Phillip Hinkle, Wayne Co., IN representative

Representative Phillip Hinkle from Wayne County, Indiana, has just been "outed" in the Indianapolis Star, when he contacted a young man for sex. 

The article carries communication reports that involve Hinkle's wife, and I'm so sad for her.  If she is finding this information for the first time, it will be devastating to her life, her family, and her emotions.  I'm so sorry for her.

When will people live truthfully?  Why do gay men continue to hurt their wives in this way?  And for Hinkle to contact and pay for sex?...Well, there is no excuse for a married man to behave like this.  And to make it all worse, this state representative has voted to deny rights of marriage for gay people, while he secretly took advantage of HIS needs.

I don't want to hear that this guy is straight and has "strayed."  No, he's gay, he's married to a woman, he's voted against glbt people's rights, and he's hurt everyone involved.  

Call-in radio with Kim Iverson

It was raining and I was driving down McGalliard Road, the one with all the food places, and I was listening to Kim Iverson on 99.5. I was ready to get home as soon as I could, when she came to the call-in topic, "...and he's been married for 11 years, has 3 kids, and he thinks he might be gay. What do you think?"

What did I think? I thought: I have to call in! So I did. I pulled off the road, parked in the parking lot of a drug store, and called the number! Whether or not I said all that I intended, in the best way I could, in the context of a radio call-in show, maybe not. But I did get to express myself! I spoke up and basically said this:

"I think this guy has an obligation to his family, and should support them. But I also must disagree with the other callers, because "straight men don't want to have sex with other men. That would make them gay." *

*(direct quote from Tim, over at Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind)

I told Kim that I am familiar with the topic, since I was married to a man who came out as gay after 30 years of marriage. Then she became interested, at least by her questions she was. There were the shocked questions of, "Didn't you know?" and, "Did you have sex?" etc., etc.

So here I was, being "interviewed" by a nationally-syndicated radio host, talking about a subject so close to my heart - the closest. I felt like I did pretty well, and I was especially glad that I didn't cry! I guess I've spoken up enough in the last while or so (it's been over 4 years since Ray came out to me) that it isn't as raw as it used to be. Still there is heartbreak, and I said that. I never can forget that for myself or all the others who experience it, and I was thinking of this family - the wife married for 11 years, the 3 kids, and the dad who "thinks he might be gay."

When Kim asked me, all I could say about what he should do is that I knew that my husband ended up severely depressed, unable to work, and suicidal. The "feelings" don't go away, and this man needs to be honest. I came through it, because of how my husband lived, as very gay-affirming. I mentioned that there is support online for straight spouses through Straight Spouse Network, and that I am active with Soulforce, an organization that works for equal rights for lesbian and gay people. Did I say all that? Not sure, or not sure if I said it effectively. I did the best I could, short notice, nervous, and unplanned.

Hopefully there will be some help in that larger arena - for some who might not read this little blog. I realize this was just a mere call-in radio topic, one that gets on and off in less than five or ten minutes. But it DOES get people talking. And I said my piece (or is it peace?) and I hope someone can be more honest, more real, more healthy. I hope that someone can realize BEFORE they marry or have children that their true attractions are acceptable, and heartbreak can be averted.

What would YOU have said?

Snake oil solutions

Communications with readers is an interesting task. I love to hear from many of you, and with some people I am making friends. With some others I decide to not communicate further. I try to decide what comments to allow or reject, and it is totally subjective on my part. Honest questioning is allowed. Anonymous posts are allowed. But I will not allow anonymous posts that make claims that say that change of sexual orientation is possible. There are already enough sites where ex-gays may state those hopes, and for me, I just don't think it is valid.

This week an online friend said to me:

I don't even know you and I worry about you. It seems from your blog that you are so focused on defending your ex-husband. Which is ok. But taking care of yourself is important too.

I take this seriously, because sometimes I wonder if I take too much time to write and monitor the blog, and I ask myself if I'm too involved with GLBT issues. I acknowledged to this friend that I needed to consider my focus, evaluating what I do.

I know that blogs made such a difference and HELP in my life since 4 years ago, and I feel that it's important to make the new connections that I am making. I LIKE that, and I feel it's important. It has meant a difference in going forward to make new friends, and many of those I've made online, then later, in person. When so many of my formerly close friends don't or won't understand, it has been critical to make new ones! So, I don't just defend my former husband. I'm defending MY life, validating it, and finding support with new friends.

From an anonymous writer, who has written to me several (at least 8, maybe more) times, one of his messages said this:

I entreat you to email me regarding the biology of sexual orientation. Orientation can be in some cases quite fluid and in some cases not. There is a genetic basis for this. I am ex-gay but I do not foist my opinions on my gay brothers. I cannot determine who can and who can't change with a simple glance. However, biology does indeed not preordain sexual orientation. Email me at ***************** if you want to hear more. I've changed but Ray doesn't have to.
And yes, I am happily married with a son with special needs. I cannot and will not leave the side of my wife and my child. There is too much at stake in my son's precious life.

I replied to his e-mail with this:

Hello ***** (and by this time, he had given me his name, but I've omitted it),

I have received all of your messages, and I have also decided to reject your comments that assert that gay/lesbian people can change their orientation. If it were true, that would be great, but for Ray it was not possible. I know there is nothing in the world that would have caused Ray to leave MY side, and your repeated assertions don't make it any easier.

It is my position that to tell people, most of whom cannot change their basic sexual orientation, that they can change, is to do them a disservice. If you have such information, then by all means, submit it to the medical and psychological authorities, so that they may help people.

If you left homosexual behavior and are happily married to a straight woman, then I hope that you are fully up front with her, and I would hope that she knew the truth about your sexual orientation before you married. So many straight spouses hold out hope that their loved one is not really gay, that they might be bi-sexual, or have a sexual addiction, or some other not-so-gay problem, and it causes more pain, of which you may have heard.

Maybe you think that you can solve this, but we have sought professional help. We are doing the best we can with this difficult situation. I do not see a need to seek your advice. Although you think you are being kind, this is not something we want to pursue with you.

Yes, I hear defensiveness in my reply. However, I hear from many gay/lesbian married people, saying that they truly love their spouse, but that they are not able to share the intimacy (emotional connectedness, if you will) demanded in a marriage. This is due to the fact that they are critically wired differently, and it causes intense overload to their system. It's not that they are selfish, it's that they are self-preserving. To not recognize this on my part was to cause even more harm, both to my husband, and ultimately to myself.

As much as I wanted things to be different, I could not return to something that didn't exist. I could never again believe that I was the first choice. That is very hard to accept, but it is how I feel. I still, though, refuse to throw away the good memories. And if that seems defensive on my part, so be it.

In my search for help after I found out my husband was gay, I tried to find other straight spouses. Many were very angry for how their gay spouse behaved - and they were absolutely justified in their anger. Many saw that they'd been lied to and felt deceived, and they resented it. The despair in not knowing what to do is sometimes overwhelming. A lot of us straight spouses feel terribly overwhelmed, without the words to describe the pain we are going through. These are just PARTS of the ordeal that straight spouses face. Added are the questions one has to face about faith, self-worth and value, money problems, children, legal issues, health concerns, and all the day-to-day, ongoing problems of living. And then you hope - hope - hope - that there is a solution. And you will try just about any snake-oil product on the market. And reality sets in that there is nothing you can do, nothing you can change, nothing but to accept the truth.

Along the way I have considered every possible solution. If I had turned over one in my mind, I've pursued another. And every "solution" brings me back to this reality: I know the truth. I know the truth about Ray. I know the truth that he tried everything to change. I know the truth about our life. And, yes, I will defend what I know.

I now have had over four years to deal with this, but only recently have been able to express the feelings that I've gone through. Some of the feelings and plenty of the opinions have been simmering for most of that time, and I am now finally putting forth what I've processed.

Every time someone tries to tell me that they changed, or that they know some secret way to change, it is like pushing me down some dark, basement stairs in a dream that I can't wake up from. It is like holding out candy for a baby, then taking it away. I don't want to do that to people. Not to another wife, not to another spouse.

In closing this long post I want to be perfectly clear: I will not hold out false hope for "change." I know some still want to try, and that is fine. I am not for breaking up marriages, and I still wish things were different. For couples who opt for various arrangements, those are not options for me.

Thanks for your comments and e-mails, as they mean a lot to me. (I might even post some for the heck of it!) Thanks for reading!

Heart talk

Our hearts are fragile things, and all of us have one. I'm not talking about medical issues, but those intangible feelings that make or break us - love, heartache, loss, pride, happiness, peace, anger, forgiveness.

Today I realized that I have recently signed two comments on my friend, Peterson's, blog, with the closing, "my heart goes out to you." I was responding to another wife, like me, of a gay man. She, like me, had all of the emotions to deal with when this deep secret was revealed. I can't know how best to help this woman, but I knew that I could identify and share what has helped me. By closing in the way I did, I hope that she knows that someone else has been where she is today, and I lived through it.

Somehow I have made it out of my Christian fundamentalism, and the misconceptions of homosexuality that I had previously known, to a bigger understanding of gay people. My faith has been shaken, but it is still there. Without sounding presumptuous, and I surely don't have all the answers to so many questions, I have grown more than I even thought or dreamed possible.

Many things have helped me in the past [almost] four years, and there are ways that hope has entered my life and my heart. I hope that I can offer that to other wives of gay men, and perhaps to my friends who read this, too.

Keith Olberman on Prop 8

So many times I find that someone else says what I mean in ways better than I do. Here is an expample of that, and, rightly so. Keith Olberman is a professional communicator. While I'm not that, I do have some things I want to say to go along with this.

Earlier this year my former husband officially and publicly came "out" as a gay man. I had gone through the shock of that nearly 4 years previously, gone through the pain, heartache, sadness, and grief. Gone through the near-loss of faith in Christ, gone through dealing with so many, many questions. Fortunately, although I still experience many normal emotions of dealing with all this, I proudly stand with him as someone who loves and affirms the relationships of gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender individuals. And if it means anything, I want to post this video statement by Mr. Olberman.