(A funny thing happened as I wrote a blog entry today. I mistakenly posted, then took down for editing, the following entry. Some of you may have gotten it via e-mail, and it has, uh, a mistake. Now this makes for the irony of the day, and I've tried to salvage the post through editing. Hopefully, you can grasp my original point, which is not exactly the same, but at least it won't contain the errors.
Also, if you have experienced difficulty with "comments," please try again. I think I've corrected the problem. Thanks for reading and for ALL your comments.)
I hesitate to write some things because they are about Ray. There are a variety of emotions that surface all the time, and sometimes (or a lot of times) they are concerning him, or how I feel about having been married to him. Some things are too personal. Some things are personal regarding Ray, so even when you may think that I'm being open and honest, there is still MORE to me that I keep close to my heart.
Other times I feel like I want to share something that is about Ray and I've been trying not to get out of balance with that. (I haven't even mentioned that he just finished with the new record! Or how he's finished 11 powerful new songs that make me proud at the same time that I cry over them.) However, today there's something I have to say: Ray Boltz's songwriting is amazing.
Immediately after Ray came out to me, it was apparent to me that the songs always showed that he'd always had "tgt." It was there in so many of his lyrics, and the word, "change," was frequently used. I was struck that the very thing that had made his songs beloved, was the very thing that made the situation so tragic. How sad I felt when I realized that he'd prayed his entire life, but had seen no answer. Songs that were pounded out on the piano, or strummed on guitar, trusting God to make them true, were Ray's life.
I still listen to those songs and now I see the deeper meanings, the real meanings. There is irony in how appropriate they are NOW, as I see a little more of the picture than I knew to even look for years ago.
Today I found an old song that I've heard before but forgotten. Someone posted it on twitter, and they credit Ray, so I linked to it. At first I did think it was something Ray wrote years ago, and I started writing this entry. Now, after doing some checking, I actually found that it is by Babbie Mason, but listening to it now, and taking the meaning of the song from what I know now, is vastly different than how I'd have heard it years ago.
Well, folks, this entry would have made a WHOLE LOT MORE SENSE if it WAS a Ray Boltz song, so the point of this blog is a little harder to come around to. Still, my POINT is that I'm looking for wisdom in how my life is playing out, and I trust that God's wisdom is in the bigger picture. There are things we can see, and things we can't, and although I don't see things like before, I still want to trust in God's purpose.