Know-it-alls: narcisstic, ill-informed

In general, I have to practice listening.

When someone has a story or fact to share, I make it a point to hear them, and I have learned to be quiet and think before I blab on about what I want to say.  That being said, I also have my opinions about many things, and I enjoy discussing similar interests with other people.  I'm not shy, and I am glad, when asked, to speak up.  Those who know me in the "real world" know that I'm a talker.   The thing I don't like is when someone talks over me - without regard for conversation.  I call that person a blabbermouth, or a know-it-all, both are somethings that I don't want to be.

Thanks to google, and to it being such a fantastic resource, I also discovered whole articles about "how to know if you are a know-it-all", "Ways to communicate with a know-it-all" and, fortunately, "How to deal with a know-it-all."

Now if you take your basic know-it-all, and realize that he or she is basically a narcissistic asshole, it becomes easier to just let them go on and on, and you just think about something else until they are done.  That's becoming what I do, at least, up to a point.  Let me share more.

Last week I encountered a know-it-all.  He actually fits the definitions I found when I googled "know-it-all"  Here was the basic definition:  (www.answers.com) One who claims to know everything and rejects advice or information from others.  

I will refer to "this guy" as Eric.  Eric is someone I met recently, and I have to deal with him in a professional manner, which only adds to the frustration.  And Eric's mistake, little did he know (nor did he probably care), was that he tried to instruct and inform me about the Tour de France.
 
For those who don't know me very well, this fantastic cycling event became my very-much-needed diversion when my life fell apart (when my husband came out as gay, my faith fractured, and the world as I knew it had to be restructured).  To say the least, I LOVE the Tour de France.  I read about it, I watch it on TV (even the re-runs) and I have attended the race in France more than four times.  I have favorite cyclists, I wear logo clothes, and I carry two souvenir keychains with me every day.  Not only do I revere the race, but I love all things French.  The race is simply the vehicle that lets me enjoy the country, the people, and the culture that I've only begun to discover.  As enthusiastic as I am, I am well aware that I've only scratched the surface - I'm an observer and I have so much to learn!

Having shared that with you, I think you can understand my annoyance or frustration when Eric started his lecture to me on Lance Armstrong, the Tour, and his rundown on the two.  At first I considered having a conversation, but that went awry when Eric ignored my input altogether, and there was nothing sensible for me to do than to drop it.  I simply waited until he was done talking, and then Eric and I carried out our business.  Done.  And I no longer had to endure him or his ignorant comments (because he really was mis- or little-informed).  'Nuff sed about Eric.

Switching gears now to another topic where some are know-it-alls:  Refusing to love and accept GLBT people!  By being "out" as an ally in real life, being publicly supportive on this blog, through e-mails, and on facebook, I try to engage with others about another of my favorite topics.  Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to do the hard work of thinking through or listening to and learning from those who ARE GLBT. 

This week I heard from "AL" with this message directed at Ray:


Comments: From: Al
 Email: aa@hotmail.com
Just heard your a sodomite. If thats so please quit using the church as a crutch and move on. You are only hurting Gods people and his message.





I responded:  (Well, first I wrote something hurriedly and mean, and I erased that.  THEN I responded with this)
Dear Al,  I would love to have the right words to respond to you, but nothing I say can really impact someone who feels like you do. So many who do not choose to be gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender or otherwise, are faced constantly with people who make assumptions and reject them.
signed CJ, Ray Boltz Music, Inc.

To which AL replied:  the only choice made here is that Mr. Boltz chooses to ignore Gods word and what he says about sin and also chooses to indulge in sin that is very clearly condemed numerous times throughout the Bible.  I'm not saying im perfect either.  I have moments of greed, lust, jealousy, pride, etc.  the only difference between myself and Mr. Boltz is that i will admit to mine being wrong.  he is being dishonest to himself and the very people he is claiming to minister to.  Just as i have to come clean to God after i sin, so can he.  God can and does forgive all sin.  The first step for Mr. boltz is to admit that sodomy is wrong.  Im sure he has heard all of this before, but i felt the need to say something.

I will pray that he is able to let go of this and give his life to god.

A fellow Sinner,
AL

Now I'm thinking:  This guy can't spell, capitalize, or construct a proper sentence.  He doesn't even use a capital "G" in reference to God, and he wants to engage in a debate on the essence of what sin is and isn't?  Because AL has not bothered to respectfully listen to any gay folks, I doubt he is going to listen if I take the time to continue talking (via e-mail) with him.   In cases like AL's I generally revert to what I said in the first place:  "... nothing I say can really impact someone who feels like you do."  


It could be said that I'm not willing to listen to AL, and that is sort of right.  Some might say that I am a know-it-all.  To that I sincerely object.  I admittedly say, "No, thank you," to the many who still hold their view that being gay is a sin.  Out of respect, I have to say that I DID listen to this message most of my life.  I'm steadfastly convinced that I was lied to, misled at the very least, and although I don't know of any time when I confronted someone to condemn them, I do know that I didn't accept or understand someone who was gay and Christian.

I'm certain that the fundamentalist message CAN be changed because I changed.  That does give me HOPE, and it can happen when the know-it-alls stop hearing only their own repetitive messages of condemnation.  Concerning AL and his comments, he probably never expected any reply.  I'll treat him like I did "Eric" - and so many others who are not currently listening - stop and wait until the misinformation stops so that some day we can carry on the business at hand, which for us Christians, it is to love God, love others.

To the ones who think they know it all, I plead once again:  Listen.  Don't be jerks.  Pay attention to others who live a life you don't understand.

Sex, God's way (and you know it has to be missionary)

Someone identified as "Love you" on Wednesday at 5:28p.m. in the comments on "Sunday morning sermon topic:  Marriage" wrote this: 

Do you suppose in your efforts to help others, you end up hurting still others? Do you think that your stole would be offensive to friends of Jesse Dirkhising? Is what you feel more important than the feelings of others? Do the rules and demands that you impose on others apply to you? You say that you are not patient with those who disagree with your feelings...yet you demand that others be patient with your disagreement. Is that right?

There are people who truly, really, LOVE children and have "always" lusted for them. These people try to live a normal life; they do not want to be physically attracted to children; and they grieve because they are. But, they can not change. Would you say that "God made them this way"? How about those who really, truly are attracted to dead bodies; to animals; desire bondage and rape; or only find pleasure in pornography? Is that the way God made them? Why would homosexual deviancy be different in the eyes of God than the others I mentioned? Why would God limit his love and understanding to only the deviancy of homosexuality? Many people feel that they were not "made" to be monogamous. They can not be faithful. They NEED many sexual partners. They were "made that way". Yet God clearly says Adultery is a sin. Why? Is God really glorified in homosexual and other "preferences"? Really? Prov.14:14 and 16:25. The truth is; "For all that is of the world---the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life--is NOT of the Father, but is of the world." 1Jn2:16 God made man perfect and good, and provided him with a wife/a woman as the perfect companion. Lust is a part of our fallen nature--not good. I ran a daycare. You are a mother; you and I know that naturally we are sinners. I never had to teach a child to BE selfish--TO hit; TO grab toys or TO throw a fit when they want thing their way! Their natural nature was NOT good. As a loving parent, we must guide them away from these natural ways. Just as God does not want us to steal, kill or lie to get our own way; he doesn't want us to commit sexual sin either. You may get all the world to agree and participate in your sin; but in the end, God says you will pay in your soul..Romans 1:27. It isn't cruel punishment, but truth that if you stick your hand in a flame, you will hurt and be burned. A loving father warns and puts a barrier around the flame to protect his children. Our society has been the barrier. You are trying to remove that barrier, to your hurt, and to burn all our children.

 To which I replied: 

What a tragic story of Jesse Dirkhising, and I’m so sorry if this was a friend of yours.  I presume, rather, that you are offended by the coverage that was lacking when he died, and you think that because he was murdered by two gay men, that it was BECAUSE they were gay.  No, they were violent rapists, murderers.  How awful.

It seems to me that you confuse sexuality, violence, and lust toward other objects, and even non-consensual sex acts, with ADULT, CONSENTING, individuals, legally pursuing relationships of their choice.  The important part is the relationships, and not the sex act, even though that IS the end result of sexuality.  I have said before that I do not understand sex without love, even though I know, of course, that it happens between both straight and gay people.  I also believe in commitment, even though there are situations where that does not enter into sexual relationships, either.  Sex just happens to be part of how we are put together, and yes, there are ways that we disrespect others as well as the way our Maker intended us to use this gift. 

You will not find anywhere on my blog that I condone pedophilia.  I repeat often that God DOES love us all, and no one is judged except by God, nor is God’s love measured by how we make love or with whom.  Rather than bring up various sexual preferences, I repeat that I’m not talking about how people “do it.”  My emphasis is that ALL of us need love, respect, and acceptance. 

Further questions about why I don't publish certain comments that I deem as hurtful

	One of the very thoughtful people who wrote some comments that I later refused to publish is Hadley Baker.  He and I have shared a couple e-mails, and although I consider his input to be worthy of dialogue, I do not agree with his views on gay people.  He wrote to me last week, and has agreed that I can use his name in sharing what he had to say.

Hadley wrote this:  

 

Carol,

 

I know you did not choose to publish my last comment on your blog.  I guess I would like to just leave you a final thought.  I would also like to thank you for emailing me back on my last email and comment.  Here's my thought:

 

I cannot help but notice that those who share your view on sexual orientation, gay marriage, etc. seem very close minded to opposing views.  I know it could easily be said that those who share my view are the same way.  But here is the difference as I see it.  I am not trying to silence the voice of people who share your view.  If someone wants to speak out and voice their beliefs on gay marriage, sexual orientation, etc., I do not have a problem with that.  I think is their constitutional right, even though I disagree with them.  However, in many modern countries of the world those who deem homosexuality to be immoral are being silenced. 

 

http://www.lifesitenews.com/ldn/2010/may/10050310.html

 

It would seem to any objective person that your agenda is to tell people like me that their beliefs are wrong.  You don't just want us to hear you, you want us to agree with you.  And now the governments of this world are getting involved and attacking the church or those with a moral objection to homosexuality.  It's happening in Canada and in the UK.  Soon enough in the US, people like me may be thrown in jail because of our "hate speech" (which is not hatred at all).  I just find it ironic that you would not want to publish views that disagree with yours, as though you are nervous to debate a view that challenges your own.

 

As I have said before, I am not angry at you, or Ray, or anyone else in the gay community (including supporters).  But I do not understand why people like me are being called a "hater"...since when is someone filled with hate because they adhere to their sincere beliefs of the Bible?  I do not understand this at all.  I can say as someone who disagrees with you, that you will do a lot more to gain merit and credibility if you will be open to dialogue rather than diatribe.  And I would say the same thing to the many people who share my views.  We all need to be open to discussion, to looking at the Bible and seeing what it really says.  Just a thought.  Thanks for hearing me out.

 

Hadley Baker

Dallas, TX

...here is my reply:

 

(and I made just a couple edits)

Hi John,

Sorry I'm just getting back with you.  I had my daughter and granddaughter here since Tuesday, and just haven't had time to reply to your courteous e-mail.  My daughter's trip was a short one, and all I wanted to do when I wasn't working was to hold the baby.  :)

You are asking about why I won't publish certain viewpoints, and your impression is that I am "nervous to debate a view that challenges" [mine].  No, that isn't the case, but let me explain. 

I read over the article on the street preacher in the UK, and I see where you think Christians are being silenced.  It appears to me that he was doing "street-preaching," and that he was expressing himself in regard to how he sees gay people.  He sees them as sinful and a threat to society.  He was silenced.

Meanwhile, I have read 1000s of e-mails directed to Ray and myself (sent to us as comments on his website), saying the same thing with slight variations, over and over:  Gays don't know the Bible.  Ray (specifically) has chosen a sinful lifestyle.  Fans are saddened and disappointed.  Ray didn't trust God.  Gay people just need to turn to Jesus - really.  Ray is leading others to hell.  Ray is a monster who was never saved.  Ray should just ignore what he feels.  If gay people were really saved, they wouldn't have "this problem."  Ray is demon-possessed.  Gays don't deserve forgiveness, as they have turned away from God.  Ray purposely deceived others as he sang.  (and MORE and more and more comments on blogs)  This is what we don't need more of, anywhere. 

Let's see---how many more phrases can I recite?  Plenty.  And honestly, do you think that fundamentalists will stop saying those things?  I don't think so.  They are perfectly free (and legally able) to continue to say those things IN THEIR OWN CHURCHES.  That is not going to change quickly - although I do believe it should and it is what I work toward.

I could nicely reply that I disagree with how you see all this - but it will not do me any good.  I can only reject offensive things that are said on MY blog, and try to help others tell their stories.  Each one of them deserve to have a venue where the rhetoric is NOT SAID.  And my blog is one of those places. 

I've wanted to sarcastically reply to some people's comments and say, "Oh, gee, now I see!  Your meanness and stupidity has changed my mind!"  But that's mean on MY part.  I am not mean at all, and I try to not respond in a mean way - even when I feel like a flippant remark is what I want to do/say.

What I DON'T want to happen is that my little blog is a place of more anger and venom spewed from ... what ends up as pretty close to hate.  I just want others to hear gay people's stories - and to listen to them. 

I realize that your faith is that being gay is wrong.  I had heard that during all the days of my church life, especially since it was a hot-topic since the Pat Robertson days of "AIDS is God's wrath" against homosexuals.  The anti-gay arguments have been used to raise money and spread fear.  Gay people, meanwhile, are just trying to live without being condemned.  They've heard all the "love the sinner, hate the sin" stuff, and they know they are no better or worse than anyone else.  Many have been raised in churches and places of faith, yet even though they adhered to ALL that was required of them, they still were/are not straight.  Your arguments are not going to change them, nor change me from being their ally. 

In addition, I would never want any one of my gay friends to have to read the same old arguments that you (or maybe not you, but others) would put forth.  That is not what my blog is for, and like I have said, I will not allow it. 

Sincerely,
Carol Boltz

 

Some comments are out of line, and I won't publish them

(This post is actually a comment I wrote in response to some (3-4) recent anonymous comments that object to how I defend the rights of gay people.  It is an answer to why I don't publish some comments, and some e-mails just don't get answers.)

I won't publish your comments that criticize gay people because of their sexual orientation.  When you claim that "some of my friends are gay," but you "doubt their "walk with Jesus" " (the commenter's quotes), well, let me share this with you:  If you hold the opinion that they are "openly practicing the homosexual lifestyle," and you don't approve, they don't really think of you as their friend, nor do they like you.

I won't publish the messages that say that gay people must be denied freedom to share their lives with another adult to whom they are emotionally and physically attracted.  When you (anonymous commenters) say that someone is "practicing an open homosexual lifestyle" I know you are drawing lines of rejection, and that you assume that all people who are gay adhere to crazy and irresponsible sex - and that isn't true.

I won't publish comments that assume that molestation is the source of same-sex attraction.  This is not based in fact.

I refuse to publish comments that call gay people sinners in the same way as murderers, pedophiles, rapists, or those in incestuous relationships. 

There are other reasons that I reject comments, but tonight it's late, and this is my short list.

Notice added on how I use statements, comments, and e-mails

Because of the nature of this blog, I find it important and interesting to have open comments and sharing of personal stories. Anonymous commenters are allowed in most situations. I will allow no disrespect (in my opinion) of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer people on behalf of sexual orientation or identity.

Please note that I welcome all comments and personal e-mails. Some comments will not be posted, based on my personal discretion. However, I reserve the right to include your comments and relevant portions of personal e-mails and messages to me, as content of this blog, or wherever their use can best be afforded.

I will never reveal personal identities without your permission (name, location, specific employer, etc.)

This statement in no way serves as a legally binding statement. This blog is public, and it's on the internet. If you write on the internet, you are automatically giving me your permission to use what you write.