the Boltz family is no different (well, just a little) - edited version

(This post needed to be removed, since it was posted while I was deluded. My kids were right, and I needed to back out of what I posted.)

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

One more note:

This weekend I am attending the Anti-Heterosexism Conference in West Palm Beach, Florida. Sponsored by several activist groups (Soulforce, Truth Wins Out, National Black Justice Coalition, Box Turtle Bulletin, Beyond Ex-gay, and Equality Florida,), I am pleased to be getting together with friends and fellow outspoken individuals who are learning more about how to make a difference in our families, places of work and livelihood, as well as our communities at large. IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, come out to West Palm Beach for this event! We are working to do the following:

• challenge heterosexist attitudes that exist on personal, interpersonal, institutional and cultural levels.
• speak out publicly against the dangers of reparative therapy, ex-gay ministries, and other "conversion" efforts.
• build community to advocate for LGBTQ people and support them in leading successful, happy, and productive lives.

There is still time! Register at the event if necessary! Be there to enjoy the speakers and the community that is working to come closer to to ending heterosexism.

One year since Ray came out

Yesterday I realized it had been one year to the day since Ray came out publicly. What a year it's been. First off, there was one after another supportive e-mails to the website. That was within the first few hours. Then the FLOOD of, "I can't believe it...", "I'm so disappointed...", and, "How could Ray have chosen the gay lifestyle...?". I began to make some folders for the different responses. These folders were 1) Supportive, 2) Non-supportive, 3) Oddly supportive. Sub-folders under the non-supportive ones were a) Stupid, and b) Downright mean. I have 1000s of each type, and I keep getting them all the time.

But what are the real, personal changes that have occurred since LAST Sept. 12?

For one, I could finally walk in the open! I was no longer closeted! I always had felt I did nothing to be ashamed of, and I could now hold my head high and not worry about what people knew or didn't know. If I wanted to, I could be open about my life and my family (including Ray, if it was pertinent).

Two, I started being open online. I started this blog. And through the blog, I began to make contacts with other wives, ex-wives, husbands and ex-husbands, who knew FIRST-HAND what it was like to have a GLBT spouse. I often hear from both sides, and I sympathize with them all. Many married in hope that they would be "healed" or "fixed" from gay feelings, along with real love for their spouses, only to realize sooner or later that they were still gay. Lives, entwined with family obligations, became tangled and hurt. It's amazing how these online connections not only help to know, "I'm not alone," for us all, but how widespread mixed-orientation marriages really are.

Thirdly, I am now an outspoken advocate for gay rights. I don't have to be a silent partner in the work to end religious discrimination against GLBTQs. Outside of the religious network of churches, there really is a growing acceptance of gay people, and so work within our churches is essential. I want to be able to continue speaking up on behalf of ALL gay folk, and I do not have anything to apologize for.

When I make new friends these days, they know within a short while of knowing me, that I'm supportive and affirming of ALL gay people. If they don't agree or can't see it like I do, then they have to decide if I'm still worth their friendship. I'm making new friends these days, and if they aren't at the very least WELCOMING of GLBTs, then they probably won't be in my close circle of friends. My life can't be closed off any more, and I won't be silent.

Also, my kids now have the freedom to mention their dad, and they do, without shame. They can openly be proud of their dad and all he's done and who he is: Their DAD! They don't have to make excuses, and can speak up as being the close family that they are. No secrets keep them hemming and hawing about anything. They love and respect their dad, and are not restricted by trying to cover up any part of their lives.

All together, I think it is generally known how I feel. 'Nuff sed.

Today I heard from another straight wife, who found out earlier this year that her husband has been secretly sexually active with other men for the past 4 years. My heart aches for her and what she's enduring. To make it all worse, she was court-ordered to keep silent. That means she can't talk with her grown sons, her divorce-care group, or her friends. I don't even know if that is legal! How awful to have to bear this with a "gag order" imposed that puts her into the dark, silent closet. What a wrong thing, even if it's legal. There's healing in honesty, and this woman needs to be able to openly say what she needs to say, in order to begin her healing. She hopes to someday be openly affirming as well. Kudos to her!

Openness and honesty is freeing, and it's life-changing when we have information that makes such a difference. For me, being out of the closet is much better. My life is worth sharing, ALL of it. I'm who I am. Ray's who he is. My kids have a gay dad - that's that!

It's been a big year for the Boltz family! Yeah for being OUT!

Update from Texas

I'm in New Braunfels, Texas, this week, where there is a heat wave with temperatures in, as they say on the radio, "triple digits." Then they say, "at least there's a breeze." So you take the bad with the good, right? But gosh, it is HOT! This whole town is built on recreation in and around Schlitterbahn Water Park, and the two rivers, the Comal and the Guadalupe, where folks come to cool in the spring-fed water, float along in tubes, and generally escape HEAT.

My dear sister, Donna, lives here, and she's been a great support to me since my husband came out to me. Being over 1000 miles apart, it's great when I get to see her and spend some time, other than to have a wedding to throw, a new baby to take care of, or other busy family event that takes our time. This trip, I've introduced her to several friends from Soulforce, we attended Austin Metropolitan Community Church on Sunday, and made a trip to the Alamo. I also got to spend time with my niece and her family, take a dip in the neighborhood pool, and have lunch today with my nephew in Houston. It's an enjoyable time - even though outside it's terribly uncomfortable outside.

Now to the reason that I am down here in June, in Texas. Just down the road in Austin, is the main office of Soulforce, and I have accepted an appointment to serve on the Board of Directors. We had two days of meetings last weekend as I joined the other members, Jeff Lutes, Chuck Phelan, Bill Carpenter, Mel White, Gary Nixon, Karen Ball, Julie Nemecek, Enzi Tanner, Phil Reitan, and Paul Egertson. I hope I'm up to the task, and that I can offer meaningful support to this organization that I support and believe in so much.

Update: Here's my bio on the Soulforce site! http://www.soulforce.org/article/1542

Brammer Get-together

I'm getting ready for a family reunion! In two days my sister, Donna, will arrive from Texas! Another sister, Betty, lives in Texas and is coming up, and she'll probably be staying with her son who lives in the area. All my siblings will be here, and most of the younger generation. I'm so excited, and there's still a lot to do!

For years, my mom did all the get-togethers. That was back before she had Parkinson's Disease, and there weren't so many of us. I have 5 other siblings, from my parents' two marriages (Dad was married once before he married my mom). All of us have assimilated into family, even though we didn't live together as kids. Even so, Mom always hosted the holiday gatherings, and later, it fell to me to get us all under one roof.

At first, and for a couple of years, even, when Ray came out, I didn't feel like having all the family in. The "news" hadn't been shared with them, and I wasn't up to a big crowd. Then, gradually, as I talked to some (and I'm sure they all discussed "it" with each other) I felt like they all knew how I was receiving it, and they didn't get bent out of shape if I mentioned Ray. My need for family was outweighing the worry about how they were all reacting. Last year I decided that if we all were to get together, I better call for a reunion! After all, Dad is 88, and his legacy is in this group of "rabble-rousers," and I wanted us to get together. So, instead of calling it a reunion, I named it the BRAMMER GET-TOGETHER.

It's an odd thing, family. Some of us feel connected, some don't. Some parts of the family get with each other more than others, and there are still others who will get acquainted this Sunday, hardly knowing each other. There can be hurt feelings, but there are also feelings of being close, related. There are memories that come from Mom, "Grandma" or my nephew, Jeff, who was killed last September in a tragic semi accident. None of us realized that last year's get-together would be our last time with him. I think it is one reason that some are making the extra effort to be here this year.

Basically, the Brammers are a Christian family, and it was quite a different outcome when they learned, a few years ago, that I was separated. Not that there hadn't been divorce in the family, but I was the one with the successful, Christian-singer husband, and we'd been involved in missions, went to church ALL the time, and our kids participated in church youth group with a lot of dedication. I'm sure there are plenty of them who still can't figure out what happened - and most of them haven't chosen to discuss it with me. (I am glad to sit down to talk, or to share resources that helped me).

This year there are spouses, kids, step-kids, grandkids and great-grandbabies, about 57, I think, plus the extras. In describing the "event" on facebook, I invited every Brammer, been-a-Brammer, related-to-a-Brammer, know-a-Brammer, or Brammer-wannabe! I'm sure that some won't be here, but we're sure to have a crowd!

I'm so distant from the hiding that happened when my husband had just come out. I love my family, and whether or not they agree with me, we are family. Nothing changes how I feel for them, and I'm so glad they are coming!