Grandma's cross-stitch: Be happy and gay

I don't have many "things" that belonged to my Grandma "Riney".  Her real name was Carrie Rinehart, and for as long as I remember, she was confined to a wheel chair because of strokes.  She lived with us (Mom and Dad, my older brother, Lee, and I) when I was about 3 or 4.  When Mom became pregnant with one of the younger kids, Grandma Riney went back to stay with my Aunt Evelyn, and she passed away the summer before I started kindergarten. 

I remember how Grandma wore her long, white hair.  It went in some kind of roll from one temple, around the back to the other temple - kind of where a crown would sit.  I rarely saw her hair down, and when I did I though it was strange and that she looked a little scarey - and Grandma was NEVER scarey.  I just liked it better when it was "up" and fixed.  

Grandma, since she was in that wooden, cane-bottom wheelchair, played with me a lot.  We'd pretend that we heard a kitten or a hurt puppy, and then go "find" the little animal.  I'd tuck it into her woolen shawl, pet it, and then push Grandma's chair around the house, looking for another one. 

Grandma was also really good at telling stories.  She told me how the Big Dipper got into the sky, and a story of pioneer children, Jim and Joe, who hid from the Indians while their parents went to town for supplies.  I was entranced by her stories, and my Mom went on to tell the same stories long after Grandma was gone.  I loved imagining those little boys, and one was "crippled" and had to be pulled in a wagon - which the older boy did willingly, and saved the boys' lives until the parents returned from a very long trip to town! 

Years later I realized that Grandma's boys were really named "Jim and Joe," and that Joe had died years earlier of diptheria when he was only about 7.  After his death, Grandma, not yet 40, had a stroke and had to teach herself to walk again - without help from therapists (it was before 1919).  I know that year because after Grandma lost her son, and endured an alcoholic husband, she gave birth in her 40s to little Mildred (or Millie) who was later to become my mom.  

Later in life, some time after Mom and Dad married, Grandma suffered a stroke again - and there may have been multiple ones - and this time it permanently left her unable to walk or move her right side.  Still, she kept herself busy, and I often watched as she cross-stitched with her crippled right hand, and her clumsy left one.  She used a hoop, and made many pillowcases, dresser runners and wall hangings.  I loved watching how she pulled the thread through the cream-colored material - and it wasn't counted cross-stitch that is popular now, but rather pre-printed flowers, birds and current sayings. 

I treasure two of Grandma's samplers, and one has been hanging in my home continually for many years.  It says, "God bless our home."  It's framed in the original frame from years ago. 

The second one was re-set in a more modern frame by my mom, and she probably did it for me when one of my babies were born.  I hung it in our bedroom for years, until at some point the words didn't seem to be "current."  Today I was going through some boxes in my storage barn, and I pulled it out!  I was so glad to find it, given the feelings I have for my friends and loved ones who happen to be gay -

Now you may wonder how in the world this relates to this blog, and why I felt like writing about it today...

And on the back, in Mom's writing, was this message: 












I'm getting ready to do a new mat and frame for my grandma's cross-stitch sampler.  I'll use Mom's handwritten caption, along with the old saying.  I think it will be beautiful.

It was in 2001 that Mom died and that was just three (plus) years before Ray came out, and I've wondered how she would have accepted him after his disclosure.  She adored Ray as my husband, and loved his music, and I have writings that she left saying, "I want to show God's love to everyone..."  And with those characteristics, I really can imagine that she'd have seen through the church garbage of rejection, and she'd have known he did his best for his whole life, and she'd let Ray know, even today, that she loves him no matter what.

As for my Grandma Riney, I didn't know her faith or her feelings, except that she loved ME.  While in the 1950s it was before the current term meant what it does to us today, I like to imagine that she was saying to Ray through her stitches, "Be happy and gay." 

Those who try to understand

On this blog I sometimes talk about those who get it as "us," and "we," while all the rest of the readers are "those who don't." As much as I can, I want to bring those two groups to the US of it all. No, I don't want to be too critical of "the Others," because I was once one of them. Oh, I suppose I could go off on a LOST reference, but as much as I like that show, I don't think I can explain the physics or the time travel story lines. It does make me wonder if you can change non-Lost fans into true Lost fans, but the analogy would fail somewhere, so I won't try. I'll just assume that it's easier to become gay-supporting/affirming, than it is to undertand LOST!

I once heard from a GLAAD staff member (and have referred to it in the blog) about the "moveable middle." I was asked what that is, and how I got past that, coming to understand (and advocate for) gay people. But how can I describe how I made that change?

Yesterday, I sat thinking about that when a new reader wrote:

I have read, Goodbye I Love You, twice and Mel White's book twice and I still don't get it...but I want to. I want to understand. In addition to these books I have read about every other book written by gay persons that I could find. I realize that one does not need to understand something, either a person or a concept to be accepting of that right to exist within the confines of that situation. But.....I still don't get it. I am still struggling, still trying....

Acknowledging that it's not easy to change, this reader is sharing that she's genuinely TRYING to learn and understand. Reading material, talking to others who are affirming, and writing to bloggers (like me) whom she doesn't know - those things all show honest determination to "get it." Being honest enough to say, "I want to understand," will go far to help this person grow, change, and become accepting of the sexual orientation of others.

I talked to my daughter about it, and she's the one who came up with this, a very simple explanation: "There's no difference." Isn't that genius? Of course it is, because Liz is smart, insightful, and inclusive (and I love her for those and so many other reasons!).

I remembered back to an e-mail that I got from Kathy, another straight spouse of a gay man. Kathy was so helpful to me, even though we have never met, even yet, face-to-face. I found her profile on the yahoo group, Wives of gay/bi husbands, and it stood out to me because she had been married a long time (over 30 years) when her husband came out to her. The two of us exchanged several e-mails, and even though I can't find the original story she shared, I will paraphrase it here:

...Imagine if you were stranded on a desert island, occupied with only other women like yourself. Years pass, and there are no men around. After a long, long time, you become close with a woman who is your best friend. The two of you gradually spend exclusive time together, build a hut, gather food, grow a garden, and fish for your meals. For warmth you sleep together, and sometimes there are intimacies shared. After all, you are closer to this woman than any other, and you love each other like family. The two of you are committed, 100%, and you expect to spend your entire lives together.

Then, one day when you are looking for food on the island, you come across another village, and much to your surprise, it is filled with only MEN! As you approach the top of a hill, you crawl to the top and "spy" down to this wondrous sight! Men! Men, men, men, men, men! Your imagination goes wild! How you miss MEN! Then you think...oh, no, what about your partner? You better go back...

...For days it is all you can think about: Oh, if only you could get close enough to see them closer, maybe talk to one. What if I could smell what a man smells like! What if I could touch one! And you know that if you could, you would.

So, what do you do with your woman partner? How is it that these men have probably been there as long as you and your group of women? And how could you possibly have settled for partnering with a woman, when all of your being, all of your soul, only, ever wanted to be with ... a MAN?

My story probably isn't as detailed as the e-mail that Kathy sent me over 5 years ago, but it helped me see that what someone is truly attracted to doesn't change. Just like I would be the spy on the men, so would a gay person who "settled" into a straight marriage.

Most times, analogies break down, yet there are many that you can draw from, and some of them might help bring insight into understanding sexual orientation that is different from one's own.

If you are a straight person who is trying to understand gay attractions, imagine all the attractions you have to the opposite sex in general: the way they move, the smells that are so sensual and GOOD, sounds of their voices, how they sound when they laugh. Whether they are smooth or rough, tall, short, slim or plump, however they feel when you touch them - how they think, walk, or smile - ALL these things make up attraction. And for gay people, it is JUST THE SAME. No difference! Try to wrap your head around that, and it's not so hard.

Questions for a young friend

I wrote this to a young friend today:

Hi there, ________,

You probably only have a vague memory of me, but I'm sure you know who I am. I'm still the same person who taught your brother in Sunday School, and our family was close with your Uncle (but we haven't heard from him since Ray came out).

I read your comments on a fb friend's note. She saw the video, "What was I supposed to be?", on YouTube, and she saw someone's comment: "If the fetus you save grows up to be gay, will you still fight for it's rights?"

You said:

u can defend gays all u want and i dont mean to be a complete douche i am not anti-gay if they want to do that thats their problem but the bible clearly states that homosexuality is a sin and they need to take that up with God .

and then...

i am not judging anybody just reinstating what the bible has already said u want to believe that being a homosexual isnt a sin ur welcome to thats God giving us our free choice in what we want to believe but just saying the bible is complete truth and it says that Being gay is a sin so whatever i am not having this argument its a waste of my time trying to explain my reasoning

I wanted to comment, but don't want to come across as critical of YOU, so I decided to write you a personal letter/message

My friend, I hope you realize that you are hurting people with your assumptions that they are choosing to be gay. Years ago a friend of mine from church revealed that she was lesbian, and everyone I knew talked badly of her and basically discontinued contact with her. No one continued to ask her to participate in fellowship, get-togethers, in graduation celebrations, baby showers, or weddings.

Well, that didn't make sense to me. Even though I didn't understand WHY she would "come out" I knew, somehow, that she had not chosen something that would cut herself off from ALL the people she knew. She would not DECIDE to be the subject of all the gossip at the grocery store, all the hurtful comments mentioned alongside "prayer requests," or all the negative feelings put out by our little Christian church. That just didn't make sense.

So I decided to keep contact with my friend. I always accepted invitations from her, and I made sure that when there was an event at my house, I still sent her an invitation. I wanted her there! I wanted her to know that she was included, that she was important to me. (After all, we started Junior Church together, back when our girls were only 2-years-old!) Almost always we turned up at each other's events. And I wrote her a letter saying, "... although I don't understand, you are my friend, and I will always love you."

Right now, among your friends, it seems that there is a huge debate going on. Lines are being drawn, and people are saying mean things to one another, and many are lining up sides, "according to the Bible." I want to ask some questions, and I hope you will consider the answers in the longer term than just this week or this summer.

Who was Jesus talking to when he said, "by this shall all men know that you are my disciples, that you have love toward one another"?

Do you think it is more important to do what Jesus says, or to follow your beliefs, when he prays, "that you may all be one."?

In five or ten years, do you want to be remembered as someone who tried to understand people who are sharing something you don't understand, or someone who says, "I know the answers and you don't."?

Can you imagine what it feels like to be told: "You homosexuals are wrong and sinful, and there is no salvation for who you ARE."?

Do you really think that if someone is gay, that marrying a straight person will solve ANYTHING? Do you think that it is fair for that straight person to enter marriage without realizing that someone's same-sex attractions will NEVER go away? If your brother, or sister, or daughter or son, was preparing to marry someone who had "graduated" from "reparative therapy," would you trust that this person was now completely, genuinely heterosexual?

...and from a personal note...Why do you think that people like me have changed to realize that gays/lesbians are loved and accepted by God, and that they don't need to try to change something inherent in their make-up?

One more thing...I want to share with you a video that is available for rent at most stores. The title is, "For the Bible Tells Me So," and it offers a great place to evaluate what many fundamentalists think, and what is actually true about gay Christians.

You are welcome to write to me, and I'll do the best I can to share with you what I have learned, or you can read some entries on my blog. Maybe you will get a glimpse into real change of heart. I can hope it will make you insightful into why your friend brought up the questions that she did - and that you will see why we think it is so important.

letter to...

Still "doing the facebook thing," I got involved with a note/comment thread. Perhaps you can access it here

When a friend of a friend got personal, I decided to write my comment, and since the spaces are only so big, I needed to post it somewhere else. Where else? My blog. :) Here is the comment she wrote, with full knowledge that I had already commented on the feed.

She wrote: Would you really fight so hard about this if Ray were not gay and you didn't have the need to reconcile this with Christian teachings? God gives us choices and maybe he gives us tendencies. I tend to want to eat and watch TV for eternity, but I choose not to do that because it is not the best thing for my life and my family's. And don't tell me this is not a parallel to homosexuality. Does God make murderers, adulterers, liars? Did God make Judas? I feel like Dobson, I can't fight any more.* I can't change anyone. I love you all, and hope we will all see each other in Eternity.

*note here that that link was the topic on the facebook note where this occurred. I added it here,

Below is my response, omitting her name.

Hi (person on facebook, who wrote the comment above, and I had to reply)

Well I'm taking the bait to write a reply...

Your question is would I be fighting so hard for this if Ray weren't gay, and if I weren't trying to justify it.

Answer: No. That's because I would never have believed anyone else. I know Ray, and I know what it was like in our family. I had two friends who came out to me prior to that, and they both responded differently. One stayed with her husband, who had also had affairs with other women. Ten years later they are still together, and they told me they don't talk about it much. One of their daughters is gay, and she has trouble reconciling it, too.

Another friend of mine has partnered with her girlfriend, and they have been together 13 years. At first I didn't understand, and yet I loved my friend. I wrote her a letter and I basically said, "I don't understand, but you are my friend, and I love you." When Ray came out to me, she was the one I went to, crying on her shoulder, and she was shocked but was a great comfort to me. She calls me her "oldest and dearest friend," when she introduces me, because all our other friends abandoned her.

But with neither of these friends did I understand, until it happened in MY family, to ME, and being gay was part of the life of someone I know and love.

I would make more sense if I DID NOT accept and understand what it's like to be gay. I could be bitter because I was lied to. I could hate Ray because he left me. I could pitch a fit for all kinds of reasons - but I have c h o s e n not to. (I spaced that out because there is no italics on fb)

I could also be hateful because people won't simply listen to those who are gay, and give them the benefit of the doubt that it's THEM who live it - that they don't choose it any more than the natural color of one's hair or how tall they are or which hand they prefer to write with.

So I DO speak up for them and I will speak up for them and I'm going to keep on saying over and over and over and over: Listen to gay people. They are every bit as worthy as straights. There is NO difference in them as any of the rest of us. They deserve equal rights. They deserve to be accepted and loved and admired, honored, treated with dignity.

They don't deserve to be compared with those who willingly commit crimes or acts of violence. It is NOT comparable to murder, thievery, adultery, gluttony, or any sin.

I could easily take offense because you assume things about my life, but honestly, I am trying not to. Because this has gotten so long I know it will not fit in a comment section, so I will post it as a note on my wall.

In the beginning of this ordeal, I was embarrassed, afraid someone would find out, ashamed. I no longer feel like that. This is not an easy road I'm walking, and your "love" does not feel like love. It feels like I'm held at arm's length, that you are making an exception with me from being like you simply because I don't agree. And when you say, "I hope we will all see each other in Eternity," it feels like you think one of us won't be there. (Btw, I don't even think that is the main reason we follow Christ, just to get into Heaven. I think there is more to it than that.) I am begging you to listen to gay people, and know they are 100% worthy of the same acceptance that you feel, among others, by God. It's the same.

Please don't read this as if there's an edge to it - I'm doing the best I can since we are not sitting with coffee in a kitchen, understanding the emotions involved. Do you have any more questions about my motives? I will do all I can to answer honestly and, as President Obama recently said, let's do it without reducing one another to caricatures.

Sincerely,
Carol

a haunting question: "Am I innocent?"

I sometimes get the question, "What if you are wrong about your support of gays?" Sometimes it's an honest question, and sometimes others are assuming that they can change my mind by their arguments.

I don't think I am, but I've struggled with my doubts. It was easier when I had black and white answers to just about everything, but it was long ago that I had abandoned simplistic theology. I learned years ago to accept single moms (or dads). I didn't turn my back on my brother (or my former sister-in-law) when they divorced, even though I didn't understand. It took longer to change my fundamentalist views, and I can remember trying to sort it all, trying to wrap my mind around how it would be to accept that the Bible wasn't literal in all it's written accounts. Then I began to realize that we disregard so much, such as that we don't cut off our hand if it offends us. Most everyone I know eats shrimp, pork, and cheeseburgers. Those things were forbidden in Old Testament Law, but now we have changed. I have several pieces of clothing with "mixed cloth," (they didn't even HAVE polyester in the Bible) and it would seem ridiculous to scrutinize my wardrobe in that way.

Yet somehow there is still offense drawn by church people when it comes gay people. Young people who realize that they have gay feelings often abandon the churches they love being part of, because they hear and internalize guilt over something they don't choose: their sexual orientation. They don't feel that they can be honest if they bring a partner - or simply a date - to a church function. And sadly, we teach kids from a young age to separate from loved family members, just because those family members are gay.


Today I read a post by a guy who blogs on Reconciling Ministries Network. He wrote this:

Am I Innocent?


I lay on my back stretched out on the Futon. The cat hovered above me, her white-tipped paws firmly planted on my chest. She watched me through her green eyes leaping out of tufts of grey fur. She purred as I gently rubbed my hands up and down the length of her body. Suddenly the cat lowered her head and rubbed her forehead on mine, marking me as her possession.

The cat reminded me of the time my partner Derrick and I burst through the door of my sister’s home with red racing cars for Luke, art supplies for Francis and a board book for Louis. My nieces and nephew danced around our feet. “I want to show you my new room,” Francis screamed in competition with Louis waving her new board book in search of a reader. Luke scurried across the living room to play with his new cars.

As Louis sat next to me on the couch and I read her stories, I wondered how she would receive me after "the talk" about her uncle and his friend. Would she grow up like family members who want me to stay away from her. Maybe Louis would never have "the talk", but hear Pastor Dell, Elders Kevin or Don or even her Christian school teacher rail about how "homosexuals are destroying the moral fabric of the nation." Would Louis continue to view me with the innocence we shared learning the alphabet from her new board book?

I just realized how often I ask this question, even subconsciously. Am I innocent? Most of the time, I don’t even hear my soul breathing the question as my family, church and society enforces their reality that being gay or transgender is not innocent.

The cat finished rubbing her forehead on mine, lay down on my chest and slowly lowered her eyelids for a nap. She purred and swirled her tail between my legs.

My insomnia finally surrendered and I fell asleep in the innocent embrace of the cat.

---

Wow - what a post. It's hard to ask a question like that, much less put your thoughts on a blog. I think it affects many who are going against the flow of what we've always heard. I have so changed from how I was "taught," and I can't go back, but still, there are all the voices that whisper, "What if you are wrong?"

I keep hoping for people to see "just people," and not merely sexual orientation. I keep hoping for those little ones to grow up accepting their uncles and aunts, never giving way to the harmful effects of Sunday School teachers, preachers, and others who damn with their words those who are gay. I hope that they'll grow up to accept the grandparents that have moved far away - the ones who came to accept, later in life, that they are gay, and who felt it necessary to move far away to escape the glares and stares of people they used to go to church with. I want those kids to learn that all love is part of God, and that we can do better than to cause pain by rejecting gay family members.

In our family, we will be ones to raise the grandkids to be the different, new generation, ones who can be accepting, so that gay people won't have to wonder, "Am I innocent?"