It's late, and I had a late nap on the couch. That means I'm up and playing Bejeweled 3. Yay for video games. In between frustrating sets of the stupid game that keeps me occupied mindlessly, I check facebook. I see things that make me jealous: a sweet, young wife, pregnant with her 3rd baby in 4 years; a couple retiring happily to the south. I am ashamed to feel this way - that I have lost my favorite stories, lost my future... All these feelings crash into me, and I turn them over in my mind as I match jewels and hear the crashes of the computer game. What's wrong with me?
Every day in the gift shop, I approach people to ask, "May I help you find anything?" or, "Are you looking for something I can help you with?" Often the answer is "I'm just killing time while my husband has a test." or "I had to come down from the room - my sister is having chemo." Sometimes it's the chemo patient themselves, and sometimes it's the family of a new baby. As a destination in the hospital, we are a place for visitors to either celebrate happy events, or sometimes to get away from their problems. I try to be friendly to them all - while also being aware of privacy issues.
As one deals with "the public," it's easy to make assumptions based on appearance. I don't want to prefer the well-dressed, white-haired, retired-from General Motors woman or man, over the oddly-attired, needs a root-job and a job, older-than-her-years, probably-an-alcoholic woman who tells me too much information. Sure, it's easier to do that, but all the visitors who walk in the door deserve my respect. I recognize that each one has a life and came from a family - and they all are worth the brief time that I'm spending with them, no matter why they come through the door.
Sitting at my video game/facebook-checking desk, I wonder about my day and my feelings: "Who is looking at my life, thinking THEY have been cheated?" Do I come off as a "has-it-together, healthy, employed-with-benefits, obviously too-well-fed," person? Does anyone see me and think, "I ought to have her life."? (If they only knew the rest of the story.)
I realize these are just introspective ramblings, but they are my thoughts today.
Carol
e-mail me here: carolboltz@yahoo.com
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13 comments:
You've had it tough for the past few years. Turn to God and He will help see you through.
So wonderful to see you post again Carol. I've had the same feelings before...and still do pretty regularly. To be Christian and divorced is one thing. To be Christian, divorced from a man "fallen into the sin of homosexuality", in the eyes of many/most, is definitely another. We don't really fit anywhere it seems so often. But your love and support for your husband and others who find themselves in situations like his and yours is above reproach. And in that way it is ok to be in a class by yourself so to speak.
You and I and others like us will never have that Golden Anniversary and so many other milestones that go along with a long, happy, married life BUT we will have something many others do not have...authenticity, self-respect, and a love for others that comes out of the pain we've experienced and come through. Most people will never know, much less understand, just what we've been through and how we grieve and keep going. But through this suffering we have learned to be even more compassionate towards others who are hurting and grieving. I'm so glad that God has you where you are. I'm sure your smile and kind words help more people than you imagine they do.
Keep it up and keep posting!!!
Debbie
"Gay couples are going to get together. It's been happening since ancient times. Legal prohibitions didn't, couldn't and would never stop it. Isn't it better that gays conduct their relationships within the context of a well-defined marriage law, same as heterosexual couples?"
@Gay relationships - Why would you assume I didn't think this? I'm wholeheartedly gay-affirming, and support each person's desire to form relationships. Glad to have you comment here.
Hi Carol, I think that your entire story, the difficult parts and all, is what makes your life so beautiful. I admire your ability to forgive and the fact that you have proven yourself to be the definition of true loyalty in a public way that so many wouldn’t have withstood. I believe that through the fire of life we are refined into something stronger and better! Although I have never met you, what you have been through makes me what to be a more understanding person. <3
Thank you, Kristy.
If you've seen the new movie "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel," you're familiar with this saying: Everything will be okay in the end, and if it's not okay it's not the end."
I don't think God is finished with any of us straight wives yet. You are such a beacon of hope for many because you have survived and you have such a joy in your heart.
It's only been 3 years since I learned my ex-husband was gay and engaging in promiscuous and dangerous behavior and had contracted HIV. Thankfully, I not only escaped from a bad marriage but I avoided any illness.
But when folks at church announce their 54th wedding anniversary, I remember I'll never celebrate that. However, for everything I won't do, there's something I will do -- I will wake up free of the man who stole my life. I will wake up able to look in the mirror and know I didn't do anything wrong. I know every day that God loves me and has a plan for me just as I know he has a plan for all of us.
There is no "sin of homosexuality." My ex fell into the sin of adultery and lies. I'm still working on forgiveness, which is difficult when he has told anyone who will listen that the divorce was my fault. He also lives in the shadows, introducing his partner as his "roommate" and letting his religiously conservative family believe he had AN affair and presume it was with a woman. I honestly feel sorry for him because he still lives such a lie.
Bless you Carol for speaking the truth and being honest with your feelings.
I tell myself every day to "hang in there" and that's what we all have to do. Yeah, we'll have our jealous moments but I hope we'll have many more moments where we understand how blessed we really are.
Carol, This sounds like a chapter in a book. Maybe it's time to become a published author. :)
I remember going to a Ray Boltz concert as a young girl in Calcutta AG during the 1990's...I've been blessed time and again litsening to the awesome lyrics!...I remember meeting you when you came to Calcutta on a Compassion sponsored tour in 2002...reading your blogs I'm really impressed by the way you are able to forgive...Love you and praying for you..Sarah
Thanks, Sarah. I do have such wonderful memories of going to Calcutta, and I'm always thankful for my experiences throughout India. I'm glad you were there, and wish I could see you again in person. Thanks, again.
Carol, my heart does go out to those involved in the gay/lesbian lifestyle. I have recently lost my wife of 20 years to it. After 2 years, we are finally at the point of divorce. The pain has been worse than anything I can imagine and still lingers at times. The confusion is even more powerful. Only through the grace of God have I been able to survive and forgive. The hardest pill to swallow is the fact that I am leaving a good marriage, but to a wife who allowed her same sex attraction to override her commitment to marriage and family. I do believe that most people are born gay and in your husbands situation that may be true. I also know that many people may have these tendencies based on negative childhood experience and if accepted is society more families will be harmed like mine. If anyone doesn't think that homosexuality is a sin the all they have to to is see the damage that it has done to my wife and family. I understand that what you are doing is from your heart, but I do believe that your heart is in the wrong place. I know that this blog is primarily for hurt women, but I can relate to their experiences as well. My wife told me about this site and it has been very helpful for her to understand the type of things that I and her family have been through. I respect what you are doing, but don't agree. I do hope that you post this comment because it does reflect a different viewpoint and I hope it was done in a respectful loving manor.
Carol, my heart does go out to those involved in the gay/lesbian lifestyle. I have recently lost my wife of 20 years to it. After 2 years, we are finally at the point of divorce. The pain has been worse than anything I can imagine and still lingers at times. The confusion is even more powerful. Only through the grace of God have I been able to survive and forgive. The hardest pill to swallow is the fact that I am leaving a good marriage, but to a wife who allowed her same sex attraction to override her commitment to marriage and family. I do believe that most people are born gay and in your husbands situation that may be true. I also know that many people may have these tendencies based on negative childhood experience and if accepted is society more families will be harmed like mine. If anyone doesn't think that homosexuality is a sin the all they have to to is see the damage that it has done to my wife and family. I understand that what you are doing is from your heart, but I do believe that your heart is in the wrong place. I know that this blog is primarily for hurt women, but I can relate to their experiences as well. My wife told me about this site and it has been very helpful for her to understand the type of things that I and her family have been through. I respect what you are doing, but don't agree. I do hope that you post this comment because it does reflect a different viewpoint and I hope it was done in a respectful loving manor.
Hi Thomas,
Yes, of course I can see that you are writing a comment gently and with compassion. I am so sorry for the situation in your household. It's painful, hurtful, and wrong.
I personally am glad that there are things I didn't have to go through - and probably some I never will know about. I accept that, but basically I do not feel that being gay is sin. I did not, and I do not have to forgive my former husband for being gay, and for doing his best to be straight. That is not something to be forgiven.
If you read enough of the past entries, that I have written over the last 4 years or so, you will see that it was with great sadness that Ray and I decided to separate and ultimately divorce. It wasn't anything I ever would have imagined for myself, and it has brought me to the place I am. I am a more accepting, non-fundamentalist Christian. I'm willing to try to understand others. I try to realize that there may be a plan in the greater scheme of things, and it might even be a spiritual plan. Right now I can't be sure, so I'm open to it. :)
I am so, so sorry that your wife has behaved in a way that hurts you, and I hope you will be able to move forward for the sake of your children.
love and peace,
Carol
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