Boltz story carried in The New York Times

A few weeks ago, an e-mail came to the website, and the result is an article by Sam Freedman of The New York Times which appeared Friday online.  Saturday morning (May 15, 2010) there will be a version of it in the print version. Both Ray and myself were interviewed for this article, and I want to share it. 

Two years ago, about this time of year, my ex-husband and I were deciding when and how to open up with the public about him being gay.  I was ready, and I was tired of keeping secrets about why we divorced.  But one of the reasons Ray HAD to "come out" was so that he could continue his gift of sharing his new songs and his voice with the public.  He didn't want to hide behind any false assumptions that he is straight, and he needed to be honest.

Somehow I had emerged from the emotional trauma of being the straight wife of a loving but gay man, and I became an advocate for equal rights and acceptance of all LGBTQ people.  I knew that if anyone could have "changed" from gay to straight, it would have been my (ex-)husband.  And because of that, I came to realize that other straight individuals shouldn't unknowingly marry someone who can never be fully intimate with them, no matter how much they intend to be so.  I decided to say as often as I need to say it:  God makes people, and we are made as sexual beings.  Some of us are straight, and some are gay.

I'm not sure there can be any more hurt when a beloved spouse reveals to his or her mate that they are gay.  Somehow it seems worse than "just" having an affair, because there is nothing that can solve the problem.  No amount of prayer, counseling, or trying can change one's sexual orientation.  Confronting this truth made me even doubt that any love God has for me must surely be shown in strange ways, since this isn't the life I expected when I said, "I do."  Other women and men shouldn't have to experience this "discovery," nor the pain of such a hopeless secret that has no fix.

So, is there a solution?  I think there is.  The solution is to accept ALL people, and to realize that gay people should not have to pretend to be straight, and should not marry straight ones without FULL information and consent.  My hope is that just like it helps other closeted gay people when someone comes out, I need to be "out" as a straight spouse.  I have nothing to hide, and I'm not ashamed.  Sharing my story?  I'm OUT, I'm proud, and I'm honest.

Being out as an ally

How things change! Although I've had two blogs, only on this one have I been "open and affirming." It was before Ray was out that I actually began to blog, and I had no idea that I would EVER have something this public and revealing about my personal life. I want to share how this change occurred, so I will.

I started blogging over 5 years ago, through a very veiled blog called Knitter's Greenhouse. I was inspired to write a blog by my daughter, Liz, and my son, Phil, who at that time, both had blogs of their own. I was familiar with blogs since '98-99, when Phil had shown me his blog. He was away from home doing an internship with Teen Mania, and the blog was a way to drop in on his life and comments, and he welcomed me to read his entries.

Liz is also a wonderful, talented writer. She is currently working toward her MFA (Masters in Fine Arts) at the University of New Hampshire. I tell people that Liz has been writing since she could hold a pencil - and this isn't much of an exaggeration. She journaled since middle school (or before) and when she was even younger she wrote LOTS of stories - that I was not allowed to read until they were FINISHED.

Karen, my oldest daughter, even has a family blog and a business blog. (I don't see near enough entries on that family blog - hint hint) Meanwhile, Sara (whom I call "my baby daughter") has even kept a blog for short periods of time, but sometimes it gets very demanding, and FACEBOOK takes enough time to update and read, so I totally understand that she can't maintain a blog.

I tell you, dear readers, about all these to let you know that these kids had to get their communication skills from their dad. And as time passed, they inspired me to set up and write a few lines, hence, Knitter's Greenhouse. I couldn't even come up with a better name than that. Nothing snappy or original, but those things are what I like and am "into," so I started right about the time that Ray built me a greenhouse to play with my plants.

Soon after I started writing, I realized how little I could say - NOT because I ran out of words, but because my life came screeching to a halt. It was in Dec. 2004 that Ray "came out" and I could no longer share what I was going through, without revealing what I was going through.

It was a crazy time, and my writing was vague and distant.

I never revealed anything about my name or my personal struggles, even though I referenced my kids and was linked to Liz's, where she DID always use her real name. I knew that a slip could say too much, and we were not ready for that - I was not ready for that. My favorite post was about a shell called a Junonia. When I re-read it to post the link, I think I sound a lot more together than I actually felt, but I was doing the best I could at the time.

Some friends were quilters, and I caught their enthusiasm. Quilting and sewing took my mind from my problems, and I had a grandbaby coming. By winter of 2005, before Arya was born, I sewed a BUNCH of baby quilts, knitted an afghan, and experienced joy in my creations. As time went by, I also put up photos of my projects, and blogged occasionally, still anonymously. No one EVER read that blog except my family, and that was really why I had started it in the first place. The blog served its purpose.

I can't remember when it was, but out of the blue I got some anonymous questions: "Was my husband gay?" Freaking out doesn't describe my panic! What if this was OUT THERE? My thoughts were that no one would understand, no one would realize that Ray and I had parted on friendly terms, and no one would understand that this was still our private situation. Plus, this person was ANONYMOUS! They didn't approach me with disclosure on THEIR part, so I realized that I had NO obligation to respond.

My solution to the problem was to change the blog address slightly, make a post about who the blog was for, and ignore anonymous complainers, questions, or rumors.

By April of 2007 a HUGE change happened for me! I met Peterson Toscano, from whose blog I had learned so much. Here's my first "coming out" as a very timid ally: April 2007 (note added 10:18 on Friday, 4/16/10**somehow this link was omitted in what I posted)

In 2008, by the time Ray's Word contract had expired (April of 2008), Ray and I decided together that it was becoming the "right time" to go public. Ray wanted to sing again. He had new songs, and he had gained a level of self-acceptance that assured him that he no longer wanted to be closeted. For myself, I had learned enough and made enough contacts in the world of advocacy, that I WANTED him to come out! I WANTED to be able to stand up for other people, and I WANTED to be openly affirming of ALL people who identify as GLBT. In September, what we refer to as "the article" came out.

When I felt I could be silent no longer (which I've never been good at) I decided to start a brand new blog and call it, "My heart goes out." This time around I didn't want to be vague, veiled or anonymous. I knew that putting things on the internet was going to open myself to more criticism, but I had nothing to be ashamed of. I was not ashamed of Ray, our life together, nor our decision to divorce. Sad, yes. Still grieving, yes. Closeted as an ally? NO! I decided to be open, self-revealing, and honest, and once I made that decision, I just kept at it. I knew that reading the stories others shared had been so valuable for me, I wanted to share that with others who need it. Without having to hide, I could once again be myself, and I think everyone wants that. It's what I want for others, and it's why I'll continue to write.

So if you want to read some of the backstory, go see my quilts and my "secret blog." If you want the open story, want to know what I really think, or if you're just plain "nibby"* you can catch up on this one. There are no secrets any more. :)


*http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=nibby

Proud in an allied way

Since this month is full of Pride events, I'm making it clear for all the record: I'm a proud ally of my gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender friends! It's not that I understand everything, and for sure I don't know what it's like to be discriminated against, but I DO know that God made us all, we are all loved by God, and all of us deserve the same rights!

So I ask myself: How do I make a difference? How do I express the respect and PRIDE I have in these gay friends?

To begin with, I don't hate my ex-husband, who came out about 4 1/2 years ago to me and our immediate family. Later, in Sept., 2008, he revealed this to the greater public through an interview in the Washington Blade.

Next, I make supportive comments on blogs. These are connected to my name, and I'm not anonymous any more. I'm free to support the people and ideas I believe in.

I share stories and blogs of interest on social networking sites like facebook and twitter. This recently led to a "friend" who "unfriended" me. I was kind of surprised since she's a local person from the church I used to attend. Hmmm...why was I surprised?

In conversations I speak up for the rights of gays. I won't tolerate jokes that ridicule what it's like to be gay. This is both easy and it's hard, especially when you have bozos who don't listen to reason or are insensitive. I don't mind a bit to speak up, but I'd like to know the IMMEDIATE comeback in every situation, in order to say what I think and believe.

This is a small thing, but I put a little rainbow-colored whirly-gig in my plants, and I aimed it at the preacher's house across the street. I know, that's a little bit of attitude, but I LIKE IT!

I read and try to keep up with issues that involve equal rights. I post stories on my blog, with comments on how they affect my life. I try to discuss these issues with people who can be swayed in a positive way, and I try not to inflame the rest of the crowd. Sometimes I fail at that, but I've heard it said, "You draw more flies with honey than you do with vinegar," and even though I don't LIKE flies, I think the point is evident.

Of those who become upset with me, I figure that this is a minor thing, and I call them not friends but, "former connections." I also know that I've made friends among people that experience crap from those who aren't listening, and I'm proud of those discriminated-against friends. It isn't hard to stand up with PRIDE for FRIENDS.

I'm standing up, saying: Enough. Gay people are dying. It's wrong.

(this is an excerpt from a longer essay)

In 1975 my husband and I had become full-Gospel, charismatic, tongue-talking, Bible-carrying believers, and we thought that Jesus was the answer to everything. We had faith, and faith was the key to everythng: health, prosperity, happiness. We knew that if the Bible said it, it was for us to "claim." We "claimed" for ourselves verses like Mark 11:22 "...Whoever says to this mountain, 'be removed and be cast into the sea' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, and he will have whatever he says."

Our preacher, Dr. Hobart Freeman, as well as many other charismatic teachers of the time (that we eventually were told by Freeman to disregard because they didn't show "true faith"), taught us what it meant when in Hebrews it said, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." We were to have faith not merely for salvation, but for ALL things that we needed: a home, an income, a family. And medical needs, including home-birth deliveries of our children. And a nice car, maybe even a Cadillac like Freeman himself drove. For the men, a full beard. Clear skin for the women. Broken bones were to be neither straightened nor set except by way of prayer. No need for a doctor but sometimes you could use a dentist. And you must only use real butter in your home-made cakes. Women were not to work outside the home. Insurance showed that you didn't have faith. Only certain jobs were "approved." Don't wear glasses, because Jesus died for your "healing." And the legalism extended on and on - to the clothing, the brand of shoes, and whether or not ears could be pierced and still hold on to your salvation.

As faith was applied to serious illness like cancer, natural childbirth without the aid of a doctor or licensed midwife, and when chronic diseases were ignored in favor of "faith for healing," people began to die. A friend, Alice, as well as her unborn baby, died after she labored for days without medical treatment. Judy's full-term baby was stillborn. One baby died due to the fact that it would show "lack of faith" to suction the mucous from the baby's nose and throat. One report says that there were as many as 52 deaths associated with Faith Assembly and Freeman's teachings.

In the fall of 1975, six months after we married, and when I was pregnant for our first child, we packed up our stuff and left in the night, telling almost no one, and we moved to live nearer our parents.

Meanwhile, with all the peer pressure of that group, Faith Assembly, neither we nor anyone else ever stood up to Freeman or his circle of ministers and said, "Enough. People are dying. It doesn't work. You're wrong." For all the good intentions and spiritual goals, for several years mothers giving birth continued to die needlessly, babies and children suffered with treatable illnesses, and others were orphaned when their parents wanted to be healed by faith at ALL costs. Finally Hobart Freeman himself died, yet I think there are still devout followers who hang on the the illusion that it was the people who erred, not Freeman himself. How wrong and how sad because many even turned from God altogether - they'd suffered enough. My descriptions cannot show how badly families deteriorated as the direct result of this cult of "faith." Many were left in the wake of cultish behavior, and it was all in the name of Christ.

Fast forward to the present. The group I've described seems way-out and out-of-touch. It's seen as legalistic and radical to think that to show your faith it is required to disregard medical treatment. Whether or not you wear a certain brand of clothing does not prove anything about your spiritual walk with God. And surely we have moved toward women taking full advantage of the opportunities and career paths.

And yet today, Christians are still trying to apply principles of faith to something that does not work: they think faith can change the sexual orientation of gay people. Despite medical and psychological evidence, first-person accounts, and the witness left by the suicides of so many, why is it that so few Christians will STAND UP to say, "Enough. Gay people are dying. It doesn't work. You're wrong." Having come out of that cult of faith-mentality, it still applies to this area, and I'm standing up, calling it wrong. I see it as the same thing - and I'm not so timid as I was when I left in the night!

Just like at Faith Assembly where people needlessly died because they believed so desperately, there are young people (and old) who feel that being gay is a sin and their solution is death at their own hand. Let's not let more young people die over this!

Even more, groups today like Focus on the Family, who have hypocritically turned away from Ted Haggard and his family, yet put out negative information about the movie, "Prayers for Bobby," think that any opposing evidence will hurt their cause. Many churches, where I've heard them say that it is the "gay lifestyle," that causes suicide, will not accept that really it is the alienation, depression, and hopelessness that a gay person feels from their Christian family, church, and from their friends. They are even told that it is God that rejects them.

My question is this: When will others in church stand up and say with me, "Enough. Gay people are dying. It's wrong. Your "cure" doesn't work."

In the same way that I, as a Christian, (one who grew up into faith in Jesus, and who wanted it to be evident that I trusted in God), finally had to put off the myth of a legalistic and super-spiritual cult, I now must stand up for my gay and lesbian friends. It means I am not the same as the fundamentalists that helped frame my Christian life. It means that I have to stand on the principles that Jesus taught: love and forgiveness, rather than the fundamentalist assumptions of my old friends. It means that I'm a straight ally of people like Bobby Griffith, who committed suicide because he was gay, and the late Harvey Milk, and all others that have come out in the last 30 years.

To look back from my years in the pew of a country church, to church camps, and to coming out of the cult, all the way to where I am now, a lot has changed. In another 30 or 40 years, I wonder what else I'll look back upon and see as my journey evolves. I know this, that I'm still a follower of Jesus. It means that for those who are trying to just live their lives, I am standing with you.

(to the right is a photo of Bobby Griffith and his mom)