Bare to the Bone

Lately I haven't had much to say, so I'll put up a song.

This blog can get tedious if I try to write when I don't have something to say, and I don't want it to rule me, like the tail wagging the dog.

Thoughts go through my head, but some thoughts are too revealing, personally. Other thoughts seem to be someone else's story, and I don't want to share those. When I complain too much, it doesn't make a good entry. So I'll share this little clip from Carrie Newcomer. She's an Indiana artist with a smooth, low voice, and lyrics that knock me out. I thank God for beautiful music, wonderful artists, and I always love singer-songwriters.

Adele Sakler, gay activist/Christian, interviewed by Kevin Davis, fundamentalist Christian

Since starting this blog, I've come to be acqainted with some very good writers and bloggers, and I'm privileged to share an interview of one of these people, Adele Sakler. Adele's regular entries can be read here, at Existential Punk, and here, at Queermergent. I admit that I don't hold my own in debate settings, and so I look to others who do. Adele very clearly shares her search for God and her search to reconcile her sexual orientation in an interview with Mr. Kevin Davis, over at the third place

Kevin asks questions of Adele Sakler about being gay and Christian. His questions from fundamentalist Christianity are what many want to ask, but rarely are they as civil as Kevin, where he also is allowing and monitoring the comments. Kevin has the very "right" person to interview, and Adele's answers are open and honest. I want to say a "well done," to both Kevin and Adele. It's communication like this that, I hope, will help to bring more understanding between fundamentalist and more liberal Christians who accept that being gay is compatible with following Jesus.

(I've always had) Crushes on boys (and I'm not ashamed)

As a little girl, I can remember my first "boyfriend," Mark. Mark was in my kindergarten class, and he told me one day at nap-time that he had a new girlfriend, Chris Dueker. Bless her heart, she was a nice little girl, daughter of the Methodist preacher. Mark and Chris lived across the street from one another, and now THEY were bf/gf, and I was left out. I punched Mark in the stomach - and he was on crutches from a broken leg. I guess now Chris would get to help him with his crutches instead of me. Oops.

In 1st grade I had a crush on Jeff, Steve, and maybe Jeff again.

2nd grade - this year it was Bill (Arment) and boy was he cute. As I remember it from the last high school class reunion that I crashed, he still looked pretty good!

3rd grade - Lester Lash tossed a plastic ring in my desk before recess. I think that made something official.

4th grade - back to Jeff. I liked going in cycles, because in 5th grade I liked Bill again.

5th grade - Tony. Oh, he had a cute, very blond flat-top, and blue, blue eyes.

6th grade - I think I had a crush on Donnie, who went on to be a juvenile deliquent. No kidding, he was sent away for stealing a car or something.

By junior high I was really crazy about boys, and I can still remember most of their names! These were the kind of crushes where your heart races when you see that ONE boy between passing periods, or if you got to sit at the same lunch table. There were dances, and I went. Even so my best friend, Joyce, watched me and said, "Carol, you really can't dance, can you?" By 9th grade I got to kiss one of those boys, and that was a memory that thrilled me for days. High school crushes continued, but I never had a steady boyfriend after I changed schools. I wasn't very popular, and even though I had guy friends, and there was one boy I REALLY liked, I never went "steady."

Thinking back to ALL the guys I can remember, I never once "liked" a girl. I can tell anyone, if I choose, every one of the important boys in my "romantic" history. For gay people, this is not the same. They've hidden their crushes, have been ashamed of those simple attractions, and have squelched sharing these hidden feelings for those of their same sex. I can share these things without shame - it's acceptable to have had feelings for other kids, and I don't hide in any way that I liked BOYS!

Why is it, then, that people (as in judgmental Christians) assume that gay folks suddenly "fall" into homosexuality? How come they think that someone who is gay DECIDED or CHOSE to become attracted to their same sex, when for example, they had been married to a straight spouse? And how is it possible that they refuse to realize that attraction goes way, way back?

In the same way that I'm straight, and in the same way that I had crushes as a kid, gay people also have feelings and crushes from early ages.

If there are judging Christians who are reading this, please take a look at your own "love history." It's not just a lustful thought that suddenly "takes over," but it is what one is attracted to that makes one straight or gay.

Nathaniel Marshall - American Idol Chatter (USA Today blog)

When I watched American Idol last night, I was excited to hear Nathaniel Marshall. Even though the judges spent quite a long time evaluating him and giving feedback, they weren't very positive about either his song or his delivery. The talk centered around it being "karaoke-like", and they likened him to Boy George, Olivia Newton-John, and he was singing a song by Meatloaf. According to Simon, only a minority would like Nathaniel's performance, so I guess I'm in the minority. I loved it! I voted for him, and if he gets to continue he can make an impact on the show - a good one!

Brian Mansfield of "Idol Chatter," (blog on USA TODAY) picked up on the dichotomy of Nathaniels' first acapella performance of, "The Anchor Holds," and he has written about it. Mansfield draws attention to the fact that Nathaniel might very well be saying to the AI world, "I'm gay and I'm a Christian,"...

Nathaniel first grabbed my attention during Hollywood week when he sang his a cappella version of a song called The Anchor Holds by Ray Boltz.

You don’t go an American Idol and choose a 15-year-old song by a relatively little-known Christian singer song by default. You make a conscious decision to go off-list and get special clearance so you can perform a song that very few people will know. But those who do know it likely will interpret it as a very strong statement.

For those who don’t know, Boltz is a Christian singer most popular during the '80s and '90s. He retired from performing several years ago, around the time he told his family about his homosexuality. He came out publicly last September in an interview with The Washington Blade and currently performs in Metropolitan Community Churches.

So if you go on national television and announce that you’re singing a Ray Boltz song, you’re sending a clear message.

It’s a risky move to introduce yourself to a national, mainstream, television-watching audience by saying, ‘I’m a Christian’ and then hope for their acceptance. It’s similarly risky for the first thing you say to that audience to be, ‘I’m gay’ (which according to some of the personal profiles that existed before Idol, Nathaniel is). But it’s a matter of an exponentially different magnitude to combine those two things and say, ‘I’m gay, and I’m a Christian,’ even obliquely. That takes some guts.

What a great kid! One who will put his voice and his persona front and center to the public. Knowing that people will judge not only his voice and what he chooses to wear, but every nuance of what they see of his character. I think this young man is wonderful! I'd be proud of him if he was part of my family - and I congratulate him for all that he's already done on American Idol.

Today the reviews are showing up and they don't look like Nathaniel is faring well. He is going against the flow for most of the AI audience, but I definitely loved his performance. His voice is great to listen to, I LIKE the young man, and he was entertaining. I hope he can continue to entertain us in the weeks to come on American Idol.

update...In case you missed the last nights' performance, here's the link to it: http://famewatcher.com/2009/03/video-nathaniel-marshall-i-would-do.html

Jesus said: Love God, love others

This morning I got a message from an old friend, Terri. She and I were connected 20+ years ago by church, and our kids were about the same ages. I looked at some old photos from back then, and I read some posts from a facebook group that we have both joined, and then I checked out a blog entry from Jim Johnson, a gay-affirming blogger who posted worship songs. Altogether, plus other things I've been feeling, make it all so clear that I miss church.

What I don't miss is the "fairy-tale versions" of how life is supposed to turn out right if you trust God and "make the right choices." I don't miss hearing about how other people have problems because they didn't have faith, or enough faith. I don't miss the echoes of how bad the "gay activists" are polluting our country, because I have heard that exact reference. And I don't miss the ones who say, "the Lord led me..." or "God told me..." way more often than Moses ever heard from the Almighty.

But I miss being part of the group of people who are seeking to be part of a goodness bigger than themselves. Ones who are volunteering at the food bank, or collecting blankets for new unplanned and unexpected babies. I miss being the volunteer who opens my home to the youth group, so that the junior high kids can hang out and eat cookies here. I miss singing with all my heart to God, and expecting God to help me in my loneliness. (oh, wait, I still do that!) I miss having coffee and donuts in the basement of my old church, right before sending the kids to Sunday School to act all "hyper" because I gave them so much sugar (oh, wait, there is no proof that sugar actually does that!) I better get back to my point...

I really loved being part of a church where I fit in, and now I don't. It's hard for me to open up. I don't trust that God is real, at least not in the way I thought in the past. I'm still trying to sort what I was taught from what I have learned. What I was taught is that the Bible is ABSOLUTELY literal, and now I hold a different view. Even though I still believe that that Bible is to be trusted for guidance, and that God is its source, I think there are many cultural influences that have changed in the thousands of years since it was written, to now, for us, in the 21st Century.

It isn't just that I am now supporting and affirming of people who are gay/bi/trans. Once I realized that the "clobber passages" had different interpretations, I began to see that there is a lot that must be interpreted differently. I now see that Jesus might have come to really show us how to live in this world full of sinners, and that is to show love to ALL people. That isn't easy - it's hard, and I have to depend on God more than ever in order to do what Jesus asked of us: "Love God. Love others as you love yourself." It's not church in the old way, but something better.

I find it somewhat unhealthy to put myself through the gauntlet of walking with my head held high, trying to be part of a place that doesn't "fit" for me any more. At the same time, there are glimmers of hope that things are changing. I'm finding a few people who are gay-affirming. As we become more visible as straight allies, I KNOW more will come alongside me and all the ones who have been hurt by the church. If I can change to become gay-affirming, and reach out to even the ones who have yet to become so, perhaps we can make church BETTER. I think Jesus wants this, and God knows I sure need to be part of church.

Today is Sunday, and I want to go to church.