Two entries today!
As I looked for help in December, 2004, after I heard the information that my husband was gay, I came upon Straight Spouse Network. I immediately requested "membership," to the accompanying yahoo group, After describing my situation, I "got in," with no additional requirements. Believe me, there are a lot of us!
Reading other women's stories, I soon realized that I was in the minority. Most women were angry, and justifiably so. Their gay husbands had cheated on them for years, and lied about important details (like the best man was the husband's lover). Gay husbands treated their wives, who believed they were marrying their best friend, like they had done something wrong. There were men who drank heavily, abused drugs, their own wives, and the children. Men who ran up debt with their lovers, flaunted their "new life" and left dependent children without homes, working utilities, or resources. I read all these stories, and thought, "why should I complain?" Ray had done none of these things. He pointed out to me, "It's not what you do, it's who you are." Although that confused me, it also helped me in the long run.
When I read these stories, I hurt deeply for these women, just like me, who married for life. Many were Christians, and they hoped desperately for their men to give up their "evil desires." Plenty of them were MAD, and plenty of times I was/am angry as hell, too! No one should be married to someone who cheats, continually disrespects them, or does not honor the marriage. Families are supposed to love one another and support one another both physically and emotionally. When both spouses are not giving to the relationship, is it really a marriage?
I cannot speak for women who have been mislead or deceived by a gay husband. I know they sometimes draw conclusions based on the same wrong generalizations that I had. I also feel for the husbands who thought that someday they would change - many pastors have actually counseled young people that they should "get married. Then these feelings will go away." That doesn't happen.
I understand when wives are not gay-affirming. I should probably feel the same way. I'm so sorry for what has happened. I don't have answers, as you each need to process your life according to your experience. Don't give up hope, because God sees all. I hope I can write and share enough to make it worthwhile to read. My heart goes out to ALL of us.
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3 years ago