Boltz story carried in The New York Times

A few weeks ago, an e-mail came to the website, and the result is an article by Sam Freedman of The New York Times which appeared Friday online.  Saturday morning (May 15, 2010) there will be a version of it in the print version. Both Ray and myself were interviewed for this article, and I want to share it. 

Two years ago, about this time of year, my ex-husband and I were deciding when and how to open up with the public about him being gay.  I was ready, and I was tired of keeping secrets about why we divorced.  But one of the reasons Ray HAD to "come out" was so that he could continue his gift of sharing his new songs and his voice with the public.  He didn't want to hide behind any false assumptions that he is straight, and he needed to be honest.

Somehow I had emerged from the emotional trauma of being the straight wife of a loving but gay man, and I became an advocate for equal rights and acceptance of all LGBTQ people.  I knew that if anyone could have "changed" from gay to straight, it would have been my (ex-)husband.  And because of that, I came to realize that other straight individuals shouldn't unknowingly marry someone who can never be fully intimate with them, no matter how much they intend to be so.  I decided to say as often as I need to say it:  God makes people, and we are made as sexual beings.  Some of us are straight, and some are gay.

I'm not sure there can be any more hurt when a beloved spouse reveals to his or her mate that they are gay.  Somehow it seems worse than "just" having an affair, because there is nothing that can solve the problem.  No amount of prayer, counseling, or trying can change one's sexual orientation.  Confronting this truth made me even doubt that any love God has for me must surely be shown in strange ways, since this isn't the life I expected when I said, "I do."  Other women and men shouldn't have to experience this "discovery," nor the pain of such a hopeless secret that has no fix.

So, is there a solution?  I think there is.  The solution is to accept ALL people, and to realize that gay people should not have to pretend to be straight, and should not marry straight ones without FULL information and consent.  My hope is that just like it helps other closeted gay people when someone comes out, I need to be "out" as a straight spouse.  I have nothing to hide, and I'm not ashamed.  Sharing my story?  I'm OUT, I'm proud, and I'm honest.

What is owed the straight spouse?

If you don't read this blog regularly, you might not realize that I often remind people that gays and straights shouldn't really marry each other, ESPECIALLY if either party thinks that straight marriage will change a same-sex-attracted person to be NOT GAY. If some want to knowingly enter a mixed-orientation marriage, then be forewarned that there are enough other stumbling blocks in relationships, that sexual mis-matches are ahead, with trouble and heartache to follow, and just remember, "Carol told you so."

Then there are the straight women, like myself, who unknowingly marry gay or transgender men, and they end up without means to continue their family life as planned. Often this is totally without warning. Other times it is the final result of dissonance that has been brewing for a long time.

Peterson Toscano's blog post (originally from last August), "Mixed Orientation Marriages–Fraud, Failures and Family"never gets too old to be discussed. My own blog entry is cited, and a wide variety of comments followed. Just a few days ago, Tracy had an EXCELLENT comment which came at the end of a long post/comments section

If only the family code allowed enough for a mom to carry on after staying home for years then one would not need to prove a tort case....These men are not as advertised and should pay to restore the life of their victims.

And I bring that question here: What is owed the straight spouse when the GLBT spouse can't continue in the marriage as was the commitment?

Gone are the days when a wife stayed at home tending the fires and washing the clothes. Most families are supported by two incomes, and it's a rare thing if only one works outside the home. HOWEVER, when one of those incomes is GONE from the family, and the remaining spouse is left alone, and it has nothing to do with fault on the part of the straight spouse, isn't there obligation to continue support for that straight spouse? In these cases, what should the obligation be?.

Aside from legal requirements, shouldn't there be monetary and property provision for the straight spouse? Shouldn't the GLBT partner willingly offer physical participation in raising the children? YES! (duh)

I'm often less-than-harsh toward the gay spouse, because I feel that coming out is honest. I feel that sometimes it can take years to come to terms with your sexual orientation, but most people say they "knew" years before, even if they didn't want to accept it. All that said, I think it is the RIGHT thing for him or her to keep helping the unknowing straight spouse, and I'll go so far as to say "innocent party," because that is how many of us feel. WE went into marriage in love, trusting for a lifetime of companionship, partnership, and family, and we end up alone. It's not fair, and we, as straight spouses, deserve, as Tracy says, to be restored.

Jemma Thomas - her support of Gareth

Another reader sent me a related link tonight concerning Jemma Thomas. She is the soon-to-be-ex-wife of Gareth Thomas. Gareth Thomas has just come out as gay, and the article here details the support and love that Jemma has shown. I commend her totally, and hope you will read all of the article.

Strikingly positive, Jemma shows immense love and understanding, and I stand with her in this very public time. Here's my favorite quote from the article:

'He will always love me, but he cannot turn himself into a heterosexual. If he could, I would still be married to him. We will always be the best of friends and I couldn't feel prouder of him than I do now.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1237397/When-Gareth-told-gay-man-I-loved-died.html#ixzz0aOBeDTOP

What a beautiful woman, inside and out. Bless you, Jemma!

(hat tip to Mark! Thanks for the link.)

Gareth Thomas, gay Welsh rugby player, comes out, and he had a wife, too

A blog-reader, Tim, wrote today to share with me the story/news article about Welsh rugby legend, Gareth Thomas, who just recently has come out publicly as a gay man. Although he had thought he could hide his sexuality, he said this:

"I became a master of disguise and could play the straight man down to a tee, sometimes over-compensating by getting into fights or being overly aggressive because I didn't want the real me to be found out. But when you withdraw into yourself you start to feel lonely, upset, ashamed."

Thomas, according to CNN, was married to his high school sweetheart, but they separated after a few years of marriage. No details were given, but perhaps his being gay entered the picture. I have no idea how much hurt this caused each of them, but Thomas sounds like a decent guy, one who tried unsuccessfully to squelch his true orientation. I wish my arms could reach out to hug them both, and let them know that others care.

Gareth Thomas speaks out now through his fame, and he's doing the brave, but difficult thing. This quote, from www.guardian.co.uk speaks of his family's support:

"I don't know if my life is going to be easier because I'm out but, if it helps someone else, if it makes one young lad pick up the phone to ChildLine, then it will have been worth it. My parents, my family and my friends all love me and accept me for who I am and, even if the public are upset by this, I know the love of those people who mean the most to me will never change."

When I hear of any mixed-orientation couple, I ache. It's not easy when you have to figure out what to do once the reality of the situation is revealed. Others don't "get it," or, if they do, they don't have to live through it. Not only does it hurt each person in the relationship, it lasts such a long time to get over the insecurity and damage to one's confidence.

For the straight spouse, you ask yourself a million questions, like, "Why didn't I know?" and "Was the love real?" I know I went through so many emotions and questions. To see where I am now, I get absolutely surprised at the "ah-ha" moments of clarity that I've come to. Sometimes it seems like life will never be the same (It won't.) or that it won't ever get any better (It WILL).

Not being very familiar with rugby, I can't guage the impact of Mr. Thomas's coming-out. Being a major star, coming out as gay is a big deal no matter what sport it is. Thomas's recent reveal should and will bring attention to him and to his sport, and to his former wife, there will be fall-out. I hope there will be support for her in this time of change. Like I've said before in times like this, my heart goes out to her.

(Support group for straight spouses: http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php)

One year since Ray came out

Yesterday I realized it had been one year to the day since Ray came out publicly. What a year it's been. First off, there was one after another supportive e-mails to the website. That was within the first few hours. Then the FLOOD of, "I can't believe it...", "I'm so disappointed...", and, "How could Ray have chosen the gay lifestyle...?". I began to make some folders for the different responses. These folders were 1) Supportive, 2) Non-supportive, 3) Oddly supportive. Sub-folders under the non-supportive ones were a) Stupid, and b) Downright mean. I have 1000s of each type, and I keep getting them all the time.

But what are the real, personal changes that have occurred since LAST Sept. 12?

For one, I could finally walk in the open! I was no longer closeted! I always had felt I did nothing to be ashamed of, and I could now hold my head high and not worry about what people knew or didn't know. If I wanted to, I could be open about my life and my family (including Ray, if it was pertinent).

Two, I started being open online. I started this blog. And through the blog, I began to make contacts with other wives, ex-wives, husbands and ex-husbands, who knew FIRST-HAND what it was like to have a GLBT spouse. I often hear from both sides, and I sympathize with them all. Many married in hope that they would be "healed" or "fixed" from gay feelings, along with real love for their spouses, only to realize sooner or later that they were still gay. Lives, entwined with family obligations, became tangled and hurt. It's amazing how these online connections not only help to know, "I'm not alone," for us all, but how widespread mixed-orientation marriages really are.

Thirdly, I am now an outspoken advocate for gay rights. I don't have to be a silent partner in the work to end religious discrimination against GLBTQs. Outside of the religious network of churches, there really is a growing acceptance of gay people, and so work within our churches is essential. I want to be able to continue speaking up on behalf of ALL gay folk, and I do not have anything to apologize for.

When I make new friends these days, they know within a short while of knowing me, that I'm supportive and affirming of ALL gay people. If they don't agree or can't see it like I do, then they have to decide if I'm still worth their friendship. I'm making new friends these days, and if they aren't at the very least WELCOMING of GLBTs, then they probably won't be in my close circle of friends. My life can't be closed off any more, and I won't be silent.

Also, my kids now have the freedom to mention their dad, and they do, without shame. They can openly be proud of their dad and all he's done and who he is: Their DAD! They don't have to make excuses, and can speak up as being the close family that they are. No secrets keep them hemming and hawing about anything. They love and respect their dad, and are not restricted by trying to cover up any part of their lives.

All together, I think it is generally known how I feel. 'Nuff sed.

Today I heard from another straight wife, who found out earlier this year that her husband has been secretly sexually active with other men for the past 4 years. My heart aches for her and what she's enduring. To make it all worse, she was court-ordered to keep silent. That means she can't talk with her grown sons, her divorce-care group, or her friends. I don't even know if that is legal! How awful to have to bear this with a "gag order" imposed that puts her into the dark, silent closet. What a wrong thing, even if it's legal. There's healing in honesty, and this woman needs to be able to openly say what she needs to say, in order to begin her healing. She hopes to someday be openly affirming as well. Kudos to her!

Openness and honesty is freeing, and it's life-changing when we have information that makes such a difference. For me, being out of the closet is much better. My life is worth sharing, ALL of it. I'm who I am. Ray's who he is. My kids have a gay dad - that's that!

It's been a big year for the Boltz family! Yeah for being OUT!

Gay husband? No, thank you.

I read with interest this entry on Box Turtle Bulletin: The Denial of Alan Chambers. Alan Chambers is the executive director of Exodus International, and he has a new book, "Leaving Homosexuality." Although I have not read his book, and I don't know Mr. Chambers, I feel it is in the interest of straight wives to draw attention to the following "confession," here:

When I was first starting out in ministry and sharing my testimony, I often heard the comment from gay individuals and activists, “You’re just in denial, Alan.” That comment always incensed me because it seemed to negate my message and intelligence. However, as I began to pray about it, I realized that we, as Christians, are indeed called to a life of denial, and as such I should not despise something the Lord commands of me nor should I get angry when someone calls me on it. Those who reject the concept of self-denial haven’t reaped the joys that result from it.

…Every day for more than a decade, I have made denial, as Jesus taught in this verse, the major focus of my morning prayer time. I am keenly aware that I am prone to blowing it in this area of my life and am, therefore, in desperate need of help. … And you know what? I love my life of denial.

Now, please, does this sound like the kind of husband any straight woman would want to keep? No, thank you.

As much as one might love their gay spouse, it does nothing to know that your husband is in his own world of self-denial just to make love to you! Even the level of emotional intimacy will be shallow, no matter how much effort is put forth. It just isn't fair to the straight spouse OR the gay person. To live with the idea that one is in continual, daily, self-denial might be martyrdom to some, but it is not honest, loving, or freeing, nor is it anything but desperation to try to be something and someone that you're not.

For straight spouses, for any pre-married gals who are considering marrying a gay man, I am telling you: DON'T! Run away!

If you are a "struggling" gay or lesbian, and you think that marrying your best friend will make you straight, do the right thing and call it off. Show love that is real, and don't cause the heartbreak of a marriage, the heartbreak of someone who unknowingly is walking into something they can't change or fix.

To Alan Chambers: Please change your slogan of "Change is possible." Please don't continue to offer this false hope. YOU are damaging lives.

Connecting with Straight Spouse Network, Soulforce BoD, Beyond Ex-gay

It's been nearly four and a half years since my then-husband came out to me and our four kids. The shock and awe I felt was beyond words, but I did a couple things right away. One of them was to read the book, "Stranger at the Gate," and I googled the name of the author, Mel White. In my searches I found Straight Spouse Network,and I read the book by Amity Pierce Buxton, "The Other Side of the Closet." I found the blog of Peterson Toscano, and I began to glimpse something other than what I'd been taught in church: gay and Christian were not impossible! Peterson teamed with Christine Bakke to start the online support called BEYOND EX-GAY.

All these resources were critical in my finding my way out of the incorrect view that being gay was a choice. I'm still not sure which ones had the most influence, but I appreciate and value each one.

Recently I was asked to serve on the Board of Directors of Soulforce, and I gladly accepted. This organization was co-founded by Mel White and Gary Nixon. The mission of Soulforce is to work through nonviolent direct action to bring about the end of religious and political oppression of GLBTQ people. I'm proud of the work they are doing, and I'm very pleased to come alongside so many committed people to bring about important change.

While I was in Austin recently, for my first meeting with the Board, I got an e-mail from Janet at Straight Spouse Network, informing me that I'd been added on their blogroll. Their blog was launched about the same time as I started this one, and it's really fantastic. Ms. Buxton (Amity) has studied and influenced so many who find themselves in mixed-orientation marriages, and she's tirelessly (well, she probably does get tired, but she keeps going!) works to bring attention to these straight spouses. I'm honored that Janet added my blog to their list.

If you are a straight spouse of a gay or lesbian person, I urge you to try to get informed. There are helps out there, and I am so happy to support both Straight Spouse Network, Soulforce, and Beyond Ex-gay. Check them out.

...I guess I will stay with my wife...

Gathering together a recent comment(from this post) and an e-mail that came in today from a different person, I wish people could actually talk to each other, listen and evaluate what they are saying. On the one hand, you have someone inferring "change" can happen if there is, "an in depth process within the person," while on the other is someone revealing how he really feels.

Besides the fact that this anonymous commenter assumes there is only one "lifestyle," among gay people, it appears that they have not lived "change" themselves, and even then recognizes only that "the homosexual impulses diminish." Here is the commenter's quote:

I think some of these comments may be over simplified. I think what "Anonymous" brought up was a true-to-life point about someone who experienced change, and it was dismissed. There are homosexually oriented men who are NOT happy with the gay identity, who fall in love with a woman and want to make a life with her and feel terribly conflicted. I know one personally, who has agonized over feelings for a woman. And no one has the right to tell them they should just embrace a gay lifestyle, that that is the only outcome that is true or possible for them. It is very much a continuum due to likely many causal factors, and no scientist has proven it is innate. And studies on those who SEEK their own change report it is possible, not from an overly religious process but an in depth process within the person. Their heterosexual impulses do come through, and the homosexual impulses diminish. That is their right and no one has the right to say it isn't possible for them.

hmmm...their RIGHT? What is right? Is it right to cover up one's true feelings and marry a woman - just because he thinks he MIGHT be able to let the "homosexual impulses diminish"? Or is it to live the best he can, going through life feeling "terribly conflicted," "agonized," and hoping the "heterosexual impulses ... come through,"?

Give me a break. I'm sorry, but here is the opposite side of the story, from a married man who is tells what is really going on...

...[I'd] Like to be able to say I don\'t understand, but I do. Although I guess I will stay with my wife and love my kids and try to hold back all the other feelings that come over me. ... I\'m 52 been married for awhile have 3 kids, but still deal with the other feelings!!...

Honestly, who would want their spouse to feel this way? "I guess I will stay," just isn't good enough for me, nor is it the way other straight spouses want to be lied to. And if the spouse-in-denial is really good at deception, many spouses DON'T even know. How does THAT feel?

What about, "hold[ing] back all the other feelings that come over me,"? Does this sound like change? Dear Anonymous commenter, please don't continue to deceive yourself or let your friend proceed to have false hope that the answer to unwanted sexual feelings is to marry a straight woman!

And besides all this, what I hope for my gay friends is that they can recognize that there is no shame in the way they are made. There is no shame in feeling attracted to someone of the same gender, wanting to share their lives, and even marry the one they love. My hope is that eventually there will be no more women who get married for all the right reasons (love, family, hope for a future together, and yes, for sex) only to find that someone just "guesses they'll stay."

"a rough row to hoe"

That phrase, "a rough row to hoe," was one of my counselor, Jane's, favorites. Jane would throw in little "witticisms," whenever it suited the situation. If you have ever gardened, you know what it means: a long row of corn or beans has to be tilled by hand, getting out the weeds, turning over the soil with a tool that only works when you work it. In a long row, with the hot sun burning your back and the end of the row obviously not in sight, it can seem like it's never-ending!

Lately I have heard from some married gay men (married to straight women), and they are desperate to be understood by their wives. The ones I hear from usually love their wives, but realize that same-sex attractions are not going away, despite all their best efforts, and truth be told, some of their worst efforts as well.

When I married, I was making the commitment to be faithful to ONE person. That is the vow you take when you stand before, as they say, God and everybody, and declare that THIS one is your one and only. Not merely emotionally, but physically, I was bonded to my husband. This is the expected way of life once one is married, and for Ray and me, it was our mutual commitment. When I learned (after nearly 30 years of marriage) that he was attracted to men, I not only suffered heartache, but as I found what other wives in my situation had endured, in the long run I realized I had a lot to be thankful for - and it was easier for me, in the long run, to be understanding.

With layers and layers of emotion to go through, several things I can look back and realize were helping me to understand. I knew that my husband had put me and our family first during years of effort to remain faithful, and I also believed him because of our history together. This was his EXPECTED marriage commitment, and the history we had created.

Without this history together, my acceptance would have been much more difficult. Even so, once I heard the words, "I'm gay," and learned what that meant, it was very difficult to still believe, "I love you." For me, it took a great effort on the part of my husband (who was becoming my former husband,) for me to believe him, and it took tremendous changes in my mind and in my heart, in order to shift our relationship to a separation. I'm not sure I'm able to get this across, but try to follow me that there were steps along the way that took talking, and actions, and feeble movements of change. It was work - it was a rough row to hoe.

Now let me get back to what I can offer for other couples, those who have loved one another, and have built a life together. When a spouse comes out as gay, the reactions vary, feelings vary, and history varies. There are situations where mixed-orientation couples NEED to stay together: those with children to raise, college tuitions to pay, those whose medical situations, insurance demands, financial situations, public lives, etc., and many other distinct reasons that people relate to.

Sometimes an immediate break happens, and divorce is inevitable. From there a lot can depend on how faithful the parties have been to the marriage relationship. In the cases where relationships OUTSIDE the marriage have transpired, I fully understand the hurt that causes a straight spouse to never understand or want to reconcile in any measure. And it is to those gay spouses that I also, if I may, remind of Jane's old-fashioned saying: You have a rough row to hoe.

Where in my family I had a history of good family life (for me, I thought my life was perfect) and it took months, even years, to be able to accept the truth of, "I love you, but I have to go," other women may find it harder, or even impossible to accept the reasons you have to end your marriage. Giving up a life that I loved and cherished was beyond description, and for others it may be the same or it may be vastly different. For me and for Ray, there is no way we can erase the years we built a life together, and it has been worth it to remain friends. No matter the difficult way it has gone, no matter the fact that we live apart and have new friends in our lives, we are still doing the work it takes to cause no further pain to one another.

At the same time, I don't [yet] offer hope. This is not a great outcome, but the best that we can expect. It sounds so dismal, so I'm not trying to put you all into depression, but there is nothing that SOLVES this dilemna: We love each other, but Ray is gay. Where do you even go with that? There IS NO solution!

My best effort is to support acceptance of young people who are gay, and to support loving, monogamous family life. I hope that those who are drawn to Christian churches will be able to be accepted fully, and to be part of a life they wish for themselves. I don't want gay/lesbian/bi/trans people to carry self-hate, suffer depression, or feelings of being "less than" straight people. And I certainly don't wish for gay people to marry straight ones!

If you, as a gay man, intend to find understanding from your straight wife, (or it may be a lesbian woman with a straight husband) it is going to take work: "a rough row to hoe," - and you can carry out the analogy to whatever way it works for you: pulling out the weeds, chopping up the clods of dirt, caring for the tender plants, sweating under the hot sun.

You are dealing with issues of trust, self-image, and hopefully, love. Every emotion that went in to making your marriage work from the beginning has been trampled, so it seems. If there is relationship to be salvaged, for whatever reasons, or if there is understanding to be gained, I believe it is worth it to work through the pain to keep it.

Regarding the help it will take for the straight spouse to understand, I am not sure what to add. I don't believe that I have some magic formula to prescribe. I offer resources that helped me, because I learned so much and can share those. Because we had the foundation of a life together, I was able to change - and I believe this was due to MANY things that came together.

From here, I keep trying to hoe my row.

Snake oil solutions

Communications with readers is an interesting task. I love to hear from many of you, and with some people I am making friends. With some others I decide to not communicate further. I try to decide what comments to allow or reject, and it is totally subjective on my part. Honest questioning is allowed. Anonymous posts are allowed. But I will not allow anonymous posts that make claims that say that change of sexual orientation is possible. There are already enough sites where ex-gays may state those hopes, and for me, I just don't think it is valid.

This week an online friend said to me:

I don't even know you and I worry about you. It seems from your blog that you are so focused on defending your ex-husband. Which is ok. But taking care of yourself is important too.

I take this seriously, because sometimes I wonder if I take too much time to write and monitor the blog, and I ask myself if I'm too involved with GLBT issues. I acknowledged to this friend that I needed to consider my focus, evaluating what I do.

I know that blogs made such a difference and HELP in my life since 4 years ago, and I feel that it's important to make the new connections that I am making. I LIKE that, and I feel it's important. It has meant a difference in going forward to make new friends, and many of those I've made online, then later, in person. When so many of my formerly close friends don't or won't understand, it has been critical to make new ones! So, I don't just defend my former husband. I'm defending MY life, validating it, and finding support with new friends.

From an anonymous writer, who has written to me several (at least 8, maybe more) times, one of his messages said this:

I entreat you to email me regarding the biology of sexual orientation. Orientation can be in some cases quite fluid and in some cases not. There is a genetic basis for this. I am ex-gay but I do not foist my opinions on my gay brothers. I cannot determine who can and who can't change with a simple glance. However, biology does indeed not preordain sexual orientation. Email me at ***************** if you want to hear more. I've changed but Ray doesn't have to.
And yes, I am happily married with a son with special needs. I cannot and will not leave the side of my wife and my child. There is too much at stake in my son's precious life.

I replied to his e-mail with this:

Hello ***** (and by this time, he had given me his name, but I've omitted it),

I have received all of your messages, and I have also decided to reject your comments that assert that gay/lesbian people can change their orientation. If it were true, that would be great, but for Ray it was not possible. I know there is nothing in the world that would have caused Ray to leave MY side, and your repeated assertions don't make it any easier.

It is my position that to tell people, most of whom cannot change their basic sexual orientation, that they can change, is to do them a disservice. If you have such information, then by all means, submit it to the medical and psychological authorities, so that they may help people.

If you left homosexual behavior and are happily married to a straight woman, then I hope that you are fully up front with her, and I would hope that she knew the truth about your sexual orientation before you married. So many straight spouses hold out hope that their loved one is not really gay, that they might be bi-sexual, or have a sexual addiction, or some other not-so-gay problem, and it causes more pain, of which you may have heard.

Maybe you think that you can solve this, but we have sought professional help. We are doing the best we can with this difficult situation. I do not see a need to seek your advice. Although you think you are being kind, this is not something we want to pursue with you.

Yes, I hear defensiveness in my reply. However, I hear from many gay/lesbian married people, saying that they truly love their spouse, but that they are not able to share the intimacy (emotional connectedness, if you will) demanded in a marriage. This is due to the fact that they are critically wired differently, and it causes intense overload to their system. It's not that they are selfish, it's that they are self-preserving. To not recognize this on my part was to cause even more harm, both to my husband, and ultimately to myself.

As much as I wanted things to be different, I could not return to something that didn't exist. I could never again believe that I was the first choice. That is very hard to accept, but it is how I feel. I still, though, refuse to throw away the good memories. And if that seems defensive on my part, so be it.

In my search for help after I found out my husband was gay, I tried to find other straight spouses. Many were very angry for how their gay spouse behaved - and they were absolutely justified in their anger. Many saw that they'd been lied to and felt deceived, and they resented it. The despair in not knowing what to do is sometimes overwhelming. A lot of us straight spouses feel terribly overwhelmed, without the words to describe the pain we are going through. These are just PARTS of the ordeal that straight spouses face. Added are the questions one has to face about faith, self-worth and value, money problems, children, legal issues, health concerns, and all the day-to-day, ongoing problems of living. And then you hope - hope - hope - that there is a solution. And you will try just about any snake-oil product on the market. And reality sets in that there is nothing you can do, nothing you can change, nothing but to accept the truth.

Along the way I have considered every possible solution. If I had turned over one in my mind, I've pursued another. And every "solution" brings me back to this reality: I know the truth. I know the truth about Ray. I know the truth that he tried everything to change. I know the truth about our life. And, yes, I will defend what I know.

I now have had over four years to deal with this, but only recently have been able to express the feelings that I've gone through. Some of the feelings and plenty of the opinions have been simmering for most of that time, and I am now finally putting forth what I've processed.

Every time someone tries to tell me that they changed, or that they know some secret way to change, it is like pushing me down some dark, basement stairs in a dream that I can't wake up from. It is like holding out candy for a baby, then taking it away. I don't want to do that to people. Not to another wife, not to another spouse.

In closing this long post I want to be perfectly clear: I will not hold out false hope for "change." I know some still want to try, and that is fine. I am not for breaking up marriages, and I still wish things were different. For couples who opt for various arrangements, those are not options for me.

Thanks for your comments and e-mails, as they mean a lot to me. (I might even post some for the heck of it!) Thanks for reading!