Two entries today!
As I looked for help in December, 2004, after I heard the information that my husband was gay, I came upon Straight Spouse Network. I immediately requested "membership," to the accompanying yahoo group, After describing my situation, I "got in," with no additional requirements. Believe me, there are a lot of us!
Reading other women's stories, I soon realized that I was in the minority. Most women were angry, and justifiably so. Their gay husbands had cheated on them for years, and lied about important details (like the best man was the husband's lover). Gay husbands treated their wives, who believed they were marrying their best friend, like they had done something wrong. There were men who drank heavily, abused drugs, their own wives, and the children. Men who ran up debt with their lovers, flaunted their "new life" and left dependent children without homes, working utilities, or resources. I read all these stories, and thought, "why should I complain?" Ray had done none of these things. He pointed out to me, "It's not what you do, it's who you are." Although that confused me, it also helped me in the long run.
When I read these stories, I hurt deeply for these women, just like me, who married for life. Many were Christians, and they hoped desperately for their men to give up their "evil desires." Plenty of them were MAD, and plenty of times I was/am angry as hell, too! No one should be married to someone who cheats, continually disrespects them, or does not honor the marriage. Families are supposed to love one another and support one another both physically and emotionally. When both spouses are not giving to the relationship, is it really a marriage?
I cannot speak for women who have been mislead or deceived by a gay husband. I know they sometimes draw conclusions based on the same wrong generalizations that I had. I also feel for the husbands who thought that someday they would change - many pastors have actually counseled young people that they should "get married. Then these feelings will go away." That doesn't happen.
I understand when wives are not gay-affirming. I should probably feel the same way. I'm so sorry for what has happened. I don't have answers, as you each need to process your life according to your experience. Don't give up hope, because God sees all. I hope I can write and share enough to make it worthwhile to read. My heart goes out to ALL of us.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
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6 comments:
Carol, I'm so glad to have come across your blog. It's a privilege to read your honest posts.
I'm a 57-year old gay Christian married man (29 years) and we have four children (27, 25, 21 and 16). I only allowed the fact that I am gay to surface into my conscious mind 11 years ago when our oldest son was 16 and obviously very wholeheartedly heterosexual. I realised then that I had never felt like he did about girls/women, but conditioning from church and society had never allowed me to have the courage to acknowledge who I was - even to myself. When I eventually did tell God, out loud - in words and in tears - that I was gay, I was surprised to realise that He already knew and that He loved me just as much as before.
Over these last 11 years I've learned to accept myself for who I am and am convinced I should not have to feel in any way ashamed or have to 'justify' my faith in Christ and my sexuality.
BUT ... I haven't been able to tell anyone else, not even my wife, and this is a source of great pain for me - pain I feel I must keep inside. My wife is so dependent on me in all sorts of ways, and motherhood seems to have left her with very little self- confidence to face the world at large as a human being with an equal right to interact and not feel intimidated. This wasn't helped by struggling with the last 7 years of her mother's life (Alzheimer's) and feeling she didn't do the best she could have done for her.
Part of me wants to be honest with my wife - at last - to try to explain why for most of our marriage I have been a little detached, self-contained, independent etc., and at times not too enthusiastic about life in general. Part of me wants to assure her that it's certainly not HER fault, and that if I had been straight (as I naively assumed I was when we got married) I would have done a better job at being more communicative and dependent on her in ways she would have understood and liked.
But I feel the revelation of my sexuality would crush her very fragile spirit and destroy the rest of her life. So I suppose it comes down to a choice between her continued happiness and my own, and I don't have the heart (courage?) to ask for the 'permission to leave'.
So I see no solution as things stand but to continue, for the rest of my life, playing a role I've played tolerably well for so long - even though it's a lie (or at least not the WHOLE truth).
I'm sure that in both my case and in your own case our marriages, and children, have been a means of God creating something of lasting beauty. I think that in his 'economy' nothing is ever wasted - not even what in retrospect we might regard as 'big mistakes'. If I'd realised I was gay 29 years and not got married, four very special people would not exist now, four young people in whom I see a reflection both of myself and of my wife. And even though my wife and I are so different in a number of ways (apart from our faith in God) the years we have spent together have had the inevitable effect of 'shaping' one another in ways that we would not have experienced otherwise. I am certainly a 'better' person for knowning her.
I will look forward to reading your Blog in future and will pray for ever more grace as you face life's challenges - some of which I'm sure we could never have predicted.
David
Somerset, England
A note to the previous poster: I pray each day for the lost, the confused, for those who are hurting, for those for whom life has been a burden. But I especially pray for those who lift their burdens up, for die to self and live for others, who lay down their own lives in duty and fidelity, working out their salvation in ways that they would never have chosen, if they had chosen or known what they were choosing. There is nobility in living a life of duty, in meeting one's obligations, and there is sanctity in putting another ahead of self. May God bless you and keep you, and show you clearly the road that you should walk.
this response is to david, who recently commented on carol's blog.
i simply wanted to thank you for your candid words. i find myself deeply moved by your story. i don't usually have difficulty with words, but here i am...
...perhaps it because as i read your words, i think of my dear husband, who came out to me this year. i don't presume to know more of your experience than you have shared. i simply find myself full of respect and compassion.
grace--there are few realities more powerful. know that i too will be praying, praying that you know this truth in very intimate ways.
again, thank you for writing.
jordan
this response is to david, who recently commented on carol's blog.
i simply wanted to thank you for your candid words. i find myself deeply moved by your story. i don't usually have difficulty with words, but here i am...
...perhaps it because as i read your post, i think of my dear husband, who came out to me this year. i don't presume to know more of your experience than you have shared. i simply find myself full of respect and compassion.
grace--there are few realities more powerful. know that i too will be praying, praying that you know this truth in very intimate ways.
again, thank you for writing.
jordan
David - I can't say what you should do, but here are two things that Ray and I are glad of:
1) We know the truth.
2) Despite the pain, we are able to go on. Ray is honest with me, and I with him. Truthfully, I thought I could not go on without him, but I'm still alive! There is hope for tomorrow. I'm okay! And I've learned and grown, and changed so much. My counselor told me that without suffering and pain, you never grow. Well, I certainly have grown! And I can even smile when I write that.
There certainly is no wrong way to proceed here. No one can tell you what is the "right" way. There are so many emotional things to deal with. Plus, there are the financial considerations, and that can be prohibitive. Because I had depended on Ray's income, he has shared with me more than fairly in our divorce. He made sure I was cared for, and that has been at his loss. Things are not the same, since he had to give up his career in Christian music, but he lives an honest life, and so do I.
For nearly 30 years, Ray never did anything to hurt our family, and that is to his credit. I know that your wife may not or may never suspect that there is something wrong. BUT I am so much more glad that I know, in reality, who Ray is - if I had never known that, he'd have never known how much I really love him.
Thanks for your response, Carol.
I am deeply moved by your honesty and generosity of spirit. In particular I was impressed by these words at the end of your comment ...
"BUT I am so much more glad that I know, in reality, who Ray is - if I had never known that, he'd have never known how much I really love him."
This brought to mind a quotation from a Shakespeare sonnet:
'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds'.
You demonstrate the power of your unaltering love in the way you have responded to your own situation, and in doing so your unconditional love is multiplied by God to help many others.
Thank you
David K.
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