attraction from a pragmatic standpoint. Perhaps because I'm an architect, marrying / partnering with another man has never made sense to me. For me, It's like trying to drive a square peg into a round hole, though I do respect those who differ with me here. My best friend from childhood has been partnered with a man for nine years now and they compliment each other well.

At this point, my attraction to men has diminished almost completely. So right now, I'm completely at peace with myself, my relationship with my wife, other men, etc. I was ready to live in denial for the rest of my life if need be, but God had other plans. He's worked and so that's that. As I've shared in the past, the relational intimacy that I've acquired with many fellow men has been key. All I wanted was empathy and care, but again God had other plans.

I have never acted out on my attractions. Maybe that made a difference in my situation.

Re same sex attraction and denial, at some point in time I did see it as something similar to say gluttony. Many individuals have this propensity. I live in MS and we are the fattest state in the Union. I don't necessarily consider that to be a one to one comparison today, but for me there are similarities. A lot of people have difficulty controlling what they eat and how much. For them, it's terribly difficult to deny themselves and in turn they become obese.

I'll definitely be interested in whether or not my daughter's future boyfriends struggle with ssa. If one of them says yes that certainly will be food for thought.

If you're ever in MS, I'd love to interview you for my blog. I want to get to know you better. Plus, you enjoy meeting my girls.

Again, thanks for the blog. I pray for you and yours often.

Pax79 said...

My sorta-kinda ex is gay and, bless his heart, he did everything he could to pass for straight for over 30 years. Oddly our son and I find he's a much nicer, calmer, present person now that he's not living a lie....ya think?

I've always supported gay marriage and am Canadian on top of it am constantly amazed that these wankers bash gay and lesbian people who want to marry yet nail them in a closet with bulls**t and a wrath of God and tell them to marry straight people. Really? So they're actually FOR gay marriage but to unsuspecting straight people? Aside from the clergy that have found their wee peccadilloes splashed over the wires and print media the fundamental cruelty to the straight mate and any children takes my breath away. Is it more fun to damage lives in groups? Interesting family values...sigh.

And Dan, I hope you find that husband soon! My ex found his dream man and we're all happier for it.

Anonymous said...

I hear what you are saying, Carol, at the same time have you asked Mr. Chambers what his experience is in making love to his wife? It is difficult to draw conculsions such as believing you understand Mr. Chambers' emotional response based upon the 2 paragraphs that you quoted of his. In fact, logically it is a slippery slope fallacy. Careful with your conculsions. The end doesn't necessarily justify your means.

I do enjoy following your blog. It does jumpstart a thinking process for me. :)
- Ruthie

Anonymous said...


I apologize for attempting to comment on this post in a mean-spirited manner. Thanks for not approving my comment. I am at a place in my life where I have a lot of pride and frankly love to gloat about it.

I cannot relate to your situation or your feelings and have made no attempt to empathize despite the fact that I said so.

I will continue to pray for you and your children and Ray.

I do respect you and your blog and what you're doing with it. It is an inspiration to me in regards to how much thought you put into each post.

Carol said...

Hello commenters: I've been out of town until today, and was behind on approving comments. I haven't rejected any, and am putting them up today (Friday). Several varying opinions are evident, and mine remains that for a straight spouse, a gay man makes a great best friend, and yet it isn't what I want in a husband. Mr. Chambers states that each day he lives in self-denial, and it is inferred that this is in regard to his personal, intimate, (sexual) needs and desires. This doesn't sound like what I, or other straight women, deserve.

There's more to say here, but I will work on another post rather than add to the comments. More later...

Anonymous said...

God can change a man's heart! To deny this is to deny God's power. Changing lives is what God does, and we can't say He only do this or do that since His power, like his love, is beyond our comprehension.

Laurie Lunsford/ Entrepreneuse said...

I read all the comments to the post. It is challenging for me to hear the different points of view. The posts help me understand gay. I want to understand.

Carol said...

Dear "Anonymous",
Yes, God changes lives and changes hearts. But he doesn't change sexual orientation. That would be like changing the color of one's eyes, and I believe that would be pretty rare. Might happen, but it's more likely that eye color would change than sexual orientation. (I have no data on that!)

TCM said...

Dear Carol,

I have experienced change in what I would describe as "orientation," although as a scholar, I would have to say that the word "orientation" is too general to be useful for understanding the full complexity of human sexuality.

I am sorry for the pain that I imagine you must have experienced, although I have not read your blog in detail, so I don't really know where you are at now.

With my "orientation change," even though I fully and authentically desire my wife sexually now, I have a new problem of not looking at women lustfully. Such is our sorrowful, sinful nature.

My desire is, like Alan Chambers, to practice denial. But not the kind of "grit your teeth and ignore your natural desire" kind of denial, but denial of the flesh, which Paul in the Bible talks about. I am praying for holiness and Christ-likeness, and in embracing Jesus, hoping that sin will be less and less enticing.

I wish you all the best in your journey.

(A friend of Robert, the architect.)

Carol said...

I have some questions, friend of Robert: why do you continue to put the word "orientation" in quotes? Then again, perhaps you are bi-sexual, which would explain how you are lusting for other women. Does that prove that you've crossed over to heterosexuality? And moreover, where does your intimacy level fall? Who are you closest to in your heart's desires? Are you constantly proving to yourself that you are not gay?

And one more...
Would you want your daughter to marry someone with your "orientation"?

calugg said...

Any "change" in orientation that demands a specific change in religious belief is medically and psychologically suspect. To play devil's advocate (literally): Would those of you who embraced "change" do so if it meant a spiritual conversion to Satan Worship? Probably not.... If you can't turn the equation around, it's probably faulty.

It's the exclusivity of this "change" claim, of g-d as magic pixie dust that works when every other form of "treatment" has failed, that makes these religious claims of sexual orientation change ipso facto suspect. And then we have voluminous data from over 70 years that "change protocols" (including the charming treatments of electroshock and lobotomy) don't work.

It's taking biblical infallibility to farcical ends. Or, to some extent, making biblical infallibility it's own form of g-d.

Anonymous said...

God can change a man's heart! To deny this is to deny God's power.

Why would God need to change a man's heart, when he could have created him straight in the first place?

If you believe in God, you should consider the possibility that it is God's will that they're gay. Isn't that what you would say about any other human feature/defect? It is the Lord's will.

Say, for instance, somebody was born without a leg. Would you say the person is faithless for not growing another leg? Or would you praise them for living life the best they can with what they have?