Sunday, January 4, 2009

Anger?

Okay, hold on. Don't any of you readers get the idea that I don't get angry, or that I just am all lovey-lovey. Hardly. Yes, I have ideals that I'm trying to convey in my life, and those are the ideals that Jesus showed us: love, joy, peace, longsuffering (patience), gentleness, goodness, meekness, temperance, faith. I'm so glad he showed us those - because I don't feel them all the time.

One friend recently accused me of sounding angry on facebook comments. uh-huh. That's right, I am angry. Why would I not be angry? I'm betting you can think of many reasons if you use your imagination. But I especially get angry with people who think they know what is right or good for me. I get angry because I've not heard from my former pastor, the one who lives across the street from me, and who never has asked how I'm doing (in four years). I get angry with people who hide as "anonymous", and then proceed to tell me they are not isolated. I have some folders for e-mails that I get: Supportive, Non-supportive, Downright mean, and STUPID. So, see, I'm hiding if you think I don't get mad.

When I first tried to tell my closest friend that my husband was gay, she folded her arms, and frowned as I cried in her kitchen. Two days later she had a list of Bible verses to share with me, and I had to tell her, "Wait, I didn't DO anything here. I'm having a hard time with this." That made me mad.

My medical doctor said, "He's heterosexual." I asked, "What??" And his answer was that we have 4 kids. THAT made me angry.

I went to a respected [christian] psychologist and she proceeded to tell me about her nephew who came out to her. She didn't recommend that Ray accept himself, but he isn't the one who came to her - I DID! I still can't believe I had to pay for that session, but I sure never returned. I was a little ticked off.

With people who try to tell me I'm deceived, well, they can think whatever they want, because I had to give up EVERYTHING: husband that I loved, cohesive family unit, income, my future as a married woman, status, my church, the very framework of my faith (which was fundamentalist, and has now emerged in a more healthy, sane path), the ones I thought were my friends. You think that was easy? So if someone thinks my path was easy, or that I'm deceived, I get angry with them.

Yes, I'm angry with God, but I know that God understands why. If I had not felt that God was with me, I'd have caved in many times. I know there is a Psalm that says God collects our tears in a jar - I believe that is true. I think there are gallons collected for me. In a larger sense, I know that God put me in this for reasons I don't know or understand, but I believe that there is purpose in life to accept it. That calms my anger, gives me hope that I can go forward. I'm so thankful for that peace, knowing I get help that is not explainable. Faith in God helps me overcome my anger.

But am I angry with Ray? No. How can I be? He lived his life for me, and I for him. He didn't become gay, he always had been. It was just me (and the rest of the world) who didn't know it.

Would there EVER have been a good time to tell me? When would that be? Before we had kids? Back then we were in church, following everything we learned of God at that time. When the kids were little? That would have meant that I'd have had to raise them without him? Or, before he wrote some of the best songs of his life? I don't know - it has happened like it has for a reason. When he did come out to me, I refused to not believe him. This was NOT an easy way to proceed, but I KNOW how he lived, and it was for me and our family. He lived what we were taught, believed in his heart that he was NOT gay, but he was.

Yes, I get angry. But it is not with Ray (well, there are times when he's just difficult, like when he insists he only likes regular coffee and I have to drink de-caf). I've been called co-dependent, but Ray and I have needed each other to go through this. Without each other's support, we'd both have had MORE loneliness, because it took quite a while to find the right people to support me/him/us. With great difficulty, we AGREED that it was better to live separately and build new, independent lives.

So if someone thinks I sound angry, yeah. I think I'm entitled to my own little degree of "mad," but I'm dealing with it. I keep looking at how Jesus showed us to live. I trust that I'll get it right if I stick with Him.

7 comments:

angie said...

Carol,
Your transparency is a breath of fresh air. If you said that you were not angry, I would have to wonder what kind of medication you were taking (and could you please share some). Thank you for sharing your heart.

Talk said...

Hey Carol,

I understand the Pastor thing. I went to this one Church for over 10 years, and than I even went through a ex-gay phase while I went there....than when I came back out if you will, the Pastor will not have anything to do with me, well except one email 6 months ago to guilt trip me, how nice of him!

mumblingmonkey said...

Carol,
I wanted to send you a message of support, but I'm not sure how to say it. I am glad for your honesty in your struggles. I, too, am a Christian who does not believe it is a sin to be gay. It is not an easy stance, but it is good to be faithful to the truth we are given. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

hillsideslide said...

Keep tellin' it like it is Carol!

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Oh, I am in love with your blog! Really. Your honesty and courage and anger are all beautiful and refreshing. Thanks. :)

shapenotesinger said...

Carol,

It's not for nothing that our walks with God are called pilgrimages. The emotions stirred up by our journeys can be shared with God without fear of His reaction. The Psalms are full of unedited emotion! You're in good company!

Thank you for sharing your walk of faith with us.

Carol said...

Shapenotesinger - A therapist will say that feelings just ARE, that they are not good or bad, they are just feelings. In Psalms, I do see that hearts were poured out to God, and you know what? God can handle my anger, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and my healing. As hard as it has been and still is, God is still there for me, and I'm for God. Without God I'd be lost, and I have to think and act like there is a reason for all this - for me, for our family. Maybe it is not in my sight, but I still trust in God.