One comment/question L made was good, and I'll take a stab at answering here, because I think it is important.
It upset me so much because of the number of people that you stand to take down with you, due to your prominence. Think about that: if you are wrong, you may very well open the door for many more women to go through what you went through because the more acceptable homosexuality is, the more likely a struggler is to not even consider that there could be other options.
For the first part, I never asked for "prominence." I don't have any kind of promotion to garner attention to myself. Whatever "prominence" I have is miniscule, and unsought on my part. Yes, I admit that I was married to someone who was popular, and I received the benefits of that, but I now stand alone. No staff, a handful of friends, and the fact that I used to be married to someone very talented. However, my story as a woman, married to a popular Christian singer who has now come out as gay, makes a "hot item" of gossip. People might want to hear what I have to say. His and my stories intertwine and overlap, and some people might be interested, so I blog.
Now I come more to answering the question from L, where she wants to know ...
if you are wrong, you may very well open the door for many more women to go through what you went through because the more acceptable homosexuality is, the more likely a struggler is to not even consider that there could be other options.
Personally, I have found myself in a situation where the man I loved suffered severely from depression, and he would have died rather than tell the truth that he was gay. I did not cause that. I could do nothing to "fix" it. Although some people work out different solutions, ours was to separate our homes, our finances, and our personal lives. All of that amounts to divorce, a legal distinction. I don't try to set any rule to say anyone else should follow. It is what we needed to do.
As humans, we all want to fit in. We all want love and family, and we desire to have community around us that welcomes us. We tend to pattern ourselves into that to which we are accustomed. In church, the pattern is for a spouse and a family. Extended families are shown in our media, and we aspire to that. James Dobson has built an empire by focusing on family (another topic altogether!)
When a young person realizes they are not straight, they have options. One, they can hide this about themselves, and follow the pattern that we have set, which is to "find the right girl/guy and get married." A second option is that they can be honest with themselves and still seek a family of their own. In the case of glbt individuals, it is not honest or fair to a straight partner to pretend sexual attraction. I not only object, but want to scream from the rooftops: DON'T DO IT!
So I answer this question to L, or others who think I'm leading other wives, with these basic points:
1- I didn't cause this.
2- Ray did what the church taught him to do, which was to "find the right girl...get married." (And I might add, he found a good one!)
3- After 30+ years, the solution was to be honest with me. I came to accept him, support him, and we divorced.
4- I implore young people: Don't marry someone of the opposite sex if you are gay!
For other wives married to gay men, I don't try to be an example. My only example is that we all try to walk humbly and love each other. Ray and I talked many times, and still do, about how our personal lives affect others. This is not an issue for the greater public to decide how he and I live our lives! It happened to ME, and I'm doing the best I can with a difficult situation.