EX-GAY THERAPY....THEY MAKE YOU STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO SLEEP WITH A WOMAN, LONG ENOUGH TO BREAK HER HEART

Several have asked me what I think since the interviews with Ted Haggard have surfaced. I have often thought I should name this blog, "What I think." That might be more descriptive than even "My heart goes out." But even though I share my thoughts, I still feel a lot of compassion for the Haggard family.

I was only able to watch Oprah, where Ted and Gayle Haggard were the guests, and I've seen several clips on youtube. I wrote notes to help me keep track of all that they said, and I'm very close to the feelings that Gayle expressed. These are some thoughts...

The family of Ted and Gayle Haggard have been in a spotlight for years, and Ted was always gay. He built a mega-church, and he was gay. He preached, and organized, and inspired, and he was gay that whole time. Whether or not he was having gay sex, or whether or not it ever would have been reported, he was gay. God used him tremendously in building that church and as loved as he was with his congregants, he was always gay. He should have been 100% faithful to his wife, and there is where he failed. He did not fail in being attracted to men. He now admits both of those things to be true.

In sharing more of what I think, I have personally met with (and paid the big bucks for) 3 different psychologists. With the fourth and my main therapist (who never charged me anything, God bless you, Jane) I met over a period of several months in order to understand a lot of what I was going through. I've discussed with individuals and with couples what they go through when they are in a mixed-orientation marriage. One book that really helped me was by Amity Piere Buxton, "The Other Side of the Closet." The situations in that book showed how when one member moved OUT of the closet, it put the straight spouse INTO it. I have been in that situation, and I think I've said enough on this blog to share all that in other places.

I have read current material that is supported by the American Psychological Association. But I have never met the Haggards, so I only speak from my own experience.

But some counselors, in the exact opposite of any of the above authorities, as well as all of the professional medical trade associations, are those who call themselves reparative counselors (also known as X-gay therapists), and they say "there is no such thing as a homosexual, only heterosexuals with issues." These counselors, usually from conservative Christian backgrounds are doing what they can to keep together families that are coming to them with problems.

The Haggard family is seeing Ted's same-sex attraction from the view of these hopeful Christian counselors. I understand their thinking, and I know they are relying on to their fundamentalist theology. I have spoken with one other couple who I'm friends with, and this couple, too, is staying together. They say the same things and it sounds a little bit too canned for me. I suppose that is a solution that works for them, but it isn't my situation. I can understand that both couples are feeling that they are doing the right thing.

Back when Kinsey first made his scale, he used it to demonstrate that there are variations in sexual orientation. To deny that there even exists such a thing as homosexuals one would have to come to the conclusion that the Haggards' theology (and many other evangelicals/fundamentalists/literalists and whatever one is called) works. Of course this is convenient for those who are married and one is same-sex-attracted, because it continues their hope that this behavior will not recur. Unfortunately this is rarely the case.

When I was an active member of the Yahoo group, "Wives of gay/bi husbands," it was heartbreaking for me to see so many, many wives who were hurt continually by their gay husbands. These good women (or who knows, they could have been regular women) wanted in every way to believe that their husbands were never, ever again going to act on their sex drives with other men. Unfortunately, it was a rare man who didn't go to the computer or video store for porn, visit a park for anonymous sex, or keep a boyfriend on the side. The actions of these men left their families at risk for disease. They disrespected their wives by lying. They harmed the women they had once loved by use of drugs and alcohol. But more than anything else, in their wake they had hurt everyone, and they many times did all this while telling their wives "I'm not really gay." Yeah, right.

I am not trying to have a self-fulfilling prophecy that the ones who claim to be "not-gay" will eventually act on their feelings. I am not trying to say that their love is not real, nor would I encourage others in this situation to leave one another or abandon their families. But as I've stated before, it is a travesty to tell a young person that the "feelings will change," if they marry someone of the opposite sex. It is wrong to tell them, like Ted Haggard is doing, that "the ideal is to marry." That makes other relationships inferior, and they are not.

A friend sent me this quote from the TV show, Rick and Steve. Although I have never seen that show (nor do I endorse it) a character had this to say about reparative therapy: "Ex-gay therapy...They make you straight enough to sleep with a woman, long enough to break her heart."

For Gayle to love Ted and to forgive his behavior, I'm so proud of her. For Ted to say he is going to not lie and not "act compulsively," good for him. I personally doubt that the troubles are over for the Haggards.

Excuse me for my misunderstanding...

My good friend, Tim, over at Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind, tells us today that he's been spending time with an un-named woman that he calls, "Mrs. A." Well, get a load of that! I don't know who she is, but I happen to know that Tim's married, not to Mrs. A, but to Cindy. And Cindy is so nice - this is bad, really too bad. It seems like being, "out this week," in the hospital with Mrs. A is a big deal. I think its' shameful. Here's what he writes:

MRSA
I've been out this week with mrsa and I'm still in the hospital.
I promise to come back refreshed soon. There are some great things going on I am anxious to share them.
I do have one thought this week. Have you noticed that many times you can write something, a note, letter or poem and then have it completely misunderstood?
Yet we have people today that declare they can read a two thousand year old document that has been translated which is another word for interpreted, (like it or not) and tell us they understand it like God just told them himself?
I've been reading lots this week and one of the thoughts I am considering is when we place God in a religion, theory or theology we have severely diminished the mystery of God, the majesty of God and the ability of God to be seen as One for all.
There is a hell and it's name is religion.
Anyway, I'm just in the hospital reading and thinking.

UH-OH, I've been corrected - he has an infection referred to as Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus! I hear that is serious. They CALL it MRSA. Oh, I see. I am wrong. Please forgive me. Get well, Tim. I thought you were running around with another woman. Oh, I just misunderstood. Sorry.


And I found this photo on facebook. Here are Tim, Cindy, me and their daughter, Emily, at Seven Straight Nights for Equal Rights. Drop Tim a line over at Deep Thoughts - he's kinda sick.

The Amazing Race! Mel White and Mike White - starting Feb. 15, 2008

Mel White is one of my heroes. His book, "Stranger at the Gate," began to affect my way of viewing gay people, way back in January, 2005. Because he shared his life through this book, I began to realize that people could be gay and Christian. Mel founded an organization called Soulforce, which works for the rights and the acceptance of gay and lesbian people. Mel White helped me, and I love and admire him for that.

Today I got an exciting update from Soulforce! Mel and his son, Mike White, are going to be contestants on The Amazing Race, which is one of my favorite TV shows! Mike wrote the movie, "School of Rock," and he played the character, Ned Schneebly. How cool that they are going to team up for The Amazing Race!


This is what I copied from SOULFORCE:

We are thrilled to announce that our founder, the Rev. Dr. Mel White, will compete in the 14th addition of the CBS program, The Amazing Race!

Video of Mel White and his son, Mike, on the Amazing RaceMel and his son, Mike, a successful screenwriter whose writing credits include the feature films Nacho Libre and School of Rock, joined together to participate in this once in a lifetime experience -- spanning 40,000 miles and nine countries in just 22 days!

The Amazing Race premiers on CBS on Sunday, February 15, at 8pm ET/PT. Tell your friends and mark your calendars!

Go Team Soulforce!

For more information, go to
www.cbs.com/primetime/amazing_race

I'm standing up, saying: Enough. Gay people are dying. It's wrong.

(this is an excerpt from a longer essay)

In 1975 my husband and I had become full-Gospel, charismatic, tongue-talking, Bible-carrying believers, and we thought that Jesus was the answer to everything. We had faith, and faith was the key to everythng: health, prosperity, happiness. We knew that if the Bible said it, it was for us to "claim." We "claimed" for ourselves verses like Mark 11:22 "...Whoever says to this mountain, 'be removed and be cast into the sea' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, and he will have whatever he says."

Our preacher, Dr. Hobart Freeman, as well as many other charismatic teachers of the time (that we eventually were told by Freeman to disregard because they didn't show "true faith"), taught us what it meant when in Hebrews it said, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." We were to have faith not merely for salvation, but for ALL things that we needed: a home, an income, a family. And medical needs, including home-birth deliveries of our children. And a nice car, maybe even a Cadillac like Freeman himself drove. For the men, a full beard. Clear skin for the women. Broken bones were to be neither straightened nor set except by way of prayer. No need for a doctor but sometimes you could use a dentist. And you must only use real butter in your home-made cakes. Women were not to work outside the home. Insurance showed that you didn't have faith. Only certain jobs were "approved." Don't wear glasses, because Jesus died for your "healing." And the legalism extended on and on - to the clothing, the brand of shoes, and whether or not ears could be pierced and still hold on to your salvation.

As faith was applied to serious illness like cancer, natural childbirth without the aid of a doctor or licensed midwife, and when chronic diseases were ignored in favor of "faith for healing," people began to die. A friend, Alice, as well as her unborn baby, died after she labored for days without medical treatment. Judy's full-term baby was stillborn. One baby died due to the fact that it would show "lack of faith" to suction the mucous from the baby's nose and throat. One report says that there were as many as 52 deaths associated with Faith Assembly and Freeman's teachings.

In the fall of 1975, six months after we married, and when I was pregnant for our first child, we packed up our stuff and left in the night, telling almost no one, and we moved to live nearer our parents.

Meanwhile, with all the peer pressure of that group, Faith Assembly, neither we nor anyone else ever stood up to Freeman or his circle of ministers and said, "Enough. People are dying. It doesn't work. You're wrong." For all the good intentions and spiritual goals, for several years mothers giving birth continued to die needlessly, babies and children suffered with treatable illnesses, and others were orphaned when their parents wanted to be healed by faith at ALL costs. Finally Hobart Freeman himself died, yet I think there are still devout followers who hang on the the illusion that it was the people who erred, not Freeman himself. How wrong and how sad because many even turned from God altogether - they'd suffered enough. My descriptions cannot show how badly families deteriorated as the direct result of this cult of "faith." Many were left in the wake of cultish behavior, and it was all in the name of Christ.

Fast forward to the present. The group I've described seems way-out and out-of-touch. It's seen as legalistic and radical to think that to show your faith it is required to disregard medical treatment. Whether or not you wear a certain brand of clothing does not prove anything about your spiritual walk with God. And surely we have moved toward women taking full advantage of the opportunities and career paths.

And yet today, Christians are still trying to apply principles of faith to something that does not work: they think faith can change the sexual orientation of gay people. Despite medical and psychological evidence, first-person accounts, and the witness left by the suicides of so many, why is it that so few Christians will STAND UP to say, "Enough. Gay people are dying. It doesn't work. You're wrong." Having come out of that cult of faith-mentality, it still applies to this area, and I'm standing up, calling it wrong. I see it as the same thing - and I'm not so timid as I was when I left in the night!

Just like at Faith Assembly where people needlessly died because they believed so desperately, there are young people (and old) who feel that being gay is a sin and their solution is death at their own hand. Let's not let more young people die over this!

Even more, groups today like Focus on the Family, who have hypocritically turned away from Ted Haggard and his family, yet put out negative information about the movie, "Prayers for Bobby," think that any opposing evidence will hurt their cause. Many churches, where I've heard them say that it is the "gay lifestyle," that causes suicide, will not accept that really it is the alienation, depression, and hopelessness that a gay person feels from their Christian family, church, and from their friends. They are even told that it is God that rejects them.

My question is this: When will others in church stand up and say with me, "Enough. Gay people are dying. It's wrong. Your "cure" doesn't work."

In the same way that I, as a Christian, (one who grew up into faith in Jesus, and who wanted it to be evident that I trusted in God), finally had to put off the myth of a legalistic and super-spiritual cult, I now must stand up for my gay and lesbian friends. It means I am not the same as the fundamentalists that helped frame my Christian life. It means that I have to stand on the principles that Jesus taught: love and forgiveness, rather than the fundamentalist assumptions of my old friends. It means that I'm a straight ally of people like Bobby Griffith, who committed suicide because he was gay, and the late Harvey Milk, and all others that have come out in the last 30 years.

To look back from my years in the pew of a country church, to church camps, and to coming out of the cult, all the way to where I am now, a lot has changed. In another 30 or 40 years, I wonder what else I'll look back upon and see as my journey evolves. I know this, that I'm still a follower of Jesus. It means that for those who are trying to just live their lives, I am standing with you.

(to the right is a photo of Bobby Griffith and his mom)

Ted Haggard: God already knows the truth

Last night only one minute after this story about Ted Haggard broke, I was checking my e-mail. It appears that there are more skeletons in the closet, and one of them is coming forward to make some noise. I didn't have any reason to post, as I find it totally sad. I feel so much empathy for Ted's wife, Gayle, and I don't even know her. I've been talked about and I've been lied about, but I have nothing to hide. I wish I could show Gayle Haggard that there is hope in this situation, and it is in truth, honesty, and being real. My heart goes out to you, Gayle.

As far as their church's response to them as a family, it sounds like they were shunned. I don't go to their church, nor do I have any first-hand information, but I can imagine how it went.

When the churches think that mere repentance and their brand of "counseling" will solve this, they are wrong. Sure, Ted Haggard was wrong in what he did - absolutely. But I'm putting together what I know, and he's gay. Would it not be more healthy just to own that fact? The very difficult effort it will take a fundamentalist preacher to learn to accept himself will be extremely difficult, but so much more productive than to continue thinking he's "a loser." With that attitude there is no hope.

Then I read this post over on TWO (Truth Wins Out): http://www.truthwinsout.org/blog/focus-on-the-family-smears-mother-of-ex-gay-suicide-victim/ where Focus on the Family is telling their followers to not watch this program. Then I changed my mind about posting.

Now, come on, do they really think that will be effective? On the one hand, a church has completely cut off communication and fellowship from Ted Haggard, and then they tell people to NOT WATCH, "Prayers for Bobby,"?

Why, if Focus on the Family really thinks they have a solution, should folks NOT WATCH this? It appears that turning away from Ted Haggard and his family has not helped them. It has hurt. In the movie, "Prayers for Bobby," Bobby's mom has changed from the closed-minded view of her church, to a supportive role for gays and lesbians - and SHE finds support there.

Wouldn't it make sense for Ted Haggard to come to his senses, be honest with God, with everyone, including himself? Because God already knows the truth. The truth is that God loves us all, gay or straight. For many of us it is so ingrained that only heterosexuals can be Christians, that for gay folks it is very, very difficult to accept otherwise. For me, I have come to accept this Good News - that the Gospel is for us ALL, and to live with integrity, honesty, and reality is part of what Jesus said when he told us, "...the truth will make you free."

Continue to pray for the Haggard family. They need it more than ever.